How many ladies on here have chosen not to have children?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Lusty Dreams, Jul 21, 2006.

  1. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    Sorry for the long title, but I have to ask, to see how I rate.

    I am late 20's and have never had the desire to have children. Everyone tells me that I will change, but I know deep down inside, I don't want any.

    The way I see it, a woman has 2 choices in life: Get married, get pregnant,
    raise kids, never have a real life. Or, get married, don't have children, babysit for friends, and have many fun adventures together, and more money in the bank, etc.

    I hope this post doesn't get looked down on :( I have been married for 2 years (3rd marriage), and this is still how I feel. The first hubby cheated, I left. The second sent me out for dinner, and I came home to a note that said he just wanted to leave out of the blue, and this 3rd hubby is incredible, I love him more than anything in the world, and I feel it is vice versa. We are both only children as well.

    He knew how I felt before we were married. And it hasn't came up yet, but I think he knows how I feel. I just do NOT want the responsibility. I see it happen to my friends all the time. They end up being a maid, mother, wife, cook. And they never have time for themselves, or anything.
    Not to mention the cost of a child these days, and what they are turning out to be--regardless of how they were raised. My hubby really doesn't do his part of the household work now. I do it ALL. Unless I nag and bitch, which I have seen doesn't help at all. So, I just pick up his slack and do it all. We both work 40-50 hour jobs, and have a lot going on in our lives. I really feel he doesn't take the best care of me emotionally anyway, how could he handle a kid??

    I just have no interest in it. I believe it is normal to feel this way. I mean it, NO interest. We already have so many issues, sexual and everything, so I can't see how children could make it better.

    And I get real tired of the comments from family and friends, who feel it is their right to inquire when they please, if and when we are having kids.

    I have seen what pregnancy does to a women as well. All my life I have struggled w/ being fat, and the one that gets made fun of in school. Well, about 5 years ago, I started working out, and made some drastic changes.
    Now, I feel I look great, I went from a 14/16 to a 7/8 :) And I love the way I look! My body fat has went from 33% to 19%! I just couldn't imagine giving it all up again, just to get fat, stretch marks, and be something I am not.

    I need to know if any other women are struggling w/ this. I know it seems like I am selfish. Maybe I am? I just want to enjoy life w/o the hassle of children involved.
     
  2. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
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    Okay, you've been completely honest, and I shall too......

    First, selfish is okay. Knowing what you do and do not want is okay. Bless you for having the insight to know that it won't make a relationship or marriage better to have a child. People should mind their own business and stop asking, but you also have to make them stop asking with a blanket comment such as "I have no intention of having any children".

    I'll admit honestly that there are parts of your post that make me want to take offense or be defensive. However, when I really think about them..... lol..... you're right. I'm thirty one, and going to college now, because I finally decided that my dreams and goals are important. I have the stretch marks and the battle scars of carrying two children, and resent what that has done to my body every day. We have no extra money, and not much extra fun, and I do the work for all of us in the house. Your assessment is right on. It hasn't brightened my outlook on the day, but, this is the path that I chose. There was only one thing I knew that I wanted out of life, and that was to be a mother. There are many many circumstances that I would change if I could, but I wouldn't give them up for the world. They are my reason for getting out of bed each morning, for trying a little harder every day, and for dreaming good dreams at night.
     
  3. pirouette

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    Lusty Dreams,
    This was an issue of debate with my family when I mentioned my husband was getting a vasectomy. After losing my only child shortly after his birth, I was asked constantly about having another! I can't believe the insensitivity of some people! I also recall people asking at our wedding when I was going to have a child. My response was always the same. "If I want a child, I don't need a husband for that! We're actually getting married because we want to be together."
    A lot of people don't seem to understand that the world doesn't revolve around creating mini versions of ourselves. And when I think of all the unloved, uncared for children in the world, I realise how important it is for humans to create their own genetic copy of themselves. What a shame, knowing there are so many little ones who need a family and a good home. I don't mean to insult anyone who feels they need their own children. And at the same time, I wish some of them would realise how ridiculous they sound when trying to convince non-parents to have children. I know they usually mean well, but haven't thought about it from your perspective.
    I feel lucky, having been a teacher for many years. It gave me the opportunity to contribute in the lives of many children. It is a rewarding experience to watch them learn, grow and discover. I also have a nephew, whom I assist in caring for.
    And, in my experience, it is the men who have stayed home in my family to raise children. All of the women in my family have been the bread winners.
    I hope I haven't offended anyone, but wanted you to know that there are like-minded people out there.
     
  4. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    You both have really helped me out here. I appreciate the real feel comments. I was hoping I wouldn't get looked down on or ignored. I have so many different feelings about it. I am in one of those families where values and "old timey things" are a big deal.

    I want to ENJOY my life, and really get out there and get out of it all I can.
    And I feel having a child would hinder that greatly. Then, I would be living out the prime and best years of my life--for them. I KNOW that is so selfish sounding.

    I love seeing kids, and wouldn't mind babysitting, or helping out in a nursery or day care. I would gladly donate eggs to a infertility clinic for free, just to give someone else the chance. I just do NOT want that for myself. And I get tired of hearing people tell me how my "clock is running out" and all that other stuff. But I wouldn't want to have one after 35 either.

    People look at you around here like something is wrong w/ you if you don't want kids. I understand it can be important for every woman to experience being a mother. Well, I do, w/ my hubby, and um, all my unusual critters. My time is very limited right now. I have started schooling again for a great career. I just don't see how some mom's do it.
    They are incredible! Props to all you mothers out there :)

    I have always been a loner, and appreciate my time alone more than people know. I couldn't imagine trading all of the time I do have to be on constant baby watch.

    I do feel like my husband holds a resentment somewhere deep inside that he is not sharing w/ me. I hope he doesn't leave me over this issue in the future. At the dinner party the night of our wedding rehersal, my hubby's dad toasted us, and made a huge comment about all the grandchildren he was going to have. I still resent that too this day somewhat.

    I just know that I can admit that I may be being selfish about this, but I know what I want in my life, and kids are not in the list.

    It feels really good to get all this out to a bunch of mature adults who will listen, and respond w/ their true thoughts. Thanks to all of you.
     
  5. BiBiBaby

    BiBiBaby New Member

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    I want children, there is no doubt in my mind about that. But I know people who don't. My aunt and uncle in particular, they are both in their early 60s now, married for 40 years and no kids. They are both very happy with how they have chosen to live their life, both were quite successful and now as they retire they have the opportunity to travel freely without feeling a need to stay close to grandkids or other things that often tie retirees down.
    They have both been great for my brother and I, and our cousins, and have told us that although they never had their own children they felt fullfillment in helping us grow, and that was enough for them.

    as far as THAT particular comment is concerned. You need to talk with him. SOON! This IS a decision that affects both of you (I know you are entirely aware of that, not meaning to be condescending) and I think that the sooner you get it out on the table for open discussion the better. Let him know that you are worried about him resenting you. If he knew how you felt before you married, its very possible that your just so worried that he MIGHT resent you, that you're taking little things and construing them into resentment.
     
  6. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    That is good to hear about your grandparents BiBiBaby. I appreciate your comment on sharing this.

    I do agree that it needs to come up. I am so scared of bringing this up. It is one of my greatest fears, and I really have NO idea about how to go along about bringing it up.

    If any of you can give me some ideas on this, I need them.

    Here is one thing, that will probably blow most of yalls minds. He knows how freaked I can be about an accidental pregnancy. I take extreme measures. I am on the pill, and I never let him cum inside me. I know how everything down there works, and the small chances of it happening. But if he is aware of this, knowing how I feel, why should it be such a surprise to him anyway?

    I fear a huge arguement and lots of hurt feelings. But I know we have a desperate need to talk about it.
     
  7. Krof

    Krof New Member

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    I don't understand why this is such a big issue. If you don't want children that's it, why do you need to make up a whole list of reasons not to have children? Why does it make you upset when other people expect you to have children? Why do you feel like you need to have other people backing you up on this? Why can't you just trust your own decision?
     
  8. pirouette

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    Big issue?

    Why do people need to form a list of why they don't want children? Perhaps you have never experienced the holidays with the inlaws who are just dying to have grandchildren. The pressure can really ruin family gatherings. It can really start to grate on your nerves after a few years. Especially after you've explained a hundred times why you don't want them. I think the irritation comes from people who seem to spend half their breath insisting you should have them. I don't speak to a few of my inlaws just for this reason. No matter what we speak about, they make a point of bringing it up. So, we have chosen not to talk to them anymore. Sucks that they are that pigheaded.
    And it doesn't personally bother me, no matter what people expect of me. I live my life the way I see fit. And as long as I am a contributing member of society, why should anyone care if I raise children or not.
     
  9. Krof

    Krof New Member

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    Exactly. If people don't listen to you or simply don't care what you think, there's no reason to be around those people and thus this problem would not exist.
     
  10. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    Thanks pirouette, you're right about people bugging you about it. And it takes time to try to deal w/ that.

    Krof, you can't just not visit or stay away from inlaws all the time b/c of that issue. It can eventually cause marriage problems.

    BTW, FYI for everyone, Friday night me and the hubby went out to pick up some dinner, and on the way home I told him I needed to talk to him about something very important this weekend. He just didn't respond. He never said Ok, honey, what is it, kiss my ass or anything :(

    The whole weekend I never brought it back up. This is the second or third time I have tried to bring up this issue, and it never gets talked about. Very similar to our sex life. He thinks that avoiding the problem, it may solve on its own. He really has no idea.

    So, all weekend goes by, and I never was able to tell him how I feel about children. I guess I should just forget about it, and when/if that time comes up, just tell him I tried to talk to him before, and I had to make up my mind w/o him, since he never concretely joined in the decision :ugh
     
  11. pirouette

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    Lusty Dreams,
    He didn't ask?! At all! The whole wekend?
    Ok So you have communication problems to begin with. Him not asking is strange, but you not talking is also strange. What was your decision going into the marriage? He must have made some statement about whether or not he wanted children.
    If you make the decision alone, it isn't truly a marriage at that point. And it isn't a decision you can make in one weekend anyway. Why not decide to think about it- for a few years......I'm sure you are aware of how drastically life can change in that time. And it sounds like a fairly new marriage. Both your opinions could waver drastically in no time at all.
    Lesson to work on.....communication! :) And I think the communication issue should take priority here. Once you work that out (and it may take some time) the children rearing issue will resolve itself. Because you will talk about it freely then.
     
  12. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    Nope, he didn't ask. Yes, I admit there are communication problems. I try to talk to him a lot, about different things, and I feel I never get anywhere. Which makes me wonder who does he talk to? Or does he bottle it all up? I didn't intend on deciding all this in one weekend, I just wanted to bring it up, maybe over some wine and chocolate :) Just to get an idea how he was feeling about it. I really have nothing left to decide on.
    I know how I feel inside. This came up somewhat before we were married. But I think, he thought, that I would for surely change my mind. The same mistake everyone that knows me, has made.
     
  13. pirouette

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    I only mention it because in the 14 years we've been together, our decisions have changed several times. Initially, we wanted 1 child. Then he got a bit scared by it. For a few years, he didn't want them. Then, my doctors told him I had few chances of keeping my organs intact........he changed his mind again. We had a child. He passed away. Now my husband doesn't think children are remotely important to have. He is thrilled to just have me now. For him, that's more than enough. So, you never know how your decisions will be shaped by life's changing tides each day. But getting the communication up and running will be key to your success.
     
  14. AnonymousOne

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    I see exactly where you are coming from and honestly I think I'd be a horrible father. Plus ... can you imagine how evil my kids would be?
     
  15. bunnycat

    bunnycat New Member

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    I have known since I was 9 or 10 that I didn`t want kids.
     
  16. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    For me it's not so much choice but is becoming a reality nonetheless. I am now 31 and have never been married or pregnant. My boyfriend is a lot younger than I am and not yet ready to have kids. But I've always pictured myself not so much a mother but one of those cool aunts who is more fun to hang out with than one's parents.
     
  17. bluenavigator

    bluenavigator New Member

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    Wow! This is really touchy subject. I have a friend, who already ultimately decided to have only one child, nothing more. He is very happy with that boy. I had asked about second or third kid, he said that he can't do it because he think that one is good enough. So I don't ask him that again and respect his wishes.

    Myself, I don't have my natural child at all. I am happy with my lady, along with 3 kids of her own. Rinse them is one big job! It can be very stressful time to time.

    There is other friend of mine, she already decided not to have a kid at all. She chose this lifestyle because she felt that there are lot of things to do in life, so that she doesn't think having a child is high priority at all. Simply, she is happy with her lifestyle. She is still single and attractive. Right now, she is working at Yale as college recuiter. She sure enjoys her lifestyle as she finds plenty of time on her own.

    So far, you see there are 3 different lifestyles, that I spoke of. Nothing wrong with choose your own preference of lifestyle. First of all, ask yourself - Are you happy with yourself? Another one - Are you happy with what is going on around you? Another one - Are you happy with where your relationship is going?

    Of course, communication is number one thing on the top of priorities. If it fail to happen, the whole thing will fall apart, no matter what, just a matter of time. Right now, my sister had been silent toward my father for some reasons, the problem won't go away at all.
     
  18. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    I can about agree w/ you there bunnycat.
     
  19. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    Right, I see what you mean. I will be 29 this year, and I just don't see my future w/ children at all.

    He doesn't open up to me at all, which makes me wonder what he is really doing, and who he has to be talking to behind my back.

    I have to agree that if communication doesn't get better, it is just a matter of time. I have told him this, and I swear to God he just has a blank face. He takes it for granted, and doesn't think it can happen.

    :(
     
  20. blue

    blue New Member

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    I wonder could he be in denial?? Like... "she is not serious", "she is just finding something to complain about", etc.