How to approach wife on fantasies

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by kakalingo, Apr 10, 2015.

  1. kakalingo

    kakalingo New Member

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    Hi All,

    I have few things that I'd like my wife to do/try. The super common anal, cum swallowing things.
    I have read tons and tons of threads and sites on the subjects, but I have a different issue. Everybody says that you should talk, alright... I don't know how to approach her (Hey! wa'dup let me fuck your ass please?)

    Shit, I'm in this terrible situation in which:
    1) I suck with words, really do, everything sounds terrible in my head so I never find the right words.
    2) I'm super shy, and are actually afraid that she might think I'm a total pervert and/or psycho.
    3) She is the type of girl that hates porn because "it objectifies women"... so I'm afraid that she sees all non-vanilla sex as insulting for women u.u

    Whenever I've built courage in the past and asked her, she usually says she'll think of it, or that yes, we can try at least once at some point, but on the rare times I bring back those, she says "not today" or simply goes back to the "no way"

    I'd like to ask for your advice on how to approach her. I'd like to approach her (again) on anal and cum swallowing.

    Extra question: I've read about some people that always comes on her gf/wife's mouth, after bj's and even after regular sex, they just pull out and got off on her mouth. Is it common? Sounds hot as hell, and that's another thing I'd love to talk her into, but I feel I have no chance there.

    Thanks!
     
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  2. HotForHoney

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    First, you missed your chance. April Fools Day. You say something crazy and when she shoots you down, you can say April fools.

    As far as swallowing. I think cum tastes gross, won't do it. I've made it known to anyone I've dated. So, no surprises.

    As far as trying new things, start slow. You have to walk before you run.

    If you have a few fingers in her pussy, rub her ass a little with your pinky. Get it wet w her juices, see if you can enter a little.

    Bottom line, if you don't ask you can't blame her for not trying.
     
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  3. 10_3XL

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    ^^What she said^^
     
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  4. HotForHoney

    Gold Member

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    I love it when you agree with me.
     
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  5. billytk1977

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    Couldn't have said it better.
     
  6. billytk1977

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    When my wife and i was talking about anal we discussed it for a while. One day while doggy style i was slapping her ass and then i likked my finger and just rubbed tge outer sphincter, dident take long and she wanted my cock in pussy and finger in ass......good times.

    So far as bed restraints, those are out of the question due to past issues. I respect that. But i would love to find the jerks that hurt her, i would love to take them to school.

    Cum swallowing , all i did was ask her. At first she looked disgusted, but ask me why, i told her the truth. We could find we both hate it, but it could be a huge turn on and enjoy it. I compared it to how i hated sushi, i would walk by those places and smell it and did not like it thus i would not eat it. She is the who convinced me to.try it once, and it was delicious! I would have missed out if i hadent given it a shot. I could have hated it, but i never would have truly known.
     
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  7. skinnyminnie

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    As they said above, communicate. You may be shy but you're married now and you have to find a way to tell her what your wants/needs are.

    Start out slow. Talk to her about anal. Buy the anal numbing cream. Start out with a finger, then a small toy, anal beads, and after that she may be willing to try anal sex. Each time I enjoyed anal I was drunk and extremely horny. So get some wine, light the candles, and hope for the best.

    If she still isn't willing, you may have to give it up. There are lots of things I'm willing to do but some things I just won't ever try. Everyone has boundaries and you have to respect that.
     
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  8. BlueCollar

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    Tell us more about the time you were drunk and extremely horny :cool:
     
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  9. lbushwalker

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    Kaka, real life is not like in the porn world so start with that premise.
    We deal with real people and real situations and are not pre-scripted actors on stage in front of cameras.
    Each couple is different but you sound like you are a little timid and she is the dominant character in your relationship but don't despair because during sex that can totally switch around but you need the courage, mental strength and determination to bring it off.
    Try baby steps towards your goals and develop a possible nascent desire in her to be sexually dominated.
    Patience and persistence will pay off but in the meantime forget the porn stuff or at least stay away from the fantasy that it can suddenly happen to you; it simply won't!
    If you are not good with words then communicate with action and I don't mean in a narrow sense of just sexual matters.
    Good luck!
     
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  10. cbrmale

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    I'm not really into blowjobs and my wife doesn't have a wide enough mouth anyway (most women don't), so I don't have that desire or problem. I wouldn't mind anal from time to time as a change from pussy, but the couple of times I mentioned it there was no chance. If I was going to ask again I would start with there are just so many positions and other variations, and as a change it might be good to try anal and see if we both like it. One of the problems I have is my wife is aware of elements of my past, and requests like anal make her think about me fucking other women's arses, and that makes her feel insecure. It's odd because Africans traditionally have used anal sex as birth control.

    The women I have had anal sex with were experts, and for the novice I can imagine it would be better to start with some anal play and butt plugs to get a woman used to the sensations.
     
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  11. Samanth Smith

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    my so had a lot of fantasies. Some I had never heard of. He was nervous to ask and my initial reactions may not have been what he wanted. I kept an open mind and well now I have so many more fantasies than I ever thought possible.
    I don't like the taste of cum either really but every once in a while I will take his load from him. Other than that its in me or on my face etc. I love to please him and for us as many here say is just talk about it. Start slow and try one thing at a time.
    Good Luck!
     
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  12. travis beck

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    Just be open with her about what you want. I received advice from a great woman that told me I should just be open abouty fantasies. When I did, I was surprised at how open my wife was with most of it. She didn't want to try everything, but it has opened up our sex life. Good luck
     
  13. YouCannotSinkTheSea

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    shes your wife tell her straight up what the fuck you want to do. shell probably like how "shy" you are
     
  14. Doitagain

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    Great answer.

    I have been very slow with mine and slowly she is opening up and contemplating more . And I mean very slow but it's working out , too much too soon is a thing because the fantasies don't just include you or your feelings and desires.
     
  15. ply

    ply
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    Gat her drunk, tie her up and have your way with her.

    Than talk about it with your lawyer.
     
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  16. Hobart Carboys

    Hobart Carboys New Member

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    Why is all this only YOUR responsibility? Doesn't your wife ever express interest on her own? Have you ever asked her to tell you her sexual fantasies? You're on a one-way street if that's the way it is between you. Just come out with it, and say something tonight. You might learn that she's not the woman for you.

    There are all sorts of interesting, beautiful, sexy wonderful women who have lustful thoughts for just one man. Make yourself find that woman and be her man. Dump your wife if she is a wet blanket. She has no right to spoil your libido or your life.
     
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  17. Sagittarius84

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    I don't know if simply dumping the wife is the answer, but I understand the sentiment. OP may just have to accept she is not willing to indulge in his desires, and subsequently make a choice. Chances are if she's not into it, and not shy about telling you why, then it's just not going to happen. And I think she knows she married a meek enough guy to never push her to do such things she's previously deemed off limits. So tread carefully, given her description, he might get walking papers for even mentioning what he'd like to try.
     
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  18. Sleepless

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    @kakalingo Anal is more of an acquired taste, than cum swallowing. I'll do both, but much prefer the latter. TBH I don't get the non cum swallowing thing, but I can understand why some would be adverse to anal. Personally I'd try to open up the conversation over oral first, because if you can't get passed that one you're on very shaky ground with the other. Communication is key no matter what the issue.

    @lbushwalker You talk a lot of sense.

    @ply That's just plain wrong, turn the tables over something your're not happy with and look who'd be crying.

    @Hobart Carboys That's somewhat harsh and short-sighted: she at least needs some encouragement to be more open, you've got to work on it a bit before you give up and move on.
     
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  19. nicelynoosed

    nicelynoosed Member

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    The tired but still apt truth here is that communication is more important than the actual acts you're contemplating.

    I don't know your porn habits, but it seems a lot of people do their fantasizing through porn these days. While that is undeniably intense, porn can be an obstacle too because most of the important work gets done before the cameras roll. For example, except for a few fetish sites, there isn't a lot of screen time devoted to people preparing for anal sex. Oh sure, there are enema and toy vids galore, but I assure you, those ladies (and dudes, no hate here) had already cleaned themselves out thoroughly, lubed up in ways you might not believe, done a bit of yoga, and probably taken an advil or two. There are virtually no sites (except for those fake 'casting couch' ones) that document the pre-sex negotiations and form-signing. Porn makes it look like the most difficult parts are getting ones' pants off and deciding where to ejaculate.

    To open up the communications, the easiest way to begin might be to find ways to make her feel like you have a safe space to discuss fantasies. She'll feel best if she knows that there is talk before a decision is made about what gets shoved into her where, who gets which fluid all over what body part, and whether it really is practical to strap a camera to the donkey's hardon. Most women will be cautious at least about this kind of talk if they're not sure that it's just intellectual, at first.

    I call this the sombrero effect. The story behind the name is that when we had only been dating for a short time, my now-wife (smart, funny, adventurous, and slightly naive back then, before she tricked me into thinking that I had corrupted her) once said all too casually 'you can do whatever you want to me.'

    Boing!

    'Dearest,' I replied 'Never say that to a man unless you really mean it. He's liable to leave for ten minutes and return with a trumpet, a garden gnome, a bottle of olive oil, and a sombrero.'

    I get the impression that most women are already aware of this. In a relationship as opposed to a fling or one-nighter, freakiness follows feelings. First there is trust and caring, and then we invite the college chess team over. We guys, usually seeking validation, tend to be overwhelmed by emotion after depravity. Think not? Ever get breakfast for a girl after a blowjob? Ever make the extra effort to make the house look nice because she had her legs in the air for most of the previous evening? I know that I have.

    So, start with appreciation. Make her dinner or take her out. Get her flowers or give her a massage or mani/pedi gift card. Then, once she is relaxed and feeling good about herself, start to talk. If your words are a problem, use someone else's but make sure that she feels safe first. One good method: Head over to literotica.com and pick out a few stories from one of the top lists. Get a variety and don't have her read your favorite first. Say that you're going to do the dishes or dust or clean the garage while she reads and that you hope the two of you can talk about it when she's done.

    The two of you can then talk about the story and both sides can give their impressions. It's a way to keep it safe but to let the communication open up without expectations. You might be surprised to learned what she wants, too.

    NN