I use porn, but I hate porn: advice?

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by souljer_777, Mar 7, 2008.

  1. souljer_777

    souljer_777 New Member

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    I have a problem: I use porn, but I hate porn. I've used porn ever since I figured out how to clear history, cookies, and cache on my parents' computer (I'm 22 and long moved out now), but I hate it for--as far as I can ascertain--three reasons.

    1. A main part of the reason I hate porn is because the porn I watch involves sexy people doing sexy things, and I'm insecure about my body. I know I'm good-looking and have a nice body, but I'm no model-hot Adriana Lima or porn-star hot Briana Banks, and I find that I compare myself to the model-hots while fantasizing about the model-hots (I'm bi), and comparing myself to the porn-star-hots while getting of to the porn-star-hots: it's an unpleasant cognitive muddle.
    2. The second reason I hate porn is related to #1, but its #1 mixed with my partner. He's my great love and my great lust. He loves me and my body, two things I've grown assured of over several years of our relationship. But I feel achingly jealous, competitive, and sad because of his (infrequent) porn consumption, because like I said, I'm no Adriana Lima or Briana Banks (two women he reported extreme attraction to in the early stages of our relationship).
    3. And the third reason I hate porn is because it makes me feel guilty. Yes, just to mix it up further, I keep my porn-watching a secret from my partner because I've told him that I hate it (in an attempt to dissuade his use of it).

    So all that being said, I'm sincerely asking for sincere advice. There's a mental hump here I need to get over, but I need some direction in how to do it. Thanks for any suggestions for my situation.
     
  2. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Good gravy chick! :eek:P

    If you already know you are good-looking and you are still insecure...well...ummm...stop being insecure! (I know, it sounds easy, but it's not.) I tell ya what...post some pics in the gallery here and I'll be we'll make you feel secure. :brow Seriously, I don't know what to tell you here...find things to do that build your self-esteem so you won't feel insecure. It sounds like YOU are what is making you feel insecure...not him, and not the porn. The chances are that you have absolutely no reason to feel that way. Maybe some counseling would help you here?

    If you haven't told your SO that you're Bi, you should...I'll bet he'd get a real kick out of that!

    Dealing with the jealousy...this one I can probably help. First off, it's perfectly fine to feel any particular way, including jealous. What counts is what you choose to do with those feelings. CHOOSE to look at it from a different perspective, one that doesn't leave you in a negative state of mind. If you get turned on by the same women he does...well...sounds to me like y'all could have quite a bit of fun checking out porn together! Try it and see what happens. If your turned-on factor exceeds your jealousy factor, you've probably got it licked. (Pun intended. :p)

    Realize this...it's unreasonable to think that either one of you is NEVER going to see someone else whom you think is hot enough to sleep with. That's reality. What matters is what you choose to do with those feelings or impulses...not that you felt them in the first place. Can you dig it?

    So, you want to do it yourself but influence your partner not to? :spank Come on now, darlin'...fairness goes a long way in a relationship, you know that by now. It's not the porn that is making you feel guilty...it's your behavior of hiding it for yourself AND discouraging him that makes you feel guilty. Why don't you tell him the truth? That will remove your guilt. You haven't done anything wrong...it's just porn after all. Telling him the truth might lead to you and he watching porn together and getting a kick out of it.

    HTH and post more...
    BD
     
  3. Dreama

    Gold Member

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    Watching porn shouldn't make you feel guilty or jealous, or any of that stuff. It's all fantasy, and it should be a pain-free tool one can use for their own fun and masturbatory purposes. There is absolutely nothing wrong with fantasy, or porn. Also, it isn't the porn's fault that you are insecure about your body. I mean, so am I. But you have to realize, there is nothing wrong with the way you are right now. Nobody's perfect...Models are just luckier because their imperfections are brushed away before your eyes get to see them. So, who cares? You're a real person. Also, because porn is fantasy, your boyfriend is entitled to enjoy it just as you or I are. I used to have a problem with my hubby (then boyfriend) watching porn, but I really had to ask myself why it made me jealous. He didn't watch it because he wanted those girls instead of me. They just have hot bodies and are having sex. The mere act gets us revved up, and there is nothing wrong with that. He loves me, sexually and non-sexually. None of those imaginary women could compete with that. Just be happy. You're an intelligent, strong, sexy woman yourself, and nobody can take that from you. :) Just enjoy yourself!
     
  4. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    #1: Comparing one's self to those indulged and paid to remain physical ultra-gods of the 'perfect physique' is anti-productive. No one (not even those in Porn) are without flaws. The 'takes' are done, at great cost, to produce a final cut of only perfectly lustful shots. It's quite possibly just something that maturity will allow you to finally cast aside as non-essential.

    It falls under the same anecdote as guys who worry about their dong size. Why? Because of porn flicks they've seen.

    In real life - we just roll our eyes :eyes Make a VERY STRONG distinction between 'stars' and real-life people.

    #2: Hell! My husband loves watching those 20-something hotties. If I doubted his love and adoration, perhaps I would feel insecure, but after 30+ years of marriage, I'm sure that when he makes love to me and looks in my eyes.... he's REALLY looking into my eyes. A man CAN see past those visual fantasies.

    #3: Visual stimulation is an incredible aphrodisiac! If you've never watched and openly enjoyed porn together, perhaps you might want to try it. Try not judging his "visual lust" for the female star. Try not judging yourself for enjoying the obvious natural stimulation.
    This causes me to think that you simply need to accept yourself. Accept your personal beauty.... accept the love and devotion of your S.O. , and accept that you enjoy being visually stimulated. You're at a crossroads.
     
  5. slamd097

    slamd097 New Member

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    I was like this. Only because of my up bringing. Im not sure what it was the broke me of that. However that has changed completely. I learned that despite what my up bringing said, sex is a natural thing, and since I am unable to have it 24-7, I can at least watch it..
     
  6. cbrmale

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    You describe yourself as good-looking with a nice body, but then compare yourself to the girls in porn movies. As a man who had many lovers in the past, rare was the woman who was as good-looking naked as clothed. Sure I've had sex with women who could have been in movies, but they weren't common. And I've been with girls who had nice bodies with flaws, but the things I remember about the girls of my past is not how shapely their legs or breasts were, but how they were as people. The thing that attracted me to most of my lovers was their smile, if a woman had a lovely smile I just had to get to know her.

    So I wouldn't worry about the good-looking girls in porn, because if you partner is like 80% of men he is attracted to you for a lot of reasons. And just because he likes a girl or two who is uncommonly attractive, doesn't mean he is thinking about those girls when you and he are naked together. Indeed, the most attractive woman in the world is the one who is naked in his arms, and sexually self-confident enough for him to have a wonderful time with.
     
  7. souljer_777

    souljer_777 New Member

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    Thanks everyone for your insights and straight-forward honesty! I think about this situation pretty frequently (and, believe it or not, have evolved quite a bit from when it first came up) and it helps to talk it through with others.

    You've all suggested working on my insecurities and not comparing myself--I know this is true, but I'm actually pretty new at it. I didn't ever have insecurities until I got to college and started dating a guy who was outspoken about his likes and dislikes (e.g., "I'd fuck her" or "I've fucked her.") At the time, that was fine because, quite frankly, it was just all about the sex anyway. That guy and I split for over a year, then hormones, good timing, and great luck brought us back together. If you haven't guessed it, that guy is my SO, and while our relationship has developed into much more than just sex (not that sex with him is EVER just sex! :brow), I think the nature of our past relationship adds an extra hitch to the issue. (And it is true that I harbor unspoken resentment about this. Any advice on how to talk about this issue with him--or if I SHOULD talk about this with him at all--would be appreciated as well!)

    So that being said, my plan is to spend some more time working through the mental part of it on my end, then to talk to my SO and try to get it licked! :D (Thanks for that one BassDude!)
     
  8. sneak_8251

    sneak_8251 New Member

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    When I found out that my GF was hiding her porn watching from me, I got some to watch with her, and told her how relieved I was that I didn't have to hide my porn intake from her! For a while we watched a lot togather. She had some of the same worries as you. Then she realized that her watching the porn with me and being honest about which scene or girl got her going was turning me on WAY more than any one of the many boobs we saw!

    Then we had porn overdose! Found ourselves making fun of most of it, and having a hard time finding any part of any one that turned us both on. So now we have a few to fall back on when the time is right, but we don't watch half as much now. For her, it wasn't so much the watching as it was the listening to orgasms anyway!

    Good luck!