How does monogamy work out for you?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Marcpatrick, Aug 2, 2010.

  1. Marcpatrick

    Marcpatrick New Member

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    Is monogamy outdated?
    With all the failed marriages, divorces, affairs people are going through, has monogamy outlived its usefulness?

    I'm certainly not knocking monogamy. I know there are many people in harmonious monogamous relationships who would be extremely repelled by the thought of having sex with someone other than their lifelong partner.

    However, I seem to have an adverse dread of commitment and getting married. I have past relationships that have ended because of my reluctance to pose the big M question to women. To me the idea of waking up to the same person day after day, year after year fills me with panic.

    Some of my friends and colleagues have commented that I will die alone and childless, and that I should just grow up and get on with starting a family. To me this seems so cold and calculated. I knew a female single friend of mine who once announced that she wanted kids and within 6 months she was married and pregnant. While I try not to judge others, I couldn't help feeling that the man she ended up marrying was just a sperm donor for her.

    Is anyone monogamous here and if so how do they make it work?
     
    #1 Marcpatrick, Aug 2, 2010
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2010
  2. Mittimer

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    To be completely honest, monogamy just wasn't made for everyone.
    I am in a very strange relationship as far as monogamy is concerned. I'm engaged to be married and I honestly couldn't be happier, though there are times where I crave the touch of another person, where temptation wants me to give in and it takes a lot for me to say "no..I can't do that"

    No, the thought of waking up next to him for the rest of my life DOES NOT make me sad or upset nor does it make me long for other people.

    That doesn't make me better then you, and it surely doesn't make you immature or crazy or whatever for wanting to be with multiple people.

    Everyone has certain needs and maybe the one person you're with just can't fill those needs to the point that's acceptable. So...you have to go else where to look for those needs. Now, granted, depending on the need it's a bit easier. If you're just out to fuck everything with two legs and a vagina, then well...maaaaayyyyybe you're just in it for the lay. But maybe it's for other reasons. You need someone who can please you in bed, someone who can please you mentally, someone who can be that shoulder to cry on and of course that person who you go out with on the weekends to baseball games. Every different person fill that different need of yours. If you work it right, if you explain the situation to everyone involved, then it can work out.

    To make monogamy work, you've got to really be honest from the get go. Not date for a year, have sex and realize you're bored and want to move on, which kind of seems like your issue.

    Monogamy doesn't make you lose your sense of fun. Trust me, it doesn't. A lot of married couples are just as fun and out going as their single counterparts. No, they aren't all out drinking and partying and fucking a new person every week, but there does come a time in ones life where socially, it's unacceptable for that.

    If you don't follow society's standards, then it's going to be an issue among friends, but what do you really care?

    Is it that you WANT to be in a serious life long committed relationship or that you just want to be able to run free without risk of judgmental eyes?

    This girl that wants you to move in with her, have you explained to her your background, your issues with staying faithful to one person and that you don't think it would be fair to HER if you did this?

    I kind of rambled through this post but I think you get my point lol
     
  3. Marcpatrick

    Marcpatrick New Member

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    Hmm, it's not that I grow bored in a relationship. With my previous girlfriend we had been together for 8 years. I think we both wanted the relationship to progress, but in very different ways. She wanted to get married and have children. For her, that was the ONLY way for the relationship to progress.

    I was open to that (I won't deny that it did scare me a little), but at the same time I wanted my needs to be met in the relationship. I felt I had to give up a lot of my individuality to make her happy. She bought our house with her parent's money, she chose the furniture, she had photos of her family hanging on the walls, she decided what we would eat for dinner. I guess I felt I had little ownership in that particular relationship. Her family was very matriarchal. Marriage and children were important and the men were kind of quiet types who were good at DIY and gardening. I wasn't like that at all.

    With my current significant other, our relationship boundaries are less-defined. We are both totally different to each other. She's a workaholic (which I am totally not!), likes dogs (I am completely indifferent to them), yet we have a very exciting sex life that doesn't exclude others. For me this gives fire to the relationship and makes it a lot more dynamic than my previous big relationship.

    By the way what is it about your fiancee that has made him the one for you?

    Hope I'm not being too personal in asking this. I'm just curious to find out if the qualities I look for in a potential life-long mate are similar to that of other people.
     
  4. igor

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    I have been monogamous for 47 years. But for the last 6 or so it has been a struggle to stay faithful due to her sexual indifference. In some circles, sexlesness is the same as divorce. I don't know about that but it sure is tempting to stray.
     
  5. Mittimer

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    No you're absolutely not being too personal, darling.

    When I met him I actually was slightly put off by him. He was loud, crazy, not shy at all, very open and just all around intimidating!

    But slowly I realized he had every quality in a guy that I had ever wanted. He is so understanding and FULLY accepts me for WHO I am. He is great in bed, he understands my insecurities and he all around goes out of his way to do anything to please me without jeopardizing who he is.

    I just love him.
     
  6. Marcpatrick

    Marcpatrick New Member

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    Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Mittimer. I think you hit the nail on the head. It's about acceptance. My previous girlfriend didn't accept me at all. She was constantly trying to mould me into something I wasn't.
    I remember one time in bed I tried to share fantasies. She never discussed hers, but when I tried to explain mine she just told me she wasn't into dirty talking.

    With my current girlfriend she's very accepting of me and very open to the things I whisper in her ear when we are making out.

    I've told her the same things your bf has told you - that I accept her no matter what and she seems to have blossomed from the shy girl I first came across three years ago to the confident woman she has become.
     
  7. HardRocker

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    We are working on our 27th year now. Relationships always take maintenance, but it has been worth it. I'd do it all over again if I was to go back and face the same choice with the same woman. It seems to get more solid as time passes.
     
  8. Northside

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    I've been monogamous with two former wives. I'm sure not anymore. As far as monogamy goes that's about sex. We all need a lot more out of a relationship than sex. I've been with a lot of women. Sometimes I wonder if I'd have been better off with my first true love and not been through so many women. They all bore me after a while sexually, and of course they all try to change and control other aspects of my life after a while, and that just ain't gonna happen. That's why I move on.

    I have two women in love with me right now, one asked me to marry her. I have two more hitting on me. I wish I gave a damn about any of them, but I don't. I like them and probably take advantage of them sexually, but they seem to enjoy it too.

    I actually envy people who have one true love in their life and work hard enough to make it last and still be happy. It's just too easy to move on. It's much harder to get things right.
     
  9. cbrmale

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    Statistics vary, but about half of married men and women are non-monogamous, and about 80% of marriages are affected by this. Many more would stray, if they had the courage, so it's not normal and natural.

    I have had a number of affairs, and discovered that sex with another person doesn't affect love and sex with a primary partner. Indeed, falling in love with someone else still doesn't affect the love and affection you feel.
     
  10. Mittimer

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    What about having sex with with someone else while in a marriage DOESN'T effect the other party?
     
  11. Marcpatrick

    Marcpatrick New Member

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    True, Mittimer.
    That's what acted as a barrier for me to cheat. I know I am capable of fooling around with other women while remaining romantically loyal to my primary partner. However, I knew that they wouldn't be able to be as philosophical about it as I am.

    My current partner is experimenting with other guys, nothing sexual so far, but she finds its exciting to play the field a little. However, she doesn't seem to be as generous to me about it as I am to her so far in as that she definitely doesn't want me seeing other women. She told me she knows she hypocritical, but that's just how she feels. I'm not sure what to make of it. To be honest sometimes I like seeing how her new romantic/sexual experiences change her. In some ways it's appealing, in other ways I am getting a bit worried, because she seems to be becoming sexually dominant towards me.
     
  12. htoad

    htoad Active Member

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    This may go against the grain here, but monogamy has worked out well for us for 30 years. We were both virgins when we met, and had sex for several years before we married. In my view monogamy can work, but it takes two who want to make it work. For us the two big things have been:

    1) Making our sexual activities a priority in our relationship. When it started to fall off of the radar that is when we were both in danger of straying. Fortunately we recognized it, through improving our communication and listening to each other. Since that tough time we had made sure it is the top priority for both of us. We strive to keep our sex lives with each other interesting and varied, and have been willing to try almost anything between us to build up a large repertoire of things we like to do to/with each other.

    2)Not taking each others sexuality for granted. Just because your partner loves sex does not mean you let the other aspects of the relationship fall apart. I have seen that happen many times. My Bunnie has said she will never turn me down for sex, and lets me do all kinds of things to her that out of our relationship context might be deemed "degrading". But I still romance her, still do kind things for her out of the blue, still keep our communications open, and still try to share in her interests. She does the same for me. This is also a motivation for both of us staying in good health and fit for each other - we enjoy that the other likes our physical attributes, so we stay active so that we can keep those looks and the energy for the other to enjoy. Now that we have both turned 50 we see how important that is. No one is guaranteed tomorrow, and you do not know when something may happen that will change things. When this happens we do not want to look back with any regrets.

    I would kindly dispute the comment regarding statistics showing that many would stray "if they had the courage". I am not going to spend time arguing statistics, but the statistics and surveys I have seen show that, in the long run, the happiest couples are those who are both monogamous and sexually active. The key is that both have made that choice, and are committed to that choice through thick and thin. Bunnie has told me that if I had an affair what would upset her was not so much the affair but her read that I thought someone else could provide something for me. I have had more than a few blatant offers to have an affair, but I turned them down not out of fear of social stigma (which there really is less and less of that), or religious reasons, or any other negative aspect, but simply because I love my Bunnie and no other woman could provide what she provides for me.

    So monogamy is not for everyone, but it can work very well when both parties seek it. But in seeking it they must also choose to make their sex lives as exciting as possible.:)
     
  13. Northside

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    Sorry, but I think it takes more courage to stay faithful! It's easy to cheat. It's easy to rationalize cheating. It's hard to honor a commitment. Cheating is about being selfish. Being faithful is about being honorable, and walking the walk.

    Doesn't it bother you to know you are doing something that would devastate someone you have this "love an affection" for.
     
  14. Barbwire

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    I have a question. If someone is so bound and determined to experience fucking someone other than their spouse, why don't they explore having an open marriage instead of lying and sneaking around?

    I guess being truthful isn't as exciting as the rush of deceiving and trying to get away with something.
     
  15. cbrmale

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    I have never hid anything... There is a lot of confusion about affairs, but the main one is that it's all about sex. It isn't. You can have the best sex life in the world, and still have an affair. Another one is that it's about lack of communication or a failing relationship, but that's not the case either. Many relationships survive affairs, and the ones that don't, the minority, were failing before. The majority are good, except that it's like having your cake an eating it too. A warm and lovely home life, and excitement on the side.

    There is something exciting in meeting, getting to know and then being intimate with a new partner. Every person is different in a thousand different ways, and to explore and learn those differences is challenging and exciting. I have found myself doing things that I didn't set out to do, would have made a good porn movie in fact. I didn't search for those things, we just crossed paths and that was her style.

    Most non-Western influenced cultures accept non-monogamy, which is why mine is accepted, being a cross-cultural marriage. Not an open marriage as such, because my wife isn't into it for her, but certainly a licence to stray, as long as she isn't part of the details.

    Remember the stats: conservatively estimated that 80% of marriages. How many married couples do all who read this know? Take half the adults, and about 8 out of 10 marriages, and there you have it.
     
  16. Marcpatrick

    Marcpatrick New Member

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    I completely agree with you, CL. I know enough about myself that I have faithfulness issues, so now I am in a relationship with someone else who has the same thing. It works out pretty well for both of us.

    Surprisingly though, in response to your last sentence, I have come across cheating even in open relationships. When I asked the woman why she cheated when she had such a 'generous' husband, she said she actually got off on the deception and the risk of being caught.

    What has really surprised me over the years is my own response to being cheated on. There was a time when it would have been a complete deal-breaker for me if my significant other cheated on me. It would have been an assault on my pride and ego. The girl who I am with now is not absolutely loyal to me, yet that risk of losing her actually makes me 'work' harder for her. As a result I find our love/sex life far more exciting than when I was with my previous girlfriend who was absolutely sexually loyal to me.

    It's strange what makes us tick. :p
     
  17. Squeak

    Squeak New Member

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    I don't think monogamy has become outdated, I think being poly, cheating, having an affair (any form of having an outside partner, whether your partner knows about it or not) has become MUCH easier. It's kind of like being gay - it's not that there are MORE gay people, they were always there, it's just easier to network and be more "out" about it.

    As far as monogamy being "useful" (in terms of STI's), I think this is another part where technology comes into play. With the advances in medicine, it's much easier to cure things now than 50 years ago.