How do you tell your boyfriend that he's awful in bed?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by ZM5005, Apr 11, 2011.

  1. ZM5005

    ZM5005 New Member

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    He is absolutely terrible in bed. Here's my dilemma...

    Met a really nice guy and we've been seeing each other for a few months. He's a little young for me (I'm 23 and he's 19) and in some areas there's a complete discrepancy as far as experience goes (me being in a 2 year relationship when his longest was probably a month or two). I dont want to be controlling and I often find it hard to decide when I need to put my foot down and bring certain issues that irritate me to the table over just biting my tongue, relaxing and letting him just live his life. None the less, he seems very committed to our relationship and always willing to change certain things/work out any disagreements we have. Otherwise we get along, share a good sense of humor and enjoy each others company. When it comes to the bedroom, it's a different story....

    Not that I'm a size queen by any means, but he isn't very well endowed. Normally, this isn't a problem if a guy could use what he's working with (which he surely can't). He has yet to ejaculate (which I'm pretty sure the problem isn't me) which makes me feel like each time we do anything it's about me trying to get off and him trying his very best to please me... and failing terribly. I've been trying to work a few new "moves" into our play time or make suggestions as to what he should do to make the experience more enjoyable... to no avail; either he's not a good student or I'm not a good teacher. He isn't smooth at all when it comes to foreplay and there are many awkward moments during sex - so awkward that most of the time I'd rather not even be having sex. In this area, this is a huge disappointment considering with my ex I was able to have explosive, mind-blowing, euphoric sex (but the guy just wasn't right for me).

    I don't mean to be rude here but forgive me for being brutally honest. He's a great guy; most of what I could ask for in a guy but unfortunately he's falling short where (lets be honest) it counts. My friends have suggested that I either tell him or break up with him - which for one, how do you tell someone that they are just not hitting the spot in bed? "Ah, hey, do you have a minute? You're awful in bed and I'd like for us to work on that". Secondly, this is a great guy otherwise, I'd miss him a lot if I just simply cut it off with him. I have feelings for him and I do want to work on this - I just don't know how or if it's even possible as I've been trying. I don't want to come off as incredibly shallow but I honestly dont know how much longer I could hold out and pretend that I'm getting everything I want in a relationship.

    I guess I'm mostly just looking for feedback here. Has anyone else ever been in this dilemma? Has anyone ever had the problem and found a solution? I'd really like things to be as enjoyable as they were with my ex... but it's hard to see that happening with the way things have been going. Thanks!
     
  2. CruelTease

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    Telling him he's terrible would be a bad idea. Ask him to set a night aside and spend the whole time making him feel good, show him the things you like by doing them to him. If he does something that's great for you, tell him, a lot!

    If he does something you don't enjoy, try suggesting a different way to do it... "mmm I love it when you... [insert something naughty here]"
     
  3. Texas_Red

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    Yeah, I'd say that if you really like him, then you're going to have to suck it up and learn to communicate what you want, show him, teach him. You can't keep biting your tongue, it just multiplies how you feel.
     
  4. lbushwalker

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    CT you are such a lovely softie and so too you TR.
    I have no experience in this area of sexuality but assuming it were a female and I was as stoked about my partner as he seems to be then I would be quite blunt.
    Babe I love you.........but sex between us sucks right now.
    For us to stay together we got to work at this thing ok!
    Here is how I like it (describe in detail) how do you feel about that?
    Chance is it is ignorance & almost a total lack of experience by dominant lover.
    Go on from there, yes talk it through dude, no other way.
     
    #4 lbushwalker, Apr 11, 2011
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2011
  5. timfhenderson

    timfhenderson New Member

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    ZM5005, my wife recently purchased a Rhino and it's worked wonders for our sex life! Remember, we all start out oblivious, be sure to give him any advice straight - dancing around the -bush- is a bad way for him to learn. And if penis extensions and toys aren't for you guys, just remember oral and foreplay can be even better. :)
     
  6. Stefanie

    Stefanie New Member

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    Ditto!

    Please don't tell him he's bad in bed. It will crush him. Saying something like, "I'm unhappy with our sex life right now, but I have some ideas for things to do to improve it" and discussing those with him is a good idea.

    Everyone's a beginner at some point, and it just takes practice to get better, and some learn quicker than others. Try telling him what you like, or better yet, showing him. Touch yourself the way you like to be touched, and then take his hands (or whatever else should be touching you :p ) and show him. Tell him when you like something he's doing, and tell him when it's uncomfortable or painful.
     
  7. 33stack

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    if he's too small for u u better tell him now. that way he can use things to compensate (like toys or something). If not u will just resent him 4 something he can't help and niether one of u can do anything about. U may just have to move on. Lets face it, once u experiene a large penis with a guy who knows how to use it, there will always be that certain something missing and sooner or later u will stray.
     
  8. ZM5005

    ZM5005 New Member

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    Thanks for all of the replies! I really appreciate the input as well as ideas.

    I have tried to show him different ways of touching/performing. Unfortunately, he just doesn't seem to get it or will add his own twist onto what I'm trying to show him, completely rendering any technique I've tried to show him completely useless. I guess I will continue to try to show him or maybe even get a little bit more direct, but it's been tough.

    It isn't necessarily his size, he just doesn't use what he's got very well, nor is it very enjoyable to play with. :( . Maybe it will have to come down to incorporating toys or other means of pleasure.

    I never really thought I'd be in this position; I've been with boys that were bad in bed before but it's never been someone I actually like a lot as far as a relationship goes. If we had the sexual chemistry me and my ex had I'd literately be in heaven right now - I guess you can't always get what you want.
     
  9. Untamed

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    That is unfortunately almost always true.

    My advice is just be patient.. do to him what you want to be done to you. Maybe he will see that what you're doing to him feels really good and in therefore return the favour just like that.
     
  10. pcbdaddy

    pcbdaddy New Member

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    My wife was in a relationship for 2 years before we got together, I had very little experience with sex and she had alot of experience as she almost had sex everyday for 2 straight years lol..

    When we started out, I was HORRIBLE at sex, 1-2-3 SQUIRT!. She was left holding the bag so to speak.

    Then she started talking to me, telling me things she likes dislikes.

    I was a great student as i was VERY eager to please her.

    The problem sounds like you have attempted to teach him and he isn't a great student or isn't trying to hear what your tellig him.

    I know this sounds rough, but sometimes a brutal honest conversation is the only thing that works, but make the conversation more about you and less about him..I.E....Im not happy with this or I NEED you to do this....

    If you demasculinize him i fear he will never recover.
     
  11. Texas_Red

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    Well, it sounds like his hearts in the right place. Annoying as it is that he may not seem to be listening, it seems he's trying to add to things in the hopes to do it even better, which means he does care at the least (at least that's how I take that)

    Relationships are work. Period. Nothing just comes easy. Wouldn't be any fun or rewarding if it did.
     
  12. cbrmale

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    Telling someone they're terrible isn't going to help at all, but I do understand and sympathise with the awkwardness. My wife is also awkward and lacks fluidity, but she has improved with gentle guidance and a few heart-to-heart talks. But she will never be a great lover; some women in my past just had an amazing easy-going sexual confidence and connection from our first time, whereas my wife took a long time to sort-of half-way get there. But she's fantastic in many other ways, and she has an insatiable sex drive, so I'm not complaining. But I think that some or most of us have it and a few don't, and that's the way they are.
     
  13. gyfo

    gyfo New Member

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    Hey. Well its really a dilemma. I know when I was 19 I was really inexperienced. Didn't have a clue really. I was also really immature and a bit selfish in bed.

    What I can say to you is a guys sexual prowess is his pride. We all want to be the best lovers and having someone tell you you're awful is going to be destructive. And that's really not going to do much for your relationship. I think you have a lot of discovering to do... Both of you.. And talking about it and telling each other exactly what you want is going to be the first building block.

    Positive affirmation.. If I am told that I'm doing something great. Its going to make me want to do it more... And you get better at it. Be forceful yet playful. If you don't know exactly what your partner wants from you you will never satisfy him or her 100 percent.

    He probably needs a bit of guidance.. And encouragement. Not to be told he's crap.