How to recocnize emotional abuse

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Bittersweet, Oct 26, 2008.

  1. Bittersweet

    Bittersweet New Member

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    My SO and i have been together a long time. he has always been needy, demaniding and critical. but lately he has fits of rage where he breaks stuff and makes holes in the walls. he does not hit me but he demands i act like we wants and threatens me with stuff he will do if i dont. I dont kno what to do. i try everythign to not make him mad but he still gets mad at me. Does anybody here know of this stuff?
     
  2. Wckd_Beauty

    Wckd_Beauty New Member

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    I've been in two relationships where this has happened. One was indirectly through my mother's relationship with her ex-husband and another was a past boyfriend. It is emotional abuse and even though he says he won't hit you.... he'll get to that point where it will turn to physical abuse. First they control you and make you second guess yourself tremendously, then it gets worse. It's usually that the man has some personal issues he needs to deal with and he's very insecure. The steps of control usually deal with making you feel like you can't do your own thing without making him angry or displeasing him. Then he begins to cut off your resources and alienating you in a way that you can't break free from it and you're stuck feeling like he's the only one you can go to for happiness.

    If you feel like he isn't that extreme then try talking to him but if he is near that point then you should start making your way away from him because things like this don't get better...and if they do, they get worse before they get better.

    I'm really sorry that you're going through it, but act now before it gets worse. I really hope my post has helped at least a little bit, and good luck.
     
  3. FlirtyChick

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    I have been with a physically and emotionally abusive boyfriend. Get out know while you can. Once he starts throwing things and breaking things he is almost at the point of getting physically abusive to you. No one is worth living in fear from violence, no matter how much you think you loved them.
     
  4. Dreama

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    Leave, please! The third musketeer in my group of friends got killed by a raging husband-Do not put up with any kind of abuse. If he's in a rage, he might not be hitting you now, but if he thinks you will put up with it, he might eventually start hurting you. Please, please GET OUT!
     
  5. Firecracker

    Firecracker New Member

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    You need to get out now! He's escalating!

    I was in an emotionally/mentally and verbally abusive marriage for almost 7 years. He wanted everything done his way, he demeaned me, called me names, embarrassed me in public and around our son. I felt like I could do nothing right. I was his scapegoat. He controlled all the money and dished it out sparingly. We divorced in February '07 and we share joint custody of our son. I do worry about his impact on our son but our son has to go to school in one place and also I don't have the financial resources to look after him full time.

    I'm still suffering from the after effects of his abuse. At first I got into a relationship with someone who was neglectful. Now finally, I am with someone whom I am incredibly happy with. We both have our issues but we are working on them together and he is also going for counseling.


    Call the number of your local woman's shelter. They will tell you what you need to do next. Make sure you have copies of all important documents such as bank statements, birth certificates, etc... You need to get out before he hurts you.

    No one has to put up with that sort of abuse. He needs to go for help before he hurts you or himself.
     
  6. Bittersweet

    Bittersweet New Member

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    But he tells me that i make him mad by doing certain things or by saying things he does not like and then tells me i deserve what he does. Its ok for him to say mean things and if i try to tell him he hurts my feelings he says it is my fault. It is my punishment for not doing right. he also tells me to leave all the time. He acts nice and says he loves me, and does stuff for me. Then he gets mad and tells me I am ungreatful and selfish. Maybe i am the one who is wrong?
     
  7. Dreama

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    Don't you dare for one second think that you're in the wrong here. Not for one damned second, girl! You can't make a person mad-they can only make themselves mad, because they make the decision to control or to not control their anger/attitude and response. This guy has a major problem. You need to get out. He's playing mind games with you, hun. It's all about control. If he can make you think you're wrong, he can control you. If you can't even figure out what it was that you might have done, you definitely haven't done anything. Please, leave that psycho.
     
  8. Bittersweet

    Bittersweet New Member

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    I told him he was acting like a jackass and being not reasonable. I shoundnt have done that. But he was being mean and yelling at me. He always thinks I am doing something wrong. Plus, we have a kid, and I dont want to leave my kid.
     
  9. Dreama

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    Don't leave your kid there. That sounds dangerous.
     
  10. wrathofjade

    wrathofjade New Member

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    Get the hell out. It is a seriously abusive relationship. The fact that you even question it should be enough to let you know that the relationship is NOT good. A big part in abusive relationships is making the woman feel like it's all her fault so he has an excuse to act the way he does. It is NOT okay for him to say mean things to you and it is not okay for him to tell you what to do. Take your kid and leave before it gets worse and he starts beating on you.
     
  11. Bittersweet

    Bittersweet New Member

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    He always says he is sorry, but threatens me if i do not give in to his demands. I love him so much, but he makes me scare. One minute he is loving and kind, and the nect he is not. I just want tobe done with all the pain.
     
  12. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    You need to understand a few important things:

    First of all, your SO's behavior is abusive. It doesn't matter that he's never hit you. Threatening and verbal abuse is just as damaging (sometimes more so) than physical abuse. Many of us posting regularly on this forum have been in abusive relationships so we know what we're talking about. I lived with a verbal abuser/manipulator/habitual cheater for years and like you, I made excuses for his behavior because he manipulated me into believing that his poor treatment of me was my fault.

    Secondly, your SO's behavior is not normal. A normal, loving boyfriend/husband does not make demands of his girlfriend/wife. It's is especially abusive for him to threaten her and punish her if these demands are not met. You haven't specified in what way he has threatened you, but he shouldn't be threating you in any way.

    Thirdly, it is very common for abusers to eventually apologize for the abuse. Often the apology is phrased in such a way: "You just made me so mad. Why do you have to do these things?" Again, this makes it seem like it's all about you, that you somehow make him into a monster and that he on his own isn't capable of doing such things. Usually they apologize and swear that it will never happen again. Of course we believe them because we desperately want to believe that they will change, see the error of their ways, and eventually become loving, supportive partners some day. Understand that this is a fantasy and that he will never ever change.

    You need to understand that you must to whatever it takes to get yourself and your child out of that relationship. Get yourself out of his manipulative and abusive sphere. Once you're outside of it and away from him then you'll be able to see him for what he truly is.

    Best of luck to you.
     
    #12 Puss_in_boots, Oct 28, 2008
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2008
  13. dyingtoknow

    dyingtoknow New Member

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    well, i really don't have any advice but i am going through pretty much the exact same thing and i am really sorry that you have to deal with this b.s. i know the feeling of loving someone fully, not wanting to leave but scared to stick around it really sucks!!
     
  14. FlirtyChick

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    Girls, you have options. You can leave. If you cannot afford to leave, go to a shelter. If you have kids, take them. I was in a physically and mentally abusive relationship for a loooong time, and we were not even married. Trust me, if you stay if will only get worse. Call your local abuse hotline. They will help you. Leave without anything but your kids if you have to. Possessions are not important, and women are not possessions.
     
  15. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Wow. From what I've seen, emotional, verbal, and physical abuse never change. They may disappear for a while if you insist and threaten to (or actually do) leave the person...but the causes of this kind of behavior never seem to go away and always re-surface. I agree that criticism, namecalling, threats, and other forms of verbal abuse are forms of control, and that actual physical abuse never seems to be far behind. We feel sorry for these people because we know they probably can't help the way they are. But, for women in particular, it's not that hard to end up dead from someone who has an abusive streak they can't control. Only you can assess your situation, but if the relationship is bad for you I think you know what the right answer is.

    BD
     
    #15 BassDude, Nov 4, 2008
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2008
  16. FlirtyChick

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    Yes, abuse never changes. But victims of abuse have issues all thier own to overcome. Until a parent, a lover, or a friend has hit you, and told you how stupid you are, or held a gun to your head, you will never know how it feels. Try being afraid to sleep, and having a knife under your pillow. Try being afraid to stay at the grocery for more time than "he thinks" it takes. Try to have friends, and be close to your family. Wear long sleeves in the winter to cover your bruises....that is abuse....
     
  17. loveit247

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    Oh girl! Run away before it is too late. You don't have to leave your child. You are the mother, the child goes with you. You are describing my ex. Guess what, he hit me eventually. I made the same excuses as you did. Please please please run before you are damaged for life.

    I went through extensive therapy, am on medication and can still barely think normally. What he did to me is what is going to happen to you. He does not love you, you do not love him. You need him because you have become a junkie to the highs that follow the lows. GET OUT!