Help with Problem

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Alisa, Sep 6, 2010.

  1. Alisa

    Alisa New Member

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    Hi everyone: My name is Alisa and I have just joined today. Have not viewed much of the site yet, but wanted to introduce myself. I am here for help with a problem I have. You see, I am a married woman but have met a man I really like. Yes, I like my husband, but for a few years now I have been falling out of love with him. The man a met does not know how I feel about him. I really would like to go ALL THE WAY and I mean all the way. If this is not the section for advice please advise me which section I may go to receive help. Should I tell this man how I feel or should I just let nature take it's course. (Sorry for my rambaling on.)
     
  2. NedF

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    Hello Alisa, make sure you are prepared for all of the things that go along with having and affair (lying, scheming, guilt, fear, chance of disease...).

    You have not mentioned how old you are, how long you have been married, whether you have kids or not. The guy my first with left me for, did not want her once she was a free woman. She ended up single for many years before she met the guy she is with.

    All I am trying to say is think long and hard before you take a risk like cheating! You may find it would take less energy and the pay off might be greater if you work on the relationship you have.
     
  3. Northside

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    Are really ready to chuck your marriage for a guy you "like?" Are you ready to hurt your husband? You know the grass is always greener on the other side....Anyway if you are ready to chuck it all, at least have the decency to tell your husband you want out. Then you can bang this new guy with a clear consience, if he's interested. I'll lay 2 to 1 if you do dump your husband just to screw some guy, you'll live to regret it. You must have married him for a reason. Show some respect for your husband and some self respect, too. If you just want out, I can understand that. People do grow apart, and sometimes it's better to move on. That can give you the opportunity to meet someone you can be truly happy with. This just sounds like a selfish case of lust.
     
    #3 Northside, Sep 6, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2010
  4. Alisa

    Alisa New Member

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    Thanks guys for your comments. First off I am 38 and I have been married for 19 years. I have one son who is 19 and is away at college. I will say for those 19 years I did love my husband and we have had some good times. Something has fallen from our marriage, I can't come up with what it is. We do not do anything together anymore and love making it seems is few and far between. You are right when you say I should at least tell my husband about the gentlemen I have met. But, right now I do not know if he (my gentleman friend) feels the same way about me. Each time I am with him I get this feeling all over me. Should I tell my gentleman friend how I feel first. before I confront my husband?
     
  5. igor

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    I think you two have to sit down and try and figure out what the problem is.
     
  6. HardRocker

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    You're about to reach a time in your marriage when there is a great opportunity to remake your relationship to fit a new, freer and less pressurized situation. Your son will be independent soon(more or less anyway, as we've found) and you and your husband can go back to being boyfriend and girlfriend again. Only this time you know all about each other.

    It isn't the end of it all for you to be bored and overly familiar with each other after this long haul of playing house. Now you can go on dates and mini-vacations all by yourselves, and make up all sorts of new fun things to do. I would hate to toss all of that history without knowing exactly what has fallen from your marriage and why. It would be terrible to find out too late that it was only fatigue that could be worked out with some conversation and imagination.
     
  7. Northside

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    So you want to hedge your bet by not telling your husband until you find out if the other guy is interested. Wake up! Either you want to be with your husband or not. The other guy will probably go for a roll in the hay and then be on his way. You also might find he's not all he seemed after you get to really know him. You're flirting with disaster. If you feel the fire has gone out with your husband, that's one thing. Try to start a new life. Be upfront and honest with everyone. How is this new guy going to feel about breaking up a 19 year marriage? How will your son feel about you if he finds out you have left his dad for another guy and were sneaking around. If you're looking for people who will agree with your trying to rationalize cheating, I don't think you'll fine them here. Actually I think you'd be doing your husband a favor by leaving.
     
  8. htoad

    htoad Active Member

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    You need to be careful. The grass is not always greener on the other side. It seems more you are looking elsewhere out of boredom or sameness as opposed to, in my opinion, a serious problem. I propose you have an honest discussion with your husband. He may not be aware of your attitude - one that tends to develop when couples stop communicating. If you continue to go down this path, based on what you have posted, you may think you have "solved" one problem, but really you are creating many others.
     
  9. cbrmale

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    I think Hardrocker has got it wrong; your son is away and there's just the two of you, and the deficiencies in your relationship are all the more obvious. When there's children, there's business and distraction; now there's just two and the problems are obvious to you.

    In strong relationships, children gaining independance is a great opportunity, but in failing relationships, it's often the beginning of the end. Retirment is another trigger for failing marriages to collapse.

    Perhaps there's an opportunity to attempt to rebuild what you once had, and that will take hard work by two. But maybe it's beyond that.

    My sister's about your age and she and her husband have grown apart. She's lovely, my favourite from a large family, and he's changed. I can comment well on what I can see, and in her case it's beyond redemption. If you're going through a similar thing, I know EXACTLY how it feels. If so, then you should not let this opportunity slip through your fingers, and you should approach your friend and discuss the feelings you have for him, and also the feelings you no longer have for your husband, so that he doesn't feel like he's the one breaking a marriage apart.
     
  10. Barbwire

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    Alisa, a few years ago, I was in a similar position to yours. Things between my husband and myself had gotten distant and cold. Neither one of us really seemed to have that burning desire for one another. I still had a pretty strong libido, but he seldom wanted to make love and when we did, it was unsatisfying and boring to me.

    I started an online affair with a guy and soon the feelings I had for him made me really want to meet him face to face. Around the same time, I lost a lot of weight and really felt good about myself but my husband still showed no interest in sex and I didn't feel like putting any effort into enticing him to make love. I was too focused on the other man.

    I didn't end up meeting my online lover and we parted company. Although he was gone, the feelings he made me feel were still there. I felt sexy, desirable and empowered. Those feelings made me want to fix things with my marriage and I searched for a web site to help me to do that. The first and only site I clicked on was SF. That was 3 1/2 years ago and I'm so very glad I found this place.

    Through sharing my story on SF, reading similar stories posted by other members, and getting some fantastic advice, I was able to get stronger and stronger in my sexuality It gave me confidence to approach my husband and tell him I was bored and that things had to change. Luckily, although he wasn't much of a sexual leader, he did follow me on a quest to make our marriage stronger.

    During this time, I still had a need to interact with other men online in a sexual manner because it made me feel so good. Once I told my husband about my desire to cyber and he agreed that it was not cheating just masturbation fodder, my libido went into overdrive. Today I have a wonderful virtual lover of 3 years AND a happy husband who is married to a sexual spitfire.

    My marriage is stronger than it has ever been because our level of trust, communication, and compatibility has grown. I'm not saying I have a perfect marriage, I still come here to gripe that hubby doesn't put out enough and isn't the dream lover I wish he'd be but, I'm much more at peace and feel optimistic about my future.

    It is my sincerest hope that you too, Alisa, find the tools you need to make your marriage work here on SF or from another source. I'd hate to see a marriage destroyed when it can be saved.
     
  11. luvbug

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    Have you and your husband tried counseling? Do you still love your husband? If not...then you should set him free so he can find someone who can and will love him for who he is. You both deserve to be with someone who you love and who loves you unconditionally.
    I hope things work out for you.


    Welcome to SF!
     
  12. johnnyangel694u

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    I feel for you Alisa. I am in a very similar situation. I have fallen in love with someone else and they don't know it either. The bad news is she has moved on to someone else. You are in a difficult place right now. Be very careful how you move forward. All the sudden you could be by yourself.
     
  13. Lucky

    Lucky New Member

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    I have always believed honesty is the best policy. Before doing something with this other guy, sit down with your husband and see why it is not working right now. It could be he is having issues with you and you could work things out. If you cheat, you will always feel cheap and guilty. If you and you husband can't work things out, then maybe a separation is the right thing to do. Then you could pursue another man and would be doing nothing wrong.
     
  14. cbrmale

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    No, this is very bad advice. I have had actual affairs, not just meeting a potential future partner, and didn't feel cheap and guilty at all! At the moment I'm having an affair with a married woman... Obviously, she's having an affair in secret from her husband. Affairs are exciting, invigorating, intoxicating and more. If they weren't all these things, then people wouldn't have them, but this is off the point.

    The OP asked if she should pursue the feelings she has towards another man, not meet up and have sex with him, and I think she should meet and talk about how she feels, and she should do this with discretion. Otherwise, she runs the risk of losing what she has, before she knows her options.

    Overall though, only Alisa will know if her marriage is salvageable like Cowboy Lover's, or broken beyond repair like my sisters.
     
  15. Barbwire

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    Affairs are only those things to the people that are doing the lying to their partners. If you asked someone that was torn apart because they were cheated on, they'd have a whole different set of adjectives to describe it.

    Cbrmale, I appreciate your honesty, but I still think you are a pig for what you do. You can use your rhetoric to justify what you do, but in the end you are just a man that has no honour, a man that will ruin marriages and lives just for your own thrills. Frankly, you disgust me, but hey, that's just me, I'm sure you will find lots of other pigs in the pen that will think you are a hero.
     
  16. Lucky

    Lucky New Member

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    I will stand by my advise. You might be able to handle affairs , but she does not sound like she would. She sounds mixed up and is asking for advise from us as to the right way to handle it. I find that affairs, in the long run only break up marriages. They may be exciting at the time, but the guilt will last forever.
     
  17. FlirtyChick

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    Um, Listen to hardrocker, who has been married forever, and for CL who didnt screw it up when she had the chance.

    1) Marriage counseling
    2) Marriage counseling
    3) Marriage counseling

    If I have not made myself clear enough:

    MARRIAGE COUNSELILNG.

    You say you "Like" your husband. Let's see, 19 years, children.

    I want to say that I do not wish to offend any men on this site, there are many of you that I respect immensely, but to OP, if a man wants to get laid he will make sure that you feel like he is the one. Consider carefully, and make choices with your head, not your libido or your heart. The world is an ugly place sans partner. Make an informed choice.
     
  18. Lucky

    Lucky New Member

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    NO offense, you are right, ever since man started pursueing women he has tried every trick in the book including your statement. Just a fact of life!
     
  19. cbrmale

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    I have had a few affairs, and this is my second with a married woman. The first was good but uneventful for both of us, so I don't know where the 'torn apart' comes from. I don't use any rhetoric to justify anything other than I have, they have, and we all moved on as if nothing had happened. I'm sure that many on this forum would have loved doom, destruction or at least divorce, but the reality is boring. Sexual encounters at preset times in preset places, to spice up each other's lives, and (surprisingly) spicing up our home sex lives at the same time.

    This is a common element of many affairs, that the sex life at home gets stronger. It's like we need it (in actual fact, we do).

    So, I'm afraid, no ruined marriages, divorces or anything dramatic.
     
  20. cbrmale

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    Only a tiny proportion of affairs lead to divorce. Some would feel guilty, some won't, I didn't and I don't.

    In any case SHE'S NOT IMPLYING AN AFFAIR! I read it as making a choice between this other guy, her husband, and broaching the subject with the other guy.

    Some marriages are fixable, some can be fixed through counselling, some are beyond repair and all the counselling in the world won't help. It depends on where the OP thinks her marriage is at. My sister, who I quoted before, can't do counselling because her husband isn't interested. So it's misery or divorce.

    Which would you pick?