I Need Advice

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Blacksonet, Mar 19, 2005.

  1. Blacksonet

    Blacksonet New Member

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    I've been reading this forum for some time and now I can use your help

    I’m looking for some advise.

    I intercepted an e-mail to my girlfriend of 8 years I shouldn’t have seen her e-mail but I did and the damage is done. What I saw was a message from an old boyfriend and her reply that they will be meeting for a romantic evening in a few months when he comes into town. The evening was explained in graphic detail I might add.

    Should I confront her now or set her up and catch her in the act? Now that I have the e-mail password I can monitor the date time and place. It looks like it will be in late May or early June at this point.

    I’d rather not let her know that I’ve seen the e-mail and be accused of snooping but this is tearing me up inside. I’ve never liked this guy.

    Any suggestions?
     
  2. Logger

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    Dear Black Sonet,

    First, I suggest you have a duty of secrecy for the sake of Honor. Your Honor and Hers. It is one thing to cheat, it is another thing to be blatantly unfaithful. Many people cheat discreetly. Sounds like GF was trying to be considerate of you, and be discreet about it. I suggest that there is no need to go around shooting offyour m,outh about it. Can you keep a secret? Can you be trusted? Does her father fool around discreetly? Does she know about it? What does she suspect about her parents fidelity secrets? Can you keep your mouth shut?

    I tried to find a thread on the forum where the guy went to his GF's ssiters, adn asked them for help, and told them about the infidelity. I got on his case about disclosing secrets. Some things, like infidelity, and some other things, are PRIVATE, and if you talk about private things, then you are untrustworthy. That thread has apparently been deleted.

    There is a forum that deals largely with infidelity, marriagebuilders. com. It does not sound like you understand the Marriage Builders Principles of building a relationship. I suggest you read, and get an understanding of the Love Bank, Love Busters, Emotional Needs, and Radical Honesty, describe in the MB site articles. There is a section on MB for unmarried lovers building a relationship.

    There is a book that I picked up at the library, that is highly regarded on MB:

    The book is Love Must Be Tough, by Dr. James C. Dobson, Library No. 306.87 D, 1983, Word Books, ISBN 0-8499-0348-3. This book largely deals with infidelity in the first 12 chapters, in marriage, and the path to divorce, or reconciliation.

    You have committed the Maroon Harpoon, P. 38. You have snooped around and found your lover is unfaithful, and now you are in agony, and you will probably take further steps that will lead to more agony than you would have had, not knowing, if you had not snopped.

    You have a chance to talk about being true, in advance of the other guy coming to town. BOUNDARIES, Townsend and Cloyd, search this forum or MB, for a wealth of info and referneces. The first step in Boundaries management, is to look at yourself. Do you toe the line to the extent the GF thinks is ideal? Are there areas that you are letting slip? Have you bought GF an Engagement Ring? If GF has been putting out for you for 8 years, and you have not proposed marriage, how do you suggest you have a candle to hold, to ask her to wait longer? Do you have children with her? Over the 8 years, what have you done to increase your income to meet her standards of living? How is your relationship with her parents?

    Boundaries Face to Face, 2003, suggests the challenge is to have the difficult conversation. You can have the conversation without telling her you were snooping. Finding things out, creates a trust that you will keep your lover's secrets, maybe even from her. If you expect GF to be faithful why have you not bought her a ring? An engagement to marry is only a promise, when you have set a date for the wedding, in most states, but you might check with an attorney in your jurisdiction so you don't get sued for Breach of Promise.

    Find an excuse to call the guy up. Something like, "I was looking into some Widget stock for an investor friend of mine. Didn't you have an old boy friend who was invovled with widgets? Why don't you give me his phone number so I can get some advice from him on widgets."

    Obviously there is no one correct answer. Generally you have to start looking at the foundations of your relationship, to get things on rock solid, grounded respect.

    You have provided very few details, and I have made a number of assumptions, which may be incorrect, or may be unsupportive of your actual situation. I will try to answer back, if you post again, and attempt to be supportive.

    I used to think that if Love was real, then Fidelity occurred automatically. I now see Love as a series of decisions, and Fathfulness must be managed. Managing myself, first, then my wife and opportunists looking to enjoy my wife.

    Here are some other MB Threads:

    A GF is untrue:http://sexualforums.com/talk/showthread.php?t=1261&highlight=honor

    Cheating discussed in General Terms:http://sexualforums.com/talk/showthread.php?t=1420&highlight=secret



    The LOVE MUST BE TOUGH book has no index, and I will try to list the pages and concepts, which discuss Tough Love as it applies to general situations.

    Balancing assertiveness and distance, affects control P. 42, 54,

    Begging and Pleading Options, P, 46

    Blatant Infidelity, as disrespectful, P. 45

    Commanding Increased Respect, P. 148

    Courtship compared to Marriage for building Love, P. 46

    Dependency, P. 42

    Detached and Independent, P. 148

    Disrespect as a hidden troublespot, P. 45

    Doormat, P. 25

    Force the Issue to a Crisis, P. 56

    Freedom to love is necessary for Love, and attemting to control a Lover pushes love away, so part of TOUGH LOVE is being able to stand like an Oak Tree, without trying to entagle yourlover. P. 31, 38, 42

    Maroon Harpoon, sereptitiously gathering incriminatin information on a lover, Then experiencing agony in hte discovery P. 38

    Mystery and Dignity, P. 42

    Oppositional impulses to resist marital duties are dimisihed by making sure a cage has not been constructed around your partner, P. 47. 48, 49

    Quiet tolerance compared wtih expression of Strong Feelings, P. 45

    Respect for free will is an important factor, P. 48

    Self-Confidence, increases, as clining is released. P. 49

    Self Control awareness is an important factor, P. 47

    Summary of Chapters 1 & 2, P. 30

    Surface Issues, P. 44

    Trapped Feelings, must be alleveiated by the partner in control for Love to grow more P. 45
     
    #2 Logger, Mar 19, 2005
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2005
  3. Logger

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    In Paragraph 7 of my post above, I mis-spelled the name of Cloud. It should read, BOUNDARIES by Townsend and Cloud. There are a number of other typos which I did not catch before my rime ran out, but the rest of my typos can probably be understood for their meaning.

    Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Apparently you need a shorter leash on that puppy. Maybe you need to start a card file on this guy, and develop some levers to pull, and let him know you can make his life less than pleasant. Arrange things so he feels like he is wearing a 10,000 Volt control belt for which you have the remote control switch. On a positive approach, get the guy a girl friend, so he will leave yours alone.

    Some women are trustworthy, and some are not. Studies show that some percentage of women are unfaithful. I don't particuarly trust my wife. When I feel that our relationship is going downhill, I try to give my wife more attention. Take her to lunch, pick her up after work, call her more often, up to 3 times a day. Focus more on sweet nothings. I don't particularly check up on her, in a direct manner.

    Do you understand all the aspects of being a good lover? Have you read the Love Diet?
    The Love Diet MB Thread


    Blessings
     
  4. Blacksonet

    Blacksonet New Member

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    To Logger Thanks

    Good advice and thank you for taking all the time to write it out. Not to worry about the typos mine are often worse.

    The EX has a girlfriend and I have begun to create a file on him. My plan at this point is to se where it go and let it go where ever she wants to take it. If she puts the brakes on well then good I have someone special if not I say good bye and good luck. You asked about marrage after all this time. It's just not something either of us wants after each of us got out of bad ones.

    Thanks again.


     
  5. Logger

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    Dear Black Sonet,

    I tried to lay out a number of ideas, without giving a recommendation of which avenue to follow. Probably other readers have other ideas they could present to you.

    What comes to mind is a Boundaries conversation wtih GF, something like, "I want you to know that I am in love with you, and have emotional dependecies on you. I want you to feel free to let me know of any consideration I can extend to you, and be sure you know that you have the keys to my heart. So I am following the priciples of Radical Honesty by being ready to answer any question you have about my activities and expenditures at this time. I am following Radical Honesty by avoiding doing anything that I would want to keep from telling you about. So if there is any concept of Love that you have any slight discomfort about, please bring that up to me. I want to give you the good feeling that I am YOUR man."

    If fidelity is important to you, then one way to set a boundary for her, is to be sure she has confidence in a similar boundary for yourself. Golden Rule: Don't do something to another person, that you would not want them to do to you.

    What are GF's feelings about boundaries. Under what situations is it OK for you to call old girl friends? See other Women? Go to Lunch or Dinner? Hug? Kiss? Is church OK? Organizations? Lady counselors or ministers? What contacts with other women can you change? In what ways do you give ideas that discreet cheating is OK? What happened with fidelity in your divorce? Her Divorce? What are the disadvantages of marriage that each of you has discovered? Any ways to negotiate through your concerns?

    Just some furhter thoughts.

    Blessings