honest opinions please!

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by davej, Nov 1, 2011.

  1. davej

    davej Member

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    Hey guys and girls, this is a very serious question. When I went home on leave last week my ex girlfriend texted me and wanted to hang out. I said ok because I haven't seen her in so long. We hung out and it seemed like things really never ended between us. Kinda weird feeling but thats how it felt. We Hung out quite a lot while I was home the the 2 weeks and I had such a blast with her. A kinda big issue is that she has a 1 year old son and the dad is a piece of **** and isn't in the the picture. I got a text from her saying that she wanted to be with me. I had already told her that I didn't want a long distance relationship. I really do like her but I would have to change a lot of my priorities if I were to be in a relationship with her. This has been eating at me for a little while. I love kids but it takes a real man to help raise another man's child. not saying that I can't do it because when I was with her we had him with us almost the entire time and I really enjoyed every minute of it. The biggest thing is the distance part. I've tried a long distance relationship before and it seems to never work out. Please let me know what yall would do in this situation. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Sorry for the long read. Just need some honest opinions.
     
  2. hubbywubby

    hubbywubby New Member

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    Two things do you have the money and do you trust her. Oh i gues also do you love her. I tried it ince and we were doing creat. She lived 1500 mile away. I was in denial and thoguth love would make it work. One day I got my phone bille which was like 400 bucks. I was thinking of fly down and renting a car. anothe 7oo bucks. and it would have been for three days. I called her that night and ended it. I just had to do it quick and told her there was someone else and we were getting bakc toghtter. I sent her a check ad a note . The check was for $200 dollars. I told her I was sorry but there was no way I could move and I knew she was not ready to move as well. I really did not want her to. So that was it she was in shoc but it was well worth it. I would have spent a ton of money and proballey would have had the same out comes. Get out.. Just my advice....Log distance relattionships suck unless you loaded cash wise.
     
  3. GingerPower

    GingerPower New Member

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    All great questions hubbywubby!
    1-Do you love her?
    2-Are you financially stable enough to take on not only a woman but a child?
    3-Do you trust her?
    4-Do you have the actual time?-this means being able to travel and visit her on a regular basis, and vice versa. It's a two way street!

    You can blab all you want about the problem being long distance (which I'm sure plays an important role) but it's much more than that. You spend a day with her... that's great! So she wants to be with you after one hang out session? (I don't care if you two spent 10 years with each other, that seems like jumping into things rather fast) How long had it been since you had seen her last? Clearly a great deal has happen with her since you two were together, are you ready for the brunt of that?
    Being with someone is not dating or hanging out, it means true commitment. And, as you said raising her child. Are you ready for that? That means if things don't work out in 2 or 3 years your leaving not only her but this child you have been raising. Furthermore, I'm not sure how much raising one can do from long distance.

    Simply going on what you have told us, I would not go for it. A relationship is not a solo journey. She has to be willing to put in just as much work as you do, that means traveling, being understanding, figuring out both a short term and a long term plan. If you choose to be with her it is not as simple as changing one's Facebook status. It assumes you will BOTH do everything you can to be with each other.
     
  4. hornyscot

    hornyscot New Member

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    all of the above is true, however, on the other hand if true commitment is applied from both parties it can work out. I am so very much in love with my better half and we have had to overcome a lot more than just the distance, but thus far we have managed that so successfully and will continue to do so. We do have a long term plan and it is working. Yes there are financial implications to deal with and overcome but with the right attitude applied it does work. No matter what you decide i wish you success and hope everything goes well for you.
     
  5. Plate

    Plate Member

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    Don't waste your time, when you come back, if she's available, hang out, if not, seek your entertainment elsewhere.
     
  6. davej

    davej Member

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    Thank you for all the great suggestions. Money wise, ill be ok, and yes i trust her. If yall couldn't tell I'm in the military but my schedule is not too bad, 2 on 2 off, and sliding weekends. I have never experienced true love before so I really don't know what to think. All I know is that I can't get her off my mind and I miss her more and more every day.
     
  7. Ready2Please

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    Hey!! I can't believe you didn't text me or message me on fb for advice!! :mad

    You should know I will always be available for advice as your "older" friend. lol:lol

    I agree with what some of them have said but I also don't know the whole situation between you and her. But the short time I had a chance to meet you I can definitely tell you have a "heart of gold" and any woman would kill (not literally) for a man like you. I had to say something because I know you better then the others who have given you advice.

    I am here for you as a friend then anything else. I have always told you that!! :) If you don't listen to me I'm gonna kick your ass!! :p
     
  8. PhX_AZ_SWM_1972

    PhX_AZ_SWM_1972 New Member

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    Big PX in the sky, GI. That is what she sees, guaranteed. She's a single mom looking for financial stability, and you happen to have a stable government job. Thing is, is that what YOU want? IMHO, Single moms are not necessarily a bad thing, but I don't think any guy ( especially a young guy like you in his 20s) is truly ready for that type of burden until they have seen and done everything they want to accomplish in life, and have the career they want. If not, then tell her you gotta go your way, and she hers. Also, I would not recommend any guy in their 20s get married while in the military, much less to a single mom. You will get divorced, its just a matter of time, and how many deployments it takes you. If Uncle Sam wanted you to have a wife, he would have issued you one.
     
    #8 PhX_AZ_SWM_1972, Nov 3, 2011
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2011
  9. davej

    davej Member

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    No I really don't think its the job or benefits she's looking at. She wants me to get out so I can be closer to her. I plan on getting out anyway and going to college but staying in the reserves. I do want this, but I don't want to rush it at all. When I get married, I'm only going to do it once so I will make sure everything is right. (Not saying I would be getting married any time soon).
     
  10. davej

    davej Member

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    R2P- I sent you a message.
     
  11. PhX_AZ_SWM_1972

    PhX_AZ_SWM_1972 New Member

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    If you are getting out because you want it, then it's serendipity, but don't get out because SHE wants you to.

    I still say you are too young. You need to focus on your self, college, and getting whatever career you want on track. It would be one thing if she was childless, but seriously, until a man is already established financially and fulfilled career-wise, single moms are to be avoided. Single young men without kids and single moms have two totally different agendas. If you get too serious about this girl, you are putting your own dreams and ambitions at potential risk of ever coming true.

    You asked, so there's my honest answer.
     
  12. davej

    davej Member

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    Thank you. That's exactly what I'm looking for, honest opinions. I had already planned on getting out, finishing my degree, then joining a federal law enforcement service. She is not the reason I want to get out, just want to make that clear. Lol
     
  13. PhX_AZ_SWM_1972

    PhX_AZ_SWM_1972 New Member

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    So you are in the military, getting ready to get out, and want to go to school to get a degree to go into Federal law enforcement,w here you can literally be sent anywhere in the US, AND work long hours and like the military, potentially face long deployments?

    Does she know this? Is she cool with possibly ending up living somewhere she doesn't want to be?

    You sound like you have it together, and have some great goals you want to go after. Accomplish those first, and if she is still available, then go for her. Otherwise, it wasn't meant to be, and there are of course plenty of fish, and so on.
     
  14. GingerPower

    GingerPower New Member

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    Agreed!
     
  15. davej

    davej Member

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    Looks like that is the best thing for us. We talked and she said she's ok with that. While I don't believe her, I think that's the best thing for the both of us at this point in our lives. We are both still pretty young and I still have two years left and a lot could happen between now and then.
     
  16. Black_Magic83

    Black_Magic83 Member

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    Davej./.. it sounds like you have an offer you cannot refuse from R2P! ;)

    Any way, long distance relationships usually never work out because one of you has to make the big move.

    If I were you, concentrate on your career and education and you never know, you may find something closer to home and when you least expect it!
     
  17. davej

    davej Member

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    Your right, R2P is very sweet! lol. It's gunna be hard because I really do care for her but at this point in my life I think I'm making the right decision and just focus on my career.

    Thank you all for the advise!
     
  18. GingerPower

    GingerPower New Member

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    I think your making the right discussion. It's always best to think long-term. Often times the now and here can temp us. But, with your head of straight and goals in mind it is possible to get all of your needs met. Love CAN wait! I to was in a long distance relationship. It was no until we both make compromises, and pulled a long term plan together that we were able to be with each other on a more full-time basis.
     
  19. MrFusion

    MrFusion New Member

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    If the kid is only 1 and has another Dad, how much time did you have vested with this girl before?

    I once dated a woman with a child. It wasn't a dealbreaker for me, and I'm not a big kids guy mainly because I have little experience with them. However, in the time we were together, I did see how it's tough on the kid bringing a guy into the kids life. Even if she doesn't have an issue with it, I'd think long and hard before starting something up again if you're going to be around the kid. IMO, it's not healthy to bring guys in and out of kids lives. I know it's mom's choice whether or not to have you around the kid until things get serious, but it would be MY choice not to put the kid in that situation if you don't think there's a chance that it's going to turn into something serious.