I love sex but...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by romanticlove, May 12, 2006.

  1. romanticlove

    romanticlove New Member

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    the sex within my marriage has become uncomfortable for me. To make a long story short, my husband and I began swinging about 8 years ago. We discussed it before we did it and both agreed (or so I thought) that it would be a nice way to add some variety to our relationship once in a while. We were not married yet, at that time. Our first experience was with another couple and was pleasant enough, but I now feel I did it more for my partner's pleasure than mine. He is enough for me and I just don't desire other people. Well move forward and my husband seems way out of control with this. He wants to spend at least one weekend a month with other swingers and we don't seem to get away from the children more than that, so we are either with other couples or our children leaving us with no intimate time. I have expressed my feelings to him and told him I need intimate time with just him. His answer is that when we are sharing our bodies and pleasure with others people, it IS intimate time together.

    Second issue is that for the last few years, he is only interested in MFM threesomes. We have been with very few couples. I do not enjoy MFM threesomes at all and have told him it's just not for me. He sits and listens and then arranges another 3-some and pressures me. I feel used by this. He says he wants to have these 3-somes because my pleasure is so important to him. How does my pleasure have anything to do with this when I don't enjoy it. It overwhelms me to be with two men at once. I just don't understand.

    At this time, our sex life totally revolves around liasons with others or talking about or planning these liasons. We are not having spontaneous or warm loving sex at all. Our sex life is for me becoming one of dread because for him to get off I have to verbally talk about one of these threesomes which felt degrading to me in the first place. Rehashing the 3-some is unpleasant to me. He also wants me to talk a lot about my past sexual experiences in detail while we have sex. Some of these are with guys I had relationships that I'd rather forget. You know, relationships that were big mistakes.


    Also, he refuses to use condoms and doesn't want the other man to use a condom as he enjoys sloppy seconds. I seem to keep vaginal infections and am very afraid of contracting a sexually transmitted disease.

    I'm at a total loss and ready to give up on this marriage. I love sex, but need to be cared about and respected. When my feelings are being ignored, I don't feel cared for or loved. Right now I feel very lonely.

    Any advice.
     
  2. Joe

    Joe
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    The problem is that you started the relationship swinging, so your hubby expects it to continue. But all relationships change, and all partners change. If he can't change with you, and you can't work out a compromise, it's time to end it.

    I also think that NOT using protection is craaaaaazzzzzzyyyyy! If you don't already have an STD, it won't be long before you do.
     
  3. romanticlove

    romanticlove New Member

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    my reply

    I know you are all dead on. I just need to hear it. I can't begin to articulate just how much gurlcat has hit my feelings on the nose. I have felt so humiliated and used. I have even told hubby I feel like a prostitute. He just sloughs it off though. And then plans another 3-some. He just ignores my feelings. Refuses to compromise. The swinging wasn't exactly for me, but once in a while I could do it, but the mfm stuff with single and married men just downright plain makes me feel cheap and used. It sure doesn't bring me pleasure.

    I can't help but wonder what hubby gets from it. I wonder if he is maybe bi-sexual and this somehow satisfies him in some way. He just seems so damned determined to do this. I told him last week and again this week that I wouldn't ever do it again and today he showed me a guy he is corresponding with and wants to know what I think of the guy. I just walked out of the room.

    Keep the replies coming, please. I need to keep hearing this. No one is going to offend me. Believe me, you aren't saying anything I haven't already thought. I want to make a move, but need encouragement. I guess this has effected my self-esteem and I just need to get my confidence up.

    Thanks again
     
  4. Joe

    Joe
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    I also wondered if you hubby might be bi-sexual. Most guys who want a 3-some want FMF, not another guy, and I can't imagine wanting "sloppy seconds" from my wife. That just sounds really, really strange.

    In fact, I can't imagine MFM with my wife. If she wanted FMF, that might be okay... but she'd never want that anyway BECAUSE SHE'S NOT GAY. (She did it once years ago, long before we met, and says she hated it.)

    You should NEVER be forced to have sex, least of all what you're describing. I don't like to advise divorce except in extreme cases, and I think you've just outlined an extreme case. Dump the jerk and get your life in order. He's not going to change.
     
  5. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    As in probably every thread involving deviant sexual behavior, the general consensus is: BOTH PARTIES MUST BE ALIGNED.

    That is the only way it is appropriate. If one party does not enjoy the laison, it is not a sensual, sexy, loving act.

    Whether it be 'porn', 3-somes, anal, facials, bdsm,... whatever....the couple MUST be in agreement. If not, there is a serious relationship problem.
    NOBODY can tell you what is right or wrong. YOU have to decide that.

    If you have told him that you do not want it, and he still insists on it, then honey, the relationship is lopsided. You need to take control of your life.

    Here at :sf, it is common knowledge that nothing is taboo. Only you and your man can decide what is wrong. If you two don't agree, and you are not able to reach an agreement about this most intimate part of your lives, then YOU must make a decision.
    Sounds like you have communicated to him your desires.
    Sounds like he is not interested in your desires.
    Sounds like you two are at an impasse.

    Giving you encouragement and self-confidence is nice... but unless you are willing to make hard choices, it won't much matter. It really seems like you know what to do. Posting about it won't change it. There comes a time to stop talking, and start doing. Give the "ultimatum", and then follow through.
    It's called 'tough love'. And believe me, it's gonna be tough on both of you.
    But the sooner you move past words, and into actions, the better.
    jmho
    :rose
     
  6. Joe

    Joe
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    Rose, you should syndicate a "Dear Rose" column. Or become a therapist. Excellent advice and well said. :tup
     
  7. romanticlove

    romanticlove New Member

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    My reply

    I did take an important first step last week and told one of my friends. She, like me is very open minded sexually and feel that whatever people do sexually is o.k. if everyone is a consenting adult. My friend was appalled by what I have been living with.

    I am also seeing a counselor who helping me towards my goal of leaving. I am making plans and yes I have to be sneaky right now.

    BTW, two of the children are my stepchildren who are his from a second marriage. The youngest child is ours. It seems his first two wives were not sexually compatible with him and he felt like he was always being patronized by them sexually. I should of paid closer attention.

    Don't worry about me jumping into another relationship. Don't need or want one now or my guess is for a very long time. I long for freedom too much and want to spend my time and energy raising my daughter. I also have lots of family support even though they don't know the sexual problems, they do know he is very controlling. The ironic part of this is I am a former counselor and advocate of victims of domestic and sexual abuse. I know fully well what I am experiencing and have for a long time. The problem is (as with all the clients I had) is that the victim loves the abuser and it takes time to let go. I have been detaching for some time now and know it will still be hard, but also know the good will outweigh the bad part of leaving. I want my daughter to grow up emotionally healthy and she can't do that here. She is the most important person in my life and I have to do this for me and her.

    Not that it matters, I guess, but it's strange we all have the same gay/bi-sexual idea going on. I've had this idea for a long time and have even verbalized it and said it's o.k. if that's who you are. He denies it though. But I just know it's so. Makes me feel more used, but at least give some reason for it that I can understand. Don't get me wrong, doesn't make it better for me, but makes me realize it's not a deficiency on my part.

    Thanks all.
     
  8. lbushwalker

    Gold Member

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    Dear Romanticlove,
    I really don't know what to say except to be supportive.
    In my view you had become a sex slave because of your love for this man.
    He may still be a good man but with a strange twist in his character.
    The fact that he happily allows (no insists) to expose you to all the dangers of promiscuity speaks volumes to me.
    Bail out while you still have a life worth living and that advice comes from someone who is no angel himself!

    Your handle tells the story of your aspirations.

    Also atta girl, Gurl!
     
  9. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Thanks, Joe.
    To be totally honest with you AND EVERYBODY HERE... this is one of those times that I suspect a "personal-vendetta/agenda thread", and my first response was to get really pissed off. Hence, my initial response. This just had "post - problem; post - response" script written all over it. And I hate being used.

    Loving this forum (and it's members) as I do, I then decided, "So what? I may be right - I may be wrong (;) - HA! I don't think so). BUT I can turn any vigilante's rant into a soapbox of my own..."

    I DO know there are many that are TRULY in this position, so I will pour my heart out to them. And any thread I may perceive as fake in the future, I will pour myself into as well.
     
  10. romanticlove

    romanticlove New Member

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    This post is not for my personal agenda/vendetta. It is truly written out of pain and confusion. I needed help and perspective from others. This is not a topic I can discuss with just anyone.

    Sorry if I unnerved anyone. Just needed help and thought this might be a place to get let out my trouble.

    Fake post? I think I now feel insulted. I can assure you, you don't walk in my shoes and have no idea what my life is like. Please in the future refrain from judging someone who is in pain and asking for help.
     
  11. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    And I do hope that my SINCERE beliefs helped you in some way. For that is what I shared with you and anyone in your position.

    I will respond to ANY post, as a true and real need. That is because I truly care about anyone who's path crosses this forum's way.

    and BTW - You did not un-"NERVE" me. (that term seems strikingly familiar) :)

    :rose
     
  12. romanticlove

    romanticlove New Member

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    Can someone please explain what is going on here? What do you think I would possibly want or get from this except sincere advice from people who are open enough to discuss sexual issues?

    I know my story may sound bizarre(sp), but believe me, living it is more bizarre than the story sounds. You see, I do love my husband, and I am trying very hard to make a solid decision that I won't regret. I have wondered if maybe I have sexual hangups and what he wants isn't totally unreasonable. I don't think so, but I do doubt myself. That's why I cam here Friday after doing a google search. I wanted input from people who might be objective about an issue that is something I find difficult to disclose to people I know, with the exception of the friend I talked with last week. I can't even disclose this to my counselor. She and I talk about the control issues, and I told her he wants a 3-some, but I can't bring myself to share with her that I have been involved in them for so long. I just feel too used and ashamed.

    Here I don't feel the factor of being ashamed because of my being anonymous.

    Again, I don't understand what you think I might gain from this. And I have never lurked here. Just found this sight on Friday and was thrilled to find it, so I joined right away.
     
  13. Ryan

    Ryan Gold Member

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    I have cleaned this thread and returned it back to the public forums.
     
  14. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    As in probably every thread involving deviant sexual behavior, the general consensus is: BOTH PARTIES MUST BE ALIGNED.

    That is the only way it is appropriate. If one party does not enjoy the laison, it is not a sensual, sexy, loving act.

    Whether it be 'porn', 3-somes, anal, facials, bdsm,... whatever....the couple MUST be in agreement. If not, there is a serious relationship problem.

    You need to plan for a possible 'separation'. I am talking in a financial way. If you are serious about breaking this pattern of behavior, it may take a "tough love" approach.
    If he knows your inhibitions, and is not willing to compromise, you need to be setting up some sort of support system (bank account).
    I understand that in your husband's 'high profile' job, that it will be hard, but if plan "A" doesn't work, and he is not willing to work at this as a 'husband and wife team' - you need to take the hard road.
    There ARE places for you to go. I live in the same state as you. You need to decide if you want to get completely out... or if you want to convince him to seek "open counseling".
    Does he know that there are counseling centers that do not 'judge/degrade' his sexual fetish? And professional agencies that don't disclose his identity?