I want to marry him, but...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by ViviWannabe, Dec 6, 2003.

  1. ViviWannabe

    ViviWannabe New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2003
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Vegas
    I love my boyfriend so much, and I want to marry him, and I can tell he wants to put that ring on my finger as well. It's definitely something we both want, we've even been discussing how many kids to have! But the thing is, we've only known each other for 3 months, and we've only been dating a little over 1 month! How long do you think we should wait until he "pops the question"?

    P.S. It's always been my opinion that most relationships that last more than a year and a half before marriage don't work. I've seen it.
     
  2. Shellen77

    Shellen77 New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2003
    Messages:
    650
    Likes Received:
    7
    Gender:
    Female
    I really think it depends on the couple. I have been in 2 long term relationships & in one we were engaged after 4 years of being together. I finally called it off because I felt I wasn't ready & I was quite young. Hell, I'm still young! At the time I was 22 & couldn't see myself with him for the rest of my life. It wasn't about dedication or love, it was just that I wasn't ready. After that, it was completely over. Now looking back, I'm glad I did. I've experienced a lot since that time & I bet money that we would have been divorced by now. I'm not saying that you shouldn't go for it or anything. Just completely weigh out all the consequences & think long term before you completely commit. Good luck & I wish you all the very best!
     
  3. Billman

    Billman New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2003
    Messages:
    25
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Las Vegas and San Diego
    Hmmm.. interesting. You've only been dating for a month, and you are already considering marriage? And you know that relationships that last more than a year and half don't work... um, it sounds really silly to get married just to make a relationship work, especially since you probably aren't sure if you really love the guy. You haven't been together long enough to make that important step, because you need time to learn about each other.

    It really worries me to see a post like this. People who have recently been through a difficult breakup and begin dating someone else try to find anyway they can to distance themselves from the past, even thinking that a lust may be love. You need time to yourself to honestly question wether or not this new guy you've only been going out with for a month is always going to be this way, and wether you fell this is right.

    People can change drastically in a very short time, almost to the point where you don't even know who they are anymore. I've seen it myself.
     
  4. SenseiPiccolo

    SenseiPiccolo Banned

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2003
    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    0
    Time and Countless in-depth Conversations are the keys to a true loveing relationship.
     
  5. farspark

    farspark New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 17, 2003
    Messages:
    105
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    A good ol' country boy
    I've been married for 6 years. (Married when 23, after 3 years as a couple... still totally in love, 1 cute 2-year-old girl as a result). I refer to my partner as my GF on this site, because I think 'girlfriend' is cuter and more accurate than 'wife'... but anyway all that aside here is my list of 3 things to have sorted before you decide to marry (in no particular order, and by no mean the definitative list)...

    1. It's really important to have talked about all the big stuff... You don't need to agree about every thing but you need to have compatible 'worldviews'. Question: Have you had detailed discussions about: religion/spirituality/atheism/god/death, children/whether you want them/to what extent would you go to get them via IVF/adoption etc if you couldn't have them, work/study/careers, gender roles, life goals/do you want to travel/buy a home/not buy a home/live in a leper colony doing good work, what would you do if one of you was run over by a bus and became tetraplegic/in a coma, what are your fears/loves, what do you think about abortion/the death penality/vivasection/vasectomies/homosexuality/immigrants/cults... etc...etc...etc... Here's another questions for you and your partner: What consitutes unfaithfulness? A kiss with another person? A hug? A dance? A frot? Masterbation to a porn movie when the other s/o is out of the house?
    This all requires heaps of talking and I don't think you can really find everything out about your partners views or express all your own views in 3 months... Living together helps because it allows more time to discuss the moral dilemmas of everyday life.

    2. Sexual compatibility is also important (but not the most important aspect of marriage). Monogamous sex is fantastic (a separate topic perhaps) and is total underrated by mainstream culture, but does require a lot of work/creativity/empathy etc... You need to know that your tastes and desires are at the very least compatible. I vote for the 'try before you buy' approach, but for those who are going to 'save' themselves until their wedding night I would strongly recommend discussing expectations in detail with ones partner before the big event and before the rest of ones life (see 1. above).

    3. A giving relationship is also important - and I don't mean he gives you flowers because he regretted saying 'actually your ass does look big in that' and now wants sex. Relationships need work, and good relationship need people capable of doing the work. Some of this work is spending time together, talking about difficult stuff etc, and some of this work is actual work: making beds/chopping firewood/cooking/shopping etc. I think things are best if both individuals try to do more than what they consider is their fair share. You really really really don't want to be married to someone who always tries to do the bare minimum. So here's a questions: Do you want to marry your guy because his ass looks great in a pair of jeans, and he tells you that you look like an angel, or do you want to marry him because he is a genuine, good-hearted, giving person. Again... there is an advantage to spending more than 3 months together because it is much easier to be giving at the start of a relationship than a year down the track.

    Summary: Wait a bit before you get married, but if you really want to - get engaged first but set a date for sometime in the very distant future. You can be engaged for as long as you like. :)
     
  6. ViviWannabe

    ViviWannabe New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2003
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Vegas

    For the first part, all three.

    For the second part, I was planning on waiting about a year at least. When it comes to marriage, you have to see if you really love someone enough to make a lifelong commitment. But should we even be talking about it at this point? Cuz I wouldn't want to scare him away or anything, or make him think I want to marry him immediately.
     
  7. Billman

    Billman New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2003
    Messages:
    25
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Las Vegas and San Diego
    You brought it up, Kiddo. So it's obviously something that you are concerned with and need to talk about. Just take everyone's advice and give it time. And apparently, you are starting to realize this is a good idea, so yeah, give it a year, and see how you still feel.

    And remember, if you still feel like you can't slow down or need to rush things, you can always get engaged at any time, and set a wedding date far in the future to A: Emotionally prepare yourselves, B: Financialy prepare yourselves, and C: Give your family (and friends) time to get used to the idea. And then you can enjoy being engaged at least.

    Love is a complicated labyrinth, and if you take your time to get to the center, you'll gain more rewards than if you just took the path straight to the castle (Remember the little worm guy? He knew all of this.)

    I honestly wish you the very best of luck, and love, sweetie.
     
  8. tsukassa

    tsukassa New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2003
    Messages:
    65
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    ohio
    P.S. It's always been my opinion that most relationships that last more than a year and a half before marriage don't work. I've seen it.

    it all depends if you live together or not if so it usualy doesent work but all i can say is follow your heart because it can never stear you wrong. remember you are the one who makes your decisions and i must admit that this is a complex conversation. but you know what they say time is only but a virtue so have fun and i hope it works out. hope this helps sincerely ,tsukassa
     
  9. farspark

    farspark New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 17, 2003
    Messages:
    105
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    A good ol' country boy
    I'm interested in this idea of 'following your heart'... Personally, I've always had a bit of difficulty distinguishing between following my heart and following my cock... Maybe this is a guy thing, but really in early days of a relationship I think it is very difficult to distinguish between lust and love. The early stages of 'being in love' are almost indistinguishable from being sick (sleepless night, butterflys in the stomach, flushed face etc)... To guys I say, 'Enjoy it, but don't trust it.' But perhaps 'women's intuition' is better than guys in these matters? Opinions?
     
  10. Da_Vamp

    Da_Vamp New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2004
    Messages:
    109
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Netherlands
    There IS no time limit!! When you and your boyfriend think the time is right...do it! Screw what other people think!!! Life is tooooo short to live by others standards!!
    Vampie
     
  11. BiBiBaby

    BiBiBaby New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 7, 2004
    Messages:
    658
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    i agree that life is too short to live by others standards... my bf is 6 years older than me and mom thinks thats 'too old'... but i know that he is the best friend i've ever found and the sexual compatibility is amazing...
    as far as the few mentions of living with them before marraige.... i'm personally against that. I've found that when you cohabitate you tend to think "i can leave any time" then, if you marry that person the state of mind is still there and leads to an unstable marraige
     
  12. touchzing

    touchzing New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2004
    Messages:
    150
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    California
    I couldn't imagine thinking about marriage after only dating for a month. I would encourage you to take your time, breath a little, get to really know each other. Enjoy the lustful parts of the relationship and wait till the beginning craziness dies a bit before deciding to marry.

    I have a question-why do you have to wait "until he 'pops the question'" Ask him about his thoughts and feelings about marriage.
     
  13. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,823
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Dixie Land
    "ynosoaiv" & I were married 4 months after our first date. We have been married for going on 28 years. We know now that a very strong reason we married was because we craved sex. We both had new 'religious' convictions, and yet we still experienced an intense sexual hunger when together.
    Sometimes , it is just RIGHT.
    But if you have any doubt, or fear - wait. After all, it is your whole life you are talking about.
     
    #13 Rose, Jun 9, 2005
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2005
  14. Ryan

    Ryan Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2003
    Messages:
    15,707
    Likes Received:
    1
    I wonder what she decided. This is about 1 1/2 year old post.