I cheat on my wife - and I want to stop.

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Retro101, Jun 28, 2011.

  1. Retro101

    Retro101 New Member

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    I have a problem with cheating on my wife - I got caught in 2001, again in 2007, and recently got caught having an emotional affair with one of her best friends. My consoler says I'm a philanderer and I'm self destructive. He says I have a bad image of women because I had a negative relationship with my mother as a child - I'm ok with you women simply assuming I'm just a selfish asshole - because that's how I feel. The problem is this, I get caught, go to counseling, swear that I'll change, which I do for about 3 years, and then I fall back into my old habits. I was finacially successful at an early age and I'm considered attrative (as is my wife) and I'm clearly insecure, because I just can't give up having that feeling that women are attracted to me.

    We also have 3 beautiful boys and we're both very active in their lives...and we will both continue to be regardless of a breakup - we will never fight over the kids. We actually get along great and love each other and everything would be great if I could just stop cheating.

    After the latest incident, I told my wife that we should do a trial separation. She's having a really hard time with it. She thinks I'm just going to go out and meet a version of her 10 years younger (she might be right). But she is the only women I have ever loved and I hate what I have done to her. My wife is very attractive and won't have trouble meeting men. Part of me hopes that she meets a nice guy that treats her well.

    Question: any other guys out there experiencing a similar situation and what was your outcome?

    Women:aside from telling me I'm scum - do you have any advice as to how I should handle this?

    Thanks in advance,
     
  2. CosmicEye

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    Just from the first sentence I can tell you I dont like you. If you weren't ready, you shouldn't have married. Rule #2, dont get caught... 3 times.

    Why is she still with you again?
     
  3. nurseharley

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    sweet home...
    let me ask you, how do you 'fall back into' this?
     
  4. Meee

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    Go to marriage counseling now.
     
  5. Retro101

    Retro101 New Member

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    I consciously put myself in situations where I'm going to meet women, networking events, a night out with the boys, work travel, etc...
     
  6. Kermit

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    The best way to stop cheating on yoru wife is to not have sex with other women. If you cannot do that, divorce her and have all the crazy dirty sex you want.
     
  7. nurseharley

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    sweet home...
    there you go. stop doing that. stop consciously making a decision that you know will end up in cheating again.
     
  8. Kermit

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    Okay lets back up for a second, all the joking aside, maybe the OP has a sexual addiction he is not aware of or an overload of Testosterone. I am by no means condoning his behavior but if it's simplely chemical or a disorder, it's treatable and that treatment might be more effective than my earlier advice which under those circumstances are easier than done. Plus props to him for wanting to deal with his behavior unlike others who live on without giving a shit.
     
  9. Mira

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    Its not that tough. Just start being a real man and treat your wife the way she.deserves to be treated. Having sex is a very conscious, easy to identify, DECISION. You simply just say no and go home to the wife that should have left your as 10 years ago and tell yourself that you are lucky to still have her in your life as well as your kids.
     
  10. cbrmale

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    I have experienced a very similar situation to you: I had a number of affairs, my wife guessed, she changed and I fell into old ways and then we negotiated an open marriage. There are a few aspects to this, and it's more complex than the replies of condemnation I have just read. For more information, read the Monogamy Myth, which is all about how unfatihfullness can impact even the best marriages. It also gives a few tips for healing and for future prevention. It's easily downloadable, I think. It also suggests not doing counselling, from what I remember. Counsellors and even psychologists don't understand the complexities, and therefore can give inappropriate advice.

    One thing I found fascinating was your comment about your mother. I had big problems with my domineering and self-obsessed mother, and maybe that's an ingredient on how things turned out for me. I found it impossible to form worthwhile relationships when I was younger so I just had sexual ones, and this pattern has stayed with me even though I now have a great marriage.

    On the other hand there's a few things you're probably aware of that others here are not. Yes it's possible to love two women at the same time with no negative feelings or consequences for either one. Our hearts are big enough for two. A new lover is exciting: and the first time is always a high in it's own right, especially when it goes well. Having a mistress or a lover can and often does, improve the sex you have with your wife. That's how my wife guessed, because the sex was so good and so frequent Something else that those who haven't done this wouldn't be aware of. Another one, and you will read this in the book, that affairs do not equal divorce unless the marriage is already failing. This is why we can have affairs, be caught, and yet continue. Indeed, unfaithfullness is so common that divorce for cheating wouldn't be possible! It's not amazing to me at all that your wife was content to continue the marriage, and again this is contrary to some comments already posted.

    What has worked for me is the open marriage, with the boundary that my wife is number one for me no matter who else I see. That might work. One for Kermit: I do have extremely high levels of testosterone, so maybe that's a part of it. Obviously a sex-drive part, but also the other aspects of typical masculinity.

    I suggest you read the book and then work out a strategy for yourself. I'm afraid that very few of us can help you with absolute advice.
     
  11. Untamed

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    That's some decent advice there cbrmale. While it may or may not work for some of us.. you are a living testament that it does.
     
  12. backcheck64

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    If you're that weak and pathetic, you don't put yourself in those situations.

    TOTALLY agree. She must have a low opinion of herself because she should have been out of there the first time and taken you to the cleaners.

    You don't want to stop, you want someone to tell you it's OK. If you're so involved with your kids, where do you have time to have these affairs? I have two and have no problem between school events and hockey and lacrosse practice, litterally. Practice takes up 3 to 4 nights a week and games take care of the weekends, then add in school activities and school orchestra concerts...WHERE IS THE TIME. And most of that schedule started when they were 5yrs old, now 12 and 14 and getting worse.

    Face it, the whole family thing is more than you can handle and you're just wanting out, but you don't have the balls to leave and want her to do it. You're setting a wonderful example for you kids, kid's who'll see that is how you treat women and follow your footsteps.

    It's all an ego boost for you, you can't really care about your family because if you did, you wouldn't do anything to jepardize it. You think you'll be as involved if you separate, but you're wrong. First will be the awkwardness of attending your kids events together, you'll be busy finding another woman to cheat on, your wife will be looking for another guy, you'll have every other holliday, you'll end up having kids with another woman and what time you are spending will be split even further and in most cases the three you have will fade further into the background.....then you've created 3 more disfuctional kids.

    Or you could convince yourself of the CBRmales monogamy myth stuff and keep on fucking up your kids. At least keep your dick under control till the kids are grown, then do the decent thing and leave your wife and go catch a few diseases, find a much younger woman to marry...who'll divorce your ass and take everthing after a couple of years of marriage.

    And it's not just the women that think you're scum.
     
  13. Hot Wheels

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    Guys....the OP has posted with his problems and given an honest assessment of his situation.....there's no need to get personal or start passing judgement about it.
    Play nice people....:eyes
     
  14. Barbwire

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    Could not have said it better, myself, Kermie.

    It is clear to me that the OP is in a lot of pain and is searching for an answer. He didn't come here to be chewed on, he has already done that to himself. He is presenting his belly to us, no need to kick him.

    Personally, I don't think people were meant to mate for life but, hey, what do I know?

     
  15. Kermit

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    While i agree the last thing he needs i a pat on the back saying "it's okay, keep doing what you're doing" and provide him with justification, something is obviously wrong and needs help otherwise he'd continue what he's doing without second thought
     
  16. pbs

    pbs
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    You're absolutely right. Women are hard wired to nest and nurture, and men are hard wired to spread their seed around. Monogamy is a cultural thing and is learned.
     
  17. Trond

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    Not sure that's what Barbwire meant, but I'll let her speak for herself ;)

    To the OP: This sounds like some sort of addiction to me, particularly since you see your problem, but are unable to deal with it. You tell us that your wife is a wonderful person, and the impression is that she did not cause this in any way. In this case, she clearly does not deserve this kind of uncertainty in her life. In other words, I don't think she should be the one to "pay the price" by letting you run around with other women. Why? Because she is not the problem, you are. You have to deal with it, or ruin your whole family.

    I think some kind of therapy may be the way to go here. Think about this: if you continue doing the stuff you have been doing you WILL get caught again, and you WILL ruin your family life. Sleeping with someone takes a little planning. It's not like pulling out another cigarette. Use the time to remind yourself what's about to happen and then back out.
     
  18. Barbwire

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    It sounds like you havesought help in an appropriate manner.

    So, you know why you are the way you are, were you given any advice from him on how to deal with you situation?

    Did he tell you specifically you are a sex addict?

    I'd ask him where you can go for support and see if there are groups in your area that deal with sex addiction.
     
  19. backcheck64

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    While it could be one of those, the testosterone can be checked in a simple blood test and adjusted medically, and if it's sex addiction, he should have been put in a program to deal with that...and that's pretty well an ongoing fight, similar to alcoholism, and takes far more than simple counseling and may also need meds. This should have been identified after the first cheating. And while he did seek some help, as soon as he started to regress, he should have sought more help before it happened.

    Ok, for some, monogamy isn't an option, so DON'T get married and bring children into it. And while it's "nature" to spread your seed, you take care of the family till the kids are on their own, THEN move on to the next.

    Simply don't make vows if you can't keep them, and don't make vows with someone that expects you to keep them. By cheating, you're endangering the welfare of your wife. Is it fare you give her a STD? It's not just HIS life, it's the effect on his wife and family.

    IF he wants to stop, you take yourself out of any situation where you're tempted to cheat. Do alcoholics in recovery hang in bars? Do those recovering from drugs hang at the local crack house? Determine the cause, be it testosterone (any doctor can check that) or sexual addiction, many in and out patient programs, or whatever...and follow the programs to a T, and have the will power to resist any temptation. Instead of going out with the guys, have them come over and have a bbq and watch a game or something. If I go out with the guys, it's to the ice rink and we play hockey or play golf. You have to determine what's more important, your wife and kids, or some skank and a quick boost. That's how you stop.

    I'm an adrenaline junkie, thats what I'm addicted too. Surfing motorcycles, grinding footpegs on corners at 100+mph, repeling headfirst down a cliff, cliff diving, racing motorcross...but I have two kids that need me, so while they do, I don't do those things, that simple. When I'm on the bike now, sure I get a sick feeling in my stomach when I see an open twisty road, but my kids are always on my mind so I don't rip the twistys. Set your priorities and keep them in front of you.
     
  20. Kermit

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    Hope he appreciates your input Backcheck :) and yes the first step to treatment is to WANT it, and to not dip your toes in the water but dive into treatment. And i agree he definitely needs to get out of these situations, preferably choosing instead time with his wife and kids. While he may have a disorder/addiction, it's never negates personal responsibility,
     
    #20 Kermit, Jun 28, 2011
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2011