HORNY but not for hubby...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by runforyoulife, Jan 11, 2012.

  1. runforyoulife

    runforyoulife Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2011
    Messages:
    131
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    To clarify I know there is going to be a lot of WTF when you read this....

    Long story short: I have been married for 5 years (together for 8), sex has always been ok, I always orgasm. Here lately it has been BLAH! I have come to realize that I can only get off by clitoral stimulation (mostly I work it on top or hubby is on top), and it is becoming a little harder to for me to orgasm.

    When we have sex he does a lot of work at first but then I usually have to get on top and grind against him in order to orgasm which takes a long time. I have also been extremely horny, just not for him.... takes a lot for him to even get me turned on.

    I am also not even sure if I've ever had an orgasm through vaginal stimulation. Is this normal? I have also noticed that I don't feel him as well inside me when we are missionary. I feel him more length wise if I sit straight up on it or if he does me doggy, but the girth is not there.

    Not to mention that he has been my one and only. I had to admit it but I think I am craving some strange. Like I said, you will be saying WTF when you read this. We have been together since I was 15..... and I am feeling frisky.

    Any advice will help. Preach about infidelity if you feel like you need to... but I just want to figure something out before I am uncontrollable from sexual frustrations.

    Thanks :)
     
  2. Alwayslearningsex

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 29, 2010
    Messages:
    2,249
    Likes Received:
    789
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada
    I won't give the WTF but just the ???
    How is communication, how is life overall, the attraction, not just the affection, do you do things apart and together, those questions.
    How much does he try to bring you to orgasm? Have you told him and show him or told him what / how?
    Either of you going through something.
    At 23 you are still relatively young and while it's good to be committed I am not sure whether to praise you or say you should have experienced like more before settling down on one to be sure he is the one, but maybe he is. If things are really not working overall things are going nowhere.
    Give it a good try before leaving if this is what you wonder about, then you can look at yourself knowing you did the right thing.
     
  3. Ashlee41293

    Ashlee41293 New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2011
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    USA
    Are you physically not attracted to him? Or is he just not good in the sack? Just trying to understand if your horny, why not for him.
     
  4. 12barblues

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 8, 2012
    Messages:
    5,297
    Likes Received:
    3,744
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    california, USA
    This is good advice i believe.....communication is always the answer..you shouldnt be talking to us, talk to him...you may be surprised at what you may learn about each other....
    I say this because i had a 30 year relationship with a woman that i didnt communicate very well with...it lasted that long because i made a commitment and i tried as hard as i could to make it work..but it didnt..
    Now i have a woman in my life that is amazingly open and honest...painfully so, in some ways.lol... But that honesty opened doors for us that were amazing , and that trickled over into our sex lives as well!!

    if you're having trouble talking about sex in particular, try talking about it when you're NOT having it...sometimes its hard to say you didnt really enjoy something when he's in the act of doing it to you ...or telling him what to do or how to do it, right when he's thinking he's blowing your mind. ( youre sensitive and you wouldnt want to hurt his feelings or make him feel inadaquate) so bring it up with some tact later...BUT BE HONEST WITH HIM....he deserves it. i am pretty sure if you start the "talking" he will love it, and you'll be off and running.... we hope...lol
     
  5. runforyoulife

    runforyoulife Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2011
    Messages:
    131
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks for all the advice. I know I need to talk to him. What makes it difficult is that he is very insecure and has a big ego. I tell him what I like and how to turn me on but some times it's just not there. It used to be amazing and now it has become a lot of work. He has gotten sloppy..... I don't know. It's just not the same.

    I am sexually attracted to him, but have lost some in a sense. I am changing and am not the 15 year old girl that I used to be, and he keeps bringing that up.

    We are always together ALWAYS. We hardly have any times apart and we have always been open. I am afraid to bring up the fact that he might not be big enough for me. This would hurt his feelings and bring a lot of hurt in.... I just don't know what to say or how to say it....

    I'm slightly lost. A big pool of mixed emotions..... I just wanted to talk it out on here before I actually brought anything up to him. Get a hint of what to say and how to say it with out hurting him.
     
    EasiestE3 likes this.
  6. hornyguyAR

    hornyguyAR New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2011
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Arkansas
    I agree with the above. You have 8 yrs. invested in this relationship, that deserves a good try at finding a solution to the problem. As far as the physical feeling, or lack of it, maybe look into Kegal exercises. That can do amazing things. Just a thought. Good luck, and I hope things get better for yall.

    I forgot to ask, are there children?
     
  7. runforyoulife

    runforyoulife Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2011
    Messages:
    131
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks, I will look into that and luck is needed...

    Nope no children. I am still in nursing school and want to play it smart, no kids until I figure myself out...

    He wants kids now....
     
  8. AGFUNK

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2010
    Messages:
    3,974
    Likes Received:
    3,237
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    IL
    You really do need to talk to him though if you want your sex life to get any better. Keeping silent about it won't make it any better and will probably make it worse.

    Try some new things since everything that has worked doesn't work anymore. Perhaps you just need some variety. As for the girth issue that has just come up you can try doing kegel exercises to help you tighten up. Just squeeze your vaginal muscles hold for ten seconds and release and you can do those anytime and will make a difference if you do it for at least five minutes a day.
     
  9. cbrmale

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2006
    Messages:
    3,493
    Likes Received:
    291
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canberra
    Seven or eight years is about the time it takes to think of others. I recently had sex with a married woman similar in some ways to you: she had only had sex with her husband, married at 18, she was 40, but still felt to the urge to stray. Obviously she acted on that urge. My girlfriend is similar in age and also married, and we catch up every month or so.

    I'm not going to recommend you do what these women did (and do), and what I do too as I am married as well, but if you do and you want to keep you marriage you have two choices. Talk it through and get permission, which is not likely, or be very, very discreet.

    I don't think talking helps; most married men and women have the urge to stray, and about half act on that urge. I don't think talking about sex with your SO is going to change the desire to see what it could be like.

    To clarify: very few women orgasm through vaginal intercourse. My wife does sometimes, the other women in my life haven't so far with me, not many other women have with me as well. I think the percentage is about 30% of women orgasm that way sometimes, and about 70% never.

    Missionary is a looser position, woman on top is a tighter position. I have an extremely thick penis so I usually start on top because I can penetrate without as much difficulty, and then we change after a bit. With average-thickness men, you will sense the difference between the two positions. Thick men like me are very, very rare.
     
  10. somhairle

    somhairle Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2012
    Messages:
    1,388
    Likes Received:
    144
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Scotland
    I am new here so excuse me if I breach protocol - let me know. It is pretty essential that you do talk to hubby about this. I am older than you but for some years my wife and myself have not had sex. I don't know if she was bored, tired or what but we grew apart physically and decided it was no longer worth the effort. As a man, I am sure that I would be happy to hear that my partner needed to try something different to stimulate an orgasm. And remember that most of us don't have a clue how a woman's body works - we like to think that we do, but we don't. Nowadays, the internet helps, I suppose, so he may have a better idea than I think. But perhaps he does not want to try anything too adventurous as he thinks that you may not approve. Remember also, that many men tend to place their wife's and partners on a pedestal and may think that they are not that interested in adventurous sex. So, maybe some evening when you are snuggled up in bed, you may feel like opening up about what you would like to do. Also, without being too graphic, maybe you could adopt a position that would enable him to use his hands on you more - even if you need to guide him at first.

    But don't leave it too late, you may not be able to correct it then - believe me, I think I know.

    As I said originally, I hope that I have not breeched protocols here or been too personnel (me!)
     
  11. Meow181

    Meow181 Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 11, 2011
    Messages:
    379
    Likes Received:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Australia
    Been there done that.. if U can live with U and yr actions that may follow.. get a lover...!!! best thing I ever did lol... JMHO it worked for me
     
  12. 12barblues

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 8, 2012
    Messages:
    5,297
    Likes Received:
    3,744
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    california, USA
    if you have a heart , and any compasion for him...dont cheat on him...no one deserves that. Have the decency to leave him if you have to. if you hate him and want to "punish" him in some strange way then i guess go ahead and cheat. I'm speaking from the perspective of some one who has been on both sides of "cheating".
     
  13. Alwayslearningsex

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 29, 2010
    Messages:
    2,249
    Likes Received:
    789
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada
    A smart decision! Do not have kids with someone unless you know for sure you will be in for the long run and that differences between partners are not deal breakers.
    As for the comment that you changed, well of course you did, especially your age where you are coming into your own more as an adult, and learning about yourself. HE has changed too. No need to meet him to say that, it happens to all although at different times.
    Ego is a difficult thing to deal with.
    Yje next thing some would suggest is therapy, once again communication, openness, etc. Not to trash him but ego is one bad thing to have in a relationship but sometimes it covers for something else.
    I can't go there, won't, it's between you and hubby.
     
  14. lbushwalker

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2006
    Messages:
    6,965
    Likes Received:
    5,078
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    'Stralia Mate!
    The grass seems always greener on the other side but the reality is often not.
    That said having only ever experienced sex with one person does limit your perspective and leave you wondering if there is possibly more out there.
    In fact there certainly is but you have to be brave & determined to persue that option.
    My sense is that eventually the frustration will destroy your relationship.
    Better to be up front tell him how it is and seek some space to discover where you really do want to be. No easy answer here and certainly nobody should lecture you on wtf: it is a personal choice. Wishing you well.
     
  15. runforyoulife

    runforyoulife Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2011
    Messages:
    131
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks for all the advice! You guys have helped a lot! Like I said, I am one lost puppy right now, all these emotions and feelings and I have no clue as to what to do with myself... I have tried talking to my mom, she is on both sides as well so she doesn't help any. I have not let on at all to him that I have been feeling unsatisfied. Although he always makes sure I orgasm I still feel unsatisfied. I am more afraid that it will hurt us more than help us if I am too honest, especially when saying his girth may not be big enough.

    To touch on a little bit of all comments:

    We try different positions all the time, I have tons of toys, and we foreplay.... like I said something just isn't the same. I don't get turned on easily by him any more and it is harder for me to orgasm, takes longer. I am beginning to think it is all in my head. I am over thinking and creating a mess that isn't there.... I don't know.

    To be completely honest with all you strangers, yes I have been thinking of others. I am more turned on by other guys than my own husband :( and I don't know how to change that. I do crossfit and have even thought about cheating on him with the crossfit trainer. Who is super fine... although I have made no moves, no flirting, more of a fantasy I suppose. I want to explore sex with others, I know this is because he has been my only and the last year or so of losing interest.....

    I do love him, and am so mixed up. Some times I am so horny and watch porn when he's gone and think about cheating while I play with myself (yes super horny), but then I can't stand the thoughts of doing that to him. Yea I know... I jacked up that's for sure.

    After talking this over, I think I may need to definitely think things through and not act on rash decisions. I have two years of school to finish and won't be leaving before then, but then again I am afraid my cheating ideas may get worse and I may act on them.

    AHHHH!

    Thanks again, I am definitely playing patient and therapist here......lol.
     
  16. runforyoulife

    runforyoulife Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2011
    Messages:
    131
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Both sides as in stay with him because he is my love and I will not find anybody to treat me better, or divorce him after school because I can't be miserable.

    She also said sex isn't everything...... but is nothing works out after we explore all options I stay with him because I love him for the rest of our lives and have a crappy sex life?
     
  17. cutegirl

    cutegirl New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2011
    Messages:
    247
    Likes Received:
    9
    Gender:
    Female
    Just a suggestion: Try watching porns with him together. Watch your favorite porns. Then ask him to do those things (your favorite things from the porn) to you. You can imagine anyone doing your favorite things...when he will be doing the same...See it helps or not.
     
  18. kinda_hung

    kinda_hung New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2011
    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    mo
    I'm very bored with my wife. She's not very kinky in bed. We watch porn sometimes. We've been married 10yrs. I've thought about cheating etc. Just yesterday I asked about having a 3 some with another woman. She went nuts! Lol. She told me to go out and get some strange. She thinks that since she's the only woman I've had sex with I need to experiment.
     
  19. cbrmale

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2006
    Messages:
    3,493
    Likes Received:
    291
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canberra
    Sex is a two-way thing, and the more experienced and confident your partner is, the more you respond. I have had a lot of sex with a lot of different women, and get me naked with a woman who knows what it's about, and all hell will break loose. Get me naked with a woman who's passive and placid, and the best it will be is average.

    My personal view is that we should all have a number of sexual partners in our lives, and ideally at least one who was way 'out there'. I've had a few who were out there.

    Maybe your wife is right and maybe you need to experiment, and maybe after your sex life at home will improve.
     
  20. HardRocker

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2006
    Messages:
    5,719
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    Kinda_hung, you could start a thread about that so members can know the specifics and maybe offer some good help.

    ____________

    Runforyoulife, does he have a stressful job or something else in his life that could be sucking the wind out of his sails, so to speak? Weird, I don't usually use nautical analogies.:eyes
    Maybe I missed it but has he had a few more sexual partners, or might he be quietly experiencing the same confusing dilemma as you?