Hypersexual Hubbie vs Sexual apathy wife

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by naughtynvegas, Apr 29, 2008.

  1. naughtynvegas

    naughtynvegas New Member

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    I need to partially vent and partially seek advice. I am a very hypersexual hubbie. I don't think about sex all the time...perhaps 90 percent of the day. If not sex, something sexual or naughty. I have been married to my wife now 8 years and recently either I have become more sexual, or she is becoming less sexual. I can't really tell. More recently, certain avenues or fetishes have been introduced to me and it seems my want to experiment and being limited in my ability to do so is causing a strain in my sexual relationship with my wife. Now, I am not blaming anyone...I do know that my wife who suffers from PCOS has hormonal imbalances brought on by the disease that affects her libido. But something iside of me tells me, she just doesn't care and doesn't want to. Yes, I am 275 and 5'9" which makes me slightly over weight. I do know that physical appearence is a huge contributing factor in seduction...

    I have a long list of fetishes and things I would like to try...but it seems she is only interested in me, doggy style, once or twice a week. She won't let me pleasure her orally (which I love to do...and even if I get the chance, she refuses to move into any position other than on her back....) I am dying to be "queened." I know that getting a divorce for lack of sexual gratification is stupid...but this is getting to be a monthly argument that I am too horny and she can't keep up. I masturbate 3-5 times most every day and still lust for her any chance I get. I am incredibly frustrated and don't really know what to do anymore. I can't "Give up" and I can't cheat.

    Suggestions?
     
  2. Bluesy

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    Are you having sex less frequently than you used to? It's perfectly normal for a couple to go at it like rabbits in the beginning of a relationship and fall into a more comfortable pattern of 1-3 sexual encounters a week after a while. If you're having sex two times a week, consider yourself part of the norm. (Believe it or not, there are husbands and wives who would kill for sex twice a week :eek ;))

    If you really believe that your sex drive has increased, this is highly unusual for a guy and I would recommend talking to your doctor about it. Certain health conditions can cause an increase in testosterone production (a couple of serious ones, so it's always worth looking into, just to be on the safe side). A man's sex drive peaks at 18 and it's all downhill from there (or, rarely, remains in a steady state). There are other health issues, such as bipolar disorder, that can induce hypersexuality. Sometimes people develop an obsession with sex for other reasons hidden deep within the psyche, and so an inexplicable increase in sex drive, a compulsion to engage in certain activities, is something you may want to speak to a counselor about, and preferably one who specializes in treating sexual disorders.

    These, of course, are all just hypotheses that I'm throwing out, a starting base. 90% of the day sounds like an awful lot to me, I have to say; it sounds a little obsessive. Just out of curiosity, have you tried cutting back on those activities that trigger sexual thoughts (porn viewing, etc.)? Personally speaking, I have an obsessive compulsive personality and have to pretty much regulate and moderate practically everything I do to prevent obsessions/compulsions from forming. Some people are more prone to getting carried away with things, including sexual things, than others. You have to work with your personality...everything in moderation, and that can be a real struggle for some people. When it becomes a struggle, it's time to enlist some aid.

    And something inside prompted you to say this because you believe it's at least a contributing factor. Intuitive theories are rarely off-base. A woman's libido has to be revved up, she has to feel close to and comfortable with her partner, before she can get into that mindset where experimentation is appealing. If there's any relationship tension, that needs to be resolved. If the emotional intimacy in your relationship has suffered, that has to be renewed. Marriage counseling is certainly a consideration when a couple is having sexual problems since the state of a couple's sexual relationship often reflects the overall state of the relationship...but there are little things you can do to reignite the fire. Set aside quality non-sexual couple time every week, do little romantic things, do big romantic things, find ways to let her know how beautiful and special she is to you; if you aren't splitting the housework, grab a mop or a swiffer and get movin'.

    Something to keep in mind is that sensuality and romance are integral to getting a woman hot (usually)...you have to really make love to a woman if you want to inspire her. The best place to begin is to focus on making sex more enjoyable from a woman's standpoint...it could be that she needs to see a different side of you, a more tender, loving, gentle side, more kisses and touching, more warmth, more whispered sweet sentiments in the heat of the moment. The way to a woman's libido is through her heart. Relaxation is key, too...a decline in arousal is a woman's biological response to stress (typically). Anything you can do to help her decompress is going to go a long, long way towards heating up your sex life.

    Good luck and keep us updated, 'kay?
     
  3. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    There's nothing pertaining to sex that i could add to Bluesy's response.

    I am, however, a bit concerned about a minor detail in the OPs post. A minor detail that could make the difference in many aspects of your life - not only sex. Being 5'9" and weighing in at 275 lbs is not 'slightly overweight'. Using just a general BMI chart, it is at least 10 points over the "obese" mark.

    My response is probably not one that you wish to address, and i hope you won't be offended (as I notice you're a new member). You are running the risk of serious, life-threatening issues. Naughty, if you could just channel some of these frustrations into improving your overall health, I feel certain both of you would profit.
     
  4. Bluesy

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    Good catch there! Rose knows what she's talking about :tup This would most likely impact your sex life in very negative ways. Getting control of relationship issues should always begin with the self...and I can't think of a better motivation for better sex, no?
     
  5. primitive man

    primitive man New Member

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    NIV i kind of know what you mean. for YEARS after i and my wife got married her sex drive could not keep up with mine. she may be interested once a week, once every two weeks, etc.. because i wasn't getting laid as much as i wanted to, i thought about it a lot. and we did argue a lot about sex. she wasn't interested in anything other than the same ol same ol for a long time. no matter what i did.
    her sex drive hit a peak when she wanted to get pregnant with both of our kids. this lasted until the 6th month of pregnancy on each kid. and then i had to go without for a year since she breast fed and was not interested then either. she said it was ok if i got laid elsewhere as long as i was careful. but that didn't work out. all the ladies interested in me were either i wasn't interested in them for one reason or another, or they had issues i wasn't interested in getting myself involved in.
    i don'tknow if i was stubborn or patient, or what. but we stuck together. this went on for almost 14 1/2 years. then last month her sex drive hit hyperdrive. she's 36. a year ago she stopped taking the "pill". we do not know if the pill was reducing her sex drive or she is beginning to go into her biological clock ticking down which tells women hormonally to get pregnant, fuck fuck fuck as much as you can.
    she suddenly started wanting to watch porn, read sexual stories, experiment. even into things she never thought she would like. it is great.
    mental problems, physical problems, etc.. can and will reduce sex drive.
    i can onyl say, either be patient, or have her agree that it is ok for you to fuck someone else.
    and i wonder, does your physical appearance hinder her in anyway? have you talked without argueing about sex. be very honest. and try not to hurt each others feelings.
    good luck.
     
  6. naughtynvegas

    naughtynvegas New Member

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    Bluesy - Thank you so much for this incitefull information. I am going to take it to heart. She and I had a long talk this afternoon and WE are going to be making some changes. Yes, my Health is one of them. I work some "craptacular" hours at work, but I will be making more of an effort to get in at least an hours worth of exercise everyday. Anyhow, I wanted to say thanks! Wonderful advice. Take care! I will post a follow up in about a month to let you know how things are.
     
  7. Bluesy

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    Wow, hey, that happened very quickly! The two of you must have had a really good heart-to-heart. If the responses here helped to inspire it, I'm so very glad we could be of assistance!

    Please do come back and fill us in on everything. My best to you, hon :)
     
  8. cbrmale

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    This is something I posted somewhere else; it's from my social psychology studies of decades ago:

    "Hands up all the middle-aged women on this forum who couldn't get enough sex at the beginning of their marriage, but then went through a period of indifference towards sex. Or middle-aged men who have wives who have been through the same thing. And why might this be? Inherited self-preservation. Women traditionally withdrew from sex for periods of time after each childbirth in order to limit the number of pregnancies they had to endure. And so, today, women still have a loss of sexual appetite that goes back to more primitive (but not stone-age) times. Oddly, it's been noticed that women who are married to men whom the woman perceives to be superior (better educated and / or in a good career) typically retain a high libido throughout their marriage. It's thought that these women subconciously trade sex because they have a man they perceive as being a good catch.

    Under the hood, we humans have much more basic needs, wants and desires than many of us realise. At times, these needs and desires collide (the masculine sex drive and the feminine fluctuating sex drive), and we often spend much time and anguish wondering about what is happening and what is going wrong.

    An even odder concept is that primitive people didn't relate sex to childbirth, and often the ability for women to become pregnant and give birth was seen as something magical. This makes women withdrawing from sex for periods of time even odder, as if the body knew something that the primitive brain couldn't understand."

    As far as your weight goes, it would be interesting to know what it is in kilos. I will echo what others have posted, except that I am diabetic because of an illness I once had, and I can only tell you that YOU DO NOT WANT TO GO THROUGH WHAT I GO THROUGH IF YOU COULD POSSIBLY AVOID IT. And obesity causes many more things that diabetes, although diabetes is very, very common amongst the overweight.
     
  9. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    275 LBs = 125 kilos
    5'9" = 175 cm
     
  10. cook74

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    Shit!! :eek

    I'm 7" taller and 85-90pounds lighter and I still have a sexually dysfunctional relationship, so it doesn't have to be the weight.

    Unless I'm too skinny :nerv

    :p
     
  11. loveit247

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    Good catch Rose. You know, pertaining to this and one other thread on here. Why is it that men can be overweight and the woman should not mind but as soon as a woman "lets herself go" then the man is no longer attracted to her.
    This is just general speculation and not targeting anyone in particular.

    I know that when my SO puts on weight I am less physically attracted to him. It is not that I think he is fat, or he is ugly, it is just that sex is so much nicer when we are both healthy and feeling good.
     
  12. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    Cut the blub man!

    Fat cells secrete hormones that can cause diabetes! There are oodles of reasons to alter your life style! Consider joining a gym! And maybe hiring a personal trainer!
     
  13. cbrmale

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    I'm 167cm and 58kg, so that's just a shade taller but more than twice my weight! I'm right in the middle of my recommended BMI range.

    I only find people who let themselves go to be unattractive. We all have different builds and body shapes, but all it takes is a healthy diet and reasonable exercise to stay in shape. To me it's an attitude thing: you could be better-looking and healthier, but you can't be bothered.

    Cook74: are you going through the issue I described in my post? It is quite common, and it has a name which escapes me for the moment.
     
  14. Bluesy

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    Way to dump that theory on its head. Primitive women did not instinctively "withdraw" from sexual relations with men as an evolutionary mechanism of birth control for no particular reason. Your distorted version of this research completely flies in the face of the body's reproductive imperative, which is to create as many offspring as possible. When times were prosperous, food was plentiful, the tribe was healthy, both genders engaged in sexual intercourse without restraint. When food was scarce, or other hardships were present that made survival more of a challenge, then the women would refrain from sexual relations as means of limiting population growth (this happens in the animal kingdom at large: all species reproduce according to their innate mating instinct during prosperous times and will refrain from mating when food sources are inadequate for sustaining the population) and eventually this became a biologically built-in response to stressful situations. And this is why--drum roll please--a woman's libido will shut down (or diminish) in response to stress today. Pretty neat, eh? :) This is why relationship tension is the number one cause of decreased libido in women. Relationship stress = emotional stress = poor sex drive.

    We (i.e., women) evolved the instinct to refrain from having sex when our level of anxiety increases because our female ancestors would withhold sex when it was unwise to bring more mouths to feed into the world. When we're happy, when we feel safe, we're horny chicas :brow ;) (Excluding medical conditions, medication side-effects, and naturally low libido, of course.) And especially after 35, when a woman hits her sexual stride.

    Interestingly enough, now that we're on the subject of middle-aged women and sex, I just bookmarked an article pertaining to this the other day. Here are a couple of quotes, and you're more than welcome to read the article in full:

    "In the '60s and '70s, the influential sexuality researchers Masters and Johnson were the first to bring attention to the notion that sex begins at 40. More recently, a 1999 University of Chicago study revealed that females aged 40 to 60 had fewer sexual dysfunctions (i.e., lack of interest, performance anxiety) than younger women."

    'Psychologist Dr. L.B. Wish explains, "My baby boomer aged clients who experienced a late sexual blooming typically did so after divorce or widowhood." The psychologist continues, "These events freed them emotionally. Women who sought or stumbled into new relationships discovered their sexual selves." Why did these women find it utterly impossible to unearth their sensual nature while married? According to Dr. Wish, "Sex has long been the arena where couples express their relationship anger, hurt, and disappointment by withholding, turning off, or tuning out. A new relationship wipes the slate clean."'

    http://boomers.msn.com/articleMORE.aspx?cp-documentid=475477&GT1=32001
     
  15. cbrmale

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    From my studies, quite wrong. Primitive societies had many taboos, which often included abstinence from sex for a very long time after childbirth. Early explorers noted that primitive women had relatively few children compared to European women at the time.

    Two strong taboos were incest and food. The definition of incest was very broad, but the result was that men often could only have sex with women of another totem. Food taboos were also totem-related.

    The societies we were interested in had advanced well beyond animal mating behaviour, for example the taboo of incest is totally beyond what a wild animal can comprehend. Indeed, if primitive humankind were animal-like in their sex drives, why then would these humans rule out so many potentially available sexual partners and force men to undertake dangerous journeys to sometimes hostile villages in order to have sex? This was hardly sex without restraint.

    In order to understand this (and where we come from as a society), you need to study anthropological psychology or social psychology, which overlaps the former to some extent.

    If stress were a prime driver to feminine sexual activity (or lack thereof), how do we explain the interesting observation that women who have a partner who they perceive to be superior tend to remain sexually responsive throughout the relationship? Or the observation that thirty-year-old plus women hitting a sexual peak is almost unique to Western societies? In many non-Western societies, women reach their sexual peaks at a much younger age.
     
  16. igor

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    Well, I dunno what totem my wife belongs to but sex is a no-no with her.:mad
     
  17. Dreama

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    What Bluesy is saying makes a lot more sense to me. The only times I've ever not wanted to be intimate with my husband is when school puts so much homework on me, and a lot of stress on me. Plus, Bluesy has research to back up her stance. I wonder which person has more credibility? The one with research, or the one without??Hmm. Tough decision. :lol
     
  18. cook74

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    I'm sure CBRMale has plenty of research data to back his argument.

    Personally I love these little to and fros between them.:sissyfight I have liked them ever since I joined the forums. It is a shame that sometimes they aren't as nice as they could be but...

    It's good to hear more than one side of the story, especially if it is from two very intelligent people.

    You both kick arse!
     
  19. Dreama

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    Well, that's all very awesome indeed, and if he has some research, I'd LOVE to see it. It makes for great argument, and I also love a good tiff.
     
  20. Barbwire

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    Going against the grain here, but, stress makes me horny. I started a thread about it not too long ago, and found that stressed people are often horny people. Or perhaps they just seek sex to relieve stress. Nothing like a good orgasm to take the stress away, right?