How to handle hard break up's?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by itsnikki, Jan 25, 2005.

  1. itsnikki

    itsnikki New Member

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    Recently I just broke up with my bf of 1 year and almost 2 months. :(
    Here is how it all started...about 2 weeks ago, he told me that he wasn't sure if he really loved me anymore or if it was just that things changed and we needed to work through them or what..he just wasn't happy anymore, and I don't think I really was either, I just liked to think that I was. So, anyway, 2 weeks went by and I made myself think that things were getting better, but they really weren't. So a couple days ago we were driving in the car and he hadn't been acting normal all day, so I asked him what was up, he told me that he just thought that we grew apart. Now, this is something really hard to take...we love eachothers company, but we just don't have that feeling of love there anymore. How are we supposed to be friends.
    Just to get an idea of how things were I will write the letter he wrote me as sorta a final thing. It's a tear jerker...
    "Hey, I'll give this to you to read while I'm reading your note. I just want you to always remember that the times we had will be with me forever and they were some of the best times in my life. It'll be a while before we can finally settle in as friends instead of a couple and things are going to have to change and we'll be spending less time togeather, but it doesn't mean that we can't tell eachother things and trust eachother anymore. If you ever have a problem I want to be given a chance to help out with it. We'll be able to take what we've learned in this relationship withus forever and it will help us so much in life. We'll always look back and remember us as people that were happy in the moment and didn't care about much else. I hope that when you grow up you'll be able to look back and remember us and maybe crack a smile for us, because I know I'll be able to. But it sure isn't over with our friendship though, we have alto of memories to mke yet! I hope we can make alot more still and that when I do get old and reminesce about us I'll still think of you as the Nikki I'll never forget."
    So anyways, I just am wondering how to deal with this...I think that I am so afraid that we will loose our friendship that I am afraid to be myself and express my feelings anymore. I am very thankful that there is a forum like this to get other ppls outlooks on things. I know that when we were togeather, it felt better than anything...and the hardest thing to comprehend is that breaking apart feels right also. If you have any imput on how so keep from getting so down, I could use some. Thanks!
     
  2. blade

    blade New Member

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    i honestly think that if u two want to be friends then it can really happen...my ex and I r still friends and tell each other everything.

    Getting over a break up is a really hard thing to do especially if u have alot of history...but it sounds like you two had the same thing in mind..that u both grown apart...etc...there was no fighting involve, so u sorta just ended it ona good note....but either way a break up is a break up and no1 expects u to get over it and become friends right away.

    Things take time and wounds heals a year wasnt wasted, hopefully u feel it was spent happily and even though it didnt end with "ever after" you know what u want and can move on.

    Im sure u two had built some sort of foundation b4 dating-like a friendship and just because u lost a boyfriend , doesnt mean u have to lose a friend also. Good Luck
     
  3. kbate

    kbate New Member

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    Friendship following a relationship is always a tenuous proposition at best. I avoid it.

    The line in the letter "I hope that when you grow up" is an indicater that either you are very immature, or he considers you to be immature.

    Give it 6 months without contact or calling and see if you have the desire for friendship at that time. Get a new bf during this time. If after 6 months, you still have a desire for his friendship, call him and say "hi" pretend as if nothing ever changed, and move on. If you are doing just fine without his friendship, lose his number, forget him and move on anyway.
     
  4. Logger

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    Dear Its Nikki,

    Since you are recently broken up, I will post from the standpoint of getting back together. I tend to try to give comments intended to support continuing a relationship.

    You do not mention any real problems with BF.

    There are two types of Love. Agape, alturistic, long term love, and the feeling of love which is like infatuation. Apparently your relationsip is beyond the infatuation stage.

    You do not mention how you interact with each other's emotional needs. You do not mention how you set boundaries. You do not describe problem solving discussions. If BF is being polite to you by not telling you what is going on, that is damaging your relationship.

    Tell BF that it is apparent that he is falling out of Love with you, and that you want some discussions with him to see what can be done to improve the relationship. Tell him, because you love him, you want him to be responsible about realtionships, and there will be times in any relationship, where things are on the down cycle. To be a good lover, you need to get your BF to tell you what he wants. If you decide you don't want to try to meet his needs, after you find out pretty well what he wants, then it might be reasonable to split up.

    By way of reality, it sounds to me like ther might be another woman. Can you assert yourself in arguments with BF if there is another woman? I have posted with women who have gotten their man back from another woman, it is not an easy battle. Are you ready to demand that BF make reasonable steps to work things out with you, rather than just letting problems slide then hooking up with another woman?

    Infidelity hurts. It is nice that he wants to help you out if you have a problem, you can go to him. His real obligation is to tell you what he wants from you, and find compromises so you and he can get your needs met. Companionship is one need. Read the relationship building ideas on marriagebuilders. com. I'll try to remember to check your thread. If you have any doubts, I can usually come up with more ideas.

    Here is a rant for you, to BF, "Hey Asshole, I did not put out for you for a year, for you to just dump me like some garbage. You had better come up with some more specific reasons than that, "We just grew apart." You better make a list of what you want from me, and what you are going to try to do better, and we are going to be having some serious discussions about what you want, and how I can better support you. I have been true to you, or at least discreet with our relationship, over this period of time, and I deserve more consideration than just, "SO LONG." Let us sit down and have the hard discussions. You are holding feelings and ideas back from me, and I want to hear them. If we can't work it out after we talk, then maybe we should break up. But is is Wrong to break up without having the difficult conversations, so let us get started on what you are holding back. Let's meet at _____ and have a discussion about our problems and differences. Is your pencil in your pocket, or are you already playing around?"

    Blessings
     
    #4 Logger, Jan 28, 2005
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2005
  5. Logger

    Gold Member

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    Dear Its Nikki,

    Here are the 10 emotional needs:


    MB Emotional Needs:

    Affection
    Sexual Fulfillment
    Conversation
    Recreational Companionship
    Honesty and Openness
    Physical Attractiveness
    Financial Support
    Domestic Support
    Family Commitment
    Admiration

    Where is the ebb and flow of your relatiship withe each partner?

    I BF a Walk Away Joe? That was in a son, He is just a Walk Away Joe, Good Riddance.


    Can you go off on OW? Other woman, if there is one? "I don't appreciate your stealing my man. Did you encourage him to break up with me, because he says he still wants to be my friend. Did you tell him to let me know he has another woman? Or jsut keep sneaking around? Is this how your mather taught yo to get a man, to steal him form another woman? Do you really trust this son of a bitch? Does your boss know what a Slut you are?"

    Just some flows. Kbate may be correct to just let it slide.

    Blessings
     
  6. itsnikki

    itsnikki New Member

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    Ok here is the thing, two weeks before we did break up we did talk about it, and neither of us really wanted it to happen, but we did both realize that is wansn't right. I talked to him tonight becuase we have alot of the same friends and we were at the same place, and earlier this week i had asked him if he wanted to hand out. Well I told him that he has been givining me a cold shoulder all week and not even giving me the time of day, well then he told me that he thinks I think he is some heartless bastard. Then I explained to him that he is one of the most sensitive men i have ever known. He then told me that we just need to live our own lives for a while before we can grow as friends, then he hugged me which was amazing. I think things will be ok, i think i miss the company more than the person so I guess it was a good decision. Thankyou so much for your advice, I just hope that in the end we can be friends and not throw it all away. I don't really want to think we will ever get back toeather because I don't want to get my hopes up. I know there isn't another woman for sure, I just know what happened was right, which makes it harder, but I think I can handle it. I mean it isn't like he died or anything right?..we still have a chance, to remain friends...thanks again!
     
  7. Logger

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    Dear Its Nikki,

    There is a concept called 180 Degree Divorce Busters. There is a book and website, and threads about it on Marriagebuilders. The basic idea is the supposition that the splitting partner has formed the opinion that the partner who wants to stay together, will not CHANGE for the better.

    Therfore, the challenge is for you to find ways to change for the better. Maybe even change, staying even, just demonstrating an ability to change. Change your style of dressing. Exercise. Diet. Go out with friends. Read at the library. There is an unlimited number of ideas. Do not call BF. Call every once in a while. Basically change up. Whatever you used to do, do something different. Be Glamourous. Feel Good about yourself.

    Avoid clinging.

    Jealousy is a card that I don't know how to play very well, and creating jealolusy can backfire.

    There is the concept of standing, which means that you decide when it is over, and it is not over now. "So I am being faithful not going out, and I am waiting for you too be reasonable, fair and intelligent. And Yes, I would like you to stop being a creep."

    What else did he say in your talk. "I think you are unfair by not setting out some more specifics."

    You will probably know what to do.

    Blessings
     
  8. itsnikki

    itsnikki New Member

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    I just want to let everyone who has been reading the forum know what has been going on the the dating aspect of my life lately. I finally let go, but it took a while. I started talking to an old friend from highschool about this because I remembered he went through a hard break up just a year ago. At first we had no intentions of becoming a couple, then after talking for about 3 months we decided we were wanting to become more than just friends. I am very happy right now with this relationship, and in some sort of weird way I don't think that my new b'f and I would be togeather if I hadn't had my past relationship. Thankyou for all of your advice, and I hope that if anyone else goes through a hard break up like i did that they don't loose hope in themselves, I was close to that, but I made it through and I am happier now than I ever was before! :)
     
  9. Logger

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    Dear Its Nikki,

    Thanks for the update. Kbate apparently gave a better way to go, just back-off completely, and see what happens. Marriagebuilders calls that Plan B. Plan A is trying to be communicative and cooperative. When it appears that Plan A is not going to work, give the lover a letter saying you are switching to Plan B, to no initiation of any contact; not to hurt bf, just to avoid further hurting yourself, from the loss of love you are feeling.

    Glad you have found a good partner and good feeling about yourself. All my ideas for avenues to get back with Old BF may have been of no value, except perhaps to help you realize that no contact was comparatively probably the better option.

    Blessings
     
  10. eyes16

    eyes16 New Member

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    i just broke up with my girlfriend. we were goin out for a year.
    this is how it happened.

    last nite she went out clubbin, she went with her mates and some of mine, i didnt go as i have the flu. it was also her 18th goin out, her bday was a week b4 goin out. anyway, my best mate was there and i txt him sayin 'make sure shes alright, and makes sure she gets home ok'

    i txt this because last time she went out, her mates abandoned her, and she got a taxi back, the taxi driver acted weird, and drove the wrong way, she eventually told the driver to pull over, and then she walked back to mine, obviously she was worried when she was in the taxi, and was upset when she got to mine.

    when i was in bed tryin to get some rest, she rang me at 11 ish at nite askin me if i loved her, i said yes, and then i asked her the same, she said she wasnt sure.
    i got worried and said well if your not sure then whats the point in being together. she started sayin that her mates said somethin, they said we were so different. i said i was really sorry for not goin as i was ill. she knew i was ill as she saw me earlier, and there was nothin wrong between us then.

    i was so confused because for a whole year we were great together,

    so i sent that txt so while i wasnt there and ill at home, my best mate could look afta her.

    anyway, so now i thought she had met sum1 else, so i txt my mate sayin we split up ans has she met sum1 else, me being stupid i accidently sent that to her. now she thinks i dont trust her.

    this mornin, i was on the phone to her sayin that i do, i was upset and confused and wot does she expect me to think after that phone call.

    i have apologised so many times and i really love her, she said she loves me but after last nite she dont think it will be the same.

    what do i do? i have begged her, and we still love each other.
     
  11. Logger

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    Dear Eyes 16,

    Jealousy is part of love. If you love someone you will be jealous. If GF can't handle your jealousy, then she can't handle Love. Seems she could have stayed in with you, if she did not want to kick in your jealousy.

    Going out clubbing is going to kick in jealousy. If GF does not uncerstand Love, then maybe she needs some further thought on the subject of Love.

    Trust is based on checking up. If GF wants you to trust her, more than you do, then she should ask the question, "How can I increase your level of trust in me?"

    Trust is earned. If GF is intersted in more trust, then going out clubbing while you are sick is not the way to increase trust.

    You might say, "I love you, and I am going to be checking up on you, because I am jealous, bu nature. If you want to build up some increased trust, maybe you could phone me once in a few hours, and let me know to feel comfortable."

    You need to let her be free to go where she will, so she wil come back to you, out of love. But she should know that you understand the limits of human nature, and you are going to be cheking up on the woman you love.

    Being sneaky about checking up on GF is less than ideal. Can you find a way to check up on her, without relying on mutual friends? That kind of sucks. You are also letting yourself in for some deception from the mutual friends.

    Blessings
     
  12. eyes16

    eyes16 New Member

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    i wasnt checking up on her, i sent thattext because she rang me up 10 minutes before sayin she wasnt sure if she loved me, this was after a day we spent together shopping, i was so confused and upset, i sent that text because she suddenly said it, somethin must have happened, i know i was stupid as i sent her, i do trust her and i love her. she loves me, but i think she needs time to think.

    has anyone got any tips, i need her to fully trust me again, everythin i say isnt working at the moment.
     
  13. eyes16

    eyes16 New Member

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    would it be a good idea to wright a leeter explaining everythin, everytime we talk she wont have any of it and comes up with somethin else, i theink shes just tryin to pik fights. would a letter b a good idea?

    please answer quick as i think its a good idea, that way she can argue with the letter. and she can see whats happening.
     
  14. eyes16

    eyes16 New Member

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    well an update, i wrote the letter explaining everything, saying im sorry, and that i love her, and were back together, im so happy.
     
  15. Logger

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    Dear Eyes 16,

    Glad things worked out, in spite of some of my ideas being incorrect.

    Letters are recommended in some situations, in particular where actions could be misunderstood.

    MB Marriagebuilders. com recommends a Plan B letter and a No Contact letter. Plan B is cutting off communications, even though Love is alive. No Contact is a promise to avoid contact with another person with whom an Emotional or Physical affair has gotten blatantly out of hand.

    I should prepare more Love Letters myself.

    Blessings
     
  16. itsnikki

    itsnikki New Member

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    Wow, i have been so busy w/ the new bf i haven't been up-dating.... i am still very happy!! I have talked to the old bf and now we have been able to regain our friendship...it will never be exactly the same but, if you ever fell like you just aren't meant to be with a certain person for the rest of your life you need to let go and know that it is possible for that person to still always be your freind and be there for you. :) I am so lucky to have foung my new bf:)
    Bless you and all ,and may you all live in happiness