How difficult is it to leave?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by johnnyangel694u, Jun 19, 2010.

  1. johnnyangel694u

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    How difficult is it to leave a marriage?
    Married for 23 years. No love, no passion. Turned 50. One child graduated from college. One from high school. One in college. I am not the type of person to up and leave my family. I am not happy. I really would like to leave. Tried counseling. No communications. I am just tired.
     
  2. igor

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    I am in a similar position. Yes, I have thought of leaving, but things are just too complicated to do that. For one thing she has both physical as well as mental issues and it wouldn't be fair to her. Besides how does one just throw away many years of marriage? I don't know what the answer is but you are not alone.
     
  3. JustNaughty

    JustNaughty New Member

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    I'm going thru a divorce right now.I dealt with the exact thing you are for 15 years.But near the end it was so bad (the fighting,threats,hatred,stress,pain..) I ended up physically sick from all the crap we put each other thru.I was diagnosed with bleeding ulcers & high blood pressure.We started the divorce papers & it took me almost a year for me to just read his emails.I'd think of him & instantly have to run to the bathroom.You can't stay.You can't think you can handle dealing with the same crap until your ready to do something.I thought the same & I have 2 kids with him.But it hurt my kids more to stay & fight with him than it did to leave.You must do what is right for yourself.Being happy is important to your health & who wants to live each short day of life unhappy? We only get 1 shot at this life,make it count.Do what you need to do at least to have inner peace.Staying in any situation miserable & sad is just not worth anything.
    I hope you can find happiness again & do what is right for you,good luck :)
     
  4. Hot Wheels

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    JustNaughty makes some valid points Johnny.....and she's right when she says you only get one shot at it.... I feel for you mate...I really do....
    When I split with my first wife.... it was one of the darkest periods in my life:ugh
     
  5. johnnyangel694u

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    thanks for the replies. I feel so lost. I cry myself to sleep at night wondering what to do. So lost. So lonely. Feel like my life is a waste. Can't think straight. Stomach in knots. Head spinning. Can't sleep and eat.
     
  6. johnnyangel694u

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    Tried an experiment last night. Went to bed with wife. Tried real hard to show passion. Kissing and the whole nine yards. If felt nothing in myself and felt nothing in return from her. I am totally f@#$ed up.
     
  7. Hot Wheels

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    What have I missed here??
    Your still going to bed with her?
    What are her feelings on your relationship??
    Naturally, since you've gone down the counselling route before....you must know her take on the whole situation.....:shrug
     
  8. heelfetish

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    Oh my, Johnny, I'm so sorry to read this from you. You're breaking my heart, man.
     
  9. Barbwire

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    John, I've known you through this site for over 3 years and you've been singing the same tune that entire time.

    It's time to shit or gt off the pot, man.
     
  10. johnnyangel694u

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    Now I remember why I don't come around much anymore.
     
  11. Hot Wheels

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    Jeeesus Johnny.....she's just trying to be honest mate....there's no need to take offence....
    You asked the question, and invited input on your situation, then you seem to get upset because you didn't like the answers.
    Honestly man.....what do want us to say?:shrug
    You've made over 2000 posts....and are still a valued, long term member of this forum....surely you more than most should appreciate that we have only tried to offer constructive input into your situation.
    Sometimes, we need to be brutally honest with our answers, and tell you what we really think....not just what we think you want to hear.
    If your domestic situation really is that bad, then you know that there has to be changes....and there's plenty of parents out there who live apart and still care, and are there for, their kids.
    This has obviously been nagging at you for some time now....so it's time to stop complaining and...... DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

    If you need support, just remember man....we're all still here for you :eek:rgy
     
    #11 Hot Wheels, Jun 22, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2010
  12. Barbwire

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  13. Mittimer

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    I've only been around for a short while and I've came across numerous posts by Johnny about how his marriage is in the gutter.

    I am only 21 and just now starting out the married life, so my thoughts on this may not hold a flame to the married folks, but let me tell you something.

    You have NO excuse to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy. If you start searching for your comfort else where, whether it be in other women, booze, or other things, it really is 'time to shit or get off the pot' as someone else so eloquently put it.

    It's the TRUTH though. You haven't got anything to hold you back. You are an adult. I can only assume a moderately attractive adult and if you adjusted your attitude a bit, maybe once you're split from the current wife, you wont have a problem finding another women.

    Your kids? They aren't an issue. It's not like you're splitting and have a 2 year old son and one on the way. You're 50, your kids are at least 10 years old by now (assuming you started later in life) and you can clearly explain to them that you are the adult, you and mom love him but not each other anymore.

    It's rare these days that folks stay together anyhow. You would just because another statistic.

    Let me ask you this. It's a very simple question, with a pretty simple answer.

    Why are you still with her? All we want is one valid reason as to why you're in a dead end relationship and doing nothing but bitching about it and TALKING about leaving. Why are you wasting your time, why are you still with her?
     
  14. HardRocker

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    I would like to add one thing to what Mittimer said. It is important for children to see how adult men and women act toward each other, especially those that love each other. That is how they will know what to do when they begin to enter adulthood. If there is no apparent love between the two of you, then maybe moving on and finding new partners as soon as possible is best for the kids as well as both of you.
     
  15. johnnyangel694u

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    I consider myself a family man so that is one thing that is stopping me. Work for a family business that is trying to close up after 65 years of business. Can't live on my own financially. No benefits if I leave. I am taking the steps in preparation for the day that I get a good job with benefits. I built my house with blood sweat and tears. I hate to lose it. Never one of us can afford to keep the house on our own. I have tendency to put my happiness aside for others. Certain amount of safe feeling having a place to live and food to eat. Would I be happier alone? I don't know. Thought maybe there would be some incite from someone who did it.
    The blow job was a fluke thing. Fifteen minutes of feel good for me.
    My kids are all out of high school. One just graduated from college. One in college and one heading to college. I want them to have a roof over there head.
    For years this has been an emotional roller coaster for me. It has taken its toll on me. Thought maybe there was new members to give there 2 cents.
     
    #15 johnnyangel694u, Jun 23, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2010
  16. Hot Wheels

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    I'll ask again John......
    Does she want you to leave?....or is she content to go along with things the way they are?
    Maybe she is just as afraid of change as you appear to be?

    Oh', another thing.....family business or not, after that many years....at the end of the day, you should still get your entitlements....it's the law.
     
    #16 Hot Wheels, Jun 23, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2010
  17. north

    north New Member

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    Family or not, if you are unhappy that is a sign that it's time for a change. You will be a better father if you are living the contented life you long for.
    Too many people stay in dead relationships for a multitude of reasons, but at the end of the day we are all responsible for our own happiness.

    I may be younger than you, but take it from a girl who mustered up the courage to leave two dead-end relationships: had I stayed in either one, my life simply could have not moved forward and I would have stagnated as a person. I am now with the love of my life and my only regret is that I did not leave those unhappy situations/partners much earlier than I did.

    Best of luck to you.
     
  18. Marcpatrick

    Marcpatrick New Member

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    @johnnyangel694u
    You have to own the relationship. Lay out all your cards to your wife. She has to be fully aware of how you feel. Maybe by you opening up to her, she will feel more comfortable about opening up to you. Maybe you've done things you didn't even know you did that hardened her heart towards you.

    Take responsibility for the part you've played. It's comfortable and safe to play the blaming game. In the end you victimize yourself and demonize your wife. In fact she may be relieved if you tell her you are thinking about divorcing.

    You're 50. You're not getting younger. Not acting is sometimes a lot worse than taking a wrong action. Material things don't make us happier either. A house, food - these are important, but as the good book says 'Man cannot live on bread alone'. Where there's a will there is a way. Look into it before you decide anything drastic. Perhaps a family member can put you up for a while.

    Life-changing decisions are scary, but once you take that first step to extricate yourself from this soul-destroying situation, you will find you have made the best choice for everyone involved. Yes, you will appear selfish to certain people, yet others will understand your need to get out.

    Things in your life have to change: whether you leave your wife or improve things with her.

    Don't just imagine you live this life once and it's over. Nietzsche had this awful anecdote that when we die we are reincarnated into the same body and same life and you will live that life repeatedly forever and ever. Treat this life as though it's the blueprint for all the other lives you will have.
    I know it sounds ridiculous and far-fetched. I don't believe it at all myself, but sometimes pretending I believe it makes me take drastic life-changes that I would otherwise be too inert to take.

    My life has changed a lot over the years - new jobs, new countries, new relationships - and while I sometimes I am nostalgic for the old, I have never regretted any decision I took that I knew deep-down to be healthy for me.
     
  19. luvbug

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    WOW!! I thought I was reading a thread written by me!!
    I know how you feel....Im in the same boat.
    I dont have any advice.....you have to do what makes you happy.
    What works for one doesnt/wont necessarily work for another.
    I wish you the best.
     
  20. Marcpatrick

    Marcpatrick New Member

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    How are you both (johnnyangel and luvbug) dealing with things now in your own separate relationships?