I need some serious help.

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by ThrowAway, Feb 26, 2013.

  1. ThrowAway

    ThrowAway New Member

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    I have a problem that is not easy to explain. The end result is that I can't maintain an erection with a girl, although I don't have much trouble when I'm by myself. I'm a youngish (26), successful, relatively attractive guy so I'm hesitant to say that it's primarily a confidence issue, but it could be! My sexual confidence is definitely down the drains as a result of recent experiences. Anyway, rather than guess at what my problem is I'll give you some information and maybe you guys could throw some ideas at me.

    Before I ever had a girlfriend, I discovered porn. I was maybe 13 years old and normally would masturbate once or twice a day. I've read about porn addiction and I'm not sure if it was the case with me... after the first year or so my taste in porn never changed. It never became more extreme. I figured out in that first year that for whatever reason I had an anal fetish. I loved to watch women being dominated, humiliated. I feel incredibly guilty about it when I'm not turned on, as I know it's wrong to some extent. I feel like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde or something. But anyway, for the next 5 years or so I masturbated most days almost exclusively to anal porn.

    When I was 18 years old I got into my first serious relationship. We waited a LONG time for sex, if I remember right it was at least 6 or 8 months. When the time finally came I was so nervous that I couldn't do it. I remember the humiliation of going through condom after condom trying to make it work, but I just couldn't stay turned on long enough before I'd get nervous and lose it. We worked at it for a day or two and suddenly something clicked and we started having sex all the time. I guess I just got past my nerves and gained confidence. It became sort of a goal of mine to confide in the girl about my anal fetish and maybe try it. That eventually happened and I had NEVER been so turned on before, even though she wasn't super into it. We did it maybe 3 times in our 2 year relationship and I still felt horny all the time, regular sex was plenty good enough for me! I would watch some porn on the side but it didn't seem to affect my sex life. I went off to college and we broke up.

    I went through a couple more relationships without much difficulty. Sometimes the very first time we'd try to hook up, I wouldn't be able to get it up, but it always worked out. Some girls were into the anal fetish, some were not, and I was okay with that.

    Then I got into a second more serious relationship. Over the course of 2 years I completely lost sexual interest in her, despite being insanely attracted to her in the beginning. At the end we'd have sex once every month or two. I chalked it up to my being turned off by her clinginess and overattachment, as I saw it at the time. We of course broke up.

    6 months to a year later I entered my most recent long term (2 year) relationship, and it was almost identical to the last one. At first I was horny all the time, by the end it was like I had lost my libido completely. Except for one thing... this girl enjoyed anal, and right up until the end of the relationship that was capable of turning me on just as much as in the beginning. So it was all I wanted, and I could hardly even get aroused if I didn't think I would get it. It was horrible for her though, she obviously could tell I wasn't really into the standard sex and she tried weening me off the anal stuff. For a combination of reasons, lack of sex being one, we ended up breaking up. Just prior to the breakup, I had my testosterone tested as a last ditch effort and the doctor said everything was normal. I also tried going without any porn whatsoever for 3 or 4 months, to no effect. Again, I figured that I just wasn't very attracted to this girl, that something with her was off and that it wasn't necessarily a problem with me.

    So a few months ago I started going on dates with new girls. One of the them in particular was just absolutely amazing... easily the most attractive girl I have ever been with, well traveled, intelligent. She was also ridiculously sexually confident, and the old problem struck. We tried SO MANY TIMES, and it never happened. We even tried while high, which is something I hadn't done in years but remembered it being amazing. Nothing. I would go down on her and get her off, but even that wasn't turning me on. It got to the point where I would dread being in private with her because I was so embarassed about it. I feel like I am just not as turned on by women as I should be... I can recognize when they are hot, but when the time comes I don't feel very excited about it. And I'm not sure if that is because of my history or if it's because something changed in me. I don't like the things that actually do turn me on, if that makes sense, and I want to change. It seems like I am turned off by confidence, turned on by humiliation and the "wrongness" of anal sex. I would really like to be able to enjoy normal sex... I would give anything to be able to get as excited about it as I do for anal.

    I've been trying the following in an effort to improve my libido, although I don't know if that's the problem...
    -Working out 3x a week
    -"The 5 G's" ginseng, green tea, garlic, ginger, ginkgo biloba
    -No porn

    Please help me to figure this out, and I apologize for the wall of text!
     
  2. Mittimer

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    Have you considered being confused with your sexuality? I know that may be a long stretch but it is something to consider.

    Other then that, I'm really not quite sure what to tell you. :( I know that isn't much help, but there has got to be some sort of mental block you have with sex and relationships or even sex with females in general.

    What exactly DOES turn you on, other then anal?
     
  3. ThrowAway

    ThrowAway New Member

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    It's definitely crossed my mind but I am 100% sure it's not the issue. When I would watch porn, it was always straight porn, imagining myself as being the guy. The idea of doing anything with a guy is an instant turn off, and not because I think it's wrong. It just doesn't turn me on.

    To answer your question... I am turned on by the normal things, especially when they are new and exciting (with a new girl), I am just maybe slower to get aroused by them than I imagine most guys are based on what I see in movies, and girls' reactions. For example, something that was happening with the most recent girl, is that we'd just be making out and I'd get an erection, but almost as soon as the clothes came off it'd be gone. Maybe I'm caught in some kind of cycle of failure type thing and I AM just nervous... that situation would definitely indicate it. But I feel like I should be so excited about hooking up that I just forget about the nervousness.
     
  4. redics_girl

    redics_girl Active Member

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    you should look up a sexuality professional/counselor..... could help you get to the bottom of whatever is going on. you mention that being turned on by girls being dominated and humilitated, and feeling guilty because you know it's wrong to some extent. but my question is- who says its wrong? Maybe you are a dominant sexual personality, who needs to be with a submissive.... it's not wrong. Plenty of girls are in to that sort of thing. I'm not one for humilation, but I definitly get off on being dominated. Some of our best sex comes when my husband acts the tough dominant alpha male and expects me to do what he wants, when he wants it, and to enjoy it. you really should find someone you can talk to about it. we're all here for advice and to listen when you need it, but if you're having this much of a guilty issue/complex about your sexuality, i think you need more hope than we are qualified to give.
     
  5. sandwich

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    You said you are off porn, but I am assuming you still masturbate. Are the old porn images in your mind when you masturbate? It can be hard to ditch them. It's like they become part of you and the rewiring that has gone on in you that makes you only attracted to certain things.

    In certain instances porn addiction can render a person unable to perform. I suppose if it were me I would first research the process of overcoming porn addicition to see what others have found to be successful.

    I went through an anal porn phase and it started to concern me that it was the only thing I wanted to watch so I quit all porn for a while and now I make sure I get at least some variety. I don't watch all the time, though. I get tired of it and take really long breaks.

    The sex counseling idea suggested above might help, and maybe you need to see an MD.
     
  6. Meee

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    Welcome to the forums. I think you've explained things well and you've given us plenty to respond to. I'm going to start with these two, and I'll probably have more to say later on.

    Never compare yourself to porn. Porn is deliberately not realistic. It's trying to give people fantasies where sex isn't awkward and doesn't take any effort, and doesn't take any real communication (since the performers can't act, so they keep the talking to a minimum).

    So take the time to get it back. Start making out again. Feel each other's naked bodies. Sex doesn't have to be linear from the first kiss to the final ejaculation. It can have stops and starts and switching around and trying different things. You talk about "standard" and "normal" sex. Be flexible about that.

    And instead of the 5Gs, just eat fresh foods, get fresh air, get plenty of sleep, and be aware of sources of stress in your life, such as work issues. Good luck.
     
  7. lbushwalker

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    Hi TA, your handle suggests low self esteem and that is sad if that is how you see yourself.
    If it is true that you have no interest in male anal then to me it simply means that your early porn experiences have fixated your preferences in a very powerful way.
    Also like others have suggested I think that you need professional help because frankly anal sex is an extension to "normal" sexual relations and not the primary goal.
    As for your performance failures again anxiety and disappointments becomes a catch 22 situation with predictable outcomes and somehow you need to break down that vicious cycle.
     
  8. Polly

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    I think lbush is right. I also think early exposure to porn can affect young kids in a very profound way, especially if it can be considered extreme like domination/humiliation. To an adolescent with an immature brain this may have some sort of bad chemical/hormonal reaction that can't be corrected. I've often thought it can be somewhat like when adult survivors of child sexual abuse can have difficulties with sex later on in life.

    You seem to have an amazing ability to analyze yourself, not many people are able to do that. But it could also be causing you to overthink things and now they have become sort of a fixation resulting in you not being aroused by vanilla sex.

    What caught my eye in your OP is that you said you "don't have much trouble by yourself". Does that mean you have SOME trouble? Does it take a lot of effort to be aroused when you masturbate? What does it exactly take for you to be aroused when you're by yourself?

    Sex is much more a brain thing than a physical thing (imo). If you compare your masturbating to having vanilla sex with a girl the only difference is what you allow yourself to think about right? It's just one sort of movement during masturbation vs. let's say the movement in a missionary position. So in reality it's not so much about what they look like or what they're willing to do but more about your own thought process in getting yourself off and what sort of chemistry the two of you have.

    My husband goes through phases in what turns him on. In the beginning he had a problem maintaining an erection too, not unlike you. We talked about it a lot and in the end we found out that he was very embarrassed about "being a pervert" as he called himself. But the more we talked about it (he was very honest with me) the more comfortable he became. Until this wasn't a problem anymore. We have been together for 9 years now and in all that time his ability to get himself off is a combination of his attraction to me and what he's fantasizing about while we have sex. Sometimes he talks about it while we have sex and sometimes he doesn't - either way, I know his mind is focused on his current fantasy and at the same time he somehow involves me in the fantasy in his mind.... so I get plenty of attention and great pleasure out of our sexlife. Plus I have my own way of being turned on and eventually getting an orgasm. Him getting and maintaining an erection hasn't been a problem in all that time except in the beginning. What worked for him was to accept who he is sexually and feeling my acceptance as well.

    Maybe you should stop focusing so much on wanting to be turned on by vanilla sex and shift your focus on what goes on in your mind and just let your mind go where it wants to go. It's also about how well you can relax with your girlfriend - what sort of communication have you had with your ex girlfriends? Have you told them all these things about your sexuality? If you felt intimidated by them (like the last one you described) you won't be able to relax enough? If you analyze it a little - was it her confidence that was a turn-off for you like you're hinting at? Or was it you feeling somehow inferior or feeling intimidated by her?

    In the end, it's what your mind does.... that's what I think. Maybe you're going to need professional help to shift how your thought process interacts with your arousal and attraction to the women in your life. You have already ruled out lack of testostrone and this being physical.
     
  9. ThrowAway

    ThrowAway New Member

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    This is a good point. Maybe I just feel "wrong" about it because most of the girls I've been with weren't all that into it. It can be hard enough finding a quality relationship even without being so specific in my needs sexually, I can't imagine how I'd go about finding a girl like this. I guess it's just a matter of time. Thanks for your response :)

    It's always either the porn images or particular occasions (basically always anal) with ex girlfriends I am thinking of. I find it very difficult, but not impossible, to masturbate thinking about a new partner. It's because I feel like they are so new to me that I wouldn't feel comfortable having sex with them, so I can't masturbate about them either. I really hope it might be possible to "rewire", I have done some reading and it makes a difference for some people. Thanks for the reply!
     
  10. ThrowAway

    ThrowAway New Member

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    You're right that I need to be flexible about what "normal" is, the problem is in actually being that way. It feels like the moment I get an erection my thought process is "well, it's only a matter of time before this is gone. this is going to be embarrassing," and then it's gone. And once it's gone I am so embarrassed that I can't overcome the negative thoughts. I don't know how to break the cycle. Thanks for the response!

    Oh sorry if the handle caused confusion! Throw-away is just a reference to this account being a "throw away" so that I can't be identified... a disposable account. Sexually my self esteem is low, but in every day life I have good self esteem.

    I can recognize that you are correct about anal being an extension of normal sex, which is what makes this thing so hard on me. I'm like the robot with no heart... I can TELL that there is something wrong or missing, but I don't know how to change it. Maybe you all are right about getting professional help.

    The catch 22 is definitely a factor, because I am ALWAYS thinking about previous failures when I'm in a new sexual situation. How do I break it? Who knows. Thank you!
     
  11. ThrowAway

    ThrowAway New Member

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    What a great response, thanks for taking the time! Well, I hope it's not a permanent problem, that's for sure!

    I analyze everything, not just myself. Actually, this is something that I maybe should have put in the original post. I am an air traffic controller, one of the most stressful jobs in the world. I've been doing it for 3 years, so the problem was "kind of" occurring before I got the job. That is to say, I didn't have a problem getting erections normally, but over time I would become disinterested in some of the girls I was dating. But that may just be a normal part of dating. The first two and a half years of work were EXTREMELY stressful because I was learning the ropes and could have been fired at any moment... 70% of other trainees failed. Now I am done training and I don't feel as stressed out as I did, but maybe this is something to do with it?

    Well, I suppose I worded it that way because if I'm not masturbating about vanilla sex, I can get off easily. But if I do try to do it thinking about normal sex, it just takes longer. The same goes for if I try to masturbate about a girl I have just started seeing... it's not easy, as I explained in a previous reply, because I know I wouldn't feel comfortable having sex with her, and so for whatever reason I don't feel right masturbating about her either.

    I think you're right about it being a mental activity. It really isn't so different from masturbating. Maybe because I over analyze and think about things too much, I can't simply think maintain the same thought process during sex as I would when masturbating, because I think it's "wrong", or because I'm nervous.

    Glad to hear there was a happy ending for you :) This might just be a low point in my sexual self esteem... and maybe I do need help getting out of it.

    I feel like my communication with ex girlfriends was generally good, but in my last two serious (2 year) relationships, I didn't have a problem getting an erection. The problem was that over a long enough time frame I lost interest sexually, although I could still get aroused enough to have sex. Regarding the flings and hook ups I've tried to have after the last long term girlfriend, I would not have felt comfortable talking about everything I was feeling at the time. And to answer your last question: yes it was definitely a feeling of inferiority/intimidation that was turning me off, so I guess it wasn't specifically her confidence.

    Thanks again!
     
  12. Meee

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    There are some ways to break the cycle of negative thoughts. One of them is to have accurate information. Here's a useful fact for you: Men's erections come and go during sex. It's a known thing that happens.

    As I said, sex isn't linear.

    Wrong thinking: Once I get an erection, I'm supposed to keep it without a break until the big finish.

    Right thinking: Erections come and go. We can do other fun stuff along the way.

    Another way to break a cycle of negative thoughts, and to overcome embarrassment, is to get it out in the open, to talk about it out loud with your partner. Even saying "I'm embarrassed" will help break the spell and get a response from your partner that shows her understanding. Honest talk about your feelings and about the facts of the situation will help break the cycle. But resist judgmental talk, like "I blew it," "I'm a failure," "I'm not normal." Really, in the big picture, you're actually pretty normal. What you're going through is more common than you think.
     
    #12 Meee, Feb 27, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2013
  13. rileyjane

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    I think that due to all of the porn you have watched, it has messed up your expectations. And possibly has confused and overwhelmed you with real life realtionships. I think you need to really take a look at your life and your partner, try to work together, be honest, open and communicate...
     
  14. 12barblues

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    There seems to be much good advice in this thread....I can only add this; when u put yourself under pressure to perform, you will almost always come up short. If you mentally flip it around , and instead of worrying about getting hard actually told your girlfriend that you don't think she could get you hard. You'll have an erection in seconds....reverse psychology for your penis....lol