How to word it?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Myself, Jun 13, 2015.

  1. Myself

    Myself New Member

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    So I haves lived in a sexless relationship/marriage for over 3 years now. By this I mean 12 times or less a year which is what phychologist have defined it as. At this stage I have seeked out outside help, read all I could, bought all I could, communicated until I was blue in the face and have taken health into consideration. All those are are things people in the past bombard me with when I ask for advice or personal experiences so I tried them all with no success.

    So basically I've learned to accept this as best as possible I've even attempted talking about having no sexual relationship at all. But that just led to her being upset and excuses and saying she'll try and things get better for a week then back to stone cold and me being more upset.

    I guess my question is how should I go about this and how do I say it's either got to get better or I don't want a sexual relationship at all?
     
  2. whybother

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    I will give you an answer that is uncommon here at SF. Plenty have come here with the same story. Actually 12 times a year is still doing ok. There are many that say it's been x months, or even years since we have had sex.

    I am married 24 years. We have had ups and downs. As you implied, "communicate" is the number one advice that you will receive and I agree with it but it's nowhere near as simple as just talking about it. Ask yourself if you have really "learned to accept it".

    If you are still asking if "it's got to get "better"" then I suggest that it hasn't gotten better.

    I went through all that you have and I started to realize that even she, or better put, especially she, didn't understand why it was happening. There many factors that affect a woman's sexual desire. There is no way that anyway that anyone could respond to a three paragraph post with any meaningful advice for you. Asking the question here on a sexual forum will usually result in answers telling you how important sex is and how she should be trying to satisfy you or should leave. If you ask the same question on a marriage forum you may get answers more sympathetic. Sounds like you have already tried that.

    You didn't say anything about the other aspects of your relationship but I am assuming that you deeply love her because you have worked to solve the problem.

    Back to what I was saying about communication. Since she probably can't really tell you why her interest in sex has decreased the communication required takes much more than simple. Conversation.
     
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  3. whybother

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    It takes an ongoing effort to appreciate each other. Don't just accept the situation, embrace it. Remember what it was like to "court" her. Remember the little things that you did. Make it your mission to wake up serving her, but actually serving your relationship. When you fell in love was it just because she gave a great blow job? I doubt it. Focus on the things that made you fall in love rather than the sex.

    When I learned that, our sexual desires tended towards equalizing. I spent less time thinking about sex and more time enjoying our life together. She was less tense about sex and we were together more.

    Maybe it's a zen thing, but for me, after years of trying to get more sex, I only got more sex when I stopped "desiring" more sex.
     
  4. Myself

    Myself New Member

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    I think that's the most upsetting part is every other aspect of our relationship is amazing and I can't complain. I totally see where your coming from and I appreciate the advice. I think that's why I just want to stop worrying about it and just say I'd rather have none at all bc when we do even though it's usually medeokre it increases he desire for more.
     
  5. lbushwalker

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    All this fuzzy stuff is fine but at the end of the day there is still a fundamental flaw which is not being fixed.
    Sex is the cement of a relationship and without it nothing sticks.
    OP go from that!
     
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  6. 10_3XL

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    I have to contend this point. If sex is the foundation of your relationship, then to me it's not a relationship worth keeping for life (or any extended amount of time). This isn't to say that sex is not important to a long-term relationship, but it (in my opinion) should not be that on which you found and base that relationship. To me it is more important to have a connection and bond with someone that transcends the physicality of sex/body and is of the mind/soul. Your body is on a timer -- your mind and soul are timeless.

    I think that true happiness in a romantic/intimate relationship occurs when people have gotten past the notion that sex is the penultimate factor in said relationship. Defining the relative success of your relationship on whether or not there is tons of sex is foolish. It's far more important to find and be with someone that you are intimately and romantically attracted to and desire to be with beyond the realms of sexuality. If that's "fuzzy" or me being "young and naive" then so be it, but I think that I'm not alone in this sentiment.

    Again - not discounting the important of sex, but emphasizing it's priority is largely distorted.
     
  7. whybother

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    What 3XL said!!!!

    i just don't agree at all that sex is the cement of a relationship. If that were true then relTionships with great sex would never end. For that matter the best relationships would be with professional prostitutes. Relationships involving handicapped and otherwise I'll people wouldn't stand a chance. Sex is an important aspect of the Union of two people but more time is spent out of bed than in. If sex is the cement that holds a relationship together then what holds non sexual relationships together? Like siblings, parent and child, friendships. You are basically saying that he should give up and that approach will lead to a lonely life. I'm confident from his posts that OP will disregard this advice.
     
  8. whybother

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    And another thing...


    This time I will use your analogy. If the cement is faulty, you can't fix the structure without taking the bricks out and fixing everything. So even if sex were the cement, it is worthless if the bricks are crumbling.
     
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  9. Meee

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    How old are you?
    How old is your wife?
    How long have you been married?

    I will have more questions after you answer those.
     
  10. sandwich

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    @10_3XL I was just wondering if you meant to say "penultimate". I was under the impression that it means second to last (not trying to be the definitions police....just thought it was important to clarify for the OP).

    @Myself You said every other aspect of your relationship is "amazing". I wonder if she shares that view because unless she has some medical problem or secretly prefers women or has a job where the stress takes the life out of her, then I can't reconcile the lack of sex with "amazing".

    Could she be depressed without you realizing it?

    Is it possible she feels a wall between the two of you that is affecting intimacy? Many women need to be cherished and loved in order to trust. Then trust must be in place for sex. I have a relative that has a wall between herself and her husband, and he has no idea. Even though she has tried to talk about it, he does not view it that way. We women are vastly different from men.
     
  11. Candela

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    I feel for you but once again we are hearing 1 side of this story!,Your story only tells us what you want us to know,Maybe things over the years have been done to warrant this kind of sexual loss,Maybe she has her "special,I cant let go reasons"..Us women are like that!...Some things at one time or another may have been said,Maybe hurtful,Can never forget stuff..Only you and her know whats happened over time.
     
  12. 10_3XL

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    No, it was supposed to be "ultimate" -- stupid autocorrect. It tries (but fails). :confused:

    Regardless of that typo/error -- I stand by what I said. :p
     
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  13. lbushwalker

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    And I need to clarify my definition of sex; to me it is the ultimate sharing of body and mind, a communion if you like.
    Sex for the sake of it is to me a waste of effort and lacking in intimacy.
    Some folks would disputes that also but that is my view and context meant in original statement.
    This serves to remind me that not everyone sees the world with the same eyes ;)
     
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  14. whybother

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    Did OP leave?
     
  15. 10_3XL

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    I think it's more of a case of connotation VS denotation here - the implied and the literal.
    Your personal meaning when you say "sex" is quite different from the meaning most people relate to the word. Thus my contentious tangent (which apparently isn't all that contentious once you take into account what you mean when you say "sex"). ;)
     
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  16. danrb007

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    I am in a somewhat sexless relationship I have come to enjoy the sex we do have and in between I enjoy masturbating and watching porn and sometimes chatting with another female. I love her very much and would never cheat on her. We have gone as long as a year without sex.
     
  17. glock27

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    I think perhaps he is gone. A good book I read about it was Sex Begins in the Kitchen. Just a thought. About all I can type. Not good with long responses. :)
     
  18. Sagittarius84

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    Does she have an issue with you watching porn or masturbating? How about a fwb or sex worker? Any physical/medical hangups? Is she writing into a forum for advice? Does she actually show any effort to address the situation?
    Tbh, the tone of OP, and most of the subsequent answers get under my skin a bit because they follow a suspiciously androcentric trail of blame.
    Disclaimer: Much of what I say next probably won't sit well with a lot of people.
    I used to think it was the omnipresent judeo-christian influence in the Western world that influenced how advice was given during sexual issues in relationships. Simply put, the rule seemed to be to side with the person with the lower sex drive(usually woman), and chastize the one with a higher drive(usually man) for lack of understanding and compassion(As I am not LGBTQ...etc, I won't attempt to venture into those dynamics). But it seems that now with women increasingly voicing their desires in public forums the culprit is no longer the most lustful, but rather just the guy. Not enough sex for him? Be understanding and compassionate, sex isn't everything, try to understand her issues and be ok with not having your desires met, maybe you're not doing it good enough for her. Not enough sex for her? His problem, whether it be medical, physical, mental, etc..., tell him to get it together, he's selfish....
    The fact is she cut you off to once a month for some reason, until she speaks up as to why that is it is soley her fault. The only fault you carry is letting it go on for so long(not that I don't understand why).
    You can't make yourself asexual without breeding resentment, no matter how "good" the other aspects of the relationship are. The onus is on her to be an adult and find out what her misfunction is so that the onus can be on you to work with her to make it better.
     
  19. whybother

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    OP is long gone but I have to respond because you mischaracterize Christian thought on sex. There are a lot of things that you can say about the Christian concept of sex on a forum like this, but this is just wrong. Maybe you would be right if you claimed that Christians disapprove of certain sexual practices, but when it comes to frequency, The pure Christian teaching encourages a prolific sexual life. It teaches that it is wrong to decline sex when a spouse wants it. It is that simple.
     
  20. Sagittarius84

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    I was raised in a Christian church(now atheist), and while I somewhat agree with your rebuttal, I think the issue is how I worded it. There's still no denying the general stance usually taken by Judeo-Christians as opposed to true Judeo-Christian doctrine is to side with the partner that has the lower sex drive(unless they are male)