I have this problem...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by ccjcool, Jul 28, 2008.

  1. ccjcool

    ccjcool New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2007
    Messages:
    406
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California, AGAIN.
    And its honestly not one that one usually expects to hear about on this forum. I'm not even sure what response I am looking for here. More like, i just need to write it down for my own sake.

    You see, theres this girl. (As there often is in most stories, lol). I've known her for +/- 6 years now, and we've always been friends, though in the past year or so we've become much closer friends (i.e. moving up from "friend" to "good friend"). And I've realized that now I want it to become more than just that, and to actually have a romantic relationship with her. And I must make myself clear, i mean an actual relationship, not fuck-buddies. Of course, thats the problem.

    Its not the first time i've "fallen" for a close friend. And the last time I did, it ended with me having a broken heart, because of course she didn't want anything more. It took quite some time to even go back to being close friends after I had finally mustered up the courage to speak what i felt.

    So now I'm deathly afraid that if I tell this girl how i feel, it's going to just end up the same. Her saying its not going to happen, me feeling like crap, and a friendship pushed to the brink because I decided to admit that "friend" wasn't enough. Now most of you are probably saying right now "well, you'll never know if you don't say something". And you're right.

    To make matters worse, though, is the mixed signals. Recently she broke up with a guy who had been treating her like crap, and went forth into the "I hate all guys" phase that I've seen almost all of my female friends go through from time to time. In the midsts of all this she says things like "you're up on a pedestal compared to all other men" and things to the extent of "why cant they be more like you". And in the next few days, she has a 1 night stand with her boss and sends me messages saying "I'm not giving you the idea that we're more than friends, right?" The fact of the matter is that she wasn't giving me those ideas, but I wouldn't mind in the least if she were. Then the other day she tells me how she was with this other guy and she was drunk, was telling him about me and referred to me as her "boy toy". (mind you we have never been romantically or sexually involved). Key word she was drunk. but she still said that. Why would she even tell me that if she wasnt trying to tell me something? How am I supposed to interpret this stuff?!

    The biggest thought that ran through my head at one point was "if i'm up on this pedestal, why am I not the one you want?" But i'm stuck playing it off as friends because i'm too chicken-shit to say anything. The other part is that I don't want to be the proverbial "rebound guy". Which is another reason why I havn't said anything. Except now I'm worried that she's going to end up with one of these other guys without me ever having said something about how I feel.

    Then theres my own confidence issues. I will be the first to admit that I'm far from a 10, and she's always finding these "hot" guys. I don't compare in that department. Outside of the looks issue, I've also havn't managed to find a steady relationship in over 7 years. Sure i've had a few that lasted a few weeks or even a few months, and a couple of hook-ups here and there, but nothing serious. But my inability to get a steady relationship going also has me wondering what I'm doing wrong. Is it the fact that I'm simply not the "bad boy"? That I make it too easy for women to check me off in that "just friends" column? I just don't know what to do at this point.
     
  2. ducktales

    ducktales New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2007
    Messages:
    28
    Likes Received:
    0
    The only thing I think I can say is, you won't really know until you tell her, but I'd try to lay out ALL your cards on the table, basically everything you typed here, she needs to hear.
     
  3. xd45_service

    xd45_service New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2008
    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    This is a tricky situation, and the honest truth is that you probably won't get what you want. BUT, you can't stay in the position you're in. It sucks for you, and the subconscious effects of this relationship the way it is will hurt your chances with other girls. The only thing worse than not getting this girl, is not getting this girl AND missing out on another great girl because of the effects of the first one.

    So... you really need to figure out your best plan of action here. You need to think about it like a chess game (don't feel bad about strategizing, girls do it even more) and chose which of the many ways of approaching this you feel will give you the best shot.

    In my experience, girls are most attracted to what they can't have. My move here would be to cut her off. I would tell her that you really like her, you really want to be more than friends, but you know she doesn't want that. I'd say that you really like being her friend, but you need to separate yourself from her because you feel like until she's not on your mind anymore, you won't be truly open towards other girls, and you don't want to pass up another girl that you have potential with. So, you feel it's best if you two don't communicate at all anymore. If you don't believe all this, don't approach it this way. I'm not telling you to lie to her. But if you do agree, this is probably your best chance.

    I approached a similar situation in that way. It sucked. I lost my best friend. I missed her, but I felt a LOT better.... like I was free from something that had been weighing very heavily on my mind. I noticed I was much more willing to go out and meet people. I never realized how closed I was to other girls during the time I was lamenting over her until it was over.

    Two weeks after telling her we needed to go our separate ways, she tried to get ahold of me. I ignored her. Another month later she tried much more aggressively. Told me she REALLY wanted to hang out. So.. I humored her. Pretty much immediately she was trying to hold my hand and be real nice. Ended up dating her for a year or so.

    So,... I got lucky. It worked for the girl I was after. It wasn't what I wanted to do. It didn't seem like the natural thing.... I wanted to woo her. I wanted to send her flowers and tell her how much I loved her and needed her and beg her to be with me.... but for most girls, that's your quickest way out the door. Girls aren't attracted to desperation.

    So... the moral of the story is: do what's best for YOU. She's going to do what's best for her whether you like it or not. You'd be better off not having any communication with her, at all, than to sit for years thinking about it the whole time you're friends.... that's VERY draining.
     
  4. Dreama

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2006
    Messages:
    3,890
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Female
    Why not play it by ear? Hint around that you like her, and if you get a good reaction go further. If not, pull back. No friends lost by that method. Or wait to see where the friendship might lead. It might form into a romantic affair given more time.
     
  5. bucky

    bucky New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2008
    Messages:
    991
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Chicago suburb
    Unfortunately being a close friend you are on a pedestal because you are not in a relationship with her. She looks to you as a friend and probably hasn't even thought about being in a sexual relationship with you.
    When I first started asking my wife out, it was because I thought she was "safe". We were friends for ten years and in bands together during my first marriage. I was a two time loser in marriage and thought she was "safe" because we both said we would never get married again. We went out dancing and just having fun for a few months and then things started getting a little more serious. We began to kiss and make out, but didn't have sex until we had been seeing each other for 3 months, and after a year we got married. 18 years now and I have never been happier.
    My point is, like Dreama said, take it slow and don't pressure her. Get a feel for how she reacts when you hug her and talk to her. Things could work out for you, without a doubt, just slowly let her know how you feel.
     
  6. ccjcool

    ccjcool New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2007
    Messages:
    406
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California, AGAIN.
    Thank you for your thoughts! Ironically, i've heard pretty much what all 4 of you thus far have said already from other sources. (friends all have differing opinions too!) What i've been trying to do is what Dreama suggested, but like xd45 said, its draining. I've been giving subtle hints here and there and have gotten those positive reactions, but then later on I usually get a random "out of nowhere" negative one without me having done anything. Its almost as if shes going "mayyyyyyyybe...." and then later "no...i cant do that."

    As for what ducktales said about pretty much telling her everything i explained here, las night when i was writing it, i was half tempted to cut and paste it into an email to her instead of hitting the post button.

    And Bucky, thanks for the encouraging story. And you almost quoted word for word what another friend of mine said about the whole pedestal thing, lol.
     
  7. unalteredone

    unalteredone New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2008
    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    USA
    So i'll tell you the story of how i ended up with my current bf.

    We had been living int he same building in college for 2 years already, but never knew more than each other's first names. In fact, I thought he was really weird, he was always working out and eating giant salads, and loud, and just generally odd. But we started eating in the same dinning room junior year, and when i had no one else to sit with, i sat with him because i knew that he was alone too and i knew his name. This continued for a while and we quickly became friends. Like, talking for hours friends. I had just gone through a lot of stuff, including my first real/painful break up, so he heard a lot about that and my rebound hookups too. I wasn't really attracted to him physically at all. But then one day, he was taking off his sweatshirt and his shirt underneath lifted up, and i saw what all of that time at the gym was doing for him. Needless to say, i liked what i saw. While i still wasnt interested in dating him, i definitely expressed my approval of his body, and began playfully touching him more often and things like that (cause i'm a flirt, it's what i do.) One night, we ended up kissing, and i didnt like it. He seemed nervous and there was just no chemistry at all, and so i tried to backtrack and put a halt to the kissing. Meanwhile, when i'd get drunk i'd want to see him or touch him, once i even came to his room to give him a massage. It seemed really obvious that i wanted him, but i wasnt aware at all. I was pretty sure that he liked me at this point, and i was like "OH NO! Must get out, but dont want to give him up" so i kind of tried to draw some boundaries, but it didnt really work because i just kept coming back IE i was giving really mixed signals. One night, i came over to his room after dinner and the conversation turned to sex (as it so often does with me). We were talking about things we'd like to try, what we liked to do/have done to us... and he was saying all the right things. He was a giver in bed, loved eating a girl out, and wasn't uptight about anything. Even though a part of me wasn't sure what i wanted, and knew that us getting physical could either be really good or REALLY bad, and i wasnt at all in the market for a new boyfriend, i pounced on him, and it was AMAZING. I think that we were supposed to be fuck buddies, but one night he kissed me on the forehead and i knew there was no way he wasnt emotionally involved. But the more i thought about it, i was like " good sex, good friend...what more could i want?" And so i agreed that we could start out slow and date for a little while before anything got serious. We've been together for +6months now, and i'm totally in love. I wish i'd made my mind up sooner!

    So, i guess the moral of the story is, if you are not at all a sexual object in her eyes, it's gonna be a problem. You need her to think of you in a sexual way. And her mixed signals may very well be an indicator of her mixed feelings. My advice is to test the sexual waters and bring up sexy, flirty topics that are centered around yourselves and not past lovers. Maybe even throw a little alcohol in the mix. Maybe all she needs is one moment of forgetting about the consequences or logistics. But you have to consider also that taking things a little farther can also mean more chances of gettign hurt if she changes her mind. So the real question is, how much do you like this girl and how much are you invested in your friendship with her? In any case, checking out the other billions of women out there is probably a good idea too.
     
  8. igor

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2006
    Messages:
    4,110
    Likes Received:
    163
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Chicago area
    I'd go with what Ducktales said. Life is too short to fuck around with "maybes". Tell he how you feel and what you want. Either she goes for it or not. If not, move on. Maybe it's just my mood tonight but I'd say take a chance - if it doesn't turn out the way you hope - maybe it wasn't meant to be.
     
  9. ccjcool

    ccjcool New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2007
    Messages:
    406
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California, AGAIN.
    So I finally just mustered up the courage enough to send her a letter explaining how I feel. I am not expecting positive results, though I certainly hope for them! (Hope for the best, plan for the worst?) But like many of you said, all I can do is tell her, get a response and (most likely) move on.

    To be honest, right now, the thing that worries me the most isn't being rejected (sadly im used to that). Like i mentioned in my first post, I'm just scared of ruining the friendship with her that I do have. But its out there, now, and all I can do is wait and pray.
     
  10. Joe

    Joe
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,681
    Likes Received:
    7
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Rocky Mountains
    Good luck. I think you made the right decision, however it turns out.
     
  11. AnonymousOne

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2006
    Messages:
    5,845
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Good! All you can do is lay it out on the line. Of course ... I'm infamous for my blunt honesty at times ... so my advice might only be worth a grain of sand.
     
  12. ducktales

    ducktales New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2007
    Messages:
    28
    Likes Received:
    0
    It might be a little awkward to be as close of friends as you were right away(at least if she doesn't feel the same way), but if your friendship is very strong, once you move on past her and she sees that you have moved on things will probably go back to normal between you two although it may happen very slowly.
     
  13. AnonymousOne

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2006
    Messages:
    5,845
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    There are risks to walking out your front door. If you never gamble, you can never win.
     
  14. ccjcool

    ccjcool New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2007
    Messages:
    406
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California, AGAIN.
    Thanks for the encouragement guys. Although I've been anxious all day, and am eagerly awaiting a response, I definely feel better just having that off my chest now. I'll keep ya'll updated on what happens! If nothing else, I've learned that I need to be less worried about saying how I feel, because like everyone's said...you don't know if you don't do something.
     
  15. AnonymousOne

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2006
    Messages:
    5,845
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    BINGO! And trust me man, those "I should have said something" regrets are some of the worst.
     
  16. sexyJ

    sexyJ New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2008
    Messages:
    417
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Ny
    I say go for it..It sounds to me like she might be hinting towards you as well....Good luck!
     
  17. ccjcool

    ccjcool New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2007
    Messages:
    406
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California, AGAIN.
    Well, a quick update.

    The good news is...I havn't been told no. The bad news is...I havn't been told yes.

    The really good news is that I know she's read the letter, and our friendship has thus far continued as normal, minus a couple days after i sent it where we didn't say jack shit to each other. I'm so relieved right now about that part, that I *almost* could care less about what I really wanted. So at this point, I'm inclined to say no news is good news.
     
  18. AnonymousOne

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2006
    Messages:
    5,845
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    A face to face conversation might do you both some good regarding the issue, don't push things, just gently probe as to what her thoughts are.
     
  19. ccjcool

    ccjcool New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2007
    Messages:
    406
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California, AGAIN.
    One step at a time. Though in a convo i was having with her a few minutes ago, i casually mentioned that i was writing an erotic story (which should be done in an hour or two and available to read in the lit area, i might add.), she quickly jumped at the opportunity to read it. I proceeded to tell her that it was loosely based on a running joke between her and I and she was even more anxious to read it. I may be getting ahead of myself, but I would tend to think that is a good sign.
     
  20. AnonymousOne

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2006
    Messages:
    5,845
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    *ZING*

    *pours over his bubbling kettle* Yes ... the portents are good and the stars are aligned!