How do you initiate sex with your partner?

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by Flame, Apr 25, 2011.

  1. Flame

    Flame New Member

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    My husband and I are finally out of a REALLY long sexual dry spell so I shouldn't complain, but things still aren't quite as hot as I'd like them and I'm never really sure if I'm just being too demanding or unrealistic.

    The other night he asked me if I want to have sex. That is really quite amazing, just in and of itself, and of course I was delighted and jumped up ready to go. But then he said, "Ok, hurry up then because I have some things I need to get done before bed."

    Hmmm. That's so sexy. I immediately lost any desire and said let's forget it. He was completely happy to do so. Guess he wasn't horny after all...

    My question is, is that a normal way to invite someone to have sex with you? Surely, if you are all turned on and excited, wouldn't you have your hands all over him or her and try and pull him or her into having sex with you? You don't just say, "Let's have sex!" Or do you? It just doesn't turn me on. I want to see that he is really horny and really wants it. That does turn me on.
     
  2. gyfo

    gyfo New Member

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    I have to say when I was a little bit younger I was pretty selfish. Get straight to the point kinda thing. Then I made friends with a girl I am still very close with. Someone I could confide in.

    She once told me about a BF that was so selfish he wasnt interested in what made her happy. I won share those details. But the truth is it might as well have been me she was talking about. We did all the same things.

    And from that point on I looked at things from a new perspective. I left my fiance at the time and have had a number of other partners since then. And when things are new its easy to initiate sex.. Both parties are fairly keen most of the time. The hard work is when nyou have been in a relationship for a while. And things arent as exciting anymore.

    I am no longer a grab her breasts kinda guy. I have said it before on this forum. If im in the mood... I will invest at least 2 hours teasing and convincing my partner. It might start with a little brush of my hand down her back and over her bum.. then a kiss on the shoulder... a hug from behind with a kiss on her neck..

    I will work on things like this for a while before intimate contact. Then the brush down her back turns into two hands running down her sides.. Gently rubbing her breasts on their way down. Things get naughtier and naughtier as we go along.

    The point is that the gentle forplay starts earlier on, and by the time you get to doing the deed.. the mood is well set.
     
  3. Meee

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    The boyfriend and I have had situations that are a little like this. We're planning what we have to do and we see that all our time is going to be filled up. So he looks up from the list and says, "Then we better have sex now." That might not make it onto a Hallmark card, but it works for me.

    I don't think the issue is if it's normal. It's probably way too normal, meaning way too common. It sounds like your husband is busy. He has things to do that are on his mind. He has lists. He's feeling pulled in different directions between his responsibilities and the sexual expectations that his wife has been bringing up. He's trying to make it all fit together by putting you on the list. Not very romantic, of course, but I think that's what's happening.

    You have to make time for sex. You can't just tell him that you want to improve your sex life. You have to help him feel that he can spare the time. I know that isn't a very romantic way to think about sex, but it's important. You have to help him feel free for a few hours or a day or a weekend from the pressure to get things done. It would probably help with his stress levels and so on anyway.
     
  4. Trond

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    The highlighted part made me grumble :mad. My wife says things like that all the time. It's a huge turnoff if you ask me.

    Planning it also does not work that well for me. Don't know why. It's as if planning sex is a very un-sexy thing to do. :ugh
     
  5. Meee

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    Here's a tip: When you plan sex, make it like a date. The anticipation makes it sexier. I think what some people do is schedule sex and then just go back to their busy lives and don't mention it again until the time actually arrives. But sex isn't like the usual things on your schedule. You can talk about it--even talk dirty about it. You can keep the excitement going from the minute you schedule it right up until it's time. If you make it hard to wait, then you're doing it right.

    The boyfriend and I don't live together, so we almost always have to plan sex. I try to make the planning fun.
     
  6. nurseharley

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    sweet home...
    its pretty much always just....happened.
     
  7. Flame

    Flame New Member

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    That sounds like a good idea and we've tried it but it rarely works. I love sex when I really want it or when he really wants it and that can't be planned ahead of time. Thanks anyway :)
     
  8. backcheck64

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    I yell "BED BITCH" LOL
     
  9. Flame

    Flame New Member

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    :lol
     
  10. Meee

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    You quoted this part:

    But you didn't quote this part:

    Don't just plan it, work up to it. Or are you hoping for spontaneous sex when both of you happen to be aroused already? If he's busy, stressed, distracted, and so on, you might wait a long time.
     
  11. sinner

    sinner New Member

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    My wife has said stuff like this also. I have learned that it is her way of recognizing my needs and "trying" to work things out in a compromise. i have found that discussing the larger issues at that moment is very counterproductive. The discussion regarding varient sex drives is very delicate. There are no simplr answers. Non sexual touching is very important. being empathetic goes a long way. good luck.
     
  12. Flame

    Flame New Member

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    Now this is exactly the type of response I was looking for! I want to know whether it's normal to actively seek out sex with one's partner or whether it takes organizing, planning and thought.

    Most things in life that are worth having, are worth working for. If you want a healthy body you have to work out. If you want to improve your mind you have to learn new things. If you want to win a competition you have to train.

    But sex?

    Surely sex is the one thing that's different. If two healthy people are attracted to each other, sex shouldn't be a chore; it should happen because they both really desire it and just cannot wait any longer. Or am I completely wrong here?

    I'm not saying that we shouldn't have to make an effort to be attractive, sexy and desirable. But I really think that if we do so and also do the things we know he likes, shouldn't he spontaneously want to have sex?
     
  13. Flame

    Flame New Member

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    Yes I have come to the same conclusion. It's really frustrating as it's the one area where discussing the problem rarely helps. Complaining about it makes things even worse. The irony is that if I gush about how wonderful sex was last time (even if it was boring) that's the only way I can hope to get any more. I'm now working on trying to get the message across of what I want in bed without making it sound as though I'm complaining about what I actually get!
     
  14. sinner

    sinner New Member

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    i have learned from my wife that it is easier said than done. the fact of the matter is that you can love someone deeply but the hormones just dont respond. it isnt that sex is a chore... it is that it "feels" like a chore in those circumstances. a loving relationship is a lot of work. patience and understanding are key.
     
  15. Flame

    Flame New Member

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    I'm salivating! Two hours? That sounds amazing! And all that delicious touching... Just thinking about that gets me going.

    A quickie is definitely hot and sexy once in a while, but only when it's because the passion is too much to ignore and neither can wait even a second longer. Otherwise, it would be amazing to really take the time to do all those other lovely things that two people can do to each other!
     
  16. Rodeoclown

    Rodeoclown New Member

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    We do a lot of flirting! Starting with random comments. Then a lilttle squeeze of the cheeks. Also since we have been married for a while I will use some of the cheesy pick up lines. Mostly just spending time acknowledging eachother puts us in the mood.
    Sometimes on the weekends she will call me into the room to "help her with something".
     
  17. Oliva

    Oliva New Member

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    I have experience with sex from eyes looking :) HOW, just seeing each other, no need to comment and party begin :)
     
  18. sinner

    sinner New Member

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    Life is hectic. We don't always have a ton of time. We often sleep in a spoons position and she'll just reach back a grab my cock. and off we go.
     
  19. Meee

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    Both ways of having sex are "normal," though I don't like that word. One of them isn't a better way than the other. Organizing sex is ok. If people have lives, they're going to be busy. They're going to have worries, and pressures, and tensions. It's ok to clear your schedule sometimes for sex. It's ok if your husband has to unwind first when the time arrives. A romantic dinner, or a walk, or a massage. You can't expect him to get right up from his desk after paying the bills and have lust in his eyes and tear your clothes off. Those bills are still going to be on his mind. You might have to help him get in the mood, and that's ok. It isn't a chore, it's foreplay.

    Flame, I think there's something more going on here when you're asking these questions. I think you're searching for something in your relationship. You're looking for a sign. And you think spontaneous sex would be that sign. Maybe you want confirmation that your husband still desires you. It's probably inappropriate for me to make a guess like that, but, well, there it is.
     
  20. cbrmale

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    When you have children in particular, planning to have sex makes a lot of sense. It ensures that sex doesn't disappear with the busy-ness of life. I read somewhere that when we were younger and unattached we often planned sex. We organised dates that would include a film or a meal, and would also include sex. If we did it then, why not when living together?

    Spontaneous sex happens in our marriage as well, but at other times it's planned. When it's planned you do get aroused and horny anticipating what's to come. A lot of relationships become asexual when spontaneous sex is the be-all and end-all, because it does rely on the two of you being sexually aroused and having the time available to satiate that arousal. So what happens in many marriages is that sex slowly dries up over time. I know that there are times when I'm tired and I don't have the time, and a sexual approach is probably going to get turned down. But what happens with us is a mixture of planned and non-planned sex, so we never lose a sexual connection with one-another. And whichever way it happens, sex is always pleasurable and love-affirming.