I can't have sex with my husband...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by smiles, Jun 19, 2011.

  1. smiles

    smiles New Member

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    I'll try to make this as short as possible, but it's a really long story.

    We've been married 12 years, together 17, have a 14 year old. For the first almost 15 years together he was selfish and did all the things he wanted to do and I just kind of went with it. Example: when I was pregnant he was telling everyone that as soon as she was born he was taking a week vacation. Aww, how sweet. Yeah, he went hunting the whole effin week! :mad He would always have time for softball and hunting and put a TON of effort into both of them, and have no energy left for me. I would approach him for sex, but he wasn't interested. I was his first, at 21.

    We've never had a particularly exciting sex life from day one. Note to anyone who hasn't gotten married: don't marry someone you're not sexually compatible with. Sure, we've had some great times, but all in all, it's kind of blase'. He's never reacted to any moves I try, ever. I guess that's just part of the denial I feel.

    I've always had a MFM fantasy and he knew that before we even got together. About five years into our relationship I let him have a FMF which went on for a year, maybe six times. It was his way of "getting used to the idea b/c he was brought up mennonite." Whatever. We did have a MFM a few times in that time frame, but it was never as far as I wanted it to go, although he got the FMF all the way (well, she and I didnt' do much together).

    I would throw myself at him and he wouldn't react, or he'd push me away. I went down on him while he was watching TV once and he didn't even get it up. Hurt much? Yeah, devastated me. His excuse? "I was in the middle of my program." I used to curl up in the fetal position and cry my eyes out for hours b/c he denied me sex. And it always seemed like the more I wanted it, the quicker he was to deny me. THEN he would have the nerve to tell me that I just need to come get it from him. HOW? If you're just going to roll away or not even react, what's the point?

    Sure, we did have sex, but not near as much as we could have. He probably denied me about 80% of the time I came to him, maybe more.

    Two years ago I had enough. After 15 years of being denied, I was done. I couldn't take it anymore and was not going to live my life being second best to softball and hunting. I gave up, took my rings off, told him I was done. I could literally feel my sexuality leaving my body. When I gave up he knew I was serious b/c I didn't cry about it. He kissed my ass for months to win back my affection. I actually was repulsed by him sexually after that for a few months. It made my physically nauseous to think of sex with him, let alone do it. I guess it still does sometimes.

    My shut-down changed us both. He's been nicer than ever to me. I am his number one now, not his hobbies. He is a great husband. Now he wants sex all the time and I couldn't care less about it. I still can't function in bed. Sometimes he touches me and I'm repulsed. Or I just lay there motionless. I don't touch him. I used to love it when he touched himself, now it makes me sick. I don't think about sex with him. I barely think about sex at all. I'm not overweight. I don't have medical issues that would affect me. I'm in nursing school, but that's out for the summer, and we were both hoping that with my semester being over, I'd regain my interest. Nope. I don't even work right now, so that's not taking my time either.

    I just feel so empty. So broken.

    Last night we stayed in a hotel and he got in bed, stroked himself and told me he wanted to come. I clammed up immediately. He went down on me, came up and stuck it in. Did his business, cleaned me up, crawled back in bed, back to me, told me "sweet dreams" and went sleep. I laid there and cried. Then this morning when he woke up he went straight for my pussy and rubbed it. Wet it, stuck it in, did his thing, noticed that I may have been crying, asked me if I was ok, then pumped harder to finish. From the time he started touching me to well after he was done, I never moved. Never changed position. Me crying makes you come? Talk about not helping the situation at all.

    Sometimes just to get sex from me he's just got to do what he's got to do. It's do it like that, or do nothing at all. The problem with all this is that my body physically wants it... my head is what won't let me do anything and repulses me. Yeah, I wanted it this morning, as per my pussy. But my head says, "aww HELL NO!" And then I shrivel up.

    I know I'm broken. I know I have an issue. The problem is that I have no idea how to fix it. I thought about sex a little yesterday (we were at a softball tourney, so I was surrounded by testosterone), but when it came time to do it, no way.

    Shit, last year I talked him into letting me hook up with another guy, alone, just to see if it was hubby, or all men; to see if I could get excited even. That was a waste of a golden ticket b/c that guy was the worst sex I EVER had. I did manage to kind of get my MFM out of him, but when you're doing it with someone who sucks, that doesn't count. Anywho... perhaps it was the fact that that guy sucked so bad, but I wasn't particularly charged to get with him either.

    I keep thinking maybe it's this, maybe if he lost weight, maybe that, maybe maybe maybe, but I know it's in my head. That's a start I guess. I know where it is. I just have no freaking clue what to do about it.

    Ok, done. Sorry it was long. It's chock full of pain.
     
  2. Cardude87

    Cardude87 New Member

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    it sounds like you need to try sex w other guys for a short time
     
  3. Alwayslearningsex

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    That's a painful story.
    You have options here as you already know but it's essential you solve your relationship issues one way or another. You tried open talk? Counselling? It may or may not bring anything back. Also seeing someone just you alone to figure out some issues, a starting poit .... expect to go through painful moments to get to where you need though.

    As for sex, I know not all men suck. I met women who enjoyed me before, not that I stand a chance to get trophies, but enjoyabe overall. There are kind and generous men out there, for some reason they seem to be the ones left out because they are too nice, not gibven a chance. They rather be themselves instead of putting on a show to win favors.
    Then the idiots get lucky and spoil things. I have seen that, been the generous honest guy ignored so my take on it.
    Take time to heal inside, feel the want to have sex, don't force the desire or outcome, and go for it when you feel it's time. Who you go with is up to you but preferably that your relationship is resolved first, or be careful how you do. Give a nice guy a chance, one who wants to do right.
     
  4. Texas_Red

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    I disagree.

    It sounds to me like you both need marriage counseling, and possibly sex therapy. He treated you very poorly and you suffered. You finally made him come around to an extent, but it's too late as the damage is done. If you love each other and want it to work, you both have some stuff to work on to rekindle that aspect of things. Sounds like he needs to learn how to be a gentleman and be more concerned with you than himself. Despite the so called coming around he had, it appears he still thinks of himself first at the worst times.
     
  5. Alwayslearningsex

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    High five TR
     
  6. nyxx

    nyxx New Member

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    i'd say counselling. there is hope, and maybe with fingers crossed things can work out.
     
  7. pbs

    pbs
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    I agree about counseling, but just you alone, for guidance on how you want to live the rest of your life.

    Loved your comment on "afterplay" :)
     
  8. Kermit

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    okay this calls for a 'super hug' *SUPER HUGS!* if it wasn't nearly midnight i'd craft a better answer but that's a heart breaking story :( thank you for the paragraph breaks too, but i hope it helped being able to pour your heart out, sometimes doing just that begins the healing
     
  9. buffett324

    buffett324 New Member

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    Maybe a trial separation? I don't know that the memory of the pain he caused you for so long will ever fully go away...and that's what is blocking you mentally. I am married and I do believe in the concept of marriage and "making it work". But I also believe no one should be miserable that long. I bet there are a ton of men out there who would treat you (and your daughter) as number one priorities all the time. And once you start fresh dating someone new...I bet your desire will return.
     
  10. smiles

    smiles New Member

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    Thank you all so much for taking the time to read that and for your responses.

    324, you are so right. I don't do it on purpose, but sometimes (not all times) when stuff starts, the thoughts of - where was this ten years ago, he's never reacted when I've done this before, why is he like this now - all come flooding into my head.

    Counseling is something I need, for sure, I know that. I only have two more months before I'm back in school and I won't have time for anything, let alone counseling. Once I'm out of school in a year (hopefully) and get a job, I plan on counseling, but for now I just need to hang on. That's why I'm here. And I don't expect you all to fix it for me, but like Kermit said, I'm just pouring my heart out in hopes of getting some of the tension out of my head.

    It's so strange being in this position. I always wanted sex more than most women. And he never wanted it. I could have gone out and gotten it. I didn't, and I feel like I totally wasted my 20's. Hopefully my 40's will be another opportunity to relive, be it with him or without him. I do love him and I can't see my life without him, but the sex part... I don't even think about it with him, I barely think about it with anybody.

    Ok, someone who's been married a long time, or in a long term relationship tell me about your sex life... is it still hot? Do you still have times when it's just as hot as the first year together? How do you not get bored with each other? How does the same body and the same moves keep you interested?

    Thanks guys. =)
     
  11. Barbwire

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    What a confusing tale, first, you want sex and he doesn't now, you don't and he does. I mean, he gave up his hobbies for you and now you can't stand to have him around, I don't get it. Maybe it's as simple a solution as you letting go of the past and not thinking about what a shit he used to be and being grateful that he's so into you right now.
     
  12. pbs

    pbs
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    Smiles, your story is heart wrenching, and I truly feel for you, so I'll tell you our story with the hope it will give you strength.

    Sex has always been a big part of my life, and when I met my wife, she had been roughly handled and cheated on, but didn't get bitter because she blamed herself. This experience gave her insight into how to please a man though, and when we met, she was cautious. When she found that I respected her, and knew that I was a kind a gentle person, she opened up to me and started pleasing me in ways I'd only dreamed of. Within 2 years we married, and during this time and after, all my dreams and fantasies were becoming reality. We agreed not to have children so we could focus on each other. The only problem that existed was damage to her self esteem, which was inflicted during childhood, and she would not allow herself to surrender to her own pleasure. In bed she was a dream come true for me, but while giving her orgasms, I could feel her resisting as she felt shame and guilt, and so she didn't have them very often and didn't really enjoy them. I am patient and persistent, however, and kept trying to find different ways to give back some of the heavenly feelings I was getting whenever I wanted them. Finally, when her demons began to interfere with other areas of her life, she got professional help and began to accept and love herself. This was about 25 years into the marriage. With her self loathing almost gone, the flood gates opened, and she began to enjoy sex in ways that only I had known up to this point. I used to try to find ways to coax her to have an orgasm - now I find myself looking for ways to slow her down. Her pussy is on fire whenever I get anywhere near it, and she is now taking charge of some aspects of her own pleasure. This second honeymoon has lasted about 10 years, and we're still discovering new ways to keep things fresh and different. Both before and after her awakening, I had always been a student of female pleasure, and now I'm finally able to give back to her the carnal bliss that she had given me for all those years. She is my friend, my lover, the object of my desires, and the center of my world. We've been together now for over 37 years, and I still get wet thinking about how I'll make her cum a little longer or a little harder during our next encounter. We dedicate one day a week for playing - intimate conversation, some wine, enjoying our natural surroundings, then love making for the rest of the day. She still won't talk about her desires though, not all the demons are gone. Maybe someday when she's completely free, she'll find yet another level of pleasure to enjoy.

    My knowing this joy in love makes your story that much more compelling. I've had low points in my life, before I met my wife, so I can appreciate at least some of your pain. I think some of us let these bad experiences destroy us, and some gain strength from them. I believe that opportunity for happiness is available to all of us, and it's the choices we make that determine if and when we find it. I hope you do.
     
  13. MILF_Rider

    MILF_Rider Member

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    With all due respect, have you ever thought that maybe now you're in the position he was in before?

    Was he maybe smothered by your excessive sex drive and now maybe you are smothered by his?

    Sex therapy can help you two get back in sync, it will probably start by stopping all sexual activity and then gradually reintroducing and rediscovering eachother.
     
  14. smiles

    smiles New Member

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    H_o_r... yeah, I know we've totally switched roles. I wouldn't go so far as to say that we are/were smothering each other though. Neither one of us had that big of a sex drive, I was just abnormally high for a female, I guess... maybe not.

    Barbwire... I'm sorry if I misrepresented... he didn't give up his hobbies, he finally put me in front of them... in other words, if I tell him that X needs done at the house that night instead of softball, he begrudgingly will stay at home rather than play ball or go hunting. I wish it was as easy as just shrugging my shoulders and not thinking about it. I never understood people like me either, until I lived the heartache and it psychologically changed me. But I stuck it out for 15 years before I caved. That's a long time to put up with the selfishness and sexual denial. And when I told him I was done, I meant it. I didn't think I'd be in the position I'm in now. I figured I'd give him his out, throw in the towel, let him have his freedom to do whatever he wanted without this bitchy nag at his hip. But he didn't want to be alone, he wanted me more than the hobbies. Ya know, for 15 years he couldn't tell me he loved me more than he loved hunting. And since then he's only said it a handful of times that he does. That hurts. So by telling him I was done, I figured he'd embrace it. And he didn't, and I didn't foresee this, and now I'm with him, but I already gave up.

    pbs... thank you so much.
     
  15. misspsiphi

    misspsiphi New Member

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    This was a VERY painful story.
    I am currently working on my masters in psychology. I will not psycho analyze you, however I will tell you that you really should talk to someone. Shutting down is a very common side effect of emotional trama. Just for your sake talk to someone before you are driven deeper into your hole.

    Good luck and keep your head up
    PM me if you need anymore help.
     
  16. katykitan

    katykitan New Member

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    It sounds to me like you guys need to take a break from sex in your relationship. Having sex that not only makes you uncomfortable, but makes you disgusted, isn't doing either of you any good. Once you deal with the the other issues in your relationship - and if you then get to a happy place, the sex will come. In the meantime, focus on your emotional wounds. It sounds like you've got a very painful, complicated situation on your hands. Sending positive vibes your way.
     
  17. Alwayslearningsex

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    Hi smiles. Someone said something to me two days ago. a woman saying she still loves her husband, she loves being in bed with him, waking up with him, sleeping in the same bed. The word sex has not come up yet and I didn't ask about it, just the fact she loves sharing the bed with him.
    Not to stir any pain, not to influence you, but to make you consider where you may be in this relationship .... or where you are not, a hard one to facew, I went through this myself, didn't like her touching me anymore - not even an erection or desire for one - and you need to see ifyou can salvage the relationship. Thenif like me the hard part is to walk away if this is the answer, decisively. Make sure this is it before you walk away.
    You can always get back together at some point.
    I agree also a trial separation can make a difference, no way to tell how until you try. Good luck with this. Hugs to you.
     
  18. MILF_Rider

    MILF_Rider Member

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    I'm not sure you got my point.. I don't blame you as I may have been able to do a better job making my point.

    My intention was to challenge you to think about this openly and consider that maybe there is a different perspective. I don't know anything about your relationship. I only know anything about my own relationship. In fact, while counseling remains as the advice that is better than seeking advice from other people who are not practiced in the trade but who also don't know anything about your relationship, the simple fact is that even if you see a professional, they don't know anything about your relationship either.

    If you seek counseling, generally speaking the approach will involve guidance that will assist you in finding your own answers.

    Perhaps in a more broad way, I would suggest that you consider what YOUR role has been in the behavior of your husband.

    At the start you loved this man enough to marry him and have a kid with him.

    I think it is understandable that you have built up resentment from years of rejection, but you seem to be focussed on your husband as the wrong-doer. If you want to get past this, maybe something to think about is the fact that because you remained sexually available to your husband no matter how much he put his priorities before yours - He never needed to put his hobbies before you.

    Once again, I re-iterate that I don't know your relationship, but if you want to get your sex drive back - it will be a matter of searching within yourself. It sounds like you have a mountain of resentment and you blame your husband. One idea for working through that is realizing that the fault does not lie by any means only with your husband.

    I think you've said you've tried telling him you're frustrated, and to that I'll say this: Remember that 1) actions speak louder than words and 2) men are big dumb animals.

    And also again, I'll re-iterate that I'm not a professional. We've had some sex therapy, and this is the kind of stuff that we had discussed. A pro will likely be better at this than I am.

    I'm also going to re-iterate that the first step is figuring out the outcome you (both of you) desire, and I'm advising based on the presumption that you're stating you can't have sex with your husband because you want to be able to.
     
  19. Brokethemold

    Brokethemold New Member

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    Have to agree somewhat with Husband of a Redhead.

    My ex was so pushy with sex, it often felt like I was just serviceing her and not having sex out of my own motivation.

    I often wished she would just wait until I wanted it and would let me instigate it.

    Don't get me wrong, I prefer when women instigate sex, but when it gets to extreme, it gets messed up.

    I agree that professional help should be ur first step, but in the meantime, I'd try asking him to hold back for a time and wait until you feel like it and feel like instigating it. May help, may not, just something to try.
     
  20. smiles

    smiles New Member

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    When I was a teenager my b/f and I took a break from sex just for the hell of it, and it was super stimulating. Maybe we should lay down that rule, then if it happens, it might be more stimulating, but I should probably be the only one to initiate it.

    H_o_r... I have taken myself aside in the past week, especially after this thread was started, and told myself that nothing is going to change unless I change it. Hence, here I am. I also don't know how to do it. How do I let the feelings of resentment go? How do I let go of 15 years of painful rejection? And those aren't necessarily questions that I'm asking of you, but more of just a thought process in my head. Is the issue still too new and not being worked on enough to get past yet? I don't mean to use my school as an excuse, but honestly during the semester, I literally have time for nothing, and I think that's why this has surfaced now... because I have the time.

    "If you want to get past this, maybe something to think about is the fact that because you remained sexually available to your husband no matter how much he put his priorities before yours - He never needed to put his hobbies before you." Ah ha... good point... I've never thought about it like that before! I will have to give this some good sit down time in my thought process.

    "It sounds like you have a mountain of resentment and you blame your husband." Dead on.

    "men are big dumb animals." I'm beginning to realize this (not that I haven't before), but we talked the other night and he sincerely expressed that he never denied me intentionally. That's really hard for me to grasp, but I really need to put myself in his shoes and see it his way. He was engulfed in softball, hunting, TV, whatever, at the time, and he was clueless as to how the denial affected me, even though I would cry for hours. How one is clueless to this just doesn't make sense to me, but then again, he doesn't use crying as a coping mechanism like I do, so therefore he doesn't understand quite how badly it affected me. (??? I dunno ???) And yes, he's a big dumb animal.

    Yes, I am dedicated to working through this and figuring it all out, otherwise it wouldn't bother me that we aren't doing it.

    I think another thing I need to address is how I, as many women, sacrifice a lot in order to make others happy... not so much people on the outside, but definitely my family. I sit at umpteen softball games per week. I do enjoy the one team, but the other two teams (of his), meh, I could take it or leave it. I really just go so that I'm with him, but I'm not really with him b/c he's playing and not paying any attention to me anyway. That's the kind of stuff I need to address. Last night I should have stayed home and done housework and some reading for my class, but I went to the game and filed my nails. I also went to bed with him last night b/c I know he wanted me to, although I wanted to stay up and do things that I didn't do when I went to the game. I really need to embrace myself more and things that I want to do, and NOT feel bad about it in the end!

    We're both confident that things will eventually go back to the way they were, and we both want that. Well, maybe not where they were, but that we can get out of this funk. I do love him. We do have a great life together. I enjoy being with him (not sexually). We have some good hobbies together that we enjoy. I don't want to be with anyone else. He does know how to treat me when I'm moody, and that's truly priceless to me. It's just this damn sex hang up that we're stuck on. If we could get that down, our life would be perfect.

    Thank you all for your responses. I am reading them all and I really appreciate the insights you are giving me. =)