[Ask a Guy] How do I ask for what I want?

Discussion in 'Ask a Guy/Girl' started by milii, Jul 13, 2011.

  1. milii

    milii New Member

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    sex never works out for me.
    I can get myself off but I dislike the way almost all guys fuck.
    In order to stay hard and get off most of them seem to need to keep penetration pretty constant once started.
    That turns me off so much and makes it nearly impossible for me to come. it's like with every thrust any semblance of sensitivity I was starting to build up is destroyed.
    The speed up makes me breathe too fast and unable to relax and enjoy...i start to feel pressured and such...
    Don't get me wrong, I love being penetrated, but when I do myself alone, well theres rarely any penetration of anything until after I cum and then I *might* go buck wild with my fingers bc it feels good after to release all the pressure that built up while I came.
    If I'm with a guy..I keep wishing he would put it in (maybe even only halfway...repeatedly) and take it ALL the way out everytime ..teasing me with it..making me wait..and then surprising me with a full thrust sometimes...and then making me wait more...keeps me guessing and such.
    Seems to me guys are generally either too eager to do this..or get blue balls..or cant stay hard...
    w.e
    I like to have long drawn out orgasms. once I get turned on enough that I think I can come, I immediately want to slow down and hang on to it and just get louder (not faster). This is when I want to really start being stimulated in other ways (talking - moaning - surprizing touches to keep me guessing - starting and stopping - anything really) Seems like even if a guy actually does get me to this point as soon as he hears the sounds i make and my breathing, its full on, in and out, harder and faster until...well..great im not even turned on anymore..sigh

    I feel it is nearly impossible to ask for what I want without either discontinuing wanting it...or not saying it in a polished enough way to walk on eggshells enuff around a mans ego..

    basically..i never get mine... usually hurt a guys feeling unintentionally..and even with years of trying to figure out how to make sex work for me..im still duped...
    I know what i want..just not how to get it

    so anyways...I basically settle for pleasing myself when im alone..and then later letting a guy fuck me silly with my legs all up (not for me to come but to relieve the pressure i built up when i made myself come maybe the day b4) in a way..that is very satisfying...but i Do wish I could come on a cock..
    O well

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated. This is such a sensitive topic and I have tried to work around it with bf's in real life only to wish I had never mentioned it. I'm really hoping asking unbiased guys will get me somewhere!

    Thanks!
     
  2. pbs

    pbs
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    I think you need to find a guy, maybe an older one, who is wiling to take the time to learn what you want and then apply it with patience until he gets the hang of it. This was the secret to finding my wife's desires and fulfilling them - patience, persistence, and learning her body language, with an emphasis on pleasing her. When I was younger I had more of the slam bam approach - lots or orgasms and very often. After many thousands of them for both me and my lover, the variety of slowing way down and enjoying the journey rather than the destination (climax) rejuvenated our sex lives and greatly increased our desire for each other. I think you need a "lover with a slow hand" who's first priority is pleasing you.

    Try going to the website for "Welcomed Consensus." What they do there sounds like exactly what you're looking for.
     
    #2 pbs, Jul 13, 2011
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2011
  3. Meee

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    Fly-by advice:

    If you have to walk on egg shells with a man, you and he don't get along well enough yet to have sex. Sex is about communication; when you can communicate, you can have sex. Get to know a man well enough to communicate with him comfortably, then explaining what you want will feel more natural, and you can have sex with him.
     
  4. backcheck64

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    I do agree that if you can't tell him, he's the wrong person. I always loved the input. I asked frequently what my partner at that time liked, then used that info later on...compile that knowledge to use later. My wife and I have been together 29yrs and every so often I'll still ask, though she usually offers input before I can ask.

    It's pretty simple, ask. If his ego is so fragile, you need to find a real man. A real man welcomes input and if he senses you aren't...completely satisfied, he'll ask you. Depending on how...active..he was, he may not really know how a womans body reacts if shes having an orgasm. You may need to show him.
     
  5. milii

    milii New Member

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    I don't have a boyfriend currently, so there's no way he could be the wrong one lol! I'm more looking back on all of my sexual and relationship experience (im 27 and have had 3 long term relationships as well as various more casual sex encounters).

    What I'm really wanting advice or tips on..is how to get a guy to understand my needs without offending and maybe even keeping it hott...idk how to do that. And to be honest, I wish I could just have some good sex. I don't mind getting to know someone and I would like to be in a stable growing relationship (provided a good match comes along) but in the mean time...I'd like to at least get my groove on lol! and enjoy it.
     
  6. backcheck64

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    knowing I'm doing what my wife wants MAKES it hot for me. It's all about communication. I only had what some might consider a long term was 7 months, I personally don't, before my current dating/marriage of 29 yrs. But as far as the casual, I went pro in high school. But like anything, you have to do your research and be observant. Just say something, if he's offended, show him the door.
     
  7. Meee

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    Yes, good sex without having to work on it is a wish. No man automatically knows what you want. No man is going to give you what you want just by coincidence. You can't just hope you'll find a man who happens to fuck the way you want it. The chances of finding him are too small. So you're going to have to take control of your sex life.

    If you want to get into the technique of how to communicate about sex, here's something to think about: Say things in a positive way. Don't criticize or complain or put down what he's been doing so far. Say things like, "Ooooh, here's something I'd love to try." The next step is to make your instructions to him part of your dirty talk. He'll love it. It'll inspire him. It will make him want to do what you're asking him to do.
     
    #7 Meee, Jul 13, 2011
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2011
  8. milii

    milii New Member

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    It seems like PBS is the only one who is getting what I'm asking here. Thanks.

    Also Thanks for the website to check out. Had never heard of it before. Looks great!
     
  9. AGFUNK

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    What you're asking is how to bring up what you want is it not? The people who have posted on here have given you the best advice for it, finding someone who will take the time to learn how to please you and listen to what you want, you have to communicate what you want with anyone that you have sex with, no one can read minds so you have to tell them what you want. You have to take charge with your pleasure in sex with someone otherwise you will never be satisfied with sex.
     
  10. GreyGoose

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    Before having sex with a girl I will usually findout what it is she likes. I wanna make sure she is pleased bc I want her to think bout me after lol. Seriously though I love when a girl opens up or vhints very well at what it is she wants and what she likes.
     
  11. Chronichaze

    Chronichaze New Member

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    Trial and error. Keep fucking until you find a guy wanting the same thing because surely every guy does it different. I do it differently not only according to the situation but to the girl too. Some I know need is soft, some want their worlds rocked:p. You can usually get a basis to where you stand based off their expressions and movement while physically interacting. I don't think it would be too weird at all if a guy was penetrating you hard and you wrapped your arms around him, pulled him in tight and told him you want him to slow it down.
     
  12. lbushwalker

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    Hi Milii same advice here also; communication.
    Guys tend to respond to visual and auditary signals and some of yours mean different things to most women we encounter.
    For example your increased breathing rate, panting, clutching and so on more often than not signals a man the need to increase speed and thrust which is exactly what is going wrong for you.
    Understanding what a guy thinks and acts then modifying his behaviour to suit your needs is really the key here and that of course goes back to communicating as nobody can read another easily until that is well established.
    With your next encounter at the very beggining make this patently clear to you potential sex partner and never ever be afraid to ask what you want as most of us guys will very happily respond to such requests.
    Wishing you well.
     
  13. cbrmale

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    The style the OP wants is very close to what I like doing, stretching things out and teasing, but it's not something that arouses my wife so much so we may start that way before moving to what she likes better. I didn't need to ask her, I just mixed it up and her body language told me.

    Coming from an older generation, and I don't want to appear reckless in posting this, but the dreaded condoms might be part of the problem. As a man who hardly ever has used them, I found the lack of sensitivity to be a major issue, and I couldn't feel so much what I was doing unless it was fast and regular. I did have a girl where we had to use them for a while and then were able to go natural, and then I could actually do what you like, because I could actually feel her vagina. So the answer for me was and is to be tested to be safe, and ensuring a reliable alternative method of birth control.

    If condom-numbness isn't the problem, then communication should work. The best time to talk about the next sexual encounter is anytime but in bed. At an opportune moment, discuss what you like and what turns you on and what you would like him to do next time. I'm sure if your next partner is decent he will give it a go. However, springing your desire on a man moments before penetration might come as a shock, and doesn't give that man the time to digest and plan.
     
  14. Alwayslearningsex

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    I think you need to tell a receptive and willing guy what you exactly need.
    It's normal for a guy to instinctively go faster, deeper at the hint of your incoming orgasm, he wants to stimulate you more and make it happen.
    You need to tell WHAT and HOW, teach to take his time, heck, write a secret letter he will find, give him the idea how to do it for you.
    Tell your guy not when about to have sex, but when he is most likely to listen, what you need to get to where you beg. If your guy likes you and wants to take you there, he will try, and you will know he is.
    He may not succeed th first time but if he is trying, better things should come. Remember, going faster is instinctive and a thought that more is better for a guy, tell him to make himself last longer, and it will give you what you want as well as himself. It's important to break the barriers and tell.
     
  15. Mobius

    Mobius New Member

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    And were not breakable it is actually possible to talk to guys. It really is alkthough it is hard to believe xD

    And nice way of telling the story got me turned on haha
     
  16. Nobody

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    I identify with you milii, what most people never realize is that sex is not a one size fits all.
    What works in one sexual relationship may be totally counter productive in the next.

    From my, male, perspective sex with a new partner is always an exploration of desires, tastes, and reactions. I find myself watching a woman's facial expressions closely and appreciatively during our initial encounters, but remember (and it does sound like you certainly already know this to be true) not every guy will make these strong attempts to tune into your wants, your likes, and your dislikes.

    Communication is key. Men are not the only poor communicators when it comes to sex, don't be afraid to tell him what you want to feel, what he can do for you to arouse and bring you to climax. If he won't learn, or compensate to ensure you enjoy yourself too. Find another guy to sleep with.

    Compatible parts do not automatically mean compatible lovers - some people are just notoriously bad at sex. I've met a few of them myself.

    Good luck to you - sincerely!