I know I did wrong...........

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by archer_007, Dec 19, 2003.

  1. archer_007

    archer_007 New Member

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    Me and my current girlfriend have been dating for a little over a year (even though at the moment we are living far apart). About 5 months ago, I cheated on her. I'll always felt really bad about it. I know she'll never find out, so I dont want to tell her, because i'm afraid of losing her. I love her more then anything in the world. Im just confused and dont know what to do. Any advice?
     
  2. iamjustme

    iamjustme Member

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    If you really love more than anything in the world, why you cheated her?
     
  3. archer_007

    archer_007 New Member

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    I was afraid. I know that sounds stupid, but I was afraid I was wasting my time and that she was doing the same. Of course, I should have know that she wasn't. She is a kind-hearted person who would never what to hurt me.
     
  4. tsukassa

    tsukassa New Member

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    well if you two truly love eachother you can tell her the truth and she will forgive. i know it will be hard and plus you two were apart? you felt like you two might be moving apart and you thought she might be doing something similar and you were taken by suprised by another woman and had sex just explain it to her and in time she will forgive you. hopee this helps ,tsukassa
     
  5. archer_007

    archer_007 New Member

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    Well, me and the other woman never had sex. Just did alot of flirting and kissing and such.
     
  6. farspark

    farspark New Member

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    Here is an alternative perspective: What you did was wrong. You know that. Telling her will only hurt her. She doesn't deserve that. So... If you truely love her and truely believe she would never otherwise find out... then the solution is: Don't tell her. And your punishment is: living with the guilt. And of course: Learn from this, and never ever do it again.

    As I said this is an alternative perspective, and I'm not sure what I would do in the same situation. I suspect that the "tell her" opinion is sometimes there just aleviate ones guilt. How would your girlfriend benefit from knowing?
     
  7. iamjustme

    iamjustme Member

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    I agree farspark 100%. You can take advantage of this learning experience. Dont' hurt her and don't hurt yourself anymore. Live in PEACE and happy, both of you deserve that. :)
     
  8. archer_007

    archer_007 New Member

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    Yeah. I guess thats right. The only people who know are a few of my friends, and I know they arent saying anything. So I think ill just let it wash away. Thanks for the help!
     
  9. KoenigNazgul

    KoenigNazgul New Member

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    Personally I think a well-rounded love relationship is founded on trust and honesty. I would only be honest with her, wouldn't you appreciate it in turn? You feel guilt and that show you have morals, you acted on desire, now act on trust. I think it is shitty advice to lie to the one person you love most. Let her know how bad you feel, that you battled with the decision for months, but that in the end you just couldn't keep a lie held inside you. This would show you to be an honest, repentant person.

    just my two bits.
     
  10. farspark

    farspark New Member

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    I'm pleased KoenigNazgul said this, because it is the other side of the argument. (My original post in this thread was of the 'consider keeping it to yourself' variety.) My point is that you need to spend a bit of time deeply considering your motive for telling. And that relieving guilt isn't necessarily a good reason in itself. (I showed my previous post to my partner, and she agree with what I had written by the way).

    Regarding "lying to the one person you love most". I do believe that in some situations lying can be an appropriate and even respectful thing to do. Here are some examples:
    "Your ass doesn't look big at all..."
    "It doesn't bother me that your tummy's a little plumper after have our baby... In fact, I love your new curves."
    "You were the sexiest women/man in that room."

    If you lie so well that you end up convincing yourself - even better!
     
  11. KoenigNazgul

    KoenigNazgul New Member

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    Very, very nice farspark. You speak with experience and intelligence. We may disagree on what constitutes the right thing to do for the original poster, but I think we both share wisdom and wit. I do agree with you about the white lies over attractiveness and weight. I once rated my girlfriend and gave her what she viewed as an unacceptable score, I learned from that, I flipped the situation and thought " How would I like to be told I'm average?" the answer is I wouldn't. Most of us have relationships because we want to be loved. Loving the other person is very fun and extremely rewarding but we need to be loved in return. I think I'm rambling... but I just wanted to say that telling your loved one that they are the most attractive person in existence through your eyes, that you love their body the exact way it is, etc. are wonderful, loving things to say to your partner.

    P.S. Never, never rate your Significant Other on the 1-10 scale, it just doesn't work. Tell them you love them, show them you mean it.
     
  12. farspark

    farspark New Member

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    [Farspark raises his glass to long-term, loving relationships!!]
     
  13. archer_007

    archer_007 New Member

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    Well, this isnt an issue anymore, since I found out yesterday that she has been cheating on me with multiple other guys thoughout the year we were together (I have figured out at least 4). I am planning to end things today when I talk to her. I ended up never telling her what I did. I am actully sort of glad I didnt, because we stated together long enough for me to figure this out, and I'll be able to put my best foot forward for the future.
     
  14. KoenigNazgul

    KoenigNazgul New Member

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    ouch dude. well even though I advocated before to tell her, it looks like not telling her played out to your favor, if that's what you wanted. That truly sucks that she cheated on you so much, you seemed to value her a lot. Good luck moving on and eventually finding a more healthy relationship.

    Keep in mind that you must love yourself before you can truly love others.
     
  15. archer_007

    archer_007 New Member

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    I think i'm handling the whole situation pretty well. Instead of being mopey, i'm looking toward whats to come and what my options are.
     
  16. Da_Vamp

    Da_Vamp New Member

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    Yes but what happens if one of your friends gets pissed off and spills the beans??? Don't you think the truth should come from you and no one else?
    Think about it...IF she cheated, and you found out through other sources could YOU forgive her?
    She is totally blind to what you've done...and even though it will hurt her, you need to TRUST in your lost enough to tell her the truth. Either she will forgive you or she won't.
    I've always said, I could forgive my husband if he cheated ONCE!!!!! I won't forgive a second time.
    Give her the option to know that you trust in your love enough to overcome it!

    Vampie
     
  17. archer_007

    archer_007 New Member

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    If she would have come clean, I would have given her a second chance. Why I did even try is because she denyed it, and still denys it.
     
  18. Logger

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    Fidelity

    So what are you doing now?

    I am reading Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend, cloudtownsend. com. It seem that what is important is the future. Are you able to communicate you ideas of what you would like to plan for the future? If you came close to making a mistake, you are probably a better partner for being able to look out for the signals of leading up to temptation again.

    When you sensed something was going wrong, what actgivity did you begin? I start picking my wife up after work, and taking her out to luch from her job. I try ot give her more phone calls and attention, when I feel things are slipping. I have heard of a "rooster act" which is where a man makes masculine noises. Sometimes I bring home targets from a pistol range with a rented 45. I get the targets of a man's head and torso, and shoot him full of holes. Costs $20.00. Power is an aphrodesiac. What power are you using for corralling and impressing?

    If you know about it, what are you concerned she admits it? It is better for your ego if she keeps her mouth shut. Blabbing it around is not good, and creates other problems. Have you asked her to give you an increased feeling of trust?
     
  19. joey_

    joey_ New Member

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    hey man i feel the same way as you. altho i did not cheat on my gf. me and this other girl kissed. we were both at fault i kno i was wrong. im not denying or covering up anything i kno i was str8 up wrong i shouldnt have let it happened but it did and i am one half responsible for it and i felt like crap after it happened so i told my gf str8 away. it shouldnt have happened. and i kno i was wrong. and i kno i made a mistake and i love her to pieces. and i regret every minute of it that happened =( and it wont happen again. ive been with her almost 9months and it recently happened but i had to tell her becoz i had to get it out and i couldnt lie to her. i kno i did something wrong and i deserve what was coming to me. till this day i am still with my gf becoz she 4gave me and we are slowly working it out. so i say just tell her becoz i kno its eating you up inside bro. so i think tell her becoz how would you feel if she did that to you and she didnt tell you. thats what i thot of my gf 2 shes so nice and sweet and kind hearted but i broke her trust and i kno this b4 i told her so i had to tell her so she knowz the truth. so just tell her and see what happens. and try to work it out and stuff.