How can I explain what I need

Discussion in 'Sexual Foreplay and Techniques' started by LA_20, Apr 15, 2007.

  1. LA_20

    LA_20 New Member

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    Before I ask my question I just want to say how thankful I am to have discovered :sf and the information I have learned here has helped me in so many ways. Through this forum I gained enough information to feel comfortable exploring new aspects of my relationship with my boyfriend that I would not have explored without y'alls advice. I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 months and because he is my first serious boyfriend we've been taking things slow. We've been mutually touching each other for about 2 months now, and while he often makes me feel very good I have never orgasmed. If i am alone with ample free time I can easily have 3-7 orgasms in a hour. I've tried to explain what I need differently and have masturbated in front of him but it seems like whenever he touches me it is not enough to send me over the edge.
    I care about him a lot and I am not considering breaking up with him or anything like that because of this issue but it is frustrating. In the past two weeks I have started giving him blow jobs and although I am definately inexperienced I have never failed to bring him off. Although I do get pleasure out of making him feel good it is frustrating when he can touch me for close to a hour and I get nothing but if I go home I can have an orgasm within 15 minutes.
    He has gone down on me twice and while I felt like I came closer to an orgasm it took me a lot longer to reach that point (probably 30 min) at which point it leveled out and we eventually moved on because I feel guilty making him work hard if I know it is not going to happen.
    I would love any tips or advice on how we can overcome this issue because while it is not the end of the world I would love to be able to orgasm from his hand or mouth. Thank you for taking the time to read this
    -LA
     
  2. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    Female Orgasm And Masturbation
    1) The Importance of Female Masturbation

    If a woman can bring herself to orgasm via masturbation she’s already won half the battle. Understand that men don’t “give” orgasms to women; they can only help them achieve them. In order to orgasm a woman has to both be in the right frame of mind and receive the right stimulation. If she can masturbate to an orgasm by herself she’s figured out both of these actions, and now she just needs to open up and share it all with you.

    That, however, can be easier said than done. Many women still feel masturbating, especially for women, is still taboo. If this is an issue for your lover you need to let her know that you can’t figure out how to push all the right “bells & whistles” if she can’t tell you where they are. You are a man, a great man, but you’re not a mind reader. Each woman is unique, the sort of touch, stroke, caress, etc. that drives one woman wild can drive another one crazy – with annoyance!

    Ideally she should practice masturbating on her own and then share with you what she’s learned – this isn’t because I want you to be left out, it’s because learning how to orgasm for some women can take a very long time! You, however, can play a key role in helping her get into that right “sexy” frame of mind. Remember, the brain is the biggest sex organ. You can help get your lover ready to let her “fingers do the walking” with a steamy phone conversation just before she begins, or even during. The sexy sound of your voice may be just the thing to get things moving in the right direction. Make sure to lay the compliments on thick! Tell her how beautiful you find her, and how amazingly sexy the idea of what she’s doing is for you. Also let her know how thrilling it would be for you to be able to watch her in person, how much you would love every sight, sound, taste and smell. In this way she’ll start getting use to the idea of “showing” you how it all works for her.

    Please note orgasms are like muscles, if you haven’t learned how to use them they take awhile to get condition. Do your best to be patient and supportive of her progress. The rewards will be worth it!


    2) Overcoming Shame About Sex

    We still live in a world of double standards in regards to men, women and sex. If your lover has been raised to believe sex is a sin then you really have some serious conversations ahead of you. Some women feel that it’s okay to have sex so long as they’re “passive” about it, as long as they just let it be “done” to them.

    For some men this is just fine, but as I pointed out, when a woman isn’t truly enjoying sex (and that usually includes orgasms for her as well) she’ll find all kinds of reasons not to participate in it. Ideally you want an active female participant who isn’t going to leave you with all the responsibility for everyone’s pleasure. Passive might seem just fine in the beginning, but sooner or later you’re going to get bored.

    If she won’t honestly look at her beliefs and how they’re harming your sex life together, you may want to reconsider the relationship. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but some people just aren’t going to change religious beliefs they’ve had their whole lives.


    3) If She’s Taking Anti-Depressants

    Anti-Depressants can be a big challenge. They are very serious medicine and often have nasty side effects. If your lover is on an anti-depressant and that seems to be the reason she can’t orgasm (like say, she was able to in the past but can’t now) than she has a few choices – but all involve her doctor.

    She needs to be frank with the doctor about what’s happening and ask if a) she can go on a lower dosage or b) perhaps try a type that doesn’t have such serious sexual side effects. Again you’ll both need to be patient because most of these drugs cannot be stopped cold turkey without serious and sometimes harmful side effects. Dealing with anti-depressants should always be in cooperation with a medical doctor.


    4) Is There Abuse In Her Past?

    Sad but true many of us have been sexually abused as children. If this is the case with your lover she needs to seriously consider getting the appropriate counseling. Of course you can talk with her about it, but you’re not qualified to work through her trauma with her. Understand that this is beyond your powers to heal. She needs to see a professional, but certainly your love and support will be needed as well.


    5) Her Belief About the Female Orgasm

    There is still the idea out there that female orgasms aren’t, and shouldn’t be, as important to women as to men. That idea has led us to miscommunication for years and years and huge numbers of women claiming to have a headache rather than face sex with a man. No, a woman doesn’t always have to orgasm from sex, but then neither does a man. There are times when you can have a tremendously erotic experience from just pleasing your partner, or perhaps, just from foreplay where neither party “gets off”.

    The important point here is that you both recognize that her orgasms are as important as yours. True, hers might take longer to bring about, but that doesn’t mean she should get the short end of the stick as far as receiving them.
     
  3. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    G-spot And Orgasms

    So back to girls and the different types of genital orgasms they can experience. Just about all-genital arousal for women starts with the clitoris; so ignore this magnificent bundle of nerves at your own peril. However, once a woman is fully aroused via clitoral stimulation, you can either add or switch (depending on the woman’s preference) to different types of genital stimulation for variations on the orgasmic bang.

    Which brings us to the much wondered about “G-Spot.” While scientist and sexuality experts still

    argue whether the spot actually exists, regular people are quietly (and not so quietly) going about seeking it out and all the pleasurable possibilities it can ignite in their love lives.


    Getting to the G-Spot

    Okay, so let’s get down to the “G-Spot” basics. First off, the name comes from a Dr. Grafenberg who wrote about this special area of a woman’s anatomy back in the 1950’s - it’s not, however, necessarily a spot. On his website doctorg.org Dr. Gary Schubach, a sex educator and writer, quotes from Grafenberg’s originally published study in order to argue for the existence of the sensitive area and gives a very good explanation of what could be going on:

    “Grafenberg does not refer to the G-spot as ‘a small but allegedly highly sensitive area on the anterior wall of the human vagina about a third of the way up from the vaginal opening,’ but to the ‘area’ or ‘zone’ on the upper wall of the vagina through which the prostate (aka Skene`s glands and ducts) can be accessed. In women, the prostate gland, while generally smaller than the male prostate, also surrounds the urethra, close to the urethral opening. The great sensitivity comes not from what is on the upper wall of the vagina, but from glands and ducts behind the vaginal wall.”

    It’s very important to pay attention to the fact that the sensitive “G-zone” is apparently behind the vaginal wall as well as the fact that this area isn’t sensitive to stimulation unless a woman is already aroused.

    So yes, your girl needs to be totally hot and bothered before you let your fingers do the walking to discovery because otherwise you’re going to come up (pardon the pun) dry. In fact, it’s best if she’s already had at least one orgasm before you go on your search just to make sure she’s totally ready. It’s also important to note that the “G-zone” often needs quite strong stimulation in order to trigger any pleasurable response. These two previous reasons, plus the tricky location, explain why the “G-zone” is so challenging for women to both find and trigger on their own.

    It’s great to be needed!


    Triggering the G-Spot

    So your gal is all hot and bothered, all wet and ready, and now you’re ready to venture forth and see what you can make happen. It’s a good idea to move forward with the idea of “finding pleasure zones in her vagina” rather than getting yourselves stuck on the idea that you will find the G-Spot and it will trigger such an amazing mind blowing orgasm that your gal will weep with the ecstasy of it all.

    Don’t get me wrong, that would be a wonderful thing to make happen, but in my experience in dealing with this tricky area it’s more of a process of discovery rather than an immediate eureka! What I mean by this is that in the women who have learned to have orgasms triggered this way find the G-Spot often becomes more sensitive and able to trigger an orgasm over time and, well, use.

    Think of it like a muscle, if it hasn’t been used in a long time, or ever, how effective is it going to be the first time it’s called to action?

    And of course, it’s important to note that not all women are going to respond to stimulation in this area – and with some women you’re going to find a totally different area in her vagina that’s super sensitive to stimulation that you never new about before.

    So it’s important to spend time discovering her magnificent cave and all that’s going on in there.

    With this in mind, and with your woman all turned on, she needs to do two things before you can get down to business:

    1) She needs to empty her bladder before you begin as you’re going to be stimulating an area close to her bladder and it often makes her feel like she needs to pee when first stimulated. If she’s nice and empty beforehand she won’t be worried about possible leaks.


    The G-Spot Needs Easy Access

    2) She needs to be in a comfortable position, as do you, and of course one that allows you easy access to the G-Spot. Two good positions are in a big comfortable chair, facing you, with you sitting on the floor in front of her – this way you have access to her clit with your other hand, and your mouth. The second good position is with her lying on her stomach, hips elevated with a pillow, legs wide so you can have easy access to her – and again you might want to be sitting on the ground.

    It’s important not to rush forward into fingering her, which might be the thing you’re so use to doing. Instead insert one or two fingers and gently but firmly press against the front wall of her vagina. Starting about an inch or so up start making “come here” motions with your fingers against her vagina, or if that doesn’t feel good to her, press firmly moving your way up. You’re looking for an area that is either swollen or a very different texture (one friend of mine said it felt like the ridges on the roof of your mouth just behind your front teeth). Once you hit this area try the come-hither motion, or pressing and rubbing, while at the same time giving her (or she can take charge of this) clitoral stimulation.

    The goal is to try and transfer the pleasure from just clitoral stimulation to a combo of clitoral and G-Spot stimulation. This is why it’s a good reason to have her handle her clitoris herself, as she feels new pleasurable sensations in her G-Spot she can back off her clitoris and enjoy what you’re doing…but it’ll be give and take. Remember this is a learning process – but one that will definitely be worth it!

    I HOPE IN SOME SMALL WAY THIS HELPS.
    JUST SOUNDS LIKE A LACK OF EXPERIENCE PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT AND IT IS A WHOLE LOAD OF FUN PRACTICING HEHE
     
  4. MikeDog

    MikeDog New Member

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    Hi LA, my guess is you just need more time and practice with this guy. 2 months isn't a long time and he's only gone down on you twice. I think you could be thinking about it too much. 15 minutes, 30 minutes and hour...it doesn't matter how long it takes, there is no time limit. You both probably just need more time to relax and learn to trust each other and then orgasms will flow. It's great that you are showing him how you do it. He will learn from that and with some practice you will cum like crazy. Orgasms take place in the mind, the body parts just go along for the ride.

    Is he doing what you show him or is he doing something different?
     
  5. LA_20

    LA_20 New Member

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    Thank you for the replies, I really appreciate them.

    Kronnie- Although I have never been sexually abused, taken anti depressants, or raised to believe that sex was a not taboo subject it could be that on some level I am still nervous about being very open with my sexuality. I greatly appreciated your two posts and while I think the gspot is probably a while off I might try to experiment on my own. Thanks again

    MikeDog- I think you are completely right in that we simply need more practice. It sounds very selfish but it's kind of hard when i get him off 2-3 times each time we are together and I haven't had my needs satisfied... but as you said 2 months is not a long time and girls bodies can definately be confusing.
    Whenever i masturbate in front of him I try to show him what I usually do when I am alone and he is very good at repeating what I'm doing. I think my biggest problem occurs when I get close to orgasming because I often concentrate on different parts of my clitoris depending on the day and I have a hard time communicating what I need to send me over the edge so i tend to let him continue and then the feeling passes.

    We are both in school so we don't have many opportunities to explore but this sunday we are spending the entire day together so I'm going to work on relaxing and making sure to communicate while we're having fun.

    Thank you for those who reponsed, I really appreciate it.
    Any other opinions, tips, or advice?
     
  6. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    That is why i put that at the end. as you are both very young, i never was thinking you had been abused or anything like that, i was mainly just trying to put some advice up as to how your lover can learn more on how to give you as much pleasure as you give him.

    Females do tend to need a lot more for arousal than us guys do.


    Good luck though :)
     
  7. MikeDog

    MikeDog New Member

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    It's good you are right at the edge LA, as you said all you need is for him to learn how to do the final push and you may need to adjust your mindset too near the end to just let go. It might be a little diff feeling then doing it by yourself.

    If you already aren't maybe you can tell him when you are getting close so he can step up the intensity for the final push? Maybe the change of pace will be enough.
     
    #7 MikeDog, Apr 16, 2007
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2007
  8. loveit247

    Gold Member

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    LA 20, join the club, I always bring myself to orgasm during sex. My SO will do the fucking and I do the rubbing. Don't stress about it. It is just that the man cannot time the stokes to your own inner pulsations. I stopped stressing and adapted myself to having sex the way I enjoy it. It does great for us.
     
  9. SexyScorp

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    Maybe with practise and skill and good intention :)
    you will bring your woman off.....

    It aint impossible..but as Loveit says dont stress
    about it....

    Takes patience and a very skilled and selfless man!!!!
     
  10. Elvis

    Elvis Member

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    May I just comment that if you're copy pasting (quoting) someone elses writings, it's only fair to put them in "italics" and inverted commas doc.:eyes

    Lack of spelling errors is the first clue!

    Is Homour a member of the Simpson family?:D
     
  11. hotstuff6900

    hotstuff6900 New Member

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    It takes alot to make a girl orgasm. It takes tons of practice. One of these days you two will be playing and it will just hit you. You'll say "Stop. Right there." Then he will know where to get you. I am with alot of guys and sometimes if I'm not getting anything I will get myself up to and orgasm and then hand it over to him. Your boyfriend will enjoy seeing you masterbate. All guys like to watch. Get yourself close and then then hand it over to him. You should orgasm easily for him then.
     
  12. LA_20

    LA_20 New Member

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    *UPDATE*

    He came back from his trip last night so we could only hang out for a few hours, but wow.... definately had a wonderful time. I had told him earlier this week that I really just wanted to see him and cuddle, that right now I just needed him to be my rock. He took this to heart and showered me with love and attention today. He took me out to dinner, then back to his house for a hour long massage, and although he went into the evening not expecting anything it eventually got more sexual. He insisted that he please me, and said that he could care less if he got off, he just wanted to make me feel good.
    Despite all of his attention and the fact he took things really slowly I still didn't orgasm. That being said I think it is because I can't let go. It felt incredible and I was having all my normal pre-orgasm feelings but 10 times more intense, and I think deep down I'm afraid of letting go and seeing what happens. He says that he loves it when i am vocal and that when I am, it turns him on more, but I guess deep down I'm afraid that I'll scare him off if I let go and release and let whats building up inside come out.
    Any tips on how I can get rid of this inner doubt and let myself enjoy what he is trying to give to me?
     
  13. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    Well to me i think nearly every guy would be highly aroused and feeling great inside , when their partner orgasms as it is a very special moment the first time your g/f does.
    Many guys will be far from turned off by this.
    He seems as if he loves and cares fro you very much, so i very very much doubt he will run away and leave you for ever , just because you orasmsed in front of him hun.
     
  14. MikeDog

    MikeDog New Member

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    When a women lets go at the moment of orgasm it is the HOTTEST thing on earth :bow Don't be afraid LA, let it go and really enjoy yourself and he will enjoy it too, trust me. Guys love it when their girl gets off so don't leave anything on the table.
     
  15. RubyRed

    RubyRed New Member

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    There's a lot of good advice on here. I would emphasize that self-stimulation is a really great trick during penetration. I love to rub my clit while my husband fucks me and he LOVES to see me come over and over again. Yum!

    Also, MikeDog is absolutely right. Men love nothing more than to see a woman completely lose control of herself in the throes of passion. You might be making funny noises, funny faces, and squirming and wriggling and thrashing about but trust me, he is loving every second of it!

    It sounds like you are very, very close. Like you said, you just need to get over that little *hump* (pun intended) and you're all set!

    You are really lucky to have such a caring and determined lover. I applaud you both and wish you the best of luck in your efforts :)