How to become more than friends...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Maddox, Dec 9, 2007.

  1. Maddox

    Maddox New Member

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    Okay guys, if you could give me a little help... that would be excellent, I'd greatly appreciate it :)

    I have this friend, we've been buddies for about 5 months. I developed a crush on her early on, and it's still there, only I like her more. I know she doesn't like me back, but we're becoming pretty good friends, I'd say. Her grandfather just passed away and I was one of the people who made her feel better when she was down, I guess.

    I told her I had a little crush on her a while back, but she sort of just shrugged it off. Anyway, are there any ways you suggest that I put off a "more-than-friends" vibe? Like... show her that I seriously do have feelings for her, beyond friendship.

    I think that another tough part I may have to overcome is her ex-boyfriend. Me and him are okay friends, I suppose. He was a really jealous guy, and they broke it off half a year ago or something. They still have feelings for eachother, but he's still pretty estranged, and I don't know if he would ever take her back (and vise versa).

    They haven't been together for a long time, but in a way, he treats her like she's his "property" and gets really jealous when she talks with any of her male friends... She wanted to keep a friendship with him going after the relationship ended, but he's always pushed her farther away.


    << If you've seen a couple more of my threads on here, I'm sure you'd notice a pattern... I tend to fall for girls that would be very complicated to be with. *sigh*>>


    I need to show her that I'd unconditionally be there for her, as a friend or a lover. Wether we're dating or in a more open "relationship" of sorts. She's a really cool girl, and I like her. She's becoming one of my close friends... but I wish it were more than that :eek:



    I'd greatly appreciate anything you guys can help with. Anyway, to recap... the areas I'm having trouble in:

    -- Letting her know that I have feelings for her
    -- Letting her know that some sort of relationship wouldn't ruin our friendship
    -- Showing her that I wouldn't be the same asshole her Ex was
    -- Making sure her Ex and Me don't become enemies


    Thanks for any help you can give :bow
     
  2. ctown75

    ctown75 New Member

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    The advice I would give you is just go for it and tell her how you feel,because if you do not the time will fly by and you will wish you did years later,you can always be friends.If she wants to remain friends then find another gal ASAP,but don't stay to long in the friend zone.If you do get to gather actions speaks louder then words so show her you are different over a long period of time then she will believe you.If she is broken up with her ex its over and do not think about him.
     
  3. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    Maybe I am missing some here but based on your posting it does not sound she reciprocates your feelings. Let me recap here in the event I may have missed something

    • She just had a family member die
    • She left a relationship where she was treated as property by her boyfriend
    • She still has 'feelings' for him

    From the sounds of it you are about to treat her like her former boyfriend and worst yet you are beginning to obsess about her. If she does not have feelings for you then there is no way you will be able to convince her otherwise. Furthermore she has just come through a difficult time in her young life and probably the last thing she needs is another relationship. Best thing you can do for her if you truly care about her is let her be, let her get over the death of her grandparent, let her relationship with her former boyfriend resolve itself, and give her the space that she needs. Maybe (and its a big maybe) after things settle down for her in six months to year her feelings for you may change but I woud not necessarily count on it. Instead I would in my honest opinion look for someone else.
     
  4. AnonymousOne

    Gold Member

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    Get the fuck out. Sounds like an emotional disaster in the making for you.
     
  5. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Interesting thread. It sounds like you guys are young, yes? Ask yourself this...do you want it to become "more than friends" just for sex only, or is it more than that. Be honest with yourself. If you have a good friendship with her, then I'd say it's probably not worth screwing that up over sex...you can get sex plenty of other places. How would you feel if you lost her friendship? Would it really hurt, or would you just move on?

    It doesn't sound like she has the same interest in you...but then, sometimes folks hold friendships like this in high regard, and really don't want to risk messing things up. So, maybe she feels the same way about you but doesn't want to let it show? Based on what you've said, it sounds possible to me, but probably not very likely. (Sorry...just my opinion though.)

    If she is this good of a friend, you might want to just talk to her about it? Seriously...if it's a strong friendship, you should be able to talk about things that might be awkward. Think ahead about her possible responses and how you are going to feel with each one. If she says "I'm madly in love with you too", then you're all set. If she says "I just want to be friends", then you should keep her as a friend and look elsewhere for a romantic relationship. If she says "I like you, but I'm not ready for a relationship yet", then you should continue being her friend until she IS ready, because she'll likely come to you first.

    Do you get mixed signals from her? Has she hinted or otherwise indicated any romantic interest in you? If you think she *might* feel the same way but doesn't want to show it, then letting her know how you truly feel might make the difference. If you do talk to her, you might want to make her feel completely comfortable in some way about giving you an honest response. For instance, you might want to tell her how you feel about her, then tell her you'd really like to know how she feels about you, BUT that you'll be happy with any answer she gives you...let her know that if she says "not interested", that you can be happy about keeping her as a friend, if she says "interested" then you have something new to potentially look forward to. Keep it positive and make it comfortable for her to give you a truely honest answer. If you want more than just sex from this girl, then this seems like a good possible choice to me. The ability to actually talk to each other about awkward things is REALLY important if you end up in a long-term relationship with someone.

    If you think you'll struggle with the right words, then write her a letter. Then you can decide whether you want to give it to her to read offline, or sit down with her and read it to her. Also, you could ask her which she'd prefer...to read it and have time to think about it before responding, or if she'd rather talk about it face to face.

    HTH,
    BassDude
     
  6. Barbwire

    Gold Member

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    You can't make someone fall in love with you. Give up and move on.
     
  7. Dreama

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    If you know she's not interested, move on.
     
  8. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    To the point and well said CL. (Your signature is hysterical, btw! :phat) It really doesn't sound like the attraction is reciprocated...if you think that's the case, keep this girl as your friend and find someone else as a romantic interest. In fact, get her to help you by introducing you to acquaintances of hers! If she thinks highly of you but doesn't have any romantic interest in you herself, then she'll likely want to help you find some happiness.

    Ya know, I have two very close female friends whom I have known for 21 and 17 years, respectively. Now, one of them I ended up naked in the shower with once when we were in college (however, nothing sexual actually transpired...we were just completely drunk and not exactly making rational decisions...this was awkward for a couple weeks, but we talked about it, chalked it up to being toasted, and just moved on), and the other one I don't recall ever having any awkward moments with (we both behave well with each other, even if we happen to be alone and completely toasted). Both of these women have demonstrated time and again that they care a lot about me as a person...both of them made it a point to introduce me to female acquaintances that they had when I was single and looking...they've both warned me about things that just didn't *look right* to them, and otherwise watched my back, so to speak. Earlier in my life when I was young and a little "foolishly trusting" (I guess I'm still trusting to the point of foolishness sometimes, in fact), I realized that women pick up on things about other women that us men are simply too pre-occupied to notice. When I met the woman who became my wife, I relied on these two girl-friends to "approve" her...seriously, I would not be married to my wife now if my two most trusted girl-friends hadn't given me the thumbs up on her during our first year or so together. If you can keep your relationship with someone of the opposite sex completely platonic, then some really cool (and useful!) things can come out of that. So, again, I'd say, don't screw up what could be a really good and long-term friendship over sex only nor over trying to get her to embrace something that she really doesn't want. Count your blessings for having a friend of the opposite sex that you can trust.

    BassDude
     
  9. Bluesy

    Gold Member

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    Speaking of "well said" posts...that was excellent advice, BD :tup

    Maddox, you've already made your feelings known (when you told her you had a crush on her), and if you continue to push the issue she's going to wind up feeling harassed and annoyed, and then you'll be left with absolutely nothing. It seems to me that rather than falling for women who are "complicated", you may have developed the bad habit of falling for women who are "unavailable"...and there has to be an explanation for that. Perhaps it's safer for you to get mired in unrequited love, you'd rather do that than take chances with your heart by seeking out unattached/emotionally available women? I know it sounds nutty, but sometimes people are subconsciously drawn to people they know they don't stand a chance with...you're already mentally prepared for the inevitable pain of rejection, so you don't have to worry about taking actual risks.
     
    #9 Bluesy, Dec 10, 2007
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2007
  10. littleguy135

    littleguy135 New Member

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    I've been in this situation before. My advice is be friends and leave it at that. I think you're in that "friend zone" now and she just doesn't look at you as being someone she can date. Just as everybody has said, you should just move on. Stay good friends and continue to be there for her. Who knows, maybe one day she'll realize what a good person you are and change her mind.
     
  11. poster_guy03

    poster_guy03 New Member

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    I think you're too late, you're squarely in the Let's Just Be Friends zone. Move on....
     
  12. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    Maddox, Their is nothing wrong with having a female Friend.
    Keep Her as a friend.
    Now find a Girl Friend.

    Hiker
     
  13. squirtinbunny

    squirtinbunny New Member

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    I agree...you are in the just be friends stage! Sorry:( Keep her as a friend and go find someone new...who knows what the future brings:))
     
  14. Joe

    Joe
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    I'm of the opinion that men and women aren't all that different in how we feel about love and friendship, and the couple close female friends I've had I would not have wanted as romantic partners. In both cases they suggested more, but they just weren't what I'd have wanted as lovers. I was very tempted with one, but I knew how it would end. She'd have wanted more and more, and I'd have eventually had to break it off with her. As we kept it, we're still friends and and there have never been any hard feelings between us. (No pun intended.)

    I suspect your (girl) friend thinks of you somewhat how I thought of these ladies. She's just not romantically interested/sexually attracted, and if that's the case she probably never will be.

    Oh, I almost forgot another close lady friend. I was "interested" in her romantically, but she apparently wasn't in me -- at least not at the right times. At one point she even suggested that we move in together... "as roommates". I didn't think I could handle that. It's been 10 years since I've seen her and we've drifted apart, but at least no one was hurt, and I'm sure we both remember each other fondly.

    In all three cases, I'm glad we remained "only friends".
     
  15. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    Play a tighter hand man!

    Nº 1 No guy in his right mind just gushes out that he has a crush on a girl! Your actions will let her know that soon enough! Women are attracted to strength! Don't be an emotional noodle! Get her alone, and comfortable and offer to give her a back massage! Get her to stretch out! You do the listening! You stand on the higher ground and make wise, tactful questions! Let her talk about her feelings!

    Nº2 Her X is just that! An X! Do not betray your respect for either of them by talking about one to the other! The guy may be smarting from the failed relationship. Keep a tactful quiet with him if you have to see him!