[Ask a Girl] Husband cheated

Discussion in 'Ask a Guy/Girl' started by Imnotsure, Apr 12, 2013.

  1. Imnotsure

    Imnotsure New Member

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    My husband cheated on me after we were engaged but I didn't find out until years later after we were married.We have been married for 19 years, I still feel hurt and have feelings of resentment, I can't get over it and it's destroying me inside. I don't think he has physically cheated since but he does do a lot of suspisous things. He had an account on adult friendfinder, he flirts with women on paltalk.com and tells them how sexy they are, he had a secret po box, he loves to watch porn (I guess all guys do) he called women to book a massage, and he likes to wear speedos when we go to the beach, I don't find it to be a turn on at all, and now he tells me recently he would like to give a man oral sex so what does that make him? bi? I don't know I'm thoroughly confused and hurt and generally just fed up. What would you all do? I would a guys opinion too so this question is for guys and girls I guess.
     
  2. mrcock

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    you feel a mental pain due to the cheating of your husband. ma opinion is, all the mental pain should be treated. you should talk to your husband. by your post, it seems to me, you don't feel like it's ok, so I guess, you should tell your husband that you don't feel like it's ok, unless you already told him

    regarding him wanting to have sex with a male, makes him a bi. I guess, it would be a mental pain for him now, if he would not
     
  3. Imnotsure

    Imnotsure New Member

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    He knows I don't agree with what he did we have had that discussion many times, I can't get over it and let it go. He gets mad when I bring it up, then I say well how do you think I feel?
     
  4. mrcock

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    seems like a lack of respect for you from him
     
  5. redics_girl

    redics_girl Active Member

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    Once someone has cheated, doesnt matter how long ago it was, it will always be there. i dont know how long ago you found out but it is very reasonable that you would be hurt and upset and resent the act. the question is- do you resent your husband? And if you do, do you see yourself getting past it and making it work? My husband cheated. We had a messy relationship for awhile, if you want, i'll tell you about it. but as much as i hated what he did, i didn't hate him. i still loved him and wanted our marriage to work. we worked, we're still working, we still have rough patches, but its been about 9 months since i found out. something still set me off, as i knew the girl, and she lives in our town, but the for the most part, its not in the forefront of my mind anymore. its always there, but its getting easier and easier not to let it consume all my thoughts. given that he has cheated, he needs to be there for you as you deal with it. he needs to be open to having a conversation about it, answering any questions you have, and you have to talk about it. ignoring it is going to make the wound fester.

    You, as his wife and the victim of his cheating, have the right to be uncomfortable with certain things. the account on friend finder, the secret PO box... those are huge red flags. The porn, yeah, all guys watch it, but he should be respectful of your feelings, especially in light of his cheating. talking to women on paltalk- depends on what they're talking about. I do believe there is inappropriate talk, but there is also just talk. if you are uncomfortable with it, however, he should respect and listen to you feelings. The speedos on the beach- personal prefrence maybe? Or is he actively showing off for other women? Again, if you are uncomfortable, regardless of the reason, he should listen to you.



    Does it make him bi? It might just be a fantasy. how active is he in trying to make this reality? how often does he bring it up, how much detail does he go into? These are all things you should watch for. maybe he's just trying to express his fantasies with you, try returning the gesture? again, however, if you are uncomfortable, that is your perogative. husband and I have similar fantasies, but we also have different fantasies. if either one of us is uncomfortable, then we work out a compromise if one is to be had, or we drop it. the best thing for the pair of you to do is communicate. i don't know how much time you have alone, but you need to get some. Turn off the electronics, get away from people, lock yourselves in a room with no distractions and have a frank, open discussion. it will hurt, it will maybe be ugly, but you both need some answers. Once you have those answers, you can decide what to do, but until you are ready for them, feelings you are having aren't going to go away. if he is unwilling to have this discussion, then i guess you have your answer. Have you thought about, mentioned marriage counselling? it does help, but you both have to want it to work in order for it to be successful. The first answer you should find is whether or not you want to work it out. If you do, then it is going to take a lot of work, and its not always going to be pretty. I know how you are feeling right now, and my heart aches for you. But it you want it to be, it will get better. Good luck.
     
    #5 redics_girl, Apr 12, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 13, 2013
  6. Imnotsure

    Imnotsure New Member

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    I found out about his cheating about 15 years ago,it's been a long time but I can't let it go, it was with a friend of mine. On paltalk he likes to look at womans cams and tell them they look sexy that sort of thing, I admit I'm a jealous person but I just feel I'm not good enough if he has lokk elsewhere. He won't do marriage counseling. He says I treat him like a child because I check up on him, but I haven't always been this way, HE MADE me this way. As far as the oral sex with a guy he doesn't really pursue it as far as I know but I've been fooled before lol. And the speedo thing at the beach I feel is a form of exibitionism, he wants to show off, but I have to deal with all the giggling and remarks from other people that also think it's ridiculous looking.
    Editing to add I'm not really worried about women looking at him because I don't know of any women who find speedos attractive lol
     
  7. backcheck64

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    I'd have to say you've got problems, and they likely won't be solved. Cheating is unforgivable...period. I've been happily married for 25 yrs, together 30...but that would end in a second of she cheated. If he's even considering another guy...he's bi at the least. Now you have to worry about him cheating with both sexes. You've got a lot of thinking to do. If you can't forgive the cheating, things can't move forward. THen you've got his little daliances online to deal with...then his bi tendencies. Personally I'd bail.
     
  8. Meee

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    If he refuses to go to marriage counseling, start by going to a marriage counselor on your own. Tell him you're going. Marriage counselors are familiar with situations where one side refuses to go. The counselor will still have things to discuss with you. Good luck.
     
  9. Anotherday

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    Wow, some serious trust issues there.

    I'm thinking you need to seek some professional counseling to sort out your feelings and options in this situation then move forward. So sorry to hear this, but life can and will go on no matter what resolution you come to. It just needs to be dealt with, no need in living like this.

    A lot of people do have open relationships, but and it's a HUGE but, they should be consensual, open, and honest. It sounds as if you aren't getting any of that.
     
  10. redics_girl

    redics_girl Active Member

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    i agree with meee, if he won't go with you, you really need to go yourself to help deal with the problems you have regarding his infidelity. sounds like you have some really hard decisions to make, especially if he won't help you. it really does sound like he has no respect for you, and i get the sense that he's carrying on as he is, because he has done it for so long. you deserve better than that. i hope you find some help, because he obviously is not going to provide it.
     
  11. Imnotsure

    Imnotsure New Member

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    I didn't know I could go to marriage counceling alone, I just assumed it was a couples thing. I know I have a lot to think about, this has affected me so much that I'm suffering panic attacks and can barely function, I'm in a deep depression and have been for years, I leave the house about once a week for groceries, we are self employed and run the business from our house, we have been together for 27 years, I've never been alone, I feel trapped because I don't think I could make it on my own, I feel there is no way out except for ending it all.
     
  12. MordsithLove

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    Imnotsure:

    Do this for you it's no longer about him anymore. Start thinking of you, what you need to do to move forward. Cause the more emotion, efforts, and stress about him will only sink you further below into your depression.

    Gotta focus on positives now, find a counsel that can really help you unwind the knot and think around it. Your husband is oblivious and he should no longer be a priority for you to track down. The moment you outshine him, and he sees you getting better and doing well for yourself, he will then start to realize you are moving on without him...maybe then he will want to change for himself to set the marriage straight and make the relationship healthy for you and him.


    Infidelity is tough to deal. I've been there before, I wish you the best hun. You deserve better, so why not do things that make it better for you? Don't forget to communicate in a civil and constructive form, don't make him go back to that place where he knows he has been screwing up....for me I approached my SO with "I know there's something else, and I can't change what you've done, but we need to work it out and find a way where we can both be happy in this." Don't jump into the issue, start to the solutions :)
     
    #12 MordsithLove, Apr 13, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2013
  13. fireontheside

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    Maybe others will disagree, but I don't think that wearing speedos, having a PO Box, looking at porn, getting a massage, or telling people they're sexy (or even being honest with you and saying he wants to give a man oral sex) count as cheating. None of them do. Then again, my definition of cheating is pretty rigid. Sexual activity with someone other than your partner in a relationship where sexual exclusivity has been implied. So none of those things are cheating, except, well, that time he actually cheated on you.
     
  14. fireontheside

    fireontheside Member

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    And although I agree that what happened to you is crappy, he didn't make you any way. We all choose how we respond and deal with life's difficulties, and if you've become untrusting/angry/whatever, that's on you.

    I suggest you deal with it because if things end with him (and it sounds like they will) you don't want to carry that baggage into your next relationship.
     
  15. rileyjane

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    I think you should go to counseling for yourself.. All of these years of knowing what he has done is affecting you in ways you probably dont even realize... I am also windering in any of your concersations with him if you have asked him how would he feel if you did this to him?? I wiah you luck that is a tough deal. :-(
     
  16. almostthere

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    I agree, and blowing a guy? Ding ding ding, thats the bell that should be ringing in your head