I'll try to make this as short as possible, but it's a really long story. We've been married 12 years, together 17, have a 14 year old. For the first almost 15 years together he was selfish and did all the things he wanted to do and I just kind of went with it. Example: when I was pregnant he was telling everyone that as soon as she was born he was taking a week vacation. Aww, how sweet. Yeah, he went hunting the whole effin week! :mad He would always have time for softball and hunting and put a TON of effort into both of them, and have no energy left for me. I would approach him for sex, but he wasn't interested. I was his first, at 21. We've never had a particularly exciting sex life from day one. Note to anyone who hasn't gotten married: don't marry someone you're not sexually compatible with. Sure, we've had some great times, but all in all, it's kind of blase'. He's never reacted to any moves I try, ever. I guess that's just part of the denial I feel. I've always had a MFM fantasy and he knew that before we even got together. About five years into our relationship I let him have a FMF which went on for a year, maybe six times. It was his way of "getting used to the idea b/c he was brought up mennonite." Whatever. We did have a MFM a few times in that time frame, but it was never as far as I wanted it to go, although he got the FMF all the way (well, she and I didnt' do much together). I would throw myself at him and he wouldn't react, or he'd push me away. I went down on him while he was watching TV once and he didn't even get it up. Hurt much? Yeah, devastated me. His excuse? "I was in the middle of my program." I used to curl up in the fetal position and cry my eyes out for hours b/c he denied me sex. And it always seemed like the more I wanted it, the quicker he was to deny me. THEN he would have the nerve to tell me that I just need to come get it from him. HOW? If you're just going to roll away or not even react, what's the point? Sure, we did have sex, but not near as much as we could have. He probably denied me about 80% of the time I came to him, maybe more. Two years ago I had enough. After 15 years of being denied, I was done. I couldn't take it anymore and was not going to live my life being second best to softball and hunting. I gave up, took my rings off, told him I was done. I could literally feel my sexuality leaving my body. When I gave up he knew I was serious b/c I didn't cry about it. He kissed my ass for months to win back my affection. I actually was repulsed by him sexually after that for a few months. It made my physically nauseous to think of sex with him, let alone do it. I guess it still does sometimes. My shut-down changed us both. He's been nicer than ever to me. I am his number one now, not his hobbies. He is a great husband. Now he wants sex all the time and I couldn't care less about it. I still can't function in bed. Sometimes he touches me and I'm repulsed. Or I just lay there motionless. I don't touch him. I used to love it when he touched himself, now it makes me sick. I don't think about sex with him. I barely think about sex at all. I'm not overweight. I don't have medical issues that would affect me. I'm in nursing school, but that's out for the summer, and we were both hoping that with my semester being over, I'd regain my interest. Nope. I don't even work right now, so that's not taking my time either. I just feel so empty. So broken. Last night we stayed in a hotel and he got in bed, stroked himself and told me he wanted to come. I clammed up immediately. He went down on me, came up and stuck it in. Did his business, cleaned me up, crawled back in bed, back to me, told me "sweet dreams" and went sleep. I laid there and cried. Then this morning when he woke up he went straight for my pussy and rubbed it. Wet it, stuck it in, did his thing, noticed that I may have been crying, asked me if I was ok, then pumped harder to finish. From the time he started touching me to well after he was done, I never moved. Never changed position. Me crying makes you come? Talk about not helping the situation at all. Sometimes just to get sex from me he's just got to do what he's got to do. It's do it like that, or do nothing at all. The problem with all this is that my body physically wants it... my head is what won't let me do anything and repulses me. Yeah, I wanted it this morning, as per my pussy. But my head says, "aww HELL NO!" And then I shrivel up. I know I'm broken. I know I have an issue. The problem is that I have no idea how to fix it. I thought about sex a little yesterday (we were at a softball tourney, so I was surrounded by testosterone), but when it came time to do it, no way. Shit, last year I talked him into letting me hook up with another guy, alone, just to see if it was hubby, or all men; to see if I could get excited even. That was a waste of a golden ticket b/c that guy was the worst sex I EVER had. I did manage to kind of get my MFM out of him, but when you're doing it with someone who sucks, that doesn't count. Anywho... perhaps it was the fact that that guy sucked so bad, but I wasn't particularly charged to get with him either. I keep thinking maybe it's this, maybe if he lost weight, maybe that, maybe maybe maybe, but I know it's in my head. That's a start I guess. I know where it is. I just have no freaking clue what to do about it. Ok, done. Sorry it was long. It's chock full of pain.