Help, what have I done?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by vicxstar, Mar 1, 2010.

  1. vicxstar

    vicxstar New Member

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    Hi,
    I met someone online, lost my house due to my daughter's boyfriend, he asked me to stay with him and I left my city and did.

    Problem is not many people would take what he gives out. He has been wonderful to me, I showed up practically with the clothes on my back and he is very generous.

    But, (you knew there would be one, lol) he is very chauvanistic. I wanted a good ole southern boy, but I really don't want to have to "mind" one.:eek
    And he is the kind of person who demands sometimes. I am a very outgoing and happy person and he is very pessimistic. He has a great sense of humor, the sex is great, and not to sound mercenary, but he is providing for me now, and I am not getting any younger--guys are not beating down my door in my old city. He thinks I am beautiful, I think he is handsome. There are a lot of pros.

    One dealbreaker for me when I was on dating sites was no anal sex. Of course I ended up doing it, don't like it, blah, blah. It is really important to him for some reason, not often, but every now and then he says.

    As I said, in my city, I would be in a shelter. I am an alcoholic and an addict (prescription pills) and when he found that out, it was a dealbreaker, which is good, because my family has not been successful in that arena.

    Anyway, should I just play nice, get the pros and let his stuff go, or should I go to a shelter in this new city. I love him and don't want to leave him but I don't know if I can be as subserviant as he wants. He told me this about himself to begin with. I wonder if my personality wants what he can give me so badly that I am acceding to his wants. I am also isolated in a studio apartment now, looking for a job here. I just don't know.

    Anyway, this is probably way too long. Thanks for listening.

    vicxstar
     
  2. HardRocker

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    According to your profile, you're a college educated medical technician (currently unemployed), fun loving, outgoing, don't drink or smoke... Sounds like you're employable by all that. Maybe hang with the guy who supports you, assuming no abuse, until you can get a job at a hospital or Doctor's office. I know that's easier said these days.

    Then again, you say in your post, you are an alocoholic and addict, so which is it?
     
  3. FlirtyChick

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    Leave. Never ever settle for anyone or anything you have to justify to yourself. You don't have to do anything for him that you don't like, i.e. "minding", "anal". Pick yourself up, get clean, get a job, find some self-esteem and get a man who can treat you as you deserve to be treated.
     
  4. vicxstar

    vicxstar New Member

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    I am employable, having a drug screen and background check--all clean. That's what I am thinking, just stay until I can get a job and save some money to go back to my hometown. Thanks.
     
  5. vicxstar

    vicxstar New Member

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    I am clean and sober and it is definitely related to my self esteem and my inability to feel I can't take care of myself or to have had other men do it. I made a appt. with a pastor of my faith here, hope that will help. Thx.
     
  6. FlirtyChick

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    I hope so too. Not to slam any of the men on here, because 99% of them are fabulous, but NEVER put your faith in a man to take care of you and find a way to do it on your own. I am on my own after 13 years of marriage, and I have a small child. It is tough, and the hardest part is NOT having a man, because I stupidly have always tied my self-worth to that, but I am learning to be solo and be ok. I hope you get out and take care of yourself, even if it means eating ravioli or even worse, ramen noodles. You are specially created and you owe it to yourself to love you and take care of you. When you learn it please pass the secret along to me! :p
     
  7. lbushwalker

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    Dear Vicxstar,
    No matter what do not sell yourself short and as I always remind my daughter; a man is not an asset, he can sometimes be a luxury but more often a liability.
    If you don't need his love then forget the sex and anything else.
     
  8. vicxstar

    vicxstar New Member

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    Thanks you guys for your thoughts. I think I believe that I need his or someone's love. My husband, the father of my kids, was 38 when he died of a heart attack. I had never even dated anyone else. My kids were 6 and 6 DAYS old when he died. I didn't know how to take care of myself and then was thrust into a situation to live with my mother and be her caregiver. Now the kids are adults (not empty nest syndrome), and more than identifying with a man, I put really intense feeling and identify into my job. I am much more lost from the job than a man. I was celebate for 6 years. I can do that.

    I know in my heart the right thing is to get out, but I have to stay here and get some money before I can leave. Geez, I made everybody in my family's jaw drop. Now mine has dropped. OMG, I'm as lost as a snowbird in hell.

    Thx again!
     
  9. FlirtyChick

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    Hang in there.
     
  10. Barbwire

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    I've never been in your exact situation vicxstar, but just off the time of my head, I'd suggest you forget about this guy and focus on making yourself the woman you want to be. It may look like he's helping you for now, but I think in the long run you'll see that he's holding your down, not lifting you up.
     
  11. HardRocker

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    Vicxstar, the only reason I suggested sticking with him for a while is because he's providing food and shelter till you can find a job and afford your own. It's harder to get a job without an address. But if he's a threat to your physical or mental health, then the other posters are right. I know there are services in big cities to assist you with life's necessities, but they're probably pretty overloaded these days.
     
  12. vicxstar

    vicxstar New Member

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    Hey. God's knows I wish I felt comfortable right now taking care of myself. Unfortunately, we (my brother and I) probably are going to lose my mama's house that is ours now, which is where I was living due to neither of us being able to pay the property taxes. There is no way to pay the back bills or deposits to get back in it. I could rent somewhere by myself, and have done that and was happy.

    But my feelings for this dude have become muddled to me. I am not even sure it is love and not infatuation. To say that took a lot of courage, guys. But I am in no imminent danger, mental or physical, which is why I do allow him to think I love him (God that sounds horrible), but I really don't know. I do know I don't need to go to a shelter and I am not scared of him at all. That's another thing that is so strange. I trust him in a lot of ways. So I believe my option is to stay here, continue to look for a job (one that I thought I had, slipped away yesterday), bank some money, so that I can get back to the big city--I need a car, mine was repossed, and for deposits on ultilities and stuff, gotta file bankruptcy. So many things bouncing in my head. If I had a car, I would have a job immediately doing home health care. That field is desperate for employees.

    Anyway, I am hanging in, thanks so much to all for your suggestions.
     
  13. HardRocker

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    All I can say is good luck, you've got a tough one there. Let us know how it goes.
     
  14. vicxstar

    vicxstar New Member

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    Hey, thanks. I'm hanging. It's moments like this when I ask myself "why did I pick a car and tech school instead of college" when my parents asked, lol. Or my best friend in high school and I used to say "They did not tell us about this in high school." Although my brother has a degree and makes only $14 an hour. So you never know.

    Money talks--if I had money I would not be here asking these questions to begin with, for multiple reasons.

    BTW, loved the Down to seeds and stems again blues. Going to send that to my daughter!

    I will keep you posted. I'm a survivor, I'll figure it out.

    Peace out
     
  15. Logger

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    Relationships are bigger than feelings. Relationships are a committment.

    Sounds like he is helping you with sobriety, so that is a positive.

    If there are things that he asks you to do that you find difficult, how can you let him know that some things are easy, and some things are difficult for you? How can you suggest doing more of the easy things?



    ..
     
    #15 Logger, Mar 5, 2010
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2010
  16. vicxstar

    vicxstar New Member

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    You pose some very good points to think about, Logger. He is an enormous help with my sobriety. And your relationships are bigger than feelings quote is a good one. I do think that because I have had difficulty getting a job, living in this little studio, it's hard to think, hard to find me.

    As I said, I identify my self-esteem so much with my job, that I am a little adrift right now and it is difficult to discern what negative thought goes where--does that make sense (?). I had self-esteem issues with my weight (like practically every woman in America) but I lost weight and he likes the little bit of extra I now have, accepts that everything is pointing toward South America, the stretch marks, scars and stuff, because he says he loves "me". That feels really good. Especially because the last guy I was with was "freaked" by my scars. Didn't freak him out when he was phucking me, but that is another show, lol.

    Sometimes I think I am overthinking it--I have been known to overanalyze and beat a dead horse many times.

    Thanks again for the ideas to ponder some more. I am going to chill this weekend, just accept and let feelings wash over me and not be so sensitive. I have to work on that--always been a problem.

    Hope you have a great weekend!