Help getting her to open up...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by tall_dallas, May 9, 2007.

  1. tall_dallas

    tall_dallas New Member

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    For years this has been going on.
    My wife classifies herself as a “June Cleaver”
    She has almost 0 sexual experiences and nobody has ever tried to help her explore sexuality until she met me…
    So naturally she is intimidated and scared shitless because she thinks I’m going to see her as some negative person (slit, tramp, whatever)
    When the opposite is actually true.
    I have introduced her to many things since we began our relationship.

    First, I had to teach her that sex wasn’t all physical.
    There could be and should be emotion tied into it… otherwise, it’s just raw sex.
    Which is fine on occasion, but without an emotional tie every now and then… and without slowing down and introducing some passion, it’s not much.

    Then we explored other things.
    Toys was one of the first things to be introduced. We use them together… (well, I use them on her.) and until recently, she never joined in.
    She still is uncomfortable when she does and has to ‘be in the mood’ to even join in with the playing. I've told her I love it and it's a big turn-on to me to see her enjoying herself... but she's still skittish about it sometimes.

    Now she has spoken many times about learning and exploring her own sexuality more.
    However. We’re stuck in a conundrum.
    She wants to be more sexual. But is stuck with the mentality that ‘good girls don’t do these things’ (due to her upbringing).
    I’m loosing my mind trying to expand her options and such…
    I’m looking for an idea, something that I may not have tried yet.
    She won’t even really talk. She’s so shy when it comes to talking about sex. She’ll change the subject, avoid the topic and sometimes just be quiet and hope that I’ll forget I asked the question or started a conversation about it.

    Here is what I sent her today after our encounter last night which ended in her totally closing off from me.


    I do understand you are feeling apprehensive, nervous, scared and timid.
    I understand that you being raised in a very timid household where the subject of ‘sex’ was ‘taboo’

    I understand you want to progress in your sexual life…
    There are two big hurdles.
    One: Your actions…
    You must understand that there is nothing you can do that will repulse, embarrass, annoy or disgust me. (and any other negative adjective you want to throw out there)
    I would be just as understanding (and impressed) if you walked out of the bedroom in lace, leather or skin tight vinyl…
    You won’t upset me.
    I know I have made statements and done things in the past that made you believe so, but that was due to the situations at the time and how I was so naive to what you were trying to show me.
    Since I have opened up, you seemed to regress to the state where I was prior.
    So the job now is to get you feeling as you did before where you want to be explorative and bold… and feel comfortable enough to actually take those steps forward.
    Two: Your words…
    Being able to express yourself is a very key element to actually knowing yourself and letting others (namely me) know what you are feeling.
    If you can’t put your feelings, desires, dislikes, etc. into words… you are essentially denying yourself what you want most… “understanding from others”.
    I want you to take the phrase “I don’t’ know” and remove it totally from your vocabulary.
    When you feel like saying those words, stop, realize what feelings are preventing you from answering yes or no and then express your concerns and feelings in words.


    You told me once that you are nervous because you don’t want to be considered a ‘slut’ or ‘whore’ etc.
    A woman is a sexual being, and in our society women are socialized to be ashamed and embarrassed of it.
    What a crock of sh!t… being free enough to know what you want and having the guts to actually ask your partner for those things is impressive and respectable. Not something to be ashamed of.
    You need to have a self image.
    One that you must be content with.
    The question is… are you happy being June Cleaver? Do you want to be more like someone else? Pam Anderson? Dr. Ruth?
    Any of those would be acceptable…
    The truth of the whole matter is that you need to find what makes you comfortable, where you want to be in the future, and actually not be afraid to take steps to get there.
    Just… baby steps… if need be. But some step is appreciated.
    You know I love you, I just want to see you happy. And I’m know you want more than what we have now.
     
  2. HouseHunny

    HouseHunny New Member

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    It seems as if you are doing everything you can to reassure her that you are ok with her exploring her sexuality more. Maybe showing her sites like this and reading different threads to her will show her that many committed couples explore together and that it is healthy and natural human behavior. Have you tried buying her bedroom outfits that could make her feel more sexy? Also attending a sex expo or convention would be fun. She could see for herself how many people out there are actually engaging in this kind of fun without the fear or intimidation of what other people have to say. It seems as if she is working on coming out of her shell....This just takes time. She grew up a certain way and you really can not expect her to change what is the norm for her overnight.
     
  3. tall_dallas

    tall_dallas New Member

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    Thanks HouseHunny...

    Yes, I have taken her to victorias and Fredricks many times.
    she has numerous outfits.
    unfortunently I may only see them on her once. (sometimes never at all)

    It's difficult to get her to understand that nothing more than a nice gown is enough. but I get tired of the old T-shirt and my boxers thing.

    It took me months (literally) to get her to get comfortable coming to bed topless without expecting for it to initiate sex.
    now she lies with me holding her (sometimes cupping her breast, just cause it is natural arm position) and she seems to have grown comfortable with that.

    so...

    it is baby steps, I know... and it's difficult to see almost no progress after my constant attempts and rejections.
     
  4. Joe

    Joe
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    One thing I noticed was that everything was about what she needed to do. How about asking her what you can do to make things better/easier? Just a thought....
     
  5. tall_dallas

    tall_dallas New Member

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    I'm with ya there...
    I have asked her numerous times what she wants and what I can do to make her more comfortable and open.
    it ends up with the standard "I don't know" answer.
    Getting her to open up even in the littlist is difficult.
     
  6. loveit247

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    Have you thought of booking a couple of consults with a female sex therapist for the both of you. Here in SA we have a fantastic woman (Dr Wasserman) who is a well known therapist. She works with various disorders including the problem you are having.

    These doctors are trained to help people like yourselves. She would be able to explain to your wife about the intamacies of sex, love and relationships. Maybe coming from a professional with the training and knowlege to help your wife would receive it better.

    Good luck, I feel for both of you.
     
  7. Nettle

    Nettle Member

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    I used to feel like your wife does. That good girls don't do these things. I was fine before I got married, it was only once I was married that I felt like that (I haven't worked out why I felt like that within the marriage) Basically I was brought up with the notion that sex was something men wanted and women had to put up with it.

    I am not totally sure why I changed, but the things that led up to the change were... we got a computer and I discovered fan fiction for my faveourite group. It was of course erotica, and it turned me on big time. I even began to write it myself and people enjoyed reading it. I remember printing out some stories and taking them on holiday with me to get me in the mood, but while I was away I bought myself a Black Lace novel. This is erotica written for women and it is really hot.

    Also around this time I hit the grand age of 40, and suddenly realised that I wasn't over the hill, it was just a number, that I looked about 10 years younger, and in my heart I am younger still. I felt more confident, and I gave myself permission to enjoy and want sex.

    I can't explain why I felt so different so quickly, but the erotica did have a part to play.
     
  8. Brad

    Brad New Member

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    Great advice so far. I feel for your predicament TD.

    I worry that at some stage you might feel, "To hell with this, it is going no where and time is passing by."

    I worry that out of sheer frustration, if an alternative sexual opportunity presents itself to you, you might be forgiven for taking it.

    If after your commendable consideration and understanding, you remain faced with "I don't know" on difficult discussions....

    I think that is definitely time to seek professional advice, both of you together.

    That might cure the difficulties.

    It might not.

    I guess that more married couples than might admit have a lack of sexual intimacy.
    It is all to easy to assume that every couple we see are having frantic and exciting sex. Grass greener on the other side etc.

    Marriages can and do survive without sex.

    But such marriages are fraught with frustration and it is such a shame not to have the icing on the cake.

    Finally TD, you are a brave man to make such an honest posting.

    Good luck as I hope you find a solution and soon.
     
  9. tall_dallas

    tall_dallas New Member

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    I am creeping closer to that inev


    This is going to be our very next step...

    Thanks for the encouraging words.
     
  10. sexaholic

    sexaholic New Member

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    Yeah professional help is a must.

    Is it certain that there is no history of prior (possibly repressed) sexual abuse?
     
  11. tall_dallas

    tall_dallas New Member

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    No.
    I don't want to believe there was... but i'm not able to rule it out at all.

    It's not going to be her father...
    but her two step brothers who are druggies and now in jail... I'd never rule out.
     
  12. cbrmale

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    Sexual repression can arise from a variety of sources, in my wife's case I found it was from religious beliefs, all too common with Christianity I am afraid. There are a couple of ways of dealing with this, counselling with a qualified psychologist my help, or just a heart-to-heart on her past and the negative influences that your wife has been exposed to and the impact they may be having.

    If it is religious, remind her that God gave us sex to enjoy, and if He can see into our bedrooms He isn't condeming the sublime pleasure between married couples, the only thing He will be annoyed with is married couples who are denying the pleasure He gave us, denying this great gift of love.
     
  13. tall_dallas

    tall_dallas New Member

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    OMFG! She's actually trying!

    ok...
    The last time we had sex (prior to the encounter sunday night) was early last week.
    Now...
    We went to my parents farm and had a relaxing weekend for mothers day.
    Things were "ok" as she didn't seem to be on edge... but she was tired and took three naps over the two day period.
    Well... she was somewhat kissy-lovey-duvey on the drive home.
    she gave me a nice kiss and didn't try to make it too quick as she often does. (I miss our passionate kisses :( )
    Anyway.
    we get home, eat, put the kids to bed... etc.
    we went to bed and she popped my back (yeah, being 7' tall sucks.)
    Then I gave her a good massage to return the favor.
    Normally, she's snoring by the time I was done... but not this time.
    After I let her up, she rolled over and was touching my arms, chest, etc... very softly.
    to make a long story short.
    we had a very good night of love making.
    slow, passionate...
    Then the neat things started.
    She rolled over to be on top (something she doesn't always do)
    this time it was unique. She turned around so she faced away from me.
    Just when she was about to climax, she reached down and played with her clit to enhance her orgasm.
    I was very pleasently suprised.
    she then laid back on me and we continued as normal....
    it may be small. but it's really a great step forward.
    she has touched herself in the past while we're in foreplay and such. but very rareley.
    I was definatley pleased with the progress she's made.

    hopefully this will be one of many happy posts... :D
     
  14. miss mary

    miss mary New Member

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    that is great news dallas. did you tell her how much you loved it? how much it turned you on?? and how great it was to see her enjoying herself? this is very important... it's called positive reinforcement (i am a teacher i should know!!) you don't want to only bring up a subject when you are upset, you want to have a conversation when good things happen too.

    i also hope this is just the beginning... good luck :)
     
  15. tall_dallas

    tall_dallas New Member

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    From: Tall_Dallas
    Sent: Monday, May 14, 2007 1:06 PM
    To: Wife
    Subject: I'm proud...

    I just wanted to pop you a message and say something.

    I want to tell you how enjoyable it was being with you last night.
    I was surprised at how you took more control and was comfortable enough to make yourself happy.
    You don’t even know how much of a turn-on it is to see and be with you while you do that.
    These baby steps your taking are just what you need to do.
    I’m impressed, happy and most of all proud.
    You seem to be enjoying things more and that makes me more comfortable.

    I love you.
    R





    ((Like that Miss Mary?))