Husband has decided no more sex

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Connieya, Aug 31, 2014.

  1. Connieya

    Connieya New Member

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    Hello, I've been with my husband for 14 years, married for 10. I have to always initiate having sex. He told me that we're too old for sex. We're 35. When I said were not old, he said well, we've been married for a long time and sex isn't that important to him. He holds my hand, cuddles, etc. he says this should be enough but it's not. Nothing has changed. All I ask for is for sex once a week but it's a huge fight if I ask and he turns me down. I'm starting to resent my husband and he's really a good man and provider but he is severely lacking in the bedroom. Any ideas would be helpful
     
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  2. jt _couple2012

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    Hi there
    Is this a medical condition that require a doctor visit? or a mental? Is he seeing anybody else? Can u tell?
     
  3. Connieya

    Connieya New Member

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    I know he's not seeing anyone. I know his entire schedule, etc. we spend all our free time together. I haven't changed in ten years, the only thing I can think of is possibly stress but he doesn't seem stressed. Anytime I bring it up he simply says sex is not important to him anymore. He had a physical recently and he's in perfect health. He works during the day and goes to the gym and jiu jitsu classes right after. He seems happy with me, tells me he loves me, doesn't want anyone else. No sex
     
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  4. jt _couple2012

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    No body doesn't want sex without reason, sex is a major need just like food and water. There is a reason and you have to start looking closely. Some men loose it early in their 40th but not 100%, they just loose some interest so that they do it one time instead of 3 times.
    Does he get exited when u touch him or wear something sexy? I mean does he get hard?
     
  5. AGFUNK

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    Go to counseling so you have a mediator. He should care and if he loves you so much he should come to a compromise. Ask him how he would feel if you didn't hold hands or anything like that and if he would still feel loved.
     
  6. jt _couple2012

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    Please listen to what AGFUNK say, she is very kind person and always help anyone who needs an advice, I have never seen her before but I can tell that she can be trusted.
     
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  7. Connieya

    Connieya New Member

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    Thank you for your suggestions. He's really opinionated and wants things to only go his way. I'll suggest counseling. I'm starting to feel really depressed about it and thought about asking my doc for anti depressants but I don't take meds unless absolutely necessary. It's killing me on the inside. I've even told him how I feel just today and he says my expectations about sex are too high. It's very frustrating. Yes, he does get hard if I touch him but he pushes me away and won't do anything about it. When we FINALLY have sex it's the equivalent of two peoples genitals touching with no other contact. He won't kiss me, touch me, nothing. If I try to kiss him he looks away. Ya know what's sad is all our friends see us as the perfect couple. I've contemplated an affair or divorce. Both seem so horrible to me.
     
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  8. jt _couple2012

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    Hey, I got divorced 3 times before and this same story happened to me once with me 3rd ex wife. In my case, she was cheating, I am not suggesting that your husband is a cheater but it's possible. The affairs and cheating don't make any sense to me because nobody forces nobody to stay or go away and there is no need to lie or hide something.
     
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  9. AGFUNK

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    There's seriously something more going on with him. I hope he agrees to counseling. This needs to be fixed.
     
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  10. 12barblues

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    Talk with him. He has a reason for this. If you love each other , then this is totally fixable. If the woman I loved asked me for something... I would do it for her. Even if it WASNT in MY interest. That's my 2 cents.... Only YOU know your situation...
     
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  11. scar69

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    I wouldn't keep wasting time on someone so selfish, he'd be gone in a heartbeat.
     
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  12. Meee

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    There's more to the story. He's a good man but he's really opinionated and wants things to go only his way. He's happy but you have huge fights. He says sex is "unimportant" but he turns away as if it's actually repulsive. He loves you but he pushes you away.

    I think that this is another one of those cases where a person comes to this forum and asks a question about sex, but there's really a more general problem with the relationship. The person sets up a situation where everything is fine except sex. Everything is fine. No other problems. It's just the sex. Can't you help me with the sex? That's all I'm asking about.

    But sex is never just about sex, and a sex problem is never just about a sex problem.
     
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  13. lbushwalker

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    Meee is right as always about such things but it just could be true that this man has lost his libido.
    I would advise a visit to his doctor for full medical assessment including blood tests.
    This symptom (which it is because this is not normal behaviour as others have pointed out) could be an indicator of something more sinister health wise than is suggested of him simply being selfish.
    I am a dude over 60 and my young SO can vouch that she has no problems getting the actions she needs out of me also I am of the opinion that you use it or lose it and I am rather fond of my prostate while it still works ;)
     
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  14. hollydollyrose22

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    I was with a man just like this. I thought it was me. Turns out he had a wife :p That explained his sexual reluctance toward me.

    Anyway, I'm guessing his sex drive died and he has no self-confidence in the bedroom.
     
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  15. Waazle

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    I agree that there is much more to this story. The last thing I want to do is offend you or make quick judgments. I am merely just trying to help figure out the source of the problem.
    My first thought is that maybe you aren't doing enough to try to turn him on, but I really doubt that is the case. Have you tried lingerie or tried anything kinky? does he have any sexual fantasies that he might be interested in? anal sex, facials...?
    It could be that he is bored of having sex with you. I am only saying that because of the length of your marriage. I doubt that idea and I can't relate. I am the one that is always wanting to have sex in my relationships.
    I noticed other people mentioned that he could be cheating which could possibly be true but I hope that is not the case.
    The only other thing I can think of is that maybe he is gay. There are a million stories out there where men that were married for decades and had kids were gay.

    I know I am just jumping to extreme conclusions.
     
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  16. htoad

    htoad Active Member

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    To the OP a few questions:
    - Do you have children?
    - What does he worry about (if you have ever asked him that)?
    - You say you and he spend all your free time together. What sort of things do you do together?
    - Do you know if he watches porn?
     
  17. Connieya

    Connieya New Member

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    I do buy lingerie. He says he likes it when I sleep in panties only. He cuddles me while we sleep. I've offered different things in the bedroom and he's not interested-including anal. He's a clean freak and he said that's disgusting. Yes he watches porn ( and I don't mind). I've offered to watch porn with him if that helps. No children, we dislike kids, we have a dog. When we go out we go to bars, sporting events, dinner, picnics in the park, we go to the gym together, we do a lot! Yesterday we spent the day searching for the best New York pizza. We go on really nice romantic vacations. He says he has no worries, he loves me, etc., etc.. Maybe he is bored with me. He says I ask for sex too much. I ask for sex once a week. We may have sex once or twice a month and it's always a fight to get that. I like the idea of a counselor. I'm going to try that route.
     
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  18. Connieya

    Connieya New Member

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    Btw my friends all tell me I'm crazy. My relationship is perfect so I should forget about the sex part.
     
  19. 12barblues

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    this is making less and less sense.
     
  20. Amature

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    I can't help but wonder if he has low testosterone. That can be checked easily with a blood test. Once a week sex is not too much, especially in your mid-30's. My first wife was the way your husband is. We went months, sometimes years, without sex. Even the mention of it upset (as in pissed her off!) yet I know she loved me. It is hard to understand how a person (of either sex) can with hold sex from someone they love. Most people go to work, do chores around the house, and try to make their s.o. happy. And yet occasionally we hear of people who with hold sex. That is very cruel to the other person I think.

    I can not bring myself to advise you to have an affair. I totally understand needing sexual fulfillment. Not being desired by a person you love and are committed to does make a person question their desirability to the opposite sex (I know this from my own experience). But I'm afraid an affair would probably result in guilt or possibly feeling you had only been used. I got pretty lonesome and as bad as I hate to admit it, I did "chat" with a couple of women on the internet back when that was popular. And I did develop feelings for a couple of them. We never met or sent dirty pictures or anything like that though. I just craved female attention, even if it was only talk. My wife discovered my activities and I had to choose between her and "chatting". I chose her. About 7 years later she died one morning of a massive heart attack. Looking back on my life and 30 plus years of marriage, I remember a lot of loneliness and rejection and the pain and heart ache those feelings bring. But, I am happy that I never had an affair or cheated on her (although my activities were pretty much borderline and some would probably say I had). I have since moved on, got remarried to a wonderful woman who loves and desires me sexually and I really don't have any regrets. I wish I could have understood her not wanting me sexually and sometimes wonder if I could have done more for her. I wonder if maybe we should have divorced because I'm sure she wasn't happy in our marriage either. But we stayed together for the kids and then, suddenly, they were grown and on their own, yet we stayed together. I don't know why. Love I guess. Or afraid to move on.

    So, now you know my story. I hope you decide if you want to put in more work with your current marriage or if you would be better off to divorce and try again. Only you know what you want to do. If he had a medical condition and COULD NOT give you sex, that would be one thing. But being able to and just not wanting it.....well...that's another. Whatever you decide, I hope it is right for you and wish you the best of luck. It sounds like you need it.
     
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