Hi I'm NEW and I need HELP, can you help me Please?

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by BitchN, Aug 17, 2012.

  1. BitchN

    BitchN New Member

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    My husband wants me to use a STRAPE-ON??
    I've been married for 18 years. Five years ago he started accusing me of having an affair with someone I worked with. (I told him that I have NEVER and would NEVER cheat on him because I love him) But he became so angry and hard to live with that I quit my job. It was hard beause we had just bought a new house and had to 2 boys to raise.
    Anyway a few months later he came home with a strape-on and asked me would I F*** him in the A** My mouth drops open!!
    First thought was "Is he gay?" He said no, that he wanted to do me and thought that if I did him and saw that it wasn't that bad, that I would let him do it to me. "Is that a normal thing for a guy to say?" I say NO and he told me that he would divorce me if I didn't do it!!! A few weeks and arguments latter, I tired it (because I don't want a divorce) I didn't like it, so much so that it turned me off. I know people do it, but it's just not my thing. I told him I would do other things, butt plugs, beads, vibs, whatever just not that.
    He informed me that it was the STRAPE-ON or nothing. Five years latter and it's still a problem in our marriage. He is always angry, verbal abusive, calls me names, we have gone from having sex 4 times a week to maybe every 3 months. Tells me he wishes I would have an affair so he could just end it!! He makes my life hell. Tells me if I don't do this to him and I don't want to live this way I can GET OUT!! Even our 2 sons ask me why their dad is always mad, or they just don't want to come home from a friends house. I'm so heart BROKEN and CONFUSSED.
    Has anyone every been through this?? Or is there a guy that can tell me what is going through my husbands mind so I can understand??
    I'm desprate to save my marrage, PLEASE HELP......
     
  2. Silkycat

    Silkycat New Member

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    It's pretty much up to you to decide, but to me it doesn't sound like there is much to save. He's being dificult and abusive, and he clearly wants the marriage to end, why should you hold on to it really?

    I don't know where your from though, and there may be many reasons why divorce wouldn't be so easy. Where I'm from it's not uncommon though, if the relationship isn't working, like yours clearly is not. I was raised by my dad and never saw my mom, and I'm fine so the whole "needs two parents thing" isn't really true, it's caring parent(s) and a home to feel safe in thats important..

    --

    This doesn't sound like a sexual problem at all though! Sex with toys is perfectly normal, but if you don't want to do that he needs to respect that. If it's enough to drive you apart so drastically, I can't see the point in trying to keep it going.

    Thats my opinion on that...
     
  3. 12barblues

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    Best bet would be to start some individual counseling to figure out why you both do the things you do. I think we would all need a lot more information about your relationship before we could begin to make sense of it.
     
  4. 12barblues

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    Was the first 13yrs good?
     
  5. RainLevity

    RainLevity Member

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    I second the counseling suggestion. If he really has any desire to continue the marriage, he will agree. I'd even go so far as to make it an ultimatum. Sounds to me like he has some serious personal issues. The anger, and demanding of a particular sexual act (especially the strap-on) is a red flag. Not that I think a strap-on is that weird, it isn't. I think it's probably a fairly common fantasy for some men, but demanding you do it without consideration of your feelings or desires is NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY. If you go to church, you could talk to your minister about finding a good counselor (they've heard it all, trust me), or if not, there are all kinds of counseling firms that specialize in your type of situation. My parents are both therapists, so I know a little about it. You want someone who is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT). Don't settle for anything less.

    If you can't convince him to seek help, my advice would be to leave him. You shouldn't suffer abuse without any promise of improvement. :(

    I hope it works out for you.
     
  6. Meee

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    Alarm alarm alarm! Family counseling immediately.
     
  7. BitchN

    BitchN New Member

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    Yes, the sex was wild and great still is when we have it!!!!!! Well above the norm. He was a lead guitarist and I was the lead singer in a band.
    We lived together for about 2 years before we got married. Still every thing was great. After a while we kinda stopped playing out at the bars but we still got together with the band on weekends. After the kids I couldn't go anymore but I didn't care if he went on the weekends. Anyway I had a great job, made good money (helped pay the bills, you know) then he started accusing me of sleeping around all the time. Call me at work 8 times a day to check on me yelling at me on the phone, calling me slut and whore even in front of the kids. So I just quit my job hopeing it would make it better. Then he started with the strape-on thing, and this is where I am today.
     
  8. BitchN

    BitchN New Member

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    I asked him if we could go to marriage conseling. He said No he wasn't going because he didn't have a problem, I could go and see what was wrong with me
     
  9. BitchN

    BitchN New Member

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    I'm so confussed....for the past 3 weeks he has not talked to me except to complain and call me names, but today he comes home super sweet and telling me he loves me and we need to talk. Last night he called me a bitch and didn't talk at all. I'm on an emotional roll-a-coster. The only thing that was different; I got a call this morning that my great aunt died and I'm leaving to go out of town tomorrow. I just want to know what is going on in his head??? Up-Down Hot-Cold I know other people have marriage problems, is this normal?? What changed?? He wasn't alway like this
     
    #9 BitchN, Aug 17, 2012
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2012
  10. pbs

    pbs
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    It sounds to me like he's either got something like a tumor in his head that has changed his personality, or he's looking for a way out of the marriage and wants it to be your fault. It could also be that he has, or is currently having an affair, and the strap on was, or is part of it.

    I remember hearing my first wife tell me that she wouldn't go to counseling, but I could go to fix what was wrong with me. Strange how that line has persisted through the years.
     
  11. 12barblues

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    A few of my observations......simple minded, as I am.....there's a possibility that he's bi- polar.....or simply so horribly insecure , that his moods and even his personality seem to change. Also seems that you're a bit to blame here. Why in the world would you quit your job ? Because he " accused" you of an affair? Rather than make him deal with life, or the real issue , which is his complete lack of trust in you... let's enable his behavior. Since you quit, are you allowed to leave the house? Does he check your phone to see who you're calling or texting? I mean it's only a matter of time before you're pounding his ass with a strap- on.
    At some point you should know that most solid relationships are based on honesty and trust and communication. And these seem non existent in your present relationship.....you need to talk with him...
    I often think if two people are intelligent, in touch with their emotions and willing to communicate honestly with each other, then they may not need a counsellor. You two aren't communicating so I think you need to convince him to go to counseling or start looking for a divorce lawyer?
     
  12. 12barblues

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    Uh....btw, my band needs a lead singer....and a bass player....ours moved outta town...let me know if you want the gig....uh....thanks
     
  13. lbushwalker

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    BitchN,
    I take a totally different view on what might be going on here and you won't like any more than other possibilities.
    He is looking for you to end the marriage so that he can be guilt free.....why?
    Simple; he already has someone else who is willing to play his games.
    Attributing blame for what has occurred is a waste of effort and anyway nobody is ever totally right nor wrong.
    What does stinks tho' is that he is putting all that has gone wrong solely on you.
     
  14. AGFUNK

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    The thing is imho is that you are thinking that this problem came entirely from you not wanting to use a strap on. That you're thinking that if you fix this sex issue that it will fix your marriage. Please correct me if I'm wrong but that's what it seems like.

    There is nothing wrong with him wanting you to use a strap on on him. It's perfectly normal. However if you don't like it he shouldn't be forcing you to do it.

    If he won't seek counseling then it's obvious that he doesn't want to be in this marriage anymore. It's likely that he has someone on the side or had a one night stand or is feeling guilty from something that he did with someone else. It could be just from talking, emailing, etc.

    Something similar happened to my mom. Her fiancee accused her of cheating with the neighbor. Even went as far as putting up cameras to watch her. Turns out that he had been talking to someone else and he felt guilty. They have since made up and put it all behind them. The difference between you and them is that they both wanted to work on their relationship. You can't fix this on your own.

    He may also have a health problem although it's extremely unlikely. Though this will be hard to check out since he thinks there is nothing wrong.

    Maybe you should check his texts, etc if it's possible for you to do so. You might find something there.

    All in all though if he's not willing to talk to you or seek counseling and your children are uncomfortable you should probably go stay with some family or friends until he decides what he wants. It's not good for your children to not want to come home. The longer this goes on the more damage it will do to them as well as you.
     
  15. AGFUNK

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    Did you guys talk?

    Also rereading your first post. Why has it taken you five years to realize that this is a big problem and start looking for help?
     
    #15 AGFUNK, Aug 18, 2012
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2012
  16. backcheck64

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    Face it, he's looking for an excuse to get out of the marriage and dosn't have the balls to ask for a divorce. It's over, throw in the towel. It'll only get worse. My father just retired from doing marriage and family counseling for 50yrs. As he's stated many a time, by the time people go to marriage counseling, it's pretty well over. And when one spouse accuses another of infidelity, it's usually the pot calling the kettle black. I'd put money on HIM having the affair.
     
  17. Vdawg0220

    Vdawg0220 New Member

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    All abuse starts out verbal. It won't be long and it will become physical. Get out of there as soon as possible, abusers will always be abusers...they cannot change.

    File for divorce, sue for child support, and tell all of his buddies that he likes getting fucked in the ass.
     
  18. BitchN

    BitchN New Member

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    No when I got home from going to my aunts funeral today, his parents where there. So I went to the gym. Maybe tonight we will.
     
  19. Victus

    Victus New Member

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    Like it's been said more than a few times, it seems like he just wants a guilt-free trip out of the marriage. As for the strap-on, I believe he probably is bi-curious, if not potentially sleeping with a man on the side (or a woman who caters to his fantasy of getting it in the ass). The abuse, the lack of communication or want to communicate on his part, I'd have to say end it. Someone who's that dead-set on not trying to improve the situation or work with you at all just isn't going to work out.

    If the kids are starting to even get uncomfortable, that's an even larger warning flag. You need to think about them even more and what kind of environment you want them to be in. If they aren't even comfortable being home, odds are, it's going to do damage in the long-term.

    tl;dr version:
     
  20. BitchN

    BitchN New Member

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    Thanks you guys and gals for all the good advice and info. I think I started to believe that this was just the way men treated there wifes and I had to just live with it, but after reading all these post I know that is not true. You made me realize that there are men out there that aren't selfish and do care about the happiness of their partners. Whether you sacrifice your self for something she wants or you put aside what you want if she doesn't. Dear Lord, I think I'm going to cry knowing what I have truely missed out on all these years. You are all great....thanks again.