I don't know what to do anymore...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by AGFUNK, Jul 31, 2012.

  1. AGFUNK

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    A couple of months ago my husband stopped going to school and didn't tell me about it. He also did not tell me about the loan he got for school. When I finally found out about it it was through his email and me asking about it. He admitted that the last time he went was a month ago. (He has online classes). He didn't really give me a reason for stopping except that it was boring and middle school stuff. We had a talk and he agreed to do everything he had to do to continue his schooling for the next semester. I thought problem solved.

    Fast forward to now. I starting regonising the signs of him not going early this time. (He hasn't gone for a week.) And I told him that he needs to go so that he can get his degree and do all of the computer programming he wants. He needs the degree to do so. I also found out today that the loan is for 6 grand. That's a lot to pay back. I'm fine with paying it back after his schooling but ONLY if he finishes. Now come to find out that he owes the school over 700. Again he has never mentioned anything about this and he knew about this at the beginning of last week.

    I have tried helping him with school, talking about it, leaving him be, and none of it has worked. I have encouraged him to go to school. That I'm proud of him for going back to school. I have done all of the housework to make sure that he's not too tired to do his schoolwork. He's even started playing his online game again since he was going back. I'm at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do anymore. It's like he's hiding something from me.

    Also before anyone even mentions that I'm snooping in his emails that should be private, etc, etc. We both since the beginning of our relationship have been completely open with emails, facebook, etc so it's not an issue at all with us.
     
  2. Mittimer

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    I'm not sure what to suggest. You seem like a very level headed individual who's done everything that she can. Talking to him is about all you can do without pushing it a bit further.

    I know he's your husband, and I know you've supported him 100% through this, but sometimes there's not much we can do. He is his own person.

    I know it's rash, but have you thought about walking out? I don't mean a divorce, I don't mean a break up, but just..walking out for a few days. Giving him time to think about what he really wants to do. Giving him space. Stay at a friends, stay at a hotel, stay with your parents, whatever is best. But talk to him face to face and explain to him that he needs to make a decision about this. That it isn't just his life anymore, that it's both of your lives. That him taking out a loan behind your back, owing the school money behind your back and hiding that he's dropped out behind your back is completely unacceptable and is putting a weight on your marriage that he shouldn't be. You say it's "like" he's hiding something from you, but frankly, he is hiding something from you. He should have came clean to begin with about all of this.

    Explain to him that you're going to give him some space to think about what he's doing to the marriage, to his future, to your future and then give him that space for a whole 24 to 48 hours.

    I don't suggest this because you should leave him but because I've done it in my relationship. There's only been one major fight between my husband and myself since we were actually married, and that one time I spent 24 hours with my mother as a result. I left him at home explaining that he needed to make a decision and gave myself the space that I needed to be level headed enough to talk to him about it without it becoming an all out fight. Taking that time and space gave both of us the opportunity to fix what needed to be fixed and talk about it as two level headed adults.
     
  3. Meee

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    What I'm hearing are the effects of depression. You've mentioned depression before. It needs to be worked on with the assistance of a professional. Worrying about his classes and so on is just picking at the symptoms. It's time to work on the root of the problem, then some of these other issues may fall into place.
     
  4. pbs

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    IMhO, education is your ticket to the middle class. I don't know your specific situation, but get him back into school and make him finish, whatever it takes.
     
  5. surreal_thoughts

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    I'm sorry to hear your situation FUNK. I can relate since I did my entire Bachelors program online through a major physically existing and operational school. I found online learning to help me because I have a hard time sitting in big classrooms and my ADD kicks in really bad.

    There have been periods where I had to take breaks because I was BURNT OUT from taking 8 weeks worth of a class, then another 8 weeks, 8 weeks after that...and that cycle continued for sometime while juggling work full time and my side business. I had to take a few 8 week courses off to just recharge my mind and motivation. Maybe your husband feels the same way and feels burned out and is maybe afraid to admit it to you? Maybe he thinks you might think less of him for not sticking it out or trucking along with his classes.

    Being an online student is not easy. It took me just over 5 years to complete my BS. There is no summer break, winter break, and spring break, and you need to have a lot of self motivation, desire, and energy to go through the courses and keep moving on.

    If he needs a break, maybe he should take a semester off and catch up on hobbies, clear his mind, recharge his batteries, and get back to it.

    I hope that helps a little bit sharing my experience and struggles with being an online student. Hope you find the root of the issue and he can figure a game plan out. Financial aid/ student loans are no fun or joke...I'm sitting on over 50K worth :( But hey...it's cheaper than almost 80 to 90K if I physically attended a college.
     
  6. surreal_thoughts

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    I don't think it's depression. I deal with it...if you have depression...you don't want to do anything...even fun things. FUNK mentioned he's been playing games and doing other activities. If he was depressed he wouldn't find much joy or fulfillment from doing such activities. Before I got put on medication...I struggled to get out of bed to just go to work and do school work and on weekends I would just hibernate and shut myself down from a lot of people...but this was when I was 20-21 before I met my S/O.
     
  7. Dragon_Fire

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    There is a form of depression where you do function normally on the outside while a part of you is dead on the inside. I've suffered this form off and on for most of my life. Many depressed people can be the life of the party one day and dead from suicide the next.
     
  8. surreal_thoughts

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    Are you referring to bipolar disorder? One can function for days to weeks at a time then hit rock bottom days or weeks later and stay in an up or down state from days to weeks to months.
     
  9. Dragon_Fire

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    Nope. I'm referring to Atypical Depression which is often not picked up on because the symptoms are not the same as many think of when they think of depression. In fact, many of the symptoms are the complete opposite as in over eating instead of starving oneself, losing oneself in petty activities (such as computer games or other compulsive behaviours) instead of laying around like a sloth and exaggerated sense of humour instead of obvious sadness. It is also known as "Masked Depression".

    I was told by my own Doctor that I didn't "look" depressed. Soon after that I was diagnosed with Moderately Severe Depression. I headed straight for the Chinese takeaway that day.
     
    #9 Dragon_Fire, Jul 31, 2012
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2012
  10. boobjob

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    As always I think meee has hit the nail on the head. Sounds like depression to me. I suffer from the same kind of avoidance disorder.
     
  11. AGFUNK

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    Thank you for the responses. I'd like to tell you all about what happened after I mentioned to him that I knew about his schooling and the loans.

    He says he doesn't know why he stopped and that he didn't know that he had a balance on his account. He logged into his finances for school and it shows a balance of close to 750 and that he has two loans, one subsidized and one unsubsidized. I told him that he needs to finish school and that I'm fine with paying back the loans after he finishes. He still wants to get his degree but he says the classes are boring and stuff that he already knows.

    Mitt, I have thought about walking out but I can't. My parents live in Illinois and I'm in texas. I have no friends to stay with and I don't have the money to stay at a hotel. I wouldn't feel safe staying somewhere out here by myself anyway. I told him that I don't like him hiding this stuff from me and that I wish he would talk to me.

    Meee, he has been diagnosed with major depression and is on medication for it. He doesn't want to go to a counselor, nor do we have the money for him to go to one. He has improved a lot since being on meds though. I know that's part of the problem but I don't see why he can't find a way to manage it. I'm bipolar without medication and I function just fine.

    Surreal, he has breaks. He had winter break and summer break is coming up in september so that shouldn't be an issue. I've told him that I'm proud of him for going to school and I keep encouraging him.
     
  12. Meee

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    You both need to go to counseling together for his depression. If you have a financial need, public services are available.
     
  13. surreal_thoughts

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    That's good he has breaks if he is dealing with depression. One tends to burnout very quickly as an online student especially dealing with psychological illness. I know I had many major bouts with depression from the constant burnout due to lack of breaks and opportunities to recharge my batteries so to speak.
     
  14. AGFUNK

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    Actually we don't qualify for foodstamps let alone anything else. There also isn't any decent place for mental health out here. Believe me I've looked. We're also saving money to get out of this state as it depresses us both so the best thing for us, and we have both talked about this, is just to save our money and get out of here as fast as possible.
     
  15. AGFUNK

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    Update.

    Things are still the same. He still won't do his school work and only plays his online game and whatever else he does online. Plus sleep and work. So I gave up and told him that he needs to make a decision to either continue going to school and actually finish and get his degree or quit so we can start paying back the 9,500 loans he has.

    It really upsets me deeply that he won't do his school work or talk about it with me. He's just completely ignoring it thinking that it's just going to go poof and vanish into thin air. I know I'm the one that's going to have to deal with the bills, although we will both be paying for it. I just don't know anymore. I have way too much on my mind and no way of dealing with it except exercise and reading.