How to make him turn to me?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by care_forchat, May 10, 2004.

  1. care_forchat

    care_forchat New Member

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    im 24 m. i never had sex b4 with anyone. and all of the sudden, im crazy about my best friend who is a guy of 23 yrs. i tried to hug him twice and kissed once. he moved away and dint talk about that later. im not sure about his sexual orientation. how can i make him turn to me or how can i know about his sexual orientation. :ugh
     
  2. Giancarlo

    Giancarlo New Member

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    You just have to be careful.. he might be offended...
     
  3. Logger

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    Dear Chat,

    Welcome to SF. Hope you feel comfortable with discussing your questions further.

    Basically, this post expands on what Giancarlo said more succinctly, simply and directly.

    What does your friend like to talk about? It sounds like your communication and listening skills could be expanded. Have you considered finding training in communicating? I needed a course when I was your age. What would you like to happen? What indications has your friend given you about his sexual orientation ideas? What does he say when an attractive woman walks by? What about a muscular, trim, handsome fellow?

    Are you residing in a particularly liberal town? For a practice that is not widely or universally accepted, it is often best to have a support group of people who support the practices you have in mind. What support group do you have now for the sexuality you propose? How could you expand your support group? Gay Bars? A Liberal Church? Unitarian? Metropolitan Community?

    If your friend were to go along with your ideas, do you plan to keep it secret? From your parents? From his parents? From other family members? Who in his family structure might be homophobic, or otherwise have an adverse reaction to discovery? If you plan to keep it secret, what is your plan? What are the possibilities of discovery? Of suspicions being raised?

    In the past, homosexuality was viewed as a security risk, as a secretly homosexual person would be subject to blackmail by anyone who discovered the secret. Theoretically, that is no longer a security consideration. But the concern raises the issue of how you plan to handle potential threats of diclosure, if you do plan to keep it seret.

    Classical Freudian Psychology explains Homosexuality by certain events in childhood. These ideas have been largely discredited, as unreliable, and not all-inclusive. But I have not seen them posted in ths forum. Classical Freudian Psychology coud be a topic of dicscussion, to bring up the ideas to your friend. I decribe Freud's theory here, not because the Theory is so acurate, but rather to function as a conversation topic starter, for you and your friend. Freud theorized that tilt toward homosexuality was caused by a traumtic event for a man, while in childhood. The event involved the individual's mother striking the father, in a forceful manner, and for the father appearing helpless.

    Your own decision on acting on a sexual orientation could bear some talking out, in itself. Do you plan to be openly Gay? Bisexual? How will your sexual orientation affect your earning power and employability? Your Inheritance? Support now available from family members? Do you have any women friends with whom to discuss these issues? Are there any reliable massage parlors or excort services anywhere accessible, that could relieve your stress heterosexually, to see if your desire for your friend remains strong?

    Have you discussed going to a strip club with your friend? What types are available in your area? What movies does he like?

    Your post raises a number of interesting questions. I hope your find joy happiness.

    Blessings
     
    #3 Logger, May 15, 2004
    Last edited: May 15, 2004
  4. care_forchat

    care_forchat New Member

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    Dear Logger,

    Thanks for your reply.

    I know that his explicit words are about girls. but i found sometimes that he said "smarty" on some sexy guys. But, I've never think that someone else is smarter than him.

    We've all sort of gropus available in my place. but we both are from orthodox family, that we dont even prefer to smoke. not only for our family. but personally too.

    As I dont have any clue about his thoughts, I dont have idea about my family. My brother is a doctor. so, he can understand what i feel. so, atleast one in my family can understand me. so i dont mind what others feel. And I do keep it secret as far as i can.

    No one can threat me. afterall, i least bother about anyone else in my life, but those I love.

    I want to keep this as a personal affair between me and him, but no one else, and so i dont need a group or anyone.

    I can be, if whom I like, my dearest, can.

    He likes any kind of movies, not so sentiment or romance, as I prefer.

    But now, all i wanted to know is, how to make sure that he prefers to be a gay/bi, though I have a doubt about him. But, he's always a little straight forward. but, why he still continues my relationship, even after im trying to behave so, as i told in the forum. im clueless. gone crazy about him. I am a outstanding guy in my classes/workplace. but sometme, I hardly take better responsibilities in my way, as I dont want to miss to meet him, on his way home.

    Confused,
    Care.
     
  5. Logger

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    Dear Care,

    It does not seem like you are confused at all. It seems like you know what you want, and you are going after it.

    Perhaps your question is more how to go about seduction? What are your preferred avenues of seduction? What are your secondary choices? What actions do you wish to avoid?

    Where can you spend quality private time? What would ideally be located in your choices of places for quality, private time? How can you make those arrangements? What is going to work best for him? Have you looked over all the Foreplay Posts? How do you envison the stages of foreplay? I get rejected all the time when my wife pushes me away. How will you handle being pushed away for a particular approach? How long will you wait to re-approach? Why worry about fathoming his sexual orientation? Just sharpen up your seduction skills. How are your massage techniques? Esalen. org has a good massage instruction tape.

    Before you start an approach, just have in mind how you will gracefully change the subject if your friend is not ready, for whatever reason.

    Pornography ordinarily gets me hot. What pornography choices do you have? What type of porn do you want to try first, Second, Third? How will you know what is working? Maybe buy a girl Doll and play with the doll in your private location. What lubricants do you like?

    In the Masurbation section, there are some threads with guys who like compay for jerking off. Watch some hot videos, and ask him if he minds if you jerk off. Is that a start? Maybe just have some fun, and leave the serious questions for chance or happenstance.

    Sounds like fun.
     
    #5 Logger, May 17, 2004
    Last edited: May 17, 2004
  6. care_forchat

    care_forchat New Member

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    And the confusion is...

    Dear Logger,

    Thanks for your reply. Sounds practical. :(

    But there is a difference between being rejected by someone, whom actually wont reject us always. I mean, you said your wife rejected you at times. But in my case, being rejected, is a big deal. isnt it?! ???

    Im just trying to by-pass that situation. May be, looking for a chance of happenstance. But I cannot seduce as I already tried it twice, the root of my confusion, how to proceed. Also, seduction is not my aim. But, having someone close always, though I dont prefer anything more than foreplay. AS OF NOW ;) .

    So, I dont even wanna wait for chance, if at all, Im sure that he's not a gay or bi, but straight. But if not, I can do anything, even talking to him directly.

    Also, You know, he still meets me, almost daily, in my home as we live alone, far away from our family. And I never let anyone come to my place, for any reason. A lonlier home in the planet, though there are 2 to share the happiest moments at times. I just dont want to spoil it too. And thats the confusion here.

    And so, waiting to know, whether I get what I wanted. What I wanted to know first. And everything next.

    :( ,
    Care.
     
  7. Logger

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    Dear Care,

    Perhaps you will be able to think of some baby steps. How is your shoulder Rub? There is a training tape, called Seated Massage, that gives a number of informal massage techniques, that do not involve stripping down the person receiving the massage.

    Put your thumbs on the muscles leading up to the neck from the shoulders, and put your finders on the front of the muscle. The formula is to squeeze for 3 to 5 seconds, and release you pressure. The muscle will release a relaxing chemical into the bloodstream after each squeeze. Then put your thumbs on the muscles on each side of the neck bone. Do not touch the bone part, only the muscles in the channels alongside the middle of the neck bone. Then down along the spine. The lower back muscles are more errogenous, so leave them alone for a while.

    You could just have your focus on providing whatever pleasure and support you might have to offer. If it is enough, great. Being a trustworthy friend, whatever happens, may be a higher calling.

    It is recommended that when you are young, that you squirt everyday to keep you prostrate fluids cycled out. What visions do you use to masturbate? I used pictures of girls kissing each other. I didn't know about my prostrate, but I needed to keep my drive in line, by masturbating every morning.

    When I was young, I did not understand about giving love. Try to work on the concepts of just being supportive.

    Blessings
     
  8. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    I feel you are expressing one of those false beliefs about guys, "if he is not interested in my then he must be gay". Straight guys, believe it or not, do not walk around with a perpetual hard on for women and ready to jump any woman who showed a bit of interest in them.

    In you posting you stated the two of you are friends and I am willing to bet you share allot of your personal life with him? Guys respect and cheerish that type of friendship. My guess is if you have shared allot of your personal life with him he does not want to hurt you and wants to be a bright spot in your life.

    Most guys will not ruin a close friendship with a woman so that they can sleep with them. My guess is that is not showing interest in you because he respect your friendship too much. The question that you must ask yourself is, are you willing to risk your friendship in an effort to take your relationship with him to the next level. If your friendship with him is too important then I would advise not pursuing it any further. However if you are interested in pursuing him then you need to let him know more than a few subtle gestures. Plus you will have to be upfront with him about your interests. Trust me he know that you are interested in him but you will have to take the lead by talking to him about your intentions. Also you will have to reassure him that you are willing to take that risk and let things go where they may.
     
  9. Dreama

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    I think, though this may be too direct a solution, that you should talk to the guy about how you feel. If you like him this much, just talk to him about it. You don't want to seduce him, or he'll feel like you are not interested in a non-sexual relationshipm, or that your encounter was a one-night stand. Express yourself to him, and leave it to him to take it or leave it. You can't force someone to accept you for a lover, but you can at least put the situation on the table. No matter what you do, rejection is a possibility. So, why not just go for it.
     
  10. HerHubby

    HerHubby The SF Poet Laureate
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    I agree with yorkiesmurf above. Some guys don't walk around with a perpetual hard on ready to jump any woman. As it happens, I am married. When I have seen pictures of Puss in Boots, Rose, pirouette and others on SF, I have felt my breath taken away by their great beauty and sexiness. If I was ever in their presence, I would be trying to hide my growing erection and trying not to stare. Even so, I would manage to hide it and would be faithful to my wife to whom I have always been faithful, always will be and whom I find beautiful and sexy above all other women. Even so, let's rewind the VCR or reverse the Tivo back to when I was 23. Back then, I was so shy and unsure of myself (I am a heterosexual, I mean that I was just unsure of how to develop relationships with women even though I was very strongly attracted to them) that a woman would have had to have "jumped my bones", yanked my pants down while screaming "FUCK ME" for me to feel confident enough that she really wanted me. Back then, if a woman had agressively pursued me - and one did at one point and we did end up in bed - she could have easily had me. As for homosexuals, both with gay guys and lesbian women, back when I was in my early 20s, things were a lot different for them. They had to be a lot more careful. Nowadays, things are much more open, however, like Dreama said above, you eventually will have to try to talk to the guy and start getting some idea about how he feels about it. Back then occasionally I did approach a couple of women only to find that while they thought that I was a nice guy, they were interested in others sexually but not interested in me sexually. You may find that they guy is interested in you as a platonic friend but not as a lover, if he is gay, or if he is not gay, he may not want to hurt you but also not be interested because he is heterosexual. If a homosexual guy showed sexual interest in me, although feeling that he had very bad taste by being interested in me - ha, ha - I would be kind and polite, gently letting him know that "thanks for the compliment, however, I am not gay and not interested in a sexual relationship with you". If a woman approached me, I would do the same, kindly, gently although, of course, a woman would be very tempting to me whereas a guy would not." I have known of heterosexuals - either the guy turning down the woman or the woman turning down the man - getting very nasty and rude when someone expresses sexual interest in them. I have also known of heterosexual people, of either gender, getting really mean and rude when a homosexual person expresses interest in them. There is really no excuse for that, no need for that. Just a simple, kind, polite, "thank you for the compliment but I am not interested" should be graciously given and graciously received and heeded no matter what the case, no matter how much the disappointment. One thing that our nation, in fact, the whole world, needs to do is develop good manners and kindness to others even when turning them down for something. Yeah, I know that makes me sound like "Miss Manners" or "Dear "Abby" or the Pope, however, it is true, nevertheless. Oh, by the way, in my book, in my humble opinion, if a woman turned me down TWICE, I would take that as a sure sign that she is just NOT interested in me sexually. Whatever his orientation, I would risk a guess that he "just wants to be friends" and leave it at that enjoying friendship with him, if that works at all for you, or breaking off with him if it doesn't. Believe me, in addition to having gone through such things with people, I have sat around in many a "bull session" (talking out various personal concerns and the meaning of life, etc.) with guys - nonsexually of course - over the years and have seen many situations when the guy just needs to "cut bait", as fishing enthusiasts would say, and sail on elsewhere. It's never a happy thought, however, it is at times the reality of the situation. Best wishes to you whatever happens and PLEASE (as I would say to heterosexuals as well) be CAREFUL about diseases! I don't mean to be insulting, I mean it in a very kind way. Back in the day, whatever someone caught, if they got an STD, it could be cured with some antibiotics and all you'd have to do is just gripe about it. Nowadays, men and women can get stuff which can KILL you or at least make your life very miserable if it doesn't kill you! Some people, gay and straight, just don't care and keep on having sex no without feeling concern that they may be infecting and ultimately,in some cases, killing many other people. Well, anyway, best wishes to you. Take care.
     
  11. Joe

    Joe
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    There were a couple years in my life when I was having sex with almost any woman who was agreeable to it, but even then there were a few lady friends who I just didn't want to get sexually involved with, despite their urging. For me they were great friends with whom I was happy to spend time, dine out, dine in, travel with, gamble with, but NOT have sex with. My thinking was that if we crossed that line they would want a commitment that I couldn't give them. They would be hurt, and the friendship would come to an end.

    While I'm sure they didn't, they should have seen my refusal to have sex with them as a compliment of sorts. I thought too much of them to use them for casual sex. Thinking about it now, had any of them told me they didn't want a romantic relationship but just wanted to jump my bones now and then, they'd have probably ended up in my bed.
     
  12. HerHubby

    HerHubby The SF Poet Laureate
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    Joe, you oughta write a book and a movie should be made of your life! ;>