Huge difference in need for sex

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by teee, May 22, 2006.

  1. teee

    teee New Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2006
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    I was wondering if anyone has any advice on this situation I'm in. I've been with my girlfriend for a while and everything is perfect except for our sex life. I need/want sex pretty much everyday (we see each other pretty much every day) and I don't know if she would care if she ever had sex again in her life. She's pretty good about 'giving' me sex, although it's always obviously her laying there and letting me get it over with and I've become sick of that. We've talked about this problem a lot, she knows it's a problem, but it doesn't ever change. She's also on antidepressants, which could definately be contributing to her lack of desire.
    Is there any hope for this relationship? I can't go on forever like this. How long do I wait to see if she starts to enjoy sex again? Is there anything I can say or do to help? This isn't going to work out unless she figures out how to enjoy sex again.
    Any help would be really appreciated!!
     
  2. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,823
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Dixie Land
    Well, certainly, you've hit the nail on the head, when you mention her antidepressants. It is a side affect.

    You will have to decide if this is something with which you can live. She may be destined to need these antidepressants for most or all her life. Were the two of you together before she started taking them? If so, was she more sensual at that time?

    She should talk to her doctor. If she is interested in changing the situation, perhaps finding another suitable med would work.

    Good luck and welcome to :sf
     
  3. shorty

    shorty New Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2006
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    I just want to say that I completely understand. I was on antidepressants before and it definitely affected my sex drive. I never wanted to have sex. Once I got off of them I was ok. You should see if she can switch to one with less sexual side effects. I would say that is your best bet. Now I am in a situation that is similar, only it's not me who doesn't want sex, it's my boyfriend....Have any suggestions? I think it's drugs that are causing it.
     
  4. Krof

    Krof New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2006
    Messages:
    168
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sweden
    I've taken antidepressants and it removed my sexdrive almost completly. Before the pills I used to masturbate every night and when taking the antidepressants it went down to once a week. Also note that the one time a week I did do it, I didn't really feel like doing it. It was just like a tool to fall asleep easier.
     
  5. Logger

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2003
    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    45
    Gender:
    Male
    What do you want her to do?

    Tony Robbins talks about chaning your mood by changing your posture.

    Maybe give her commands. Squeeze, now release. Tighten your thingh muscles, release.

    Arch your back, now relax your back.

    Maybe after a few commands, she wil get into the rythim.
     
  6. teee

    teee New Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2006
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Prozac and loss of sexual desire

    I have a feeling it's the antidepressants too. When we first got together she had been on antidepressants for a long while already but was very sexual. Looking back on that time, it seems like it was a show to get me to like her. I guess it worked...I'm in love now, but the awesome sex is gone.
    I actually read up a bunch on antidespressants and sexual side effects and found out that the specific one she takes (Prozac) is statistically one of the worst ones for causing lack of sexual desire. I read about other options that don't affect the sex drive nearly as much and talked about all this with her. But she is on a large daily dose of Prozac and had to go through a couple of drug/dose combinations to find this one, which brings her up to a happy normal. I feel like an ass asking her to put her happiness in jeopardy and experiment with these new antidepressants just for my sexual needs, but on the other hand I don't know if we'll last as a couple unless something changes.
    What to do? Should I urge her to think about trying other choices of antidepressant or just sit and hope she magically starts to enjoy sex more?
     
  7. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,823
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Dixie Land
    That's a tough call., teee. And I'm afraid there is no quick and easy answer. As you said, you are basically asking her to risk her emotional health, just to help you and your sexual needs.

    She obviously can give pleasurable sex, as she has done it with you. The two of you will have to sit down and seriously discuss what you both want and what you both need. Since the relationship is rather new (I am assuming...) perhaps it would be easier if you both wrote your wants/needs/desires and gave each other what you wrote. Then privately read them and think about them before coming together to discuss them. - And make sure you 'season' the note with your love for her. perhaps at that time, you both can come to some sort of plan regarding whether to see the doctor, or try sex without changing meds... Good luck.
     
  8. Logger

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2003
    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    45
    Gender:
    Male
    Phrase your commands as questions. That way, she can reject easily what she finds unpleasurable, without arguing.

    How about your working on being a better coaching partner?

    "Can you arch your back?"

    "Can you relax your back?"

    "Can you squeeze your bun muscles?"

    "Can you relax your bun muscles?"

    "Can you tighten your breast muscles, your deltoids?"

    "Can you relax your breast muscles, your deltoids?"

    "Can you raise your right leg and knee?"

    "Can you tighten your thigh muscles?"

    "Can you shake your hips?"

    "Can you relax your hip muscles?"

    "Can you rotate your hips in a small circle?"

    "Can you roate your hips in a larger circle?"

    "Can you relax your hips?"

    Adjust the dosage of the pills lower, or take a vacation for a day, occasionlaly. Many people think they have to take the capsule whole. Put a capsul in a soda bottle, just pull the capsule apart and dujp the powder in, put the top on hte soda bottle, and shake it up. Then take as much of a dosage as you want. Give her feedback in adjusting the dosage, showing her technically how to change the dosage, but let her decide how much when.
    p
     
  9. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,823
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Dixie Land
    :ugh Logger, you know I think highly of you -- but changing medication dosages without doctor approval? :whoa We don't know her condition. You may be right to reduce it - but it probably should be done under a doctor's watchful eye.

    As usual, jmho :)
    :rose
     
  10. Logger

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2003
    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    45
    Gender:
    Male
    Dear Rose (And Teee),

    I did not say keep it secret from the Doctor. Doctors depend upon patient feedback to set the dosage, particularly for Antidepressants. Many Doctors don't tell their patients to split their pills, and to take only what they feel they need. Psychotropic meds, in particular, are subject to a wide variance of effect, in dosage and results.

    Pharmaceutical companies don't like Doctors to suggest splitting pills, because that makes the pills last longer, and the Pharmaceutical company loses money. So the PATIENT has to suggest proportionally reducing the dosage.

    A clear soda bottle can be used. Peal off the lable, and put a Sicky Blank label, so you can mark the proportions you want. You can use Juice instead of soda, and you can keep in the refrigerator.

    Thanks for trying to minimize how often you point out my fallibilities. Did you have any more Motion Suggestions for us?
     
  11. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,823
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Dixie Land
    Okay... I'll just leave that alone. Not quite sure what i said. but...

    sorry ... :shrug
     
  12. gurlcat

    gurlcat New Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2006
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    alabama
    sorry to be the one to point this out but...it could be that while she is still in love with you, she has lost her lust for you. it may not be her overall sex drive but rather waning feelings of hotness for you specifically. i know, that must be like the most painful thing for a man to consider, but as a woman i know that it can and does happen.

    you say she was on the meds even when she did seem to enjoy sex, so the change appears to be psychological as opposed to chemical.

    i don't know. in your openning thread, you said you've talked about the problem a lot. what have you said and what has she said?
     
  13. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,823
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Dixie Land
    A woman can overcome her internal lack of sexual need, for a period of time, in order to 'seduce' a man. She can become anything she wants, or feels is necessary, in order to achieve her goal. :eyes Yes, America, I am admitting it...
    Teee, she probably truly cares for you, but her medical/mental situation makes it diffiicult. Please talk with each other, and please consult her doctor. He/she is used to this side-effect, and can give you both good, solid counseling.
     
  14. Logger

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2003
    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    45
    Gender:
    Male
    More Coaching Phrases:

    Men who comnplain that a woman is not active during sex, may be missing the opoprtunity to give the woman permission and encouragement to express enjoyment of her body.

    Here are a few intruductory phrases, to add to whatever you want your partner to do in foreplay or congress. I copied the list of instructions from my above post, which was asking questions. This list will be with suggestions, as beginners. The intruductory phrase can be used with any suggestion for increased arousal.

    "You will feel great, if you arch your back."

    "It is easy for you to relax your back."

    "You will be more excited, if you squeeze your bun muscles."

    "It will be more exciting, if you relax your bun muscles."

    "Pleasure will increase, as you tighten your breast muscles, your deltoids."

    "Your energy flows around me, as you relax your breast muscles, your deltoids"

    "You can concentrate your energy to my tip, if you raise your right leg and knee."

    "You will become more aroused, if you tighten your thigh muscles."

    "It will be more fun, if you shake your hips."

    "Our feelings will intensify, if you relax your hip muscles."

    "You will become more wet, if you rotate your hips in a small circle."

    "Your enjoyment will increase, if you roate your hips in a larger circle."

    "It will be easy to breath deeper, as you relax your hips."
     
  15. Clark

    Clark Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2006
    Messages:
    189
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    I am married to a wonderful woman who has almost no sex drive.

    Through the years, there have been factors that have contributed to this:

    1) after having multiple miscarriages, she was actually afraid of having sex
    2) after gaining weight, she developed a poor image of herself and this contributed to reduced desire for sex because of her low self esteem
    3) medications such as birth control pills had side effects including reduced sex drive and increased weight gain (see 2 above).
    4) when she finally was pregnant with our first child, she felt even less sexy because of her weight gain and stretch marks. After she had our daughter, she knew that we were going to try to have another child, so she didn't make effort to workout, watch diet, and get back into good shape.

    We've been married for over ten years. But even when we were newlyweds, she had very little desire for sex.

    Things are worse now. During the past four or five years, we have had sex about every other month (somewhere around 8 times a year).

    I have tried everything I can think of:
    a) at first, I felt like I was doing someting wrong. Did she need more romance? foreplay? Did I need to be in better shape? Did I need to use different technique? Did I need to be more gentle with her? More forceful? What?
    b) Maybe I needed to put less pressure on her to have sex. I backed off and told her to initiate sex when she felt she was ready. That never happened.
    c) Were there other factors in her life causing this? work stress? family stress? anything else?

    Aside from our sex life and intimacy, our marriage is nearly perfect. But I have a VERY strong libido and this sex life is very difficult for me to deal with. It has been a huge blow to my self-esteem. To use an analogy, it's very hard for me to have confidence in my cooking if my wife never wants to eat my food. My wife was not my first sexual partner, but is the first sexual partner I've ever had that seemed to have no interest in having sex at all.

    It has led to me feeling trapped in my marriage. We've been to therapy. Two different therapists, in fact. It was all a big waste of time, emotion, and money with absolutely no progress whatsoever.

    The only sex life I have, really, is staying up late night, jacking off to porn. I feel pathetic for that, especially at 37 years old. But it's all I have.

    It has also led to me fantasizing about having affairs with other women. I've never done that, and I don't ever want to do that. But my sexual drive goes unchecked so much that I can't help but think about it. Sex was never a foundation of our marriage (that's why we've been married for 10 years), but that doesn't mean it's not important to me.

    My wife is currently pregnant with our second child (yes, we had sex... once.... in February... that's the only time we've had sex this year).

    I'm still optimistic (I have to be). After my wife has this second child, I will be having a vasectomy. We'll be through having children and she can make effort to lose weight knowing that she won't be having any more children. She won't have to fear miscarriages. She won't be under any medications. I'm hopeful. And I will continue to work to make our marriage better in any way that I can.

    I love her very much, and I will continue to be as understanding, supportive, and positive as I can be.

    I don't know if I'm in any position to give you advice, teee. I certainly could use all the advice I can get. But I can offer this:

    Marriage isn't about love. It's about living the rest of your life together with the person you love. It's a bad idea to make sex a foundation in a marriage, but I believe you should know whether you and your partner are sexually compatible and you should understand what you're getting into before you get married. After ten years, I can tell you that it has taken an immense amount of patience, effort, energy, work, understanding, time, and dedication to maintain our marriage because of this. I don't regret it. But I feel strongly that 90% of the men out there would not have stuck around as long as I have.

    (how's that for a 'first post' ?)
     
  16. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,823
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Dixie Land
    Ya' know, Clark, you really need to learn to articulate what you want to say. :rofl
    j/k - Sounds like you have experienced what so many of us have put into words to 'teee'. And all the thoughts your are having right now are normal, red-blooded thoughts, dealing with the lack of physical intimacy in your marriage. Thank you for being so candid in your first post.
    Not to side-track 'teee's" post too much, but Clark, you said you both went to therapy, but have you all discussed this with her medical doctor? With the history you gave, perhaps some chemical imbalance/post-partum depression is going on as well. :shrug ... just a thought. - but I imagine you have exhausted every avenue.
     
  17. pussycat69

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2006
    Messages:
    2,964
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Northeast

    From personal experience I can tell you(although everyone is different)that there is moe of a mind-ease after a vasectomy and that itself will hopefully give her a little boost in 'wanting' more often(We both became jack-rabbits).As for the weight loss,once we are done with having kids we do try and get back on track(usually).

    Just try and be encouraging(which I'm sure you have been and will be),and patient.She won't want to do it right off the bat,because as you know,newborns are exhausting.

    Also,you're right,I don't think most men would have stuck around.But love is love.
    Good luck with the baby :)...and everything else too.
     
  18. Joe

    Joe
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,681
    Likes Received:
    7
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Rocky Mountains
    Teee, you need to imagine yourself in Clark's place and decide if that's what you want, because that's likely where you'll be in a few years unless something changes. I was there for 20+ years and it wasn't a good place for me. I finally gave up and left. I think we're both better off apart.

    With your partner it's most likely the Prozac. As Rose stated, she should talk to her doctor about a change in meds. Some antidepressants aren't so hard on the sex drive. If she can't change, you have a difficult decision to make. You have a high sex drive and she has none. You're trying to mix oil and water. It seldom works.
    -----------

    Clark, my hat is off to you. I hope things turn around for you soon. I beat myself up for years before I gave up on my first marriage. I thought it was me. I was financially successful, a community leader, on numerous state boards, and respected by my peers throughout the region. People thought I was a success story, but I couldn't seem to make my wife love me, and that's all I really wanted.

    It seems your marriage is a little better than mine was; you have better communication. Keep that line of communication going, keep working on the marriage, and it just might pay off in the end. Good luck, and congrats on the new baby.
     
  19. pirouette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2006
    Messages:
    2,463
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Upstate New York
    Not sure who to post this at: Clark, teee, whomever...
    Normally, I don't divulge too much of my own painful experiences. But my heart goes out to you guys. And I have been "the wife with no sex drive". My sex drive was devastated when I found out I had cancer (I was only 23 when I found it.) I spent the next 6 years in treatment. Sometimes in the hospital for months on end. When I came home, I needed a visiting nurse and 24 hour care, clean room style. Talk about murdering your sex drive! My husband was terrified to even touch me! I also had a full term pregnancy (in ICU, of course) and delivered, but my son did not survive. So after 7 years of illness and pregnancy, I returned home 130 pounds heavier with bountiful stretch marks and zero sex drive. Self confidence really gets destroyed when you go from 128 lbs/ size 8 to a massive 258 lbs/ size 28!
    How did I recover? Therapy was a good start. Getting off my meds made a HUGE difference (supervised by doctors, of course). My self esteem was still stopping me from wanting sex at that point. To feel better about myself, I got a gym membership and went to a few classes a week for fun. I started walking late at night to burn off dinner. To be very honest, my sex drive returned when I lost around 100 pounds. THAT'S EMPOWERING! It helped me realize that there are some facets of my life that I do have control over - even if it's temporary. And that being healthy is not only important, but I deserve it. Exercise happens to be a natural antidepressant. My sympathy to you who are undersexed at the moment. I hope things improve for both of you!
     
  20. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,823
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Dixie Land
    And perhaps taking "Pirouette's" suggestion one step further - join the gym together, take walks together, go grocery shopping for healthy meals together.
    Weight loss was my single most reason for my sex drive returning... however, at quite a later age... but it returned, and catapulted! If a woman feels sexy, she'll be sexy. Mental and emotional encouragement from her man, along with physical results (which only SHE can do), make for a whole new woman.