I need advice - I don't find my wife attractive anymore...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Lonerfox, May 6, 2011.

  1. Lonerfox

    Lonerfox New Member

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    Hi.
    First post.
    I'm in a dilemma.

    Like the title says....I don't find my wife attractive anymore.

    We've been together for 14 years, and have 2 kids, ages 4 and 6. She has not let herself go, she's very attractive, but the spark is gone. I don't find her attractive anymore.

    We've been through a lot and I love her dearly, but it's also because of what we've been through that's changed my perception of her.

    She's been sick a lot, so I've been in a care giver role to her for a long time. Of course there's the two kids thrown into the mix, one has special needs, so there is a lot of effort required in a day. I'm the breadwinner and she's a home maker (but not the best one, lol!)

    When she's not sick, she's really "up", and happy and she expects me to be happy and excited with her.... I just can't. I find it difficult to change from being a care giver to being a husband.

    When she's happy she feels great...but that's the time when I can breathe and not have to worry about her health for a while (It's not life threatening)

    So, I think that the fact that I have to take care of her has altered my perception of her. I just don't find her attractive anymore. She's a great person, a great friend but it's difficult to get excited about her sexually.

    I just don't know what to do. I realise that this is serious and that she's going to start suspecting sometime but I just can't fake it.

    I have been to counselling, and it was great to help me understand the caregiver vs. lover roles, but she recommended that I go to a sex therapist.

    It's tough because I can't really do that without raising suspicion...

    Doe anyone have any advice to offer me?

    I dunno what to do...I sit up late into the night feeling alone and depressed. I know that she's waiting for me, welcoming me, but most nights I just can't.....
     
  2. nurseharley

    Gold Member

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    sweet home...
    the best advice i can give right now is to tell her how you feel. that will start some sort of wheel turning.

    maybe you two can think of ideas together of how to bring the spark back.

    in sickness and in health.....
     
  3. andretti

    andretti New Member

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    Wow - is this for real?

    When I saw your thread title, I was expecting to find out she's let herself go, that she's grouchy all the time, that she doesn't come on to you anymore...

    When I read that she was sick, I expected to read that her illness affected her demeanor, and that it was hard for her to go from patient to lover, that she had become cold and disinterested...

    Instead, we find out she's taking care of herself, she's happy when she's not down, she's trying to keep you engaged with her, she's still attractive, she's waiting and welcoming...

    Believe you me, you ought to be finding her more attractive than ever! So many men have been through what you're going through, without the wife working as hard to keep the magic alive. You ought to be attracted to her, just because of how much of a trooper she is!

    I've got one other way to put it that might give you that proverbial knock-in-the-side-of-the-head that you need:

    Hi. First post. I'm in a dilemma.

    Like the title says.... I don't find my husband attractive anymore.

    We've been together for 14 years, and have 2 kids, ages 4 and 6. He hasn't let himself go; he's still very attractive, but the spark is gone.

    We've been through a lot and I love him dearly, but what we've been through has changed my perception of him.

    He's been sick a lot, so I've been in a caregiver role for a long time. There's two kids thrown into the mix, one with special needs, so there is a lot of effort required in a day. He tries to keep everything running smoothly - but he's not always the best at it - lol!

    When he's not sick, he's really up! He's happy and he expects me to be happy and excited with him, but.... I just can't. I find it difficult to change from being a caregiver to being a loving wife.

    When he's happy he feels great...but that's the time when I can take a deep breath and not have to worry about his health for a while. I think that the fact that I have to take care of him has altered my perception of him. I just don't find him attractive anymore. He's a great person, and a great friend, but it's difficult to get excited about him sexually.

    I just don't know what to do! I sit up late into the night feeling alone and depressed. I know that he's waiting for me, wanting me, but most nights I just can't get interested.....

    Signed,

    Lonerfox's Wife



    Man, oh, man. Were a woman to post that in a forum, she'd probably see the B-word tossed back at her left and right!
     
  4. MidNight

    MidNight New Member

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    you need to ask your self do you want to risk loosing her ??

    you just need to talk to her and try new things to get the spark back if you dont talk to her then she wont know how to fix things...
     
  5. EnticingPassion

    EnticingPassion New Member

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    I'm not very good at helping people but I'll give it a whirl..
    What I think you need to do is see what you still find attractive about each other, communicate, and find different way to express that desire instead of just regular sex. For instance, instead of you just penetrating her why not try and kiss her body and appreciate the sounds and feelings she makes. If that doesn't turn you on it could be something deeper then just attraction that's failing so I second that sex therapist idea.

    What do you think?
     
  6. cbrmale

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    I don't understand why seeing a sex therapist would raise suspiscions. My recommendations is to see psycologists rather than counsellors, as psychologists have a better understanding of sex, so you get both issues dealt with. Unlike some, I do understand the issue, it's like fucking your patient, and that's a hard one to get one's head around.

    In any case seeing a psychologist or a sex therapist, who's going to give you verbal guidance in regards to sex, seems to be the solution. And if you don't want to hurt the one you love, keep it secret. If not secret, then oblique (I'm going to see a therapist).
     
  7. EnticingPassion

    EnticingPassion New Member

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    Exactly, you took the words right out of my noggin. :toast
     
  8. backcheck64

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    You mentioned YOU'VE seen a therapist, why hasn't it been as a couple? The problem involves both of you, BOTH should be in sessions, and if need be, a sex therapist involved. What is the nature of her illness? And you have to remember, you've got the wellfare of two young kids in the balance that take priorty over your wellfare.
     
  9. awakened

    awakened New Member

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    The first thing that came to my mind is that you may not be attracted to her anymore because she is not trying to attract you. We have been in the same situation and i ended up feeling very in love with him still but i wasnt EVEN trying to be sexy or attract him. I had gotten so comfortable with him in a LOVING type relationship with him caring for me that I forgot my sexual side becuase I was just so happy to be feeling better and not THE PATIENT.

    I suggest in your own way, try to ease her back into her sexuality by, say, buying her something very sexy to wear and whatever else would spark it.

    Anyway, Im sure your therapist has given you some ideas !!!!

    I am always curious to what would have happened to our marriage if I had not popped out of the mother/wife mode myself and started to feel like his lover once again !!!!
    We have never been this happy.
     
  10. Lonerfox

    Lonerfox New Member

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    Hey thanks for the judgement on post #1. Always makes
    Someone feel SO much better about the situation.
     
  11. awakened

    awakened New Member

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    Oh, just consider the source !!! Young and nowhere near the life experience !!! Dont let one comment bother you :)
     
  12. Lonerfox

    Lonerfox New Member

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    Thanks for that... That might be it... I'm definitely going to explore that one.

    I think your right. When she feels better her mood is so great, of course because she's not feeling sick, she's enjoying being well.

    I'll subtly get working on her side of attraction too.

    Thank you for the insight. :)
     
  13. Lonerfox

    Lonerfox New Member

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    Exactly, I agree! Hence me asking for help :)

    I really wan to make it work, so I do need to sort this out.
    Thanks for the reply!
     
  14. backcheck64

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    Buy some lingerie and put it on top in her drawer, that might give her a hint. I find the best way is to just talk about it, but what would I know, only been married for 24yrs.
     
  15. Lonerfox

    Lonerfox New Member

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    Hey and thanks for the reply!
    We have actually done that, and once we do get into it, there's no problem.
    It's most certainly a deeper issue... It's a mental thing, I think. I think the difficulty lies in engaging in the first place. To take that step from seeing her as a sick person that needs care to someone I want to have sex with is really hard. I just don't see her as sexy, I see her as a sickly person who needs care.

    That's what I gotta work on...and that's the hard part.
     
  16. Lonerfox

    Lonerfox New Member

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    Nah it doesn't bother me, I just wanted to let him know that he kinda comes off as a douchebag with commenst like those. :)
     
  17. Lonerfox

    Lonerfox New Member

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    Well, off to work, I'll check back when I can, thanks all!! :)
     
  18. andretti

    andretti New Member

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    Hey, this was your first post.

    It's not like no one has ever come in here and crashed the party by saying something outrageous, and then disappeared.

    Many folks on this forum take a lot of time to compose thoughtful replies. Many outsiders seem to think it's funny to yank their chains.

    You quoted something I added at the last minute, a disclaimer of sorts, thinking maybe you might be somebody having a little fun with us. If not, I apologize.

    That said, I stand by the rest of my response. All I was trying to say was, "Try walking a mile in her shoes; look at the situation from her point of view. Maybe that might help you rekindle some love for her." She sounds like a keeper to me.

    andretti
     
  19. collette

    collette Member

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    I don't have advice but just wanted to say that I recently met someone in the same position who said the same exact things.

    After seeing his wife through an illness - being the caretaker, he no longer saw her sexually - those feelings were gone.

    Just wanted you to know, in case you didn't, that others had experienced it too.
     
  20. Lonerfox

    Lonerfox New Member

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    Thank you very much for that Colette, it makes me feel better to know that I'm not alone in what I'm feeling.
    Thank you.