I messed up

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by AGFUNK, Aug 12, 2014.

  1. AGFUNK

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    I starting talking to and hanging out with an old friend of mine behind my husband's back. He just found out the day before yesterday about it because he saw a text when he had my phone. I use to date this friend in highschool and still had feelings for him when I met and married my husband. I was honest about these feelings and it really hurt my husband. I cut off all contact with my friend because I wanted my marriage. Five years later I no longer have any feelings towards this friend other than friendship. He has his own family and I have mine. I very much love my husband and even though I vent about sex and everything else I still only want him and I want our marriage to work.

    I started talking to my friend again in June around the time my husband lost his job. We have hung out a few times but nothing sexual or physical happened. We didn't even hug. He met my son and I met his girlfriend and her daughter. He has drove me to my grandmother's house. I know what I did was wrong in lying to my husband. I feel bad now that it hurts him so much that he wants to divorce me. I don't know what to do to make this better. He doesn't believe me that I didn't cheat on him. I don't know what to do. He says he will stay and pretend that he likes me for our son but does not love me anymore or even like me. Please help I have no one else to ask.
     
  2. rockypeak

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    I think if he truly loves you, he will believe in you and forgive you. You didn't really do anything but talk with an old friend and in time he will realize it. Give him time to process it all.
     
  3. Mittimer

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    If he wants to divorce you, do it. You're better off without him and this is your out.

    He's treated you like absolute shit for a long time now. He's using this as an excuse. Remember the message on his computer saying you were a burden? How you have to beg for sex? How he lied to you for weeks about losing his job? Everything else he's done to hurt you?? He hasn't liked or loved you for a long time. He's using this as a means to hurt you more. Don't let him!

    Tell him to fuck off and happily sign those papers.


    Also want to add that your child is young enough that if your husband were to leave right now, he would never know or remember him. Clearly this is a better option.
     
    #3 Mittimer, Aug 12, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2014
  4. AGFUNK

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    I want to be with him and even if I didn't little guy needs to be with his daddy. I grew up with a father that didn't want me. It's important that he knows his daddy and spends time with him. I don't want a divorce I want counseling. He doesn't see the point. I can forget about the sex. I don't want to lose him.
     
  5. Mittimer

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    Then there is nothing anyone can do to help you. You do nothing but say how miserable he makes you and you WANT to stay in that? Crazy.

    There's nothing else I have to say on this subject.
     
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  6. AGFUNK

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    I use this place as a vent space. I don't have friends other than internet friends so you guys hear all the bad stuff but never the good. I really think if he went back on medication he would not be so depressed. That's most of his problem.
     
  7. 10_3XL

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    Mitt basically already spoke for pretty much all of us (your friends) here, I believe.
    You need to exit the situation.
     
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  8. JonJo

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    Yes! Mitt gave you the best possible advice you can get - take it.
     
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  9. Joys

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    I also think that Mitt has said the best possible. You've done absolutely nothing wrong. Stand up to him, tell him to bring along the papers - you've been too soft to him till now, probably he'd even haul in his horns (if that's the correct idiom to use here)
     
  10. rockypeak

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    I don't know you or your situation as well as the others here, and I may be off base, but their advice seems cold and final. Would you really be better off alone? Would the child be better off without a father? I say try to work it out.
     
  11. ginger

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    Time for.....

    Actions speak louder than words.
     
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  12. Doitagain

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    I absolutely understand wanting to make it work for your son and I understand that you use this place for venting and we heat a lot of the bad stuff. But everything you put on here is bad enough that really you should make the DIVORCE work , as in work on making it smooth as possible on your son. I am happy that you want to work it out at least but I believe that it will not work based on what I have been told here. There is a lot of messed up stuff you told us about him and I believe it will happen down the line anyways and his behavior makes me believe he checked out a while ago and this situation with your friend was his out he was looking for. Just my opinion based on what you told us and I cannot see anyway there is good stuff that could possibly out weigh his nonsense
     
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  13. 10_3XL

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    As a man who was once the child that grew up/lived with parents who "stuck it out for the kids" (when they did not like, love, or at all care for one another) until I was 12 years old, I can inform you that decision is exactly the WRONG thing to do if the child's well-being in the long term is of importance.
    Also: Divorce doesn't automatically mean removal of the child's father - it means an end to the marriage between AG and her husband. He can remain as much of a presence in the child's life after a divorce as he wants to or as AG allows.
     
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  14. Joys

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    What I meant by "haul in his horns" was, you have treated him so softly, obediently so far, he could back off if you stood up to him and said bring along the papers this time. If he doesn't, you have nothing to worry about after all
     
  15. backcheck64

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    For once I totally agree with Mitt. You're like one of those women on Maury who's husband beats the shit out of them but "I love him Maury". You need to wake up dear. If even half of what you've said about him is true, you need to follow Mitts advice. I don't care what little he does good, he's a dead beat asshole with a game addiction. If you have a family to support, you bust your ass to do whatever you have to to support them. If you love someone, games, porn, etc NEVER take priority. He's a bum.
     
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  16. armadillo

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    He wants to divorce because you have a male friend?

    Baffles me that anyone would want to stay in a situation like that.
     
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  17. luvbug

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    I know you want your marriage to work.....don't know why tbh.
    I agree with the others. Your hubby is a dead beat...lazy bum.......he doesn't love you....doesn't want to have sex with you.....has talked shit about you behind your back....wont work and has a game addiction.

    You are working....trying to stay afloat while he sits on his dead ass jacking off and playing games.

    Hes going to stay.....how nice of him. Bottom line is he is staying cuz he doesn't have to work......if he left he would have to find a place to live and get a job. With you....he knows he doesn't.

    Hes not doing you or your baby any favors. Tell him to get the damn divorce papers....sign them with a smile on your face.
    YOU can determine how often he sees your son. If he doesn't see him then you know he doesn't give a damn about your son either.

    Tell him " Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya"

    You deserve so much better AG.
     
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  18. NedF

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    I will only offer this tiny bit of advice;

    Open a dialog with your SO and both of you air out your dirty laundry, and if either of you have issues with keeping it calm seek professional counceling.

    Weigh any advice given by someone who only knows one side of the relationship very very carefully, they may not know enough to suggest you make a life altering possibly irreversible decision.

    I wish you all the best.
     
  19. Doitagain

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    Yeah...as I said...it was his excuse for an out. She has pointed out some other issues in the past
     
  20. RubyAsh

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    My two cents AG: regardless of you remaining married or not, your son will always have a father. It is mostly up to you whether you will talk to your son about his father in a good or bad light. You can be divorced and still have a friendly relationship (if nothing else, for the sake of your child). In fact, it is preferable to be divorced and be generally happy, than to remain married and live a miserable unhappy life. Even if you try to hide it from your child, he will sooner or later pick up the vibe and it will hurt him more living the lie of his parents lives.
    Having the courage to break things off with him may hurt a lot, but if it is for your well being and that of your child, then you are better off without him. Think about your future and that of your child if you remain with your husband. I agree with mostly everyone above who already made comments. It is time for hard actions.