I think I am in a mess!

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Yowsa, Mar 27, 2004.

  1. Yowsa

    Yowsa New Member

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    Hey there all! New to the board and it looks pretty good. Here's my situation. I'm 34 so not a beginner. I have been a relationship with my girlfriend for the last three years. It started out fantastic! The company, the sex, everything was great. Mostly it still is except that about a year and a half or so ago she got it in her head that I was cheating on her. (I never have) Ever since I have been trying to reassure her in every way I can. It gets so bad sometimes that I can't stand it and we end up breaking up. Usually for a week to a month. We have been split up probably eight times in the past year. The problem is that we are both a mess when we are apart. Then we get back together and it's so good for a while until the old issues start coming out. It's at the point where she doesn't really trust me and I really don't trust her. But we are deeply in love. I keep hoping it will finally be good, but I am losing hope. I suppose it's a stupid question but what do you think? Can something like this ever work or should I give up?

    Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
     
  2. Logger

    Gold Member

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    Jealousy

    Dear Mr. Yow,

    In order to properly suggest the correct avenue of approach, It might be helpful to know what approach has been helpful and what has backfired for you.

    I am blessed in the sense that my wife does not often express jealoousy. So I can't tell you from experience either.

    But I have struggled in other respects. I will put forth a number of ideas, with the purpose in mind for you to list out what seemed to work and what backfired.

    We can suppose taht your Girl Friend, GF, is opposstional, and just giving you a hard time, in order to get attention and consternation. The formula for Oppositonal, is to avoid criticizing, work on planning the next few weeks, and confront Opposition with an offer to consider changing yourself. See docspeaks.com

    We could suppose that GF is lacking self-confidence in herself, and you could work on that by calling her three times a day, for seet nothings, and otherwise giving her attention with a flower, or compliments. See Teh Love Diet

    GF has an overpowering relative or friend, who puts a bug in her ear about you every once in a while. The solution is to role play GF defendign you to e the Opressive Person. Have the Oppressive person stand in the corner, and you and your GF yell at the Oppressive person. See teh PTS/SP course, dianetic or Scientology.

    GF does not have a sufficient respect for your personal power. Increase your personal power. Upgrade your car, display weapons, take Aikido, join a lodge, get a better job, get in cahoots wiht her relatives or other power structure. Freemasons or a church.

    GF does not have sufficient ideas that you are willing to listen to the details of her fears and problems. atake a course in commuication so you can listen to your GF effectively and draw out her every concern. Commuincation courses are widely offered, post back if you want a recommendation. You can get a counselor on your plan at work to wortk with you, or make suggestions.

    GF does not feel connected to you. Take a course, or undertake some activity together to increase your connectedness.

    GF does not feel you are suficiently intuitive about her needs. TAke a Silva Method course, or some psycic or spiritual healing training, to increase your ability to sense GF needs. That will also increase your ability to provide spirityual protection to your GF. GF may feel you do not provide sufficient spiritual protection and safety.

    Obviously, some of these ideas are off base. But I have tried everything above myself, in my personal struggles to improve my marriage.

    What does your GF think about children? Is your situation such that gives her the idea that she could move in where you are and have a couple kids?

    Posating is Therapeutic

    Blessings.
     
  3. Yowsa

    Yowsa New Member

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    Ha.. Actually most of what you suggest seems to be true. I have tried reassurance and affirmation of her. She doesn't seem to think she is attractive enough for me(she is 4 years older) though I assure her she is. I think she does not have the respect for me she should job-wise because I am a heavy equipment operator and she is a teacher and as such earns more than me. Some of her friends also put doubts in her ear from time to time even though they really don't know me. Did I forget anything?!!...
    One of the biggest issues is she says it would be easier to forgive if I came clean and admitted to her what I hade done. Problem is I haven't done anything! I have on two occasions come close to making up a story to give her, but I refuse to lie like that.
    I don't know. It is a very hot and cold relationship. I wonder if the sex was not as good as it is for both of us would we still be together? Hmmmm.

    Thanks
     
  4. Logger

    Gold Member

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    You did not talk about children. If the lady is 38, she is at a critcal age. Often women at that age are having to decide to forget having more children, or find Mr. Right real quick. The likelihood of Downe's syndrome increases dramatically as a woman gets to be 40 and 45.

    The question I asked was not who made more money, but do you have a setting she feels comfortable raising kids? There is the IUOE for Heavy Equipment Operators, with a reasonably good pension and wages.

    How about, "You are bringing up the idea that I had an affair again. It seems to me that there are other concerns behind that issue. Why don't you just give me a stream of consciousness on that issue, and see if we can discover what important issues may be driving those ideas?"

    "Let's suppose that I had made some sort of mistake, in the past. Now, how can I serve a pennance to you, so that you can put the idea behind you? I need you to feel that I am absolved of any past mistakes. What various things might I do, to give you that feeling of absolution?"

    "Certainly trust is an imortant issue in a relationship. What have other people told you about trust issues? In what ways are they wrong? How would you explain to them their errors?"

    "In whom have you confided that you feel that I have cheated on you? What advise have they given you? Where are they wrong? How would you explain their error to them?

    "What are your ideas of your fertility, and preventing birth defects?"

    What are your ideas of improving yourself? If you are going to be talking to college grads, you may want to take some course that is going to bring you up to speed fast. Maybe just subscribe to the New York Times. But you should have a plan to avoid feeling inferior.

    The advantage of a woman who is not a knockout is that you don't have to worry so much about your friends cutting in on her. I married a younger attractive woman, and I really don't trust my friends, neighbors, etc. If you marry a woman who will cook what you like when you get old, and sometimes can't cook for yourself, that is gold. My wife refuses to properly cook chicken or pork, and is habitually covering up what she puts in food, or how she prepares it. My wife is pretty, but I feel like an idiot.
     
  5. Yowsa

    Yowsa New Member

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    Well, thanks for your ideas. In the end it didn't matter. She wouldn't quit the suspicion and we have gone our own ways. For the best, but it has kicked my ass because I did love her.
    Oh well. Been two months now and it's getting better. Guess I'll try again!
    Have a good one!