I am worried!

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by loveit247, Jan 8, 2007.

  1. loveit247

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    I have been seeing my wonderful BF for 8 months. We had some problems in the beggining. We had both been hurt really badly and both have issues stemming from our past that are affecting us now.

    His main problem is he now does not want to commit at all. He was doing really well with it. He is faithful to me and I have no worry about him cheating at all. He is just not ready to even think about marrige or any sort of long term promises.

    My problem is I have become clingy and desperate. I am a very insecure person and tend to say and do silly things to make myself appear to be stronger than I am. I sometimes make jokes at his expense and say risque things in public. While I am doing this I know it is wrong but can't seem to stop myself.

    Well, we had a blow up yesterday. Things have been tense with him for a while. His sexual desire has dropped off (he has been renovating a house and working really hard) and I know it is in part due to his feelings changing.

    His mother called him and apparently expressed concern about our compatibility. He is not a mommies boy but he does respect his parents and their concerns hold water with him. I was angry because his family and I get on really well, or so I thought.

    Well, it all ended with me leaving his house and him saying he wants to take a break. I also feel that things have become to intense and I could not wait to get back home. I just wanted to go back to seeing him on the weekends, but he has now taken it to the point of where he wants time out and is not sure if he wants to be with me or anyone for that matter.

    He says he loves me and would be a fool to leave me, he says I would make a wonderful wife and mother and he wants me in his future. He just says he needs space and time right now. He wants to continue seeing me and stay exclusive with me but to cool off a bit.

    We have lived together for a month over the holidays and it just seemed like we were in each others pockets. I want the same thing, space and time for myself. I just can't shake the feeling that he wants me out of his life. I am worried and therefore find myself becoming clingy.

    What should I do? Should I carry on as if nothing has happened? Should I wait for him to call me? (which he has done twice since he asked me to leave yesterday). He says he needs to clear his head if there is to be any future between us, with money pressure, work pressure and me it is a lot for him to contend with.

    How should I go about handeling this. I have already told him to take the time he needs and I will be here to support him when he needs me. Is that right? Is that how I should go about this.

    I love this man and want to marry him. I am also aware that I am not mature enough to do that and need to mend myself from my past experiences that have broken me down and made me this insecure person I am now.

    As it stands now I am only seeing him next week Wednesday, that is the 17th of Jan. He has two friends from overseas staying at his place and wants to show them around for the weekend. Yes, one happens to be a girl he slept with once. Although he says that he is not interested in sleeping with her again. I beleive him and know he will not cheat. If he does I will find out and dump him.

    Any advice would be great!
     
  2. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    An eight-month relationship is really too short a time to be talking about marriage. I understand that you love him and want to share the rest of your life with him, but I really think you've done the right thing letting him take the time he needs. Sometimes it's necessary to separate just to see if you are truly meant to be together. If you are, then you'll get back together. There's an old saying about how if you love something you should let it be free. If it truly loves you back it will return to you. Being clingy can actually push your partner away because no one likes to be smothered.

    In the meantime, I know it's hard but try to have patience. Good luck!
     
  3. loveit247

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    Thanks Puss. I know that being clingy will chase him away. I know that this is not all his fault too. I am just so scared that his answer will be to break up and I was left on a knife edge waiting to hear it. All I know is that if I push him now he will definately break up with me but if I let him have his space it is 50/50.

    I know it is soon to be talking about marrige. I just know in my heart that this is the man I want to marry. I have told him that I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I am not ready for that yet. I am happy in my own flat and having my own life. I just want him to know how serious I am about us. He understands and has been great.

    I am thinking that this could go one of two ways, we could either break up or move onto our future together. All I know is that I am happy where I am for at least another year.

    I have booked myself some therapy and hope to be able to work through some of my issues regarding my self esteem. Hopefully that will make me less controlling and easier to be with.

    For now he has given me the commitment of saying that I am his girlfriend and he wants to be with me and only me. So at least it is not a see other people arrangement.
     
  4. pirouette

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    I got married after dating my man for one year. We have been together 14 years. I think we are the exception to the rule though. :eyes

    But open communication has been our policy from day one. We have always discussed relationship issues without problems. In the past, our heavy schedules gave us time apart. Sometimes I enjoyed the space, sometimes I didn't. But the lines of communication were always open and neither of us had to wonder what the other was thinking.

    Good luck. ;)
     
  5. BiBiBaby

    BiBiBaby New Member

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    my parents were engaged after 6 months, married after 17... but thats irrelivant


    i have my insecurities too, but one thing i've learned is that when you are feeling clingy is when you need to be the most independant. make sure he knows how much you love him but love yourself too. (no i dont mean physically)

    If you are feeling clingy and needy. Take a moment and think "what makes ME happy" not what makes 'us' happy. there is always something. Whether its rollerskating, writing, or listening to awful bubblegum pop and dancing around in ur panties.

    Do something for YOU and only you. its important in a relationship to remember that no matter how perfect for eachother you may be and how great you are as a 'couple' you are still individuals and if you lose that often times you will lose what drew you together in the first place
     
  6. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    Lovit said

    He says he loves me and would be a fool to leave me, he says I would make a wonderful wife and mother and he wants me in his future. He just says he needs space and time right now. He wants to continue seeing me and stay exclusive with me but to cool off a bit.

    Then listen to what he said, What have you got to loose, As he said
    he wishes to keep seeing you, So do cool it a little
    He may see you as to clingy and possesive at the present time
    so do give him all the space he needs.
     
  7. SayAnything

    SayAnything New Member

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    I agree with bighiker! I have noticed that guys dont usually play games. They usually mean exactly what they say while women might say one thing but mean another.
     
  8. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    How true,
     
  9. Dreama

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    My fiance and I talked about getting married within the first week that we were together, and we're still together and engaged almost exactly two years later. We're hoping to get married very soon. I don't think there is anything wrong with talking about marriage soon, granted you sincerely get to know the person. I mean, my grandparents married after dating for two months. 50 something years later, they still are married.
     
  10. loveit247

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    I spoke to him this morning, he went out with them last night and he would not answer my call when I phoned him last night.

    This morning he said he was having drinks and did not want to get into anything with me at that time. That hurt me, I would never have not answered his call.

    He told me that she slept at his house last night in his bed because her room has no bed in it until today. He told me that nothing happened and that he misses me and loves me.

    It did not hurt as bad as I thought it would. I just told him that I was upset about it but can't do anything about it at all.

    I am going to leave him to do his thing for now and see what happens.
     
  11. GentleManSteve

    GentleManSteve New Member

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    I am so sorry to hear of your misfortune loveit24/7. Try to give him some room to think stuff through. Give him time to miss you and then maybe he will change his mind. I am not good with relationship problems. I know how hard it can hurt when somebody you love ignores you.

    This wise man once told me the worst words to use in an argument is no words. I really didn't know what he meant but here recently I had somebody I loved very much stop taliking to me and it hurt something awful. And it was then I finally knew what the wise man was telling me. No words was when somebody will not talk to you or just ignores you. I know how you are feeling loveit24/7. I got somebody I love very much and they are ignoting me also and I know how it can feel to have somebody you love ignore you. I hope you the best of luck loveit24/7. My prayers are with you sweetheart. I hope you find peace in your life soon. If you ever need somebody to talk to I will always be here for you. I know you do not know me that well but I will listen to your problems and keep an open mind and not judge you for doing anything that you have done.

    Good loveit24/7. I hope you get another chance to show him your love for him.

    Good luck my friend
     
  12. SexyScorp

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    Oh poor you :(

    I too used to be very needy and clingy in relationships...

    My karma? I am now married to a detached and aloof man. Well it has lasted 18 years, but oh my!!!!

    I only have two words in mind....let go.....

    Its very scary letting go cos we never know if they will come back?

    I know a very good ritual called cutting the ties...its excellent...it doesnt mean the person will leave yer life, but it helps with the over anxiety and balances out the feelings..

    Can post the link it you want to have a look?


    Since I have gotten older I have become very independant...I now keep my man on his toes...I dont feel I need his approval as much as I used to. I am strong and confident now...

    But it took forever to get there....:)
     
  13. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    It sounds as though you need to give him some space and let him work it out himself. If you push him or go back to him the cycle will continue. Best thing would be to wait for him to make the decision and be prepared to accept it.
     
  14. loveit247

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    Well, I have been very patient with him I think. He just confuses me so much. He is all over me during the week, calling me and smsing me. Then come weekend he is off with her. I don't hear a word from him and then Monday it's all calls again.

    I have basically decided to let him do what ever he wants. He can't expect me to sit home a cry about it though. I went out last night and ended up giving my number to a hot little barman in a club! Wow! Sexy bitch he is, I might go out with him and have some fun. I have options, this boy is taking me for granted and quite frankly, I think he is using me for sex.

    His loss IMO. I do love him, but if a man treats me like this then he doesn't deserve me!
     
  15. SexyScorp

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    Am so sorry to hear this girl....

    Will you do something for me...

    When he wants to hang out with you next week, or whenever he can fit you in to his schedule (what a fecking butthead)...

    Say...."oooh so sorry but I have a hot date with a sexy bitch of a barman...and he is soooo hot I would be a god damn fool of a woman to let him go"

    Please girl I know its hard...I have seen this happen so many times with women...

    Why should you play second fiddle to another woman...

    Good luck...sending hope and luck :)
     
  16. SexyScorp

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    p.s.

    If you do get with the sexy bitch barman or anyone else....

    bit of advice...

    play it a little cool....dont give too much too soon...

    own your power girl...dont let ANYONE take it...

    :)x:)
     
  17. loveit247

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    I am no where near interested in having a long term thing with anyone right now, especially not a man who works the bar in a gay club! LOL! He is worth a shag tho.

    The thing is, my therapist says if I really do love BF, I must let him to this and maintain my dignity, she says allot of men will balk just before they are ready to settle down. She says with his shakey history it is more than likely what he is doing.

    I have instituted a sex bann on him and yet he still comes to hang out with me. That doesn't mean I am going to turn down any dates. Why should he have all the fun??
     
  18. SexyScorp

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    Good for you!!

    Personally I would tell him to take a runnin jump and just go out and have some fun....you deserve it...

    If you got back with him...would you ever trust him not to go with another woman again...?
     
  19. NaughtyKnickers

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    Good for you, loveit. :tup
    You're a beautiful girl and you don't need to be miserably moping about because of his struggles, whatever they may be.

    Keep your chin up and take care of yourself, it sounds like you're doing just the right thing. ;)
     
  20. GentleManSteve

    GentleManSteve New Member

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    Good Luck loveit24/7 I wish you all the luck Baby. everybody deserves to be loved 100% . No Nobody deserves to be loved and not used for any purpose. Hope you find somebody that will love you for yourself and not use you just for sex.

    You deserve better loveit24/7