How can I get him to take the initiative in bed?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by milesdavisgirl, May 7, 2007.

  1. milesdavisgirl

    milesdavisgirl New Member

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    My boyfriend and I are very close and have great sex. He is as attentive to my needs as I am to his. We communicate openly about what we would like in bed and what we don't like. However, there is one thing that kind of bothers me each time we are about to have sex. I suppose that I have a pretty high sex drive, and perhaps even higher than his, but each time we have sex, I am always the one who initiates it. I start the kissing, touching, etc. I climb on top of him and do most of the work at first. But I would so love it if he could initiate sex more often, like kissing me and touching me to get me in the mood. I have a feeling that it's because he's worried about being a gentleman in bed and doesn't want to make me feel uncomfortable, so he's careful about how he touches me. But sometimes a woman just wants to be caressed and feel wanted! When we are having sex, he also doesn't use his hands enough, like squeezing and caressing me. For example, if I'm on top, I would love if he caressed my breasts more often or squeezed my thighs to make feel like he wants me passionately. Instead, he sits back and just watches, which is fine too, but I would love if his hands could be involved more!

    I have dropped more than a couple of hints to try to get him to take the initiative in bed. ("You can definitely make the first move and start something if you're in the mood, because you know I want you as much as you want me, right?") Moreover, he knows that I have a high sex drive. I have tried to sit back and see if he would take the initiative, but usually it just ends up being either I can't take it anymore and I need to initiate something or we just don't end up having sex for the night. How can I let him know that I WANT him to touch and squeeze me more often in bed and to initiate things without making him feel bad?

    Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks in advance.
     
  2. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    No offence intended here , but if he is as attentive as you sexualy, then you wouldnt always be the one who initiates the sexual side of things.

    and sadly guys for some reason do not get small hints average hints, large hints , screaming in his face hints..

    Guys are more of a straight direct sort of creature, you mayy find it far easier and better if you are as direct with him as possible tell him what you want .
    And was he a virgin before he met you ( still not meaning any offence ) just that if he is worried about being a gentlemen sexualy, then it may well be that he is very inexperienced at taking matters into his own...
    Even a gentlemen would know that making the first move with your lover can excite them emensly.
    I am a submissive guy, but i still would make the first moves and have done , usualy in my relationships i have always been the giver , and rarely have i had the pelasure of being the taker lol


    How is his confidence in genral, could this maybe be to do with religion , or upbringing ?
     
  3. cbrmale

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    I am a naturally dominant guy, but if a partner wants me to do something, then she really has to ask. We men don't get hints very well, so say 'I would really like you to do 'x' to me, it would really turn me on' and see if that works. Use the 'I' word and explain how it would affect you, it is very important that you do it this way.
     
  4. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    I actually have the same problem with my g/f.. she used to be really aggressive in bed and would initiate things when we first got together. Then at some point I became the dominant one and would initiate sex... to the point that she never initiated it.

    So I can relate to how you feel. You are laying in bed hoping he will touch you or kiss you... and get things rolling..but after awhile you realize he is just going to fall asleep or something and there won't be any sex unless you do something.

    Been there... believe me.

    I talked to my g/f about how it was bothering me.. and she said she wanted to feel wanted... and that is why she lets me initiate things. I told her I want to feel wanted to.. and not feel like I am forcing myself on you all the time.. I told her it was becoming a burden knowing I had to be the aggressor all the time.

    After that conversation, she has gotten back to her old self now and initiates sex alot more often now.

    As for the fact he lays there and doesn't touch you when you are on top of him.. grab his hands and put them on your hips or breasts.. he will get the clue. Keep doing it until he gets the message... I doubt he is that dense that he won't get the hint.
     
  5. Pride

    Pride New Member

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    i dont know but if hes anything like me then he prolly notices the signs but is not sure enuff if himself to act on them. Unfortunately i found this is hard to get over most time. Since i struggle with that quite a bit i know what its like. i almost have to be told flat out what she wants becuz im too unsure if that the signs shes giving are the ones shes TRYING to give me.

    i mean on more than one occasion ive had a girl be like "kiss me already"....or just forcefully pull me to them and kiss me or sumthing.

    im not much for sign language it seesm usually im right on what im thinking but i cant convince myself that im right.

    maybe tell him what the signs are and if he sees them then not be afraid to act on them. i mean other than that im not quite sure becuz its more of a personality thing.
     
  6. HouseHunny

    HouseHunny New Member

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    You have to tell him straight out what you want from him. You say that you can openly talk to him about things, if this is the case...don't just drop hints. From what I have seen, guys do not process hints all too well. You have to come more direct with what you want.
     
  7. milesdavisgirl

    milesdavisgirl New Member

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    By attentive, I just meant during sex, he is very much a giver and listens to me when I tell him what I like and don't like. :)

    No, he has had 8 other sexual partners, but he definitely has lot of old-fashioned values as he was brought up in a hispanic family in a hispanic neighborhood. (He is Cuban, if that matters at all.) Generally, he is very confident with himself both inside and outside of bed. I've given more than enough compliments about his skills, which are all very true and sincere.

    Thank you for all of your responses. You all helped me a lot in figuring out what he might be thinking and feeling on his side. I will definitely communicate my concerns to him in a straightforward way because I've realized that the feeling of being wanted and physical touch are actually quite important to me. At first, I didn't mind being the initiator all the time because I found it exciting (like I was conquering something each time), but now that we have settled into a comfortable relationship, if I am considered a burden by him, it really makes me sad. I'm sure I'm not a burden, but it sure feels that way sometimes! But I will definitely let him know in a harmless way what I would like from him. Thanks again, everyone!