For years this has been going on. My wife classifies herself as a “June Cleaver” She has almost 0 sexual experiences and nobody has ever tried to help her explore sexuality until she met me… So naturally she is intimidated and scared shitless because she thinks I’m going to see her as some negative person (slit, tramp, whatever) When the opposite is actually true. I have introduced her to many things since we began our relationship. First, I had to teach her that sex wasn’t all physical. There could be and should be emotion tied into it… otherwise, it’s just raw sex. Which is fine on occasion, but without an emotional tie every now and then… and without slowing down and introducing some passion, it’s not much. Then we explored other things. Toys was one of the first things to be introduced. We use them together… (well, I use them on her.) and until recently, she never joined in. She still is uncomfortable when she does and has to ‘be in the mood’ to even join in with the playing. I've told her I love it and it's a big turn-on to me to see her enjoying herself... but she's still skittish about it sometimes. Now she has spoken many times about learning and exploring her own sexuality more. However. We’re stuck in a conundrum. She wants to be more sexual. But is stuck with the mentality that ‘good girls don’t do these things’ (due to her upbringing). I’m loosing my mind trying to expand her options and such… I’m looking for an idea, something that I may not have tried yet. She won’t even really talk. She’s so shy when it comes to talking about sex. She’ll change the subject, avoid the topic and sometimes just be quiet and hope that I’ll forget I asked the question or started a conversation about it. Here is what I sent her today after our encounter last night which ended in her totally closing off from me. I do understand you are feeling apprehensive, nervous, scared and timid. I understand that you being raised in a very timid household where the subject of ‘sex’ was ‘taboo’ I understand you want to progress in your sexual life… There are two big hurdles. One: Your actions… You must understand that there is nothing you can do that will repulse, embarrass, annoy or disgust me. (and any other negative adjective you want to throw out there) I would be just as understanding (and impressed) if you walked out of the bedroom in lace, leather or skin tight vinyl… You won’t upset me. I know I have made statements and done things in the past that made you believe so, but that was due to the situations at the time and how I was so naive to what you were trying to show me. Since I have opened up, you seemed to regress to the state where I was prior. So the job now is to get you feeling as you did before where you want to be explorative and bold… and feel comfortable enough to actually take those steps forward. Two: Your words… Being able to express yourself is a very key element to actually knowing yourself and letting others (namely me) know what you are feeling. If you can’t put your feelings, desires, dislikes, etc. into words… you are essentially denying yourself what you want most… “understanding from others”. I want you to take the phrase “I don’t’ know” and remove it totally from your vocabulary. When you feel like saying those words, stop, realize what feelings are preventing you from answering yes or no and then express your concerns and feelings in words. You told me once that you are nervous because you don’t want to be considered a ‘slut’ or ‘whore’ etc. A woman is a sexual being, and in our society women are socialized to be ashamed and embarrassed of it. What a crock of sh!t… being free enough to know what you want and having the guts to actually ask your partner for those things is impressive and respectable. Not something to be ashamed of. You need to have a self image. One that you must be content with. The question is… are you happy being June Cleaver? Do you want to be more like someone else? Pam Anderson? Dr. Ruth? Any of those would be acceptable… The truth of the whole matter is that you need to find what makes you comfortable, where you want to be in the future, and actually not be afraid to take steps to get there. Just… baby steps… if need be. But some step is appreciated. You know I love you, I just want to see you happy. And I’m know you want more than what we have now.