Help me

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Topher, Dec 19, 2006.

  1. Topher

    Topher New Member

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    Well ill start by admitting that i am young at 18 and that i fell in love at the age of 16 a young age. Well My girlfriend is amazing, i love her more and more everyday she is my best friend and so much more. I know she feels very stronly about me, probably more so than i could imagine. The problem is that next year i plan to attend a higher education of some sort, as does she. We have talked about it and decided we would wait till we actually leave for college before we part ways. Now she is probably going to be going to the community college in town or an in state university. My parents want me to go out of state some place far from home but i want to go to the community college for 2 years then transfer to a design school. My parents think i am staying because of this girl and that she is holding me back. The truth is that it has nothing to do with her and more for financial and other reasons.
    Well last night my dad talked to me and told me he wants me to break things off with this girl. Her and i have been through so much and she needs me and i feel that i need her. He believes that as the time draws closer to when ill be going off to school, that she will get desperate and not want to lose me. He even thinks that she will try to get herself pregnant to keep me around. Well, i was shocked to say the least. He told me that he understands it is the holidays and that i should break things off with her at the start of the new year. I'm really not ready to move on from this girl yet. It makes me physically sick to think about leaving her. I dont think she would try to get herself pregnant, shes smarter than that and she has a lot going for her too. My dad told me that he is not making me break up with her but that he will be dissapointed in me if i dont. I really dont know what to do im so confused and the stress from the situation makes me ill. On one hand i have my dad who has always helped me and always tries to give me advice, a lot of times when i dont follow his advice i learn why i should have....On the other hand i have this girl who is completely amazing and has been my friend for years and girlfriend for only 2. I'm not saying ill be with her forever, all im saying is i dont feel like im ready yet to leave this relationship. I want to do what is best for both of us. I'm so lost right now.... any help or advice would be really appreciated i just needed to get this off my chest...thanks.
     
  2. HerHubby

    HerHubby The SF Poet Laureate
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    If I was in your situation, I would sit down and respectfully share with my Dad that your educational preference has more to do with what you want to do as a career, that you are more concerned about finances and preparing for the design school. I'd say that the girl is a friend, that you don't necessarily plan on being with her forever yet enjoy her company and that even though you two are friends that your career plans are topmost in your mind, that you are not simply wanting to attend community college to be with her, solemnly assuring him of that. I think that your Dad is probably simply wanting to make sure that you get your education completed before you end up in a relationship like marriage with possible children and the reponsibilities going along with children and so forth. I would just assure him, help him to feel comfortable, that you are going to complete your education no matter where you go and also sell him on the benefits of community college. Some people pay lots of money to go to some prestigious college or university when they could get the same education, sometimes a better education, at a community college in their locality without having the additional stress of going off somewhere and dealing with a lot of people they don't know and so forth. Gotta be a salesman and sell ol' Dad on the idea! Hang in there! Best wishes to you!
     
  3. Logger

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    Dear Top Her,

    Your Dad sounds like he has some reasons you are not presenting here. I suggest you sit down with your Dad, go out for coffee or a sandwhich, someplace where your Dad can talk to you, and ask your Dad to explain his ideas on your GF to you. Listen, don't argue. Ask him for other reasons that might be things that are actually over your head, because you are still too young to understand. Admit that there are some things you won't understand till you have been married some 10, 20 or 30 years.

    Dad's love to give advice. So take your Dad to lunch once a week, and ask him to explain more of his ideas on your GF. Pretend that you are open to listen to his advice. In the process, you might learn some important concepts. Either way, you will be giving your father DEFERENCE, and making your Dad feel LISTENED TO, so he won't cut off our allowance if you keep dating GF. "Yes Dad, I am seriously planning out how I can explain my breaking up with GF to her and her family." "Yes Dad, I haved explained to her parents that our dating is not serious, and that engagement or marriage is only a possibility for the future."

    How is the relation with you and her family? How could you create a better understanding between your parents and hers?

    What fraternity does your Dad want you to join in college? Connections are going to be more important as the US economy adjusts to lower wages and higher interest rates. What internship or grad school is your Dad wlling to agree to now? How much is he expecting you to go into debt to pay for your post grad education? Is Dad going to pay for a car for you in college? A clunker or a Cadillac? How often can you fly back home for long weekends?

    Will your Dad have a Million Dollars or 2 when he is 75, to get into a community with assisted living, or is your Dad expecting you to handle your Mom's and his old age care?
     
    #3 Logger, Dec 19, 2006
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2006
  4. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    Topher,
    What is it that you are not telling us.
    I am a Dad and their is no way in hell
    I would ever tell my kids to break up with
    their B/F-G/F. without a really good reason.
    We sometimes hit the nail on the head so to speak
    But we need more info on this one to give an intelligent answer.:sf
     
  5. cbrmale

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    I am a Dad, and I wouldn't put it past other Dads being controlling and manipulative, which seems to be the case here. He may even be jealous of your relaitionship.

    Your age is listed as 20, which is quite adult, and you should sit down with your Dad as an adult and discuss the reasons why you don't want to go away for schooling. Indeed if the girlfriend is the reason, that would be good enough for me as long as you are getting the schooling that you need and want for your future.

    I went to University at 17, and I certainly didn't want to move Interstate, so I went locally and continued to live at home. The support network of family and friends helped me immensely with my studies, the same should apply to you. The financial benefits were undeniable, and that is what swung it for me. So talk to your father, and give him all the reasons for your decision.
     
  6. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
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    Okay, forgetting the dad thing for just a moment, I'd like to clear something up in my head.

    Are you dating this girl right now, INTENDING to break up before you both go away to school? And you both KNOW and EXPECT and agree upon this?
     
  7. Topher

    Topher New Member

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    Thanks for all the responses. I sat down and had a talk with my dad. I let him know that i understand he believes he is trying to help me but that in the end it is my final decision. Although he seemed a little dissapointed, he treated me like an adult and he let me know that if i want to talk to him about any of this again he wouldnt mind sitting down with me. Oh and for those of you asking for the full story there are a couple more things at play here, for one i learned that he got my mom pregnant beforehe was ready to start a family and even though he is completely in love with her, she now wants a divorce(very mean spirited and always treated us kids like garbage, she was verbally mentally and physically abusive to us) so maybe that is playing a role in all this. Also my girlfriend was raped at party she was at over the summer, i was there but left early cuz i had work in the morning and her friends go trashed and ditched her. So my friend whos house it was, made her go into his sisters room and told her she could sleep there for the night, when he came back 10 minutes later to check on her, there was a guy grabbing her head and trying to force her to give him oral while she was crying. My friend chased off the guy and then called me. My dad although this girl has been like a daughter to him believed that she wasnt sexually assaulted, maybe that has something to do with this thinking. As far as things go with me and her family, they love me haha its like a second family which may be another motive of my fathers, if he believes that he is losing me to another family...

    well anyways hes a good guy i know hes thinking hes doing his best for me and that is where we clash. Thankfully, he is respecting my decision.

    thanks to everybody for the help, although the situation is not completely over it has lulled.
     
  8. Topher

    Topher New Member

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    To melicious,

    yes we are dating now, and yes we have talked about what will happen when we go to university. We both agreed that if we need too, we will go separate ways when the time comes but remain great friends. We communicate very well and both of us fully know what is on the table before us.
     
  9. Joe

    Joe
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    It sounds to me like you and your dad both have good heads on your shoulders. He's been around long enough to see (and experience) some pitfalls and is trying to help you avoid them. Listen to him and accept what he says as good advice, but the final decision should be in your hands, as he seems to understand.

    I hope you'll stay close to your father and ask for his advice often. You might even consider taking it once in awhile. ;)
     
  10. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    Thanks for the extra input.
    If it is your intention to go your separate ways and remain
    just good friends. Then you don't really have a problem. And yes
    (as mentioned before) a Dad really could be jealous but don't worry about it
    as most Guys give way to their wives family, I know I did.
    But even if you do give more attention to the wife's or S/O family
    your Dad will come around and He will probably end up
    being friendly with them too.:sf
     
  11. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    Am I missing something here? You are 20 years old and able to make adult decisions yourself. So if your dad wants you to break it off and you don't then really what is the issue? Granted dad maybe disappointed. However it would not be the first time nor will it be the last time your dad will be disappointed. You cannot live your life seeking parents approval or approval from anyone else. The life you lead is totally up to you, now and you need to decide what is in your best interest and not someone elses. It may sound selfish but it is your life, not anyone elses. I think you know what the decision is but you will need to get some balls to let your dad know your decision.
     
  12. Logger

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    Tell your Dad, "This is the lady who will be changing your diapers after you have Prostate Surgery and your nursing home goes bankrupt. So it would be in your best interests to start being more supportive to her and her family." Families go through stages

    Anyway to get your mom to be more supportive? Conflicts and unpleasant words are part of a family process, but there should be periods of time for putting aside the differences, to enjoy life. Marriage is successful, not by how often there are complaints and disagreements, but by how quckly and completely the differences can be set aside. Also, success can be better achieved if during the diasagreements, everyone avoids blaming and finger pointing, as much as possible. See Chaper 6, or thereabouts, in the Secrets of Happily Married Men, by Scott Haltzman.

    Most family disagreements are never settled, just only put aside. So gthe question is, "How can we put this disagreement aside? What options can I do for now, so you can feel loved?"
     
    #12 Logger, Dec 28, 2006
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2006
  13. Brad

    Brad New Member

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    Topher

    Some great adivice given here.
    But.....

    I, now in my early 40's had the same situation at your age as you face currently. I followed the advice that my dad gave me at the time. Advice that was focussed around Education, Education, must come first.

    There's very little that I have regretted in life.

    If I regret one thing it is that I followed that advice.

    If you have something potentially special within your relationship, don't be persuaded to give it up.

    What you should do is work out a way to keep the relationship and have the education.