I cannot think of a witty or interesting title for this question.

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by shoestrung, Feb 10, 2007.

  1. shoestrung

    shoestrung New Member

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    I am a fairly sexually demanding partner. I enjoy indulging my fetishes (dress up, foot fetish, role play, but nothing demeaning, painful, etc) and I like kinky sex. I cannot say I feel entirely free and uninhibited about my sexuality, but I do ok. While I am demanding, I also give everything I can, considering my partners needs more than my own.

    My partner is not naturally so forthright and adventurous. I must give her credit for having tried some of my suggestions, and she often does things for my sake, something I am glad about, but I feel as though I am always taking the lead.

    She does nothing that surprises me. She is well aware of what turns me on, but she makes no attempts to seduce me. She very rarely instigates sex. I think she often feels embarassed or awkward about sex and her body, and says that she doesnt know what to do. She makes no requests of me, other than asking me to lick her nipples. She makes no new suggestions. Most of the time when we have sex, maybe 90 percent of the time, I am on top. I enter her and from then I have little choice but to do whatever makes me feel good. Little eye contact. Little use of hands. Very little movement. When she is on top, she moves somewhat mechanically, and I still somehow end up doing a lot of the work. She doesnt consider what kind of movement makes me feel good, or what makes her feel good. She doesnt seem to know what makes her feel good. She doesnt often rub her clit or do much to please herself.

    I feel like what we do is not quite 'fucking' because I cannot connect with her on a raw physical level. Its not quite 'love making' because I think that she has too much resistance inside herself to be in the moment. Its more than just boring old 'sex' though.

    When we first started having sex, quite soon after entering her she would be asking me to come because she just wanted it to be over. I told her that I felt strange about this because it didnt seem like she was enjoying sex, and she was only doing it for me, and I dont want things to be that way. She stopped saying it after that. She is Japanese. I wonder if she is just enduring for my sake (those of you who understand ‘gaman’ and ‘ganbaru’ might know what I mean).

    Im bored. Im frustrated from what feels like waiting for her to catch up. Im sick of initiating sex, of being the one who makes suggestions, of taking the lead. I want to be lead, feel excited, be pushed, but I feel like I am always pulling her along.

    I have considered getting a book on making love, seduction, etc. She seems open to the idea, but she wont do any of the work herself. I can only find books in English and she doesnt want to read them because she couldnt be bothered reading English, yet she wont look for a book in Japanese. I would try to find a book in Japanese, but I dont speak Japanese well enough to research a topic like sex in any detail. (Any Japanese/Japanese speakers here who might know of a good book, please suggest!)

    Outside sex, she is by far the kindest girl I have known. She is so generous and she really loves and adores me.

    I havent talked with her about this stuff in as much detail as I have here in this post. I feel afraid of how she might respond. If I did, I think she would make a very big effort to change herself, and that is not what I want. I dont want her to be what I want; I want her to be who she is.

    I havent had so many sexual partners, and this is the longest relationship I have had. My other long term partner also had certain personal issues around sex, so we only went so far together.

    I would like to experience a broad range of sexual experiences, but I wonder, is it just me trying to unrealistically live out fantasies? Or do I simply need to find the right partner who takes the same approach to sex that I do? So many people, so many different needs and wants; I dont expect to get a definitive answer from anyone here, but it might help me if I had a broader understanding of women and their ideas about sex. I hope to get a broad range of responses that might help me get closer to the core of what the answer for me is.

    Eighteen months… I feel that I have been pretty patient. What can I do? Experience in other life matters has shown me that I cant change other people. Is there something I can change in myself? Or should I just accept things at face value and resolve myself to the fact that her needs and mine differ?
     
  2. Elvis

    Elvis Member

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    If the question had been shorter I may have been able to offer an answer.

    Reduce it to precis form, my old eyes give up after a while.

    Other option would be to write a book, you're halfway there already. LOL
     
  3. shoestrung

    shoestrung New Member

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    Its difficult to outline my situation without being verbose. I guess it boils down to a few questions. Am I unreasonably selfish? How do different girls respond when their partners make various requests of them? Is it unreasonable to expect her to change or wait for her to catch up? Should I simply take things as they are at face value and either accept that this is the way she is, or end the relationship?
     
  4. Dreama

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    Talk to your girlfriend about it! She needs to know what is going on in your head. Plus, I think that she is just a little nervous around you, being self conscious and all. I think really, the best thing, is communication and time. Ask her questions about what feels good, etc. Get a few toys and see how she feels about that. Don't give up on a good relationship because of the sexual issues. You can always work through them.
     
  5. doberman

    doberman New Member

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    you seem to be QUITE demanding, as am i.. i am into some of the stuff you mentioned.. you cant force that up to someone that doesnt know about it, but usually they get quicker into it as one would like.. :D

    one thing at a time, if she likes it, she might come up with stuff on her own.. dont be to serious about it i'd say, usually that rather scares people..
     
  6. loveit247

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    I personally would battle to be with a person who I am not sexually compatible with. My SO and I were very different sexually when we started seeing each other, slowly we have learned about each other and he is the best sex I have ever had. He says the same about me.

    It was all about our willingness to learn about and from each other. If she is not willing to learn and try new things, I am afraid there is not much you can do. I love to fuck, I love to make love, I love to do all sorts of things to my partner and myself. All in all, you are either adventurous or you are not.
     
  7. Elvis

    Elvis Member

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    You have to make your own choice at the end of the day and decide whether or not you feel that you are both compatible.
    Weird thing is that coitus is for reproduction only and it's the fault of modern mankind that it's become more complicated and honed to an act in itself that now requires more thought.

    Best of luck.
     
  8. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Perhaps her personal desires concerning sex are not being met. Given her cultural upbringing, she may need more gentle passion or more romantic and emotional seduction before jumping into to hard-core 'fuck'.

    Try taking a step back from your strong urges, and create a mood which helps her to drop inherent guards, which she may not even know exist. Growing together as a couple takes sacrifice. What you 'give up' now, can come back to you 10-times over, if you're willing to take the time and effort necessary. I suppose this is one important aspect of what separates Love from Lust.

    I hope things work out for you two. :)
     
  9. SexyScorp

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    Well said Rose !!!

    x
     
  10. SexyScorp

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    Ive had a partner who wasnt as sexually extreme as I am....we hung on for a long time...but in the end it was too much and not enough for both of us....so we parted....:(

    It spilled over to our everyday lives, I became more demanding and as I did, he became more within himself...

    Sad, but a fact of life....we are not matched to many!
     
  11. fuego

    fuego New Member

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    I petty much stand where you are.
    19 month relationship, she really enjoy our sex, but she is very dettached of her sexuality, and she is happy with little or no variation at all.
    Slowly, i am trying to change that. I bought a book. we read it toghether. Little changes were triggered there, but she expressed some interest at least. Last saturday, i have her a series of coupons, with a diveristy of fantasies. Mainly mines, but also some i got from the book. She liked it a lot, and we first tried some bonding. she didint want to be tied down, but really looked for to doing it to me. Great sex.
    Hope this helps you in someway, any suggestions here would be great!
    best regards,
    Martín.
     
  12. shoestrung

    shoestrung New Member

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    Thanks for the replies everyone. I haven't had time to make a proper post, but I was following the replies regularly, and I got a lot out of it, both in the act of actually listing my problems, and from reading peoples replies.

    I ended up having a talk with her, airing all my concerns. She acknowledged that each of her boyfriends has said the same thing to her, and has always had problems with this stuff in relationships.

    Since then we have bought a book on sex, and she is reading a few things in it, and might try some things as she goes along. After we talked, she has definitely been more present during sex.

    I think part of the problem is that she is so sensitive about her body image. In Japan she used to get laser treatment for hair (not that she is very hairy at all, especially being Asian). Laser treatment is really cheap in Japan, but stupidly expensive here in Australia. She said she has been very self conscious about her hair, particularly on her legs. She is also concerned about the size of her breasts when compared with other foreign women.

    I continually tell her that I love her breasts (I actually love small breasts) and there are plenty of great things about her body, and its all utterly true and I think she is fantastic but of course I cant change her mind for her. I tell her that I don't care about her body hair because to tell you the truth, even though her hair is now perhaps less controlled than it has ever been, she is still way less hairy than all the foreign girls I have ever been physically close with. She said that often when we have sex she is thinking about her hair and this causes her to dry up sometimes. The only person who has a problem with her hair is herself. Its insanity to me but it seems to make perfect sense to her. These things are important for her.

    Anyway, I was totally honest and glad with the way I said my part. Had I said it some weeks ago it would have been rather confronting and aggressive, but the timing was good and I spoke without blame or resentment. Sex with her is a lot more fun at the moment; I noticed the difference straight away after we talked. She was so much more present.

    I don't want to sound like a new age hippy blurting out catch phrases popularised by the therapeutic racket, but I think being the the present moment is a very important thing, even though I have very limited ability and the discipline to be right here in the present myself. I would be fucked if I was overly concerned about my body hair in addition to all the other neuroses that come with being human that has a brain and an ego. My girlfriend is now a bit more talkative about the things she is self conscious about, and at the same time she is more present, as I said, so I guess something is moving in the right direction.

    The worst part was when we hadn't had sex for about a fortnight, and there was a marked lack of communication about what was going on. She said she suspected what was going on for me, but I wasn't sure why she was being particularly reserved. I felt that I couldn't talk about it because I was afraid of the intensity of my thoughts on the matter, and I was trying to decide on a compromise between doing things I enjoy, considering her needs, and considering what was too selfish of me.

    I am 29 and she is 25.

    I guess I will just cruise along, try and stay open and honest with her and see how things go.