Hypergamy or variety?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Sagittarius84, May 6, 2017.

  1. uncutpete

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    I start from the assumption that I have no preconceptions. Couples are all different in their own ways. So I observe them in our first contacts. We are all generalizing here. I'm sure i have been with a couple or two over the years where the woman is the prime-mover and the husband/bf is "just going along," but they are very very rare. With my couples, the percentage of males who have raised first bringing me into their sex, versus females who have raised it first is about 60-40%. However, the enthusiasm for continuing our sessions is almost always shared equally, or with the woman taking the lead, somewhat.

    The second part of your question, if we were compatible outside the bedroom, might a wife leave her hub for me?, takes a longer answer. I don't let it happen. After a few semi and full disasters early in my life, I have learned how to disarm the growth of non-sexual affection in the wife (I have to say, also in the couple. It has happened that both members of the couple have started to fall in love with me). It is hard, because my style is to be as intuitive and open to her sexual emotions as possible. But, although she may be angry at being frustrated in their bedroom, she is married to him, and what she usually wants is to have the burden of the frustration removed. That is my job. That leaves the couple to bond more closely. My style is to encourage their re-bonding... to control my own emotions so that they don't reach beyond our sex... and to short circuit any affection that looks like it may be growing in the wife. Now I've learned how to do all that, while at the same time completely taking over her body while we are fucking... and that can get very emotional, with tears and the rest (and sometimes tears on the hubs part as well). Being the outside man can get very intense... but I like that sort of thing.
     
  2. uncutpete

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    At least in my case, it is less about getting mine, and more about my wife and I being each others best partner because we are in love, as well as being great fucks.
     
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  3. Sagittarius84

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  4. Mittimer

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    I've been in a poly marriage for six years. I've got a busy day but someome yell at me to respond to this later.
     
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  5. Sagittarius84

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    Definitely, I'm extremely interested in getting some in depth information from a poly woman. Is yours an open ended or one-sided poly arrangement?
     
  6. Mittimer

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    Alright, I'm on mobile so forgive typos or crazy auto corrects.

    My husband and I have been poly officially since right after we got married but didn't heavily explore it until a year or two later.

    Within our poly we each practice it differently. He is into casual sex (predominantly with men) and I am into relationships.

    Let me also state we are in a 24/7 D/s relationship and he is my owned and collared sub. That only plays a small role within poly but a larger role in casual encounters for him.

    We have rules, I won't list them all unless someome is interested in it. We maintain that no outside relationship will ever interfere with our own and should one start to, it will be worked on or removed. During periods of activity (meaning one or both of us are with people) we do weekly checks. Sit down conversations where we can talk about things, see if everyone's alright, talk about new people, concerns etc. It allows a calm environment to bring up the things you may have felt too awkward to earlier in the week.

    He primarily seeks for fun. He isn't opposed to a relationship if something moves that way. I don't do casual sex so I tend to maintain relationships. Occasionally they can spill over and involve my husband within them too. That's what happened with my last one. The guys hit it off so we all hung out, went on dates, slept in the same bed. It was lovely.

    I am NEVER looking for the better man, bigger cock, more experienced person. I am only enjoying a new person added to an already wonderful marriage. We don't do poly because there's anything lacking. We do it to add more, introduce new things, allow for those gender based cravings to be filled.

    If you have specific questions, don't hesitate to post them here or pm me. I'm willing to talk about any of this.
     
  7. Sagittarius84

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    1. Who initiated the conversation of polyamory between you?

    2. Were his bisexual tendencies/urges/feelings an integral part of your decision to take part, if he were strictly hetero would you feel the same?

    3. Do you think your position as dominant within the couple contributes to your feelings towards his extra monogamous activities?


    4. Less to do with your poly life and more your domme life, help me to understand if this is a potentially universal lady thing or to only a select few? From my experience in general most women are turned off by a man they can physically or mentally dominate.
     
    #27 Sagittarius84, Nov 10, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2017
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  8. Mittimer

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    Neither of us technically. We had attended a panel at a lifestyle convention about poly relationships within the community with a few friends. It gave us a real look into the lives of people who have practiced this. It gave us a platform to start the discussion on based on things we'd learned, taken notes on, questions we had for each other.

    Yes and no regarding his bisexuality. If he were strictly heterosexual I would still feel the same. It wouldn't change anything. Conceptually we understand that it is irrational and illogical to expect one person to provide you everything you will need in a partner for the rest of your life. It's unfair to put that type of expectation on a partner. Not all relationships are sexual, nor do they need to me. Purely emotional relationships are also a thing within the poly community.

    They do and don't play a factor. I have never told him "no, you can't do that" or "you HAVE to do this". I don't control his partners, that's a bullshit card to pull in the realm of dominance. However, I do at times control what he does sexually but only because it's something he gets off on. Prior to a hook up, I can cage him and keep the key. Tell him he's just a toy to be used by all the hung men. Send him off ordering him to not speak just serve. It's not a control factor for me, it's getting into his head and turning him on and getting him hungry for me.


    There are very, very few Dominant women from my experience within this lifestyle. That's ok though. I am to an extent turned off by overly submissive men. I do not like a man who knows nothing about me, nothing about my play style, who I am, what I am capable of.. but will come to me and grovel at my feet begging to serve. It's disgusting and off putting and my knee jerk reaction is to truly do something fucked up to prove to them how stupid they are to so freely give themselves to someone they don't know. However, if there is an individual who gets to know me, really gets to know me and we develop into that type of D/s, then I find it arousing. I also am a twisted person that I love the power struggle with Dominant men (and women). Fighting to break them down or fighting to not be brought down lol It's honestly quite a bit of fun.

    Unfortunately, I know quite a bit of men and women who feel that a submissive man is somehow less of a man. I find that ideal so unbelievably ridiculous. My husband is a powerful figure in his life, at his job, with daily activities. He can kill all the creepy crawlies, work on the car and grill out with a beer in hand. He can also wear panties, cook my dinner, sit at my feet and be my little bitch when he needs to be though. It takes one hell of a strong man to be able to give up that control and be owned by another person.
     
  9. Sagittarius84

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    I'm admittedly guilty of buying into that notion, but having corresponded with guys that are into it over the yrs, I can see further motivations as to what might drive the behavior.

    The question remains though whether it be a husband or some other relationship, how often do you see a man sexually valued or desired when he isnt a powerful figure in his life, job or daily activities? Say he isnt adept at killing the creepy crawlies, or grilling, or working on the car? One would think the dominantly minded female populace would flock towards what would in those cases are proven to be "submissive" males, but from your description and the descriptive terms that I've gathered anecdotally, there seems still to be an alpha seeking(ugh don't really like that term), dare i say hypergamous slant in selection.
    The more I think of this the more it seems there's a different mechanism in place for womens sexual attraction in the presence of weakness, as opposed to men. As in you don't lust after the scared lamb you know you can tear to shreds, you seek the lion who dares give you his neck.
     
  10. Mittimer

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    Whether or a man is submissive or dominant doesn't drive me to be with them. I prefer them as a person. Their ability to have an intellectual conversation, a good sense of humor. Submission is not weakness. I want to KNOW someone and fall for them based on connection, not sex.
     
  11. Sagittarius84

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    That's the point I was focusing on, specifically within a thread titled Hypergamy vs. Variety. I would in fact argue that submission as oft exercised is display of strength, more so than most men can or will, thus the preference for which still follows a hypergamous slant.

    What you described eariler in your disdain for the overly submissive is also confusing, but I think that's my own contextual bias talking because I don't have experience with women specifically asking me to dominate them sexually without getting to know them first, and thus don't have the capabilities to see it as a bad thing..lol
     
  12. Mittimer

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    Well look at it this way. If a woman you literally never knew, never met, never spoke with came up to you via this website, the street etc.
    Now imagine she threw herself at you, promised you her body, mind, soul. Promised to dedicate every waking moment of her life to your existence. She offers you her credit cards, her money, her home, her time. EVERYTHING. How fucking creepy and off putting would that be? That's what dominant women in the lifestyle deal with from overly zealous submissive/slave boys every.fucking.day.
     
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  13. Sagittarius84

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    And I'd have to be 100% honest with you, given the way I haven't been the subject of overt female attention in my life I'd think it was the most excellent thing in the world, more so If I found her sexually attractive. Now if they don't take a polite refusal then we're getting into definite creepy off putting behavior, but I guess im privileged enough to have not dealt with it enough to be turned off by it.
     
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