How to get a man to open up?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by CatlinAnn, Jul 22, 2005.

  1. CatlinAnn

    CatlinAnn New Member

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    I'm new here, Everyone seems so open i was wondering if i could get some opinions on this problem i'm having. I have been married for 11 years. We've always had a good sex life. Since talking about sex stressed my husband, made him blush and so forth, i never pushed the issure too much. arlier this year, he started taking Lexapro (it's for anxiety). He lost is sex drive. Instead of talking to me about this, he did some stupid things. He thought *I* was the problem, and that he didn't desire me(I found this out this past weekend). Anyway, Out of the blue, he starts saying stuff while drinking about 3somes and swinging. I told him if he had something to say, say it sober. He told me he wanted to do things, with others. He had gone so far as to set up an account on an adult site to meet people. At first he tried to say it was for us both, but his profile said he wanted to meet people 1 on 1. I was shocked, before we'd always had a good sex life, had it often. I cried, he cried, said he was sorry, that he loved me, but he just wanted to try other stuff. We were closer for a couple weeks, then he got hmm, where he was taking his frustration out on me. Suddenly, my skin color was ugly, things i had no control over. I'm heavy, but i ALWAYS have been. I've been working on the emotional reasons why i overeat, so when i lose weight, i can keep it off. (Even with all this going on i've lost 35 pounds). He started making fat comments, little digs that hurt a lot. He also would make a lot of comments still about others, not just him doing things, but seeing me with females, or me with another guy. He's always been EXTREMELY jealous, not to the point of being where he won't let me out of the house.. but where he doesn't like me wearing something really low cut. When he said he was sorry, he said when he was a kid, "boys" played together, and he had an interest in exploring that. He said they masterbated, and licked each other, without going to completion.

    This past weekend, i started crying because everything was getting to me, and he said a bunch of things, like he loves me, but if i don't lose weight he's going to leave me (the weekend before he said he'd never let me leave). I told him that i'd never felt ugly til recently, no matter my size. That's when he finally told me he didn't have any desire for me. At first i was hurt, then i thought about it and thought about his meds. I asked him how often he was masterbating, he said none. So he had no desire, it wasn't just about me. I understand that, but i'm still so hurt by everything. He went to the dr and is now trying new meds. But How can i get him to open up? And how much of all that stuff is real wants.. or just stuff he wanted because he was having a hard time getting aroused, and having ejactulation problems?

    I love him very much. I might be willing to try stuff, but my self esteem is shot right now. What's bad is the meds seem to make him less upset, but make him feel like he doesn't care about anything.
     
  2. Eros

    Eros New Member

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    Sorry to hear about all the problems. I am sure you must be hurting a lot. Sorry.

    About exploring other issues (groups, others, boys, etc...) I would think that this would be a poor choice right now. Couples who do this and survive it usually have an intensely strong and good emotional connection. You guys don't right now.

    If the change in meds (or perhaps going off of them) doesn't have wonderful results, it sounds like he may need some therapy. His marked behavior change may be indicative of some deep and strong pain. If he is taking it out on you and holding the real issues in, he and you may benefit from him seeing a professional.

    jmho though.

    Good luck.
     
  3. kbate

    kbate New Member

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    If I want a man to open up, I use a combination of a radial saw and scalpal for the chest and a cranial saw for the head.
     
  4. columbus17

    columbus17 New Member

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    CaitlinAnn,

    You'll have to excuse kbate, she's the resident lesbitch, and she thinks she is in possession of a sense of humor.

    To get a man to open up, all you have to do is ask him to unzip.

    Sorry, I didn't mean to make light of the situation, but it was too easy to pass up. I'm wholly unqualified to address your problem. Maybe Logger will be on in a bit and offer you some advice.
     
  5. longnstrong

    longnstrong New Member

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    i have some depression probelms too but i do not take it out on others.

    do you live with him, it kind of sucks when you are depressed and you are around some who is the total opposite, it can make you feel lonely, or angry. i suggest that when ever he acts like this you give him alot of distance but make sure he knows it isnt because of the sex.

    what you have to realize is that he is probably looking down at himself and he is going to be suspect and not proud of anything he has or anyone that likes him.

    but you also need to ask yourself if you treat him the same way that he treats you, at all about anything, i doubt that though.
     
  6. Logger

    Gold Member

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    Lexapro, for Depression


    Study on effectiveness
    http://my.webmd.com/content/article/51/40714.htm


    Side Effects:
    http://my.webmd.com/drugs/drug-63990-Lexapro+Oral.aspx?drugid=63990&drugname=Lexapro+Oral


    Your husband is not handling the medications well. There are therapists that will help him work through depression without medications.

    Try excercising together. Just brisk walking, even. Get in at least 10 minutes to ease depression. Try every other day, but make it a priority if 3 days has elapsed. It takes longer to get aerobic, but 10 minutes is a start, and sometimes you can go longer.

    I recommend you write a letter to the doctor telling him about all the trouble he has caused.

    These wonder drugs can really screw people up. It does not sound that H was so desparately ill, that weird depression medication was necessary.

    What were the problems that led H to seek depression meds?

    It sounds like H needs to put some thought inito his remarks. The problem is not that H is not opening up, he is not thinking about what he is saying.

    What did this doctor give him this time?

    Blessings
     
  7. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    I would agree with what most of the others say. Counseling is certainly in order. If he won't go with you , go alone. You need to stay in control of your own self-image.

    When people have a low self-esteem, the first course of action is to put down those around them. Obviously, it makes your husband feel better about himself by belittling you. He may be extremely self-conscious about not having a sexual drive. The best way (he thinks) for him to deal with that, is to make it look like it's your fault. And do remember, verbal and emotional abuse often leads to physical abuse. So the sooner you get help, the better.

    The 3-somes and all that talk are probably just talk. He knows you aren't gonna do it, so it helps to add credence to his argument that you are 'undesirable'. Your relationship is far too shaky to be dabbling in that. You would probably be signing your marriage 'death wish' if you participated.

    As Logger mentioned, I would suggest writing a letter to his doctor(s). He is most likely not telling them any of this - after all, he is embarrassed. Doctors need to know ALL the side effects of meds, so they can hone in on the proper prescriptions. Don't sugar-coat anything. Be blunt and up-front. Offer to meet with the doctor, if he/she so desires.

    And exercise is good medicine for anybody. Try to find those 'good' times, when you both are communicating well, and suggest a walk. Don't discuss the problems, just enjoy nature and each other.

    If you are concerned with your weight, join a gym (but do it for YOU, not him). Diet alone will not work for weight loss. Your body simply adjusts to less caloric intake. You have to keep your metabolism up in order to reduce weight.

    Mostly, though, Counseling and get with that doctor! And good luck!
     
  8. CatlinAnn

    CatlinAnn New Member

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    We went to the Dr last Tuesday, I was very blunt about all the problems, even told him he was border line verbally abusive. We have been having money trouble, and he started having panic attacks, feeling faint and stuff. When i told the Dr the problems we've been having he was like "we don't want that" and changed the meds. He was taking his frustrations on not being able to get aroused out on me. Not a good thing, and i'm not excusing his behavior, but at least i understand it and i'm not thinking it's me. He knows someone at work who is on the same kinds of meds but for anger. When he had the panic attack at work monday, they talked about some stuff, about side effects. I think it's helped him a lot. He came home last night, gave me a big hug, and said his friend at work said he had a hell of a wife for not just leaving. It wasn't so mucht hat he didn't care, it was the meds made him a zombie. He didn't care about anything.

    I have been keeping a journal to work on my issues, and i've been writing down how he's been acting, it's better for me to get it out, get less mad and stuff than to just ignore it or reach for a donut. Last weekend, i read him a few parts out of my journal, and he wasn't even seeing his behavior. He started to cry that he was so mean to me.

    I agree about the 3somes, I don't think i could do it ever.. But i couldnt' even think about it until things are stable, and right now they are no where near close. I was sexually abused as a child and don't think i could ever relax with anyone else. At least not just for a "night of fun".

    With the weight loss, I have been working out, and trying to get some new/better hobbies than playing games online, reading and so forth. Trying to be active more all day not just the time when i'm working out. And losing weight is for me. I will never be skinny, but i want to be healthier. My husband used to lift weights. Since starting the meds last April, he's worked out maybe 3 times. Usually he gets up, stays up about 2 hours, takes a nap, goes to work, goes to sleep about an hour after getting home. Hopefully with the new meds he'll go back to normal (get up about 9am and going to bed at 12-1 am).

    Oh, someone asked his new meds.. It's Zoloft. It looks like it's more for anxiety than the other meds were. Since it's only been a few days, i haven't noticed a big change in his behavior, other than what you'd expect about him being aware of how mean he has been. He does seem to be "napping" less. I asked him the other day when he was going to start working out again and he said "when i feel like it". He wasn't being mean like that sounds.. it's that he has no energy. < Not an excuse, we talked about it more and he said he still doesn't feel like doing anything.

    Thanks to all those who answered.
     
  9. -G-

    -G- New Member

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    well it sounds like you are taking the right steps, and for the record - relationships/marriages arent easy. You are one hell of a woman for staying with him after the things he said and did. There needs to be more women like you that understand the value of a relationship and the time and love that go into developing it. It sounds like he really didnt know what was going on with himself and he was taking it out on you. You are one hell of a support for him but just try and take some of the pressure off of him. I can undestand his anxiety because its no secret that many women evaluate a man based on his finances. I think it is very important that you let him know that that doesnt matter to you.

    As for the verbal abuse on his part keep doing what you are doing. He seems so blinded by his emotions that he doesnt even realize how much he is hurting you until you read back what he said. You sound like you have a level head. Just keep using it and one last thing - no matter what he says you need to find peace with yourself. I dont know you very well but from the sound of it you are one hell of a woman and he is lucky to have you.