How to tell him how I want it.

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by PrincessGx, Apr 9, 2012.

  1. PrincessGx

    PrincessGx New Member

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    My boyfriend and I have a good, regular sex life, I've had lots of sexual experiences and partners, I am, however, older than him and I am his first. This was great to begin with as I had a lot to show him and I really enjoyed being in control and watching him experience new things. But it's got to a point where he has become cocky (no pun intended!) and a bit set in his ways, although he does some things I LOVE, he also does things I don't like, for example, occasionally grabs my head (YES MY HEAD) to hold onto so he can thrust (him on top), It's a little bit like being humped by a dog. I've tried everything I can think of to stop this or show him a better way etc, but like I said, he's got a bit arrogant and won't listen, or he just gets upset and hurt. Mostly I'm wondering what the best way to approach the subject is without hurting his feelings. And also I'd like to introduce some other things, for example toys, but he takes it as a personal insult and thinks he's not adequate. Help me :) Thanks x
     
  2. 12barblues

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    well, i think the most important thing, in talking and communicating about sexual things with your man is......dont do it when your having sex...

    men , while trying to act as though theyre bulletproof, are actually quite frail when it comes to our performance with women....telling him you dont like something, right when he's in the middle of doing it to you could have a horrible impact on his confidence, and the last thing most women want is a man with no confidence. (picture a guy thats afraid to try anything new in bed, because he's afraid he'll get it wrong again...)
    on the other hand , men looove to talk about sex. so talk about it any other time. just remember, the last thing you want is to have a guy that second guesses everything he does in bed...so be careful how you word things...
     
  3. thunderseed

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    Well said 12barblues!

    I might be able to add some other things... possibly.... more so things on how to talk to someone without talking to someone... but I would think having someone hold onto my head would be a very passionate gesture during sex, and i would think that is an expression of ... gratitude LoL.

    You need to channel into him, all of your intense and wild sexual energy. How to say this like a normal person: Ummm, get him really horny and anticipating to pleasure you the way you want. Even when you are introducing toys, you have to use that charm, and womanly sex charisma you have. LoL. He needs to know the end result is going to be worth it.
    You need to surround him with a sexual aura, that allows him to feel unthreatened by your huge dildos, which basically translates into acting and "feeling" a certain sexual way that erases any fear that he might have about you loving them more than you love him. This means you have to truly feel that your toys are not in any way better than him, and that you have to show him that it's just another way to get you off that he can be a part of, that it's not the toys doing it - it's him. And you shouldn't have to say this, you should be able to show this to him.
    Well, it should be him getting you off, even when your toys are just another tool for it. Make sure he knows it's him you are thinking of when you are pleasing yourself (if you plan on using them in front of him) or better yet, allow him to use them on you, but make sure to introduce it in a way that makes him feel like he is the almighty god of ruling your orgasms.

    During sex, I learned an amazing way to communicate silently through physical gestures and touch, and even eye contact. Unfortunately I'm not really sure how to explain it, because it is partly tantric, and it becomes more than physical. I can move my sexual energies into my partner, and that puts us on the same wavelength, so that i know exactly what he wants, and he knows exactly what I want, and it becomes some weird but trippy spiritual communication. Very orgasmic.

    Aside from the spiritual, it helps if you are physically and mindfully connected - but you can connect with someone in that way if you don't even like someone. Obviously, if you two are not on the same page... nothing will work as well, so you might want to try and build up some basic bonding skills there, but hey. It works for strangers, so it can work for anyone.

    Anyways, I think you can get the same results by simply showing your partner what you like with physical touch, but don't forget to encourage them by giving them the reward of your pleasure you receive from it.
    It helps to be pleasured even before it happens. I know that probably sounds strange, but it's like anticipating it, truly feeling it before it happens with every inch of your body, so that they can also see and feel the benefit of what they could do, it will make them excited and enticed. They need to feel like the end result is going to be worth it. You need to really give it your all and be satisfied by the mere thought of it for it to work really well. Also, you need to be open to giving them 10 times more than what they give you. Maybe that's a little extreme, but I guess I always personally loved giving, and that is what got me off, but people will be more open to giving to you when you have given them a lot.

    People, men in particular, respond like parrots do, through mimicking, it seems to be a natural human instinct. For example, most times people will unknowingly or knowingly touch you, where they want to be touched, thus you can also turn it around. You could change his hand placements by really being into touching him on his body where you would like him to touch you during sex... but obviously you have to make it extremely pleasant for him, and it works. I'm not sure how it works, but it does.

    Also, you can change his hand placements by simply taking ahold of his hands and redirecting them and teaching him that way, but you have to be really into it, and you can't have any negative feelings because... people can sense that on some level. Again, you have to make the end result fantastic, and be pleased before it happens.

    Which is what I mean by, you have to fill him with all of your wild and intense sexual energy, and blow his mind, make him totally and utterly thrilled with the invisible idea of what you are not telling him to do, and he will just get so excited and will do anything for you, and will know just what you want, as soon as you touch him and show him through the physical.

    Lol just look at him and tell him what you want in your mind, it totally works mannnnnnnnnnn
    I'm pretty sure that most of that didn't make any sense but it works for me lololol, oh dear.
     
  4. somhairle

    somhairle Well-Known Member

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    Yep, 12BB is right. Communication is the answer and guys, despite how we appear, can be pretty sensitive. So setting the scene for discussing the issue is important. Maybe best when you are not having sex at all. But perhaps introducing the topic of what you both like and dislike at a separate time. That way you can suggest that you don't like this but tell him something else that really turns you on. Then off to the bedroom to try out those things, rather than sticking to the routines that you don't enjoy.

    The toys thing is a bit weird. I think most men are turned on by a woman receiving pleasure through this type of stimulation. Has he seen you use them on yourself? Maybe this would be enough of a turn on to have him use them on you? Again, it is about talking and letting him know what is best for you. Once he gets over his inexperience, he'll be great. I'm sure of it. Also, do you live apart? Have you let him watch you on cam when you use a toy? That might get him going?
     
  5. PrincessGx

    PrincessGx New Member

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    Thanks, those things are all really helpful, I have tried to talk to him but he's shy on the subject, I don't think anyone's ever spoken to him about it, he's very scared he'll get it wrong, despite the fact that he is in fact very good! He seems to think his lack of experience is a bad thing, it's not, I find it very cute and sexy, but I think he worries that I compare him to my previous partners. Which I don't, and in my mind is wrong, as every partner is different and you can't compare! I think I'm going to try and bring it up in a neutral situation, maybe when we're just watching tv or something, and be really supportive and remind him that I like everything he does etc and polish his ego a bit. The head grabbing thing, yes, very sexy in a passionate moment but he just doesn't do it at the right time, in the right position, and I end up a bit squished. Yeah we live apart, sadly. We're planning a weekend away, maybe then would be the time to show him toys.. perhaps go to a sex shop? Or just dive straight onto the hotel bed.. show him.. I think he'd love toys if I could just get him to try it.
     
  6. somhairle

    somhairle Well-Known Member

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    Yep, think you are on the right track there. As I mentioned too, if he lives a way, get the cam working and bring the toys into it. He'll couldn't reject that - even if he wanted to.
     
  7. PrincessGx

    PrincessGx New Member

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    He lives close but lives with his controlling mother so I don't see him often. I'm a bad influence apparently.. hehe ;P
     
  8. somhairle

    somhairle Well-Known Member

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    Bad can be good.......... ;)
     
  9. PrincessGx

    PrincessGx New Member

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    Bad is aaallwaaays good ;)
     
  10. Gecko

    Gecko New Member

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    PrincessGx,

    There are a lot of ways to communicate to him what you like and don't like.

    You can use verbal cues like moaning when he is doing something you want him to do again, or sometimes say that he can keep doing that forever. As he gets positive feedback on some things and no feedback on others, he might change his moves.

    When he places his hands somewhere that you don't want them, try to move his hands. Maybe take one and slowly suck on a finger or two, then put them somewhere that it is more pleasurable for you. He might take this as a natural, passionate move and not get hurt by it, especially if you do other things that make him feel good about the changes.

    While the two of you are doing something like cooking, start playing 20 questions with him. Try to guide the questions so you get the one you want about moving his hands. Then you might be able to tell him that it really turns you on when his hands are 'here' and let the implication that you don't like them holding your head go unsaid.

    As far as the toys go, maybe 'innocently' pass by an adult store and coax him to go in. Or get a toy that both of you can use. A vibrator gently used on the prostate just under the balls can be very pleasurable. Then let him use it on you somewhere. You can have an entire night of just taking turns playing with the toy.

    You might also look for a game called 4Play. It is a monopoly type game that has an adult theme. You can modify what the cards tell you to do, so you can set any scene you want. It used to be available for download, but I have not played it in several years.
     
  11. thunderseed

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    :lol I used to think that was weird too! But more than a few of my bf's had to be warmed up to the idea :D
    The first time it happened, I brought a toy into the bedroom and just started using it for him, and he suddenly looked really sad, and I was like, "what's wrong?" He told me he was sad and worried I would like it better than him, and that it bothered him watching me be pleased because he felt unconfident in himself, and he wasn't good enough for me. If i remember correctly, I just made him feel better with some really good sex LoL and said something along the lines of: fine with me, we don't ever have to use toys! Because i didn't need toys anyways i just wanted his dick and had just wanted to turn him on, and that boosted up his pride high enough because after that he expressed he wanted to see me use the toys and really enjoyed it!

    But personally, when it comes to toys with a partner, i'm not even doing it for myself im doing it for him! I can use toys any other time and I really don't consider them better than actual sex at all, and that's the truth! I really only do it to please him, and when he is pleased that is what gets me off!
     
  12. somhairle

    somhairle Well-Known Member

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    I have bought my wife a bullet and can't get her to use it. I would love to watch her or use it on her, but she tells me it lacks intimacy and just wants me to us my hands.

    So, I would love to be able to watch her work on herself.............
     
  13. PrincessGx

    PrincessGx New Member

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    well, after taking all of your advice, I sat down after a long shift at work with my man, after a few bottles of wine the conversation started about sex etc.. and we proceeded to have possibly the best sex I've had in a long time. Woop! And he DEFINITELY enjoyed himself! I even got breakfast and flowers this morning. So, thank you very much :p
     
  14. somhairle

    somhairle Well-Known Member

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    Just breakfast and flowers................. :D
     
  15. PrincessGx

    PrincessGx New Member

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    And oral but I was going to leave that bit out :p
     
  16. AHappyWife

    AHappyWife New Member

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    Yay! It's good to know he is opening up.

    I understand exactly what you are going through. A few things to think about:
    He is insecure for a few reasons. He still lives with his mother. Also, his lack of life experiences overall is the main factor. Don't worry. He'll grow out of both.
    He probably doesn't realize how strong he actually is.

    I highly suggest that you dress to the "9s" one night in fabulous lingerie you feel sexy in. Add stockings, shoes, jewlery and some fun makeup. Have more wine and let the excitement build why you walk around all dolled up. Drink more wine. Show more of your body :)

    Buy a toy for him. A Fleshlight is a great tool for men and my hubby let's me use them on him. To double the fun, get the see through one! Add lots of good lube. While playing with him, tell him the things you love about what you are doing. How beautiful he is. His body. Thank him for sharing this with you.

    Buy a smaller-sized dildo vibrator (it will be easier for him to accept) that he can use on you after you've given him a new life experience with his toy.

    After an experience like this, most of his fear will be gone and all the former rules will be broken. I really hope that you have a closet full of mutally fun toys and sexy clothing in a few months.
     
    #16 AHappyWife, Apr 12, 2012
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2012