How do you go about talking sex with a partner who is much less " experienced" ?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Doitagain, Aug 14, 2014.

  1. Doitagain

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    My partner has not been very open to new things Sexually in the past or now. I have had a much wider variety and have been more open...In the past. She is someone who is self conscious and and defensive when anything has been brought up and very little of the time does she actually have a discussion about anything new. All talk fizzles out pretty fast. I know we have to talk about it and I know she will never get into some things even if we do talk about it. I seem to not get any sway and I am not talking about anything really wild. It's pretty much the same moves every time. Only once in a while will she let me go down on her, she is very particular on how or where I touch her. It's pretty much her on top or me on the bottom. Even " doggie" style doesn't go well because it's uncomfortable for her. I've tried to give her suggestions during or before sex and they are met with defense and takes it personally. I try and make her realize that " I like the ice cream but I would like sprinkles once in a while " type of thing. I have tried my best to get her to tell me what she wants or would like to try or what feels good and pretty much get nothing.


    So , how do you talk to some one like that? What do you say and what do you say to her response?
    I am with her and will be , I realize she may never get to where I am and I am okay with that but I feel she just is not telling me things because she is uncomfortable , self conscious , and thinks these questions are a negative thing. I just want her to open up more.
    Those of you that know what I post must realize I don't expect her to do those things and I am okay with them remaining fantasies.
     
  2. AGFUNK

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    Have you ever considered counseling? Sounds like she could benefit and you could learn how to talk to her.
     
  3. ply

    ply
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    Skip the counseling. Especially if you are a legal gun owner.

    Does she have any horny/ kinky friends that will talk to her?

    Will she watch porn with you?

    How is she about giving head?
     
  4. Doitagain

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    Counseling sounds out of the question for her since I have brought it up a couple of years ago for pretty much the same thing communication. It's just so touchy , baby step forward full step back.
     
  5. Doitagain

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    I have no idea if you were trying to be with the gun comment. She won't watch porn because she complains she doesn't look like them. She gives good head. No kinky friends for her to talk to they are all pretty vanilla.
     
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  6. AGFUNK

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    Have you looked for porn where the women look like her? How about just trying some new stuff? Have you tried subtlety?
     
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  7. ply

    ply
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    There have been many instances of otherwise law abiding people losing there rights to own guns and having what they do own confiscated because they have seen a psych of any kind. No real rhyme or reason.

    Laws have been proposed that would require people to relinquish the guns if they have ever been seen for any reason. Which would include certain job interviews.

    One guy lost his guns as a result of seeing a marriage counselor and answering NO when questioned about ever having been treated by a psych. He did not intentionally lie as he never really associated one with the other. But it didn't matter.

    People that need help, need help. But people that value their rights might want to skip the counselor bit
     
  8. cbrmale

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    My wife is a bit like this and she was much worse when we married. Oral sex on her was out of the question as were many other variations. We did try counselling and it exposed that we both were doing wrong things in the relationship to a degree, so I changed my behaviour but sexually it lead nowhere. What eventually moved things along was when I was in an adult shop buying something basic like lube, and I saw some videos (as they were then) on ordinary couples extraordinary sex or something along that line, by the Sinclair Institute. I persuaded my wife to watch them with no obligation to do anything, and clearly she did get turned on by seeing ordinary, mostly middle-aged couples enjoying a greater variety of sexual experiences. They were quite explicit but at the same time were ordinary men and women, and I felt my wife put herself in the position of the women she saw.

    This led to oral sex on her, outdoors sex in secluded spots and playing games from time to time. So it was a big breakthrough, although by any standards she isn't erotically intuitive and is often quite awkward. Of all of the things she saw the outdoors sex made the biggest impression and we do a lot of that in the warmer months, which will be with us again soon.

    This sort of material from the Sinclair Institute may work for the OP, but when buying make sure you concentrate on ordinary, older couples rather than the younger, porn-star looking women, because the Sinclair Institute has both. For the OP to get his wife to actually watch them may be a challenge, but my approach of 'these are only ideas and we are under no obligation to do all or any of what we see' may work.
     
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  9. Doitagain

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    Thank you very much and that is sort of how I would see our counseling going which isn't a bad thing but does not " fix " the sex. We have little steps forward but then a step back and I can't figure it out. She used to play with toys before me and has one now but refuses to use it even alone...and she bought it! As far as the videos I have never flat out asked her to watch but she has seen what I accidentally left on my computer a few times over the years and there has been no clue she would be interested in watching. As far as the order people thing...well that sort of Rediculous also...she gets self conscious with the hot stars but them again doesn't want to see middle aged people. It like lack of acceptance that she is not 21 .anymore. She is attractive . She complains she doesn't get hit on anymore but when she does its not by who she would want to so she takes that as a negative thing. When we first started dating it was more wild. Now it's almost as she feels she should not be as wild. And by wild I just mean sex in a car, letting me go down on her and maybe a couple other positions and that's about it. She entertained other ideas in passing condos but that is it. I know this sounds hard to deal with and it is. She plays both sides and I don't know how to deal. Lol its complicated
     
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  10. htoad

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    Of of the toughest attributes in a relationship is patience. When my wife and I first started getting physically intimate, while we were both virgins I had a very vivid sexual imagination. While she was interested I could tell if I"rushed" things it would push er away. Bunnie often says that if I tried to suggest all the things we do now at once, she would have run screaming into the night.

    The best I can suggest is build on little victories. If she does try something new, not matter how "bad" you thing the effort, show here how much you enjoyed her trying, and don't criticize, even constructively. Simply show how much you enjoyed it, an act in a way (both in and out of the bedroom)that shows how it enhances your relationship. A lot of patience may be called for, and se may not do 100% of your fantasies... but perhaps whatever she does do, she'll she encouraged to continue and gain enthusiasm.

    From the porn comments, she may be insecure about her body.. help her to feel better about it. Make sure you are paying much more attention to her body, in both sexual and non-sexual ways, than porn. Do things like encouraging her to be naked around you in private as much as possible, and always show how much you enjoy seeing her body, not just as something to lust after, but as a beautiful work of art. For example, when I work from home and Bunnie is also around, I encourage her to go around the ouse naked, or wearing something very revealing. And when our paths cross, I always smile or gently touch her. Sometimes she'll ask "do you want to do something now", and I'll just reply "no, I just like seeing you like this all the time". She says this sort of thing give her huge confidence abut her body.
     
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  11. Doitagain

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    Thanks for the input. And she is naked a lot and I compliment her constantly even when I am not trying to get anything. I get the " yeah right " and other comments such as that. Seriously, it's like she is not coming to grips with not being 21. And I encourage every little thing she tries which is not often . All positive comments. I get the same reaction if I don't say anything. It's sytange. I feel there is just something I am missing that would open the flood gates. I don't ever expect her to fulfill all of my fantasies or wants at all. My biggest and only Gant that must be filled is her feeling free and comfortable and enjoying everything we do
     
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  12. Alwayslearningsex

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    Sounds like some insecurities too maybe. How old is she?
    I had been with someone who was the same, vanilla of vanilla.
    In my heart I desired more, not necessarily wild, but variety, not always same time, same place, same way, literally.
    That killed things and knew I could not live this way once I experienced the MORE aspect of sex.
    I am not sure if this has a parallel to you - it looks like it - but I can't give lots of options. Taking a chance though.
    Maybe a shock kind of discussion, expressing it clearly that you are quite not happy sexually. Unsure how she would take it if you mention you feel like letting go so you don't end up doing something regrettable if you are with her longer down the road.
    Tactful, yet so difficult without causing hurt beyond "repair"
    Or just walking away? Working up to more gradually with baby steps?
     
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  13. cbrmale

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    I don't recommend this but I think my wife was prepared to watch the educational videos because she sensed I was having an affair at the time. I think it was my second affair with the younger, single woman and we were supposed to be just friends having sex, but I did fall in love with her but I didn't tell her. I think my wife guessed there was someone else in my life.

    The videos opened doors to more variety in sex bearing in mind that one person's turn-on isn't another. My wife's not into toys and that's fine by me. I would like anal sex but I appreciate that I'm too big for any woman who isn't really experienced. We both enjoy games from time to time, we both enjoy public sex from time to time and oral sex is always good fun, so we made a few steps forward.
     
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  14. Doitagain

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    Walking away isn't gonna happen. Baby steps for sure. And I absolutely know we will not always be into the same things but I know there are things she likes but she doesn't like to talk about them and doesn't try them. Definitely insecurities. And u am trying my best to work with her. I just don't know how to talk to her. Straight forward and blunt doesn't work and can push her farther away from the subject. She is in her early 30's. When we were dating at first she was a little more wild. And when she is drinking it loosens her up a bit to even talk about it and she is less self conscious and those are the times I can tell she wants to do more but she still strays away from getting too deep into talking about it. And alot has to do with she does not like to hear about what I have done and doesn't understand what or why I am into things
     
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