HELP! Supressed Feelings About Wife?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Thorn, Jul 2, 2005.

  1. Thorn

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    4,151
    Likes Received:
    3
    If you read the "Lonely" thread in this section you will see why I have this question/problem. The other night I got more plastered than even I am used to (20 beers in 6 to 7 hours) and when off verbally on Rose, my wife. I yelled and screamed things at her like you're nothing but a slut and a whore and even worse things that I can't even remember cuz I was so drunk. She had to tell me the next day some of the things I said. Anyway it hurt her real bad! I'm doing something about my drinking and we have talked about it and are working it out. But here's my problem and question........

    Problem: She says it's going to take some time for her to respond to me the way she did before I hurt her in this way. Such as when I hold her, or kiss her, and of course in sex she can't handle it emotionally right now. And of course, I totally except responsibility since I am the one that said all those terrible things. This hurts me real deep cuz all I want to do is hold her and try to be a comfort to her. I don't blame her and I don't feel this is some revenge thing on her part to get back at me. She's not that kind of person. I'm listening to her and willing to work it out, of course.

    Question: Rose feels because I said those things, even though I was drunker than I'm used to being, that there are some "deep rooted feelings" that I have been harboring for years. I don't feel that way but she could be right. I'm not taking it lightly because I love her and always will. If I find out I do harbor some previously unsurfaced feelings/thoughts I want to deal with them in whatever way necessary.

    Looking forward to any comments, help, experiences, & knowledge you may have.

    Thorn
     
  2. Eros

    Eros New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2005
    Messages:
    174
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    The sandy state
    Inebriation does not create new thoughts or feelings but often lets them out in an uninhibited fashion. However with that said, sometimes basic feelings can be expressed in unusual ways with the help of alcohol. If you were just depressed and frustrated about something in your life unrelated to your wife, alcohol might air those feelings more intensely and it may be possible that they get directed toward someone that you love in a diverted negative experience.

    I would say that if in your reflection there is no feelings like what was verbalized towards your wife then that would be the reality. Then the job would be to find out what you are really upset about. Often we lash out at those we love when we are hurt - it isn't right but is often the human way.

    If you find out what is truly bothering you it would go a long way to help heal both of you. I would guess that Rose needs to understand that those comments truly had nothing to do with her. For that she will need the answer as to what is bothering you.

    I hope that this helps in some way. I also hope that I am not projecting my own problems into your situation - I have discovered that much of my obsession with my wife's past seems to stem from some insecurity issues of my own and some anger issues with a family member. It has helped us both with this information and I am now working on directing my energy in an appropriate direction.

    Good luck and warm wishes always to both you and Rose. Cheers!

    P.S. What did your first screen name mean?
     
    #2 Eros, Jul 2, 2005
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2005
  3. Logger

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2003
    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    45
    Gender:
    Male
    Dear Thorn,

    Committed Love is working through feelings.

    Feelings can also be exaggerated during intoxication.

    People confuse the feeling of Love, Infatuation, with the True Love, which is a commitment to be considerate to a partner.

    People get their feelings hurt, and it sometimes takes some time, or Roses, to bring them back around.

    How can you show your committment, give her time, and make deposits to her Love Bank? What extra special things can you do for her?

    One drink every 2 to 3 hours can be sociable. Some people who have trouble keeping drinking at a social level, become less sensitive to others, and say things that are not as sensitive, as they would be sober.

    You say that you are going to cut back on drinking, but you don't mention a particualr plan, or support group. Sometimes, taking the first beer, starts the train rolling. Can you call a sponsor before taking the second drink? Who will you call before you take the third beer?

    You have been shown an important lesson, that you are not in complete control of Alcohol. How will you apply this information?

    Blessings
     
  4. Thorn

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    4,151
    Likes Received:
    3
    Thank you Eros and Logger both of you have given me things to think about as I try to figure out what the hell is going on in my mine.

    Eros: I want to think that my drunkenness made me use some other frustrations in my life and take it out on Rose in the verbal attack I directed at her. I hope that's true. Then I only have to deal with the drinking, hard enough on it's own. I'm not stopping there and saying everything is hunky-dory with me now. I'll have to give it much time, thought, and prayer. --- If I find I have some suppressed not so good feelings about my lover/wife/best friend then I want to find out and get help for my condition. I value you help Eros.

    Logger: Yes the drinking has to be dealt with. It is exactly like you say. Not always but too often, I plan on getting drunk before I even have the first drink. That's only when I'm at home as opposed to in a bar or club. What I have decided is to not drink at home at all. No ifs, ands, or buts about it!! I quit drinking and smoking cold turkey for 27 years and just started back around 6 years ago. If this works we still will drink at social functions and at restaurants/bars once a week or so. I tend to be able to stop and go home before I get really drunk. I will have to be careful and watch out that this does not get out of hand and too frequent. I also value your help Logger.
     
  5. Logger

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2003
    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    45
    Gender:
    Male
    Dear Thorn,

    I try to drink a Virgin Mary, tomato juice with a lime, or a non-alcohol screw driver, orange juice, so I fit in, like I am getting loaded like everyone else. Except I am keeping my cool.

    You never posted back what extra things you could do for W. I could use some ideas myself.

    I was going to add that it is a healthy reaction to feel like rejecting the suppositon that our subconcscious controls our feelings, out of out knowledge and control. I looked for what you felt bad about saying to Rose, but did not find it. Certainly there is a theory that what you say without thinking has some relation to our true beliefs. The meaning may be close to accurate, or quite unrelated, but it is fair to say ther is Some lever of connection. As you may have noticed, I try to polite to everyone on the board, and encourage others to also be polite. I just wish to validate your feeling of rejecting the idea of incomplete awareness of your feelings.

    It is healthy to reject the idea that you are controlled by your subconscious. The whole prececpt of the responsible individual, depends upon our being consciously in touch with our feelings and in conscious control of our actions. Lunatics take less than full responsiblity for their thoughts, feelings and actions, which makes them irresponsible.

    Blessings.
     
    #5 Logger, Jul 4, 2005
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2005
  6. Thorn

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    4,151
    Likes Received:
    3
    I quoted my own post so I could post this "update."

    As far as the "PROBLEM" goes: Around 36 hours after the event I asked her if I could just hold her and we ended up in each others arms in the kitchen. It was as though it was the first time we embraced. Petting each other in various places with slow and cautious moves. After a few minutes we both went to the bedroom without saying a word. It continued in bed for 15 minutes or so until we were undressed and in each others arms. We ended up having one of the best sexual sessions ever.

    As far as the "QUESTION" goes:

    It's possible that neither of us will ever be convinced 100% as to why I yelled and called her a , whore, slut, and said "You have a demon in you!" among other things. I am 90% convinced that I do not have some evil, suppressed feelings in me about her. I just asked her and she said she is 70% convinced that I did not harbor these feelings and suppress them for a long time. We both are still talking about everything that has transpired over the last few days and we are both trying our best to be honest and open with one another and ourselves.

    I have been free of alcohol at home since. That has improved our communication a billion percent!
     
  7. Thorn

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    4,151
    Likes Received:
    3
    Still free!! I can not begin to explain how different I feel and act since I stoped drinking at home!!
     
  8. Logger

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2003
    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    45
    Gender:
    Male
    Dear Thorn,

    Thanks for the updates. Glad some good changes have come up for you. Sometimes passing through a rough experience helps us see how to make things better.

    I have been repeating occasional oversights in attention to my wife's feelings, and I may start posting my insensitivities, to see if there is a pattern I should change.

    Blessings
     
  9. Thorn

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    4,151
    Likes Received:
    3
    You're welcome Logger. Yes, change is good. I can appreciate how you work to build on your relationship with your wife. :)