How should I go about this?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by SexFuneral, Feb 25, 2007.

  1. SexFuneral

    SexFuneral New Member

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    My current relationship is really on the rocks. THings are tense, akward and Im confused as hell.

    Long story short I think we need some time apart to see other people. My problem is I have NO idea on how to tell her, I mean its not like I ever thought thisd happen, and its not llike Ive been in tons of relationships.

    Let me have it people, Im gettin edgy, please.
     
  2. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    What do you hope that seeing other people will do versus ending the relationship? If it is not working then it is a good idea, in my opinion to end it, and if it done on good term it might be possible to rekindle things at a later date. Best thing to do is talk to her about your feelings and what you are feeling. Do it in a caring and sympathetic way. Let things go from there and be prepared for a reaction that you were not expecting.
     
  3. Logger

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    Dear Sex Funeral,

    Many men have difficulty identifying what is wrong in a relationship. Many men are ashamed to admit, for instance that a woman is disrespectful to them. It is a contraciton of Manhood, that a woman could be disrepsectful to a man.

    But the truth is, women are not really in tune with giving a man respect. So the man has to ordinarily spend considerable time and effort, explaining to a woman, how she can be more respectful.

    Search Love and Respect. Women want to feel loved, Men want to feel respected. When it is working the love is building.

    Her Needs from her man:

    Closeness
    Openeness
    Understanding
    Peacemaking
    Loyalty
    Esteem

    His Needs for recognition from his Woman:

    Conquest
    Hierarchy
    Authority
    Insight
    Relationship
    Sexuality

    What more do you want? What phrases can you use to ask for the more you want?

    .
     
  4. SexyScorp

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    """But the truth is, women are not really in tune with giving a man respect. So the man has to ordinarily spend considerable time and effort, explaining to a woman, how she can be more respectful"""".

    Not this woman.....and not the women I know!!!!!

    I totally respect my man, even when I think he is in the wrong....we have equal respect for each other....

    And conquest.....what is that all about and Hierachy and Authority......are we talking about relationships here or something else...


    Sex Funeral

    Its really hard man.....but if you prolong the agony, it will get worse...Take a deep breathe and say to her that you need a break at the moment....dont necessarily jump in and say its over. Explain to her that you are going through some changes and need space....ask her to give you a couple of weeks alone time...and then take it from there...

    If you wanna pm please do

    luck to you x
     
  5. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Making changes, especially relationship changes, is extremely hard. Some peole simply can't do it, as they cannot see what's on the other side. They feel it is better to stay in a 'comfortable' zone - a zone they are familiar with, even if they are not really happy.

    The hardest part is just DOING IT. And then sticking to your resolve to move on. It will get easier in time, but remaining in a relationship that you have doubts will ever get better is not serving you (or her) in any way. If i remember correctly, this girl and you had boken up recently before, and you thought it was the end of the world. That's a natural feeling, and you'll probably experience the same thing again. But that's simply part of the emotional ties being allowed to die out.
     
  6. loveit247

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    I would just plain out tell her. When my partner asked for a break it was agony for me. I sat and stewed about it all day. We are now back together after we both implemented some postive changes in our lives.

    But if you honestly feel that you do not want to be with her, rather make a clean break, for her sake. Nothing hurts worse than false hope, if you just severe ties she will heal allot quicker.

    Good luck to you, and even more so, to her.
     
  7. Logger

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    Dear Sex Funeral,

    If you are deciding to break up with your woman, then others have offered support for that decision. The statistics for separations, are not good. The longer the spearation, the lower the chances of getting back together.

    It seems to me that you have not defined what it is that is making you "...tense, akward and (Im) confused..." Rather than throwing the Love of this woman away, I suggest you work to better define what are your needs and her needs, that are not being met.

    As SexyScorp pointed out, your woman probably does think she is being respectful to you. your woman is probably being respectful in ways she thinks you need. Respect for some men is complicated, and individual for each man. I don't presume to be able to define the respect as you need it.

    One problem is that we often expect our partner to understand our needs. We feel that if there was Love, the partner would Know what we feel is important. Often couples tell the partner what they need, but the words are not as clear as needed for true understanding in the male or female perspectives.

    I generally post for staying together. Breaking up has a set of challenges, that others eem willing to support you on.

    Here is a set of needs from Marriage Builders. The idea is that each partner commits to doing a good job on two or three of these issues that arfe important to their partner.


    Affection
    Sexual Fulfillment
    Conversation
    Recreational Companionship
    Honesty and Openness
    Physical Attractiveness
    Financial Support
    Domestic Support
    Family Commitment
    Admiration

    Sexy Scorp asked for a further explanation of Chairs, which describes the types of Respect that men might need.

    Conquest This is respect for what you do as a living, or other challenges you take on. Such as hobbies or sports. Rooting for the Home team, etc.

    Hierarchy This is repect for some people, more than others. Repecting his father, more than his uncle. Respecting the president of the company, more than his immediate supervisor. Respecting his mother, more than his grandmother. There are rank ordering of Respect, that if the woman does not understand, she won't be able to support. A woman can disrespect her man, by contradicing the man's pecking order of respect.

    Authority There are certain areas of a relationship that a man may feel he should be in charge, and the woman take a secondary role. The man will usually take responsibility for the success of the aspects of the realtionship for which he takes more authority.

    Insight Many men read the newspaper, or surf the web, or have knowledgeable friends or watch cable TV or the news, go to church, or study religion, and feel that their opinions and insights are deserving of respect. If a woman contradicts some of the beliefs of the husband, then the man may feel disrespected. So one consideration a woman can give in respect to her man's Insights, is to express her countervailing opinions, in a manner that still respects her man's point of view.

    Relationship A man often needs to feel that his woman will accompany him on certain occasions, and act as his wife at some gatherings. The presentation of the marriage or realtionship to others, and the perception of the relationship, in certain respects can be very important to a man. For instance if a wife decides to go to a different church from her husband, or not accompany him on certain occasions, then this can be viewed by a man as disrepsectful.

    Sexuality read this forum

    There are a number of details that different men will consider important. Many men feel the woman should know these details. The Love and Respect concept is that there is often a lag in communication, between man and woman, and hurt feelings.


    .
     
    #7 Logger, Feb 26, 2007
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2007
  8. SexyScorp

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    Shouldnt that read the respect that PEOPLE need......ya know as in men and women?

    Come on......we are living in the 21st century man!

    Was that stuff written in the 1950s or should that be 1850s, with all due respect it sounds very very outdated...

    """Authority There are certain areas of a relationship that a man may feel he should be in charge, and the woman take a secondary role. The man will usually take responsibility for the success of the aspects of the realtionship for which he takes more authority""".

    Does anyone actually believe in that stuff...

    Why dont you just go the whole hog and say WOMEN ARE SECOND CLASS CITIZENS!!!

    *shakes head*


    oh dear....
     
  9. emerlyj

    emerlyj New Member

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    I have to agree sexyscorp. While it is important for a man to feel he gets respect from his woman it is equally as important for the woman to get the same from her man.
    A relationship is about mutual respect for each other.
     
  10. Logger

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    Dear Sexy Scorp,

    It is true that the differences in needs between men and women have been de-emphasized in recent years by the Feminist Movement. The years of women not having the rights of Men, has created a backlash, so today, it is popular to deny any differences.

    Many men may be hesitant to express their feeling of needing to be in charge in certain respects.

    Here is a link to some videos, I like the Fifth Anniversary.
    http://www.loveandrespect.com/content/clips_of_conference.php



    .
     
  11. emerlyj

    emerlyj New Member

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    I agree with you that women and men have differences and that they have different needs. I also agree that sometimes the opposite sex may not be able to satisfy the needs of the other without it being explained what the needs are. Men and women do not always understand each other. However, the way you are writing makes it appear like you are saying that it is always women at fault when a relationship doesn't work because they are not meeting the needs of their partner and not respecting the man in their lives. Which is definitely not the case, either sex can be at fault.
     
  12. SexyScorp

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    I watched the Fifth Anniversary.....didnt that portray a very dim and cynical view of the female?

    Is that how men see women....?

    I can think of at least two restaurants I would want to go to and would be most happy if my lover surprised me that way....(I have often offered to take him out and surprise him too).

    Do men really see women this way.....i dont think that would be the true portrayal of most women at all...

    Isnt this an outdated stereotype.....

    I think so.......!
     
  13. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    I am following this thread as carefully as I can.
    And I get a feeling that Sexxy and Logger are in disagreement
    As I am not at all following what logger is saying.
    Conquest has no relationship to respect and respect has nothing to
    do with this thread.
    If in a relationship that is not working quit it, She is probably feeling
    the same way as you and doesn't want to bring it up for the same
    reasons that you hate to bring it up.
    Go ahead and break it to her and both of you will probably
    be happier for it.

    Hiker:sf
     
  14. SexyScorp

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    Hiker

    In disagreement for sure......glad a male can see where I am coming from

    The word Conquest to me depicts caveman dragging his woman around uughh uggh....

    :)
     
  15. Elvis

    Elvis Member

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    Respect is a given until a person proves they don't deserve it.

    Relationships rarely if ever exist on a completely even keel, one partner will rock the boat, sometimes without knowing.

    No amount of advice will help, at the end of the day the partnership needs to be worked out by the couple themselves. All couples consist of two individuals trying to coexist and although that may sound obvious, it's often forgotten in the struggle to make it work to the benefit of each individual.
    Man, it's sometimes a battle zone where only the strong survive.
     
  16. Logger

    Gold Member

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    Dear Sexy Scorp,

    I started my own thread, "Wishlist for more respect from Wife"

    Sex Funeral is in medical school, so his interest in more respect may be a change for him, and his partner, as He comes closer to being an MD. No One is speaking up for the GF, as to what more Love she might like to see from Sex Funeral. No one asked about CHAIRS, what women want, that is important to them, that is different from what men want, in general.

    I don't pretend to know what are all the problems with the relationship for Sex Funeral and his long time GF. I tried to give some ideas, that I have been recently studying. It is a fine line between discussing the differences between a man and a woman, and being disrespectful to womanhood.

    Are you willing to ask your husband if he has ever held back asking you for more respsect? Are you willing to ask your husband for a wish list of ways he would like to see increased respect? Are there trick questions you can ask your husband, to see if there is any more respect he would like to enjoy, that he has hesitated to ask you for?

    .
     
  17. SexyScorp

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    haha......

    I am willing to ask my husband anything.....we have a very open and honest marriage...you probably wouldnt believe HOW honest....it is very refreshing.

    This is what we do....

    If I am a little short with him and he me.....we apologise to each other...like i would say "sorry I was a bit of a bitch to you then" or he would say "sorry about that I was being a bit of a bastard then"....

    I also attempt to treat him as I would one of my best friends....but dont always succeed of course....we live together...so thats hard.

    He is younger, open minded and very aware and not at all steeped in old fashioned traditions...

    I dont need to ask him trick questions....I can say to him "do you think I am a bit of a bitch sometimes and talk badly to you".....and he would say "yes but its a two way thing'. Why would I need to trick him....I have lived with him for 18 years....we dont do headgames...no need.

    Logger...we are equals.....we are human.....we dont play games with each other....we dont pussyfoot around with each other. I actually encourage him to let out his anger with me now and then....if he wants to tell me to fuck off, I would not be affronted.....

    I would be relieved....so when needs be I can do that back...we respect each other....there is a strong karmic bond between us. The marriage is nowhere near perfect...but its honest and full of respect......BOTH ways.

    :)
     
  18. loveit247

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    I think what logger is trying to say is that men and women are different, not not equal.
    When dealing with my relationship, I realize that my man, being from a different cultural background then me, does things in a different manner.

    He opens car doors, carries the heavy things, protects me from any situation that might arrise, takes the lead in most things in fact. He makes me feel very safe and protected. I feel no need to fight him on his decisions as he has earned my respect as a level headed person who knows what he is doing. He is the first man I have respected in this manner.

    All he asks in return is that I fullfill my female role. I am a very dominant person by nature, I tend to be agressive too. For the first time in my life I am content. I am happy to take my role as a woman because he makes me feel like a lady. He really looks after me. I feel less conflict in myself and am happier.

    Make no mistakes, he respects me for the person I am, strong and capable. He loads me up with kit when we go camping or diving and never doubts my abilities. Their is a big difference between respecting our natural roles and being a chauvanist.

    Men and women are different and it is easier if we all just recognise that fact for what it is, the simple and beautiful truth. No one sex is better than the other, we need each other because we are so different.
     
  19. Logger

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    Dear Sex Funeral,

    I suggested the Love and Respect analysis of marriage, and also gave the Marriage Builders list of His Needs and Her needs. My reason for suggesting these views of relationship analysis, was because you stated there was "tension." Tension could mean that some issues are there, but probably not well defined.

    There are many ways to evaluate relationships. My suggestion was that you further define what the difficulties with the realtionship. By better undertanding the problems, you can then decide whether, or how, you want to try to fix the problems. Also, if you need a break, or want to stop calling or talking to the lady, you can explain some reasons to her, that might make the separation or break-up more understandable for her.


    .