Got a good sex joke?

Discussion in 'Sexual Fetishes and Fantasies' started by JuicyB, Nov 4, 2006.

  1. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    Father Flanegan took good care of his parish which included the church where he said mass, the Saint Mary's school, and the convent of devoted nuns. The nuns mostly taught the children at the parocial school, and devoted themselves to prayer, meditation, saying rosaries, and other spirtual endeavors. Father Flannegan thought it was high time to impart his superior spiritual knowlege with one of the new nuns, Sister Margaret. He called her into his private quarters and explained to her that he was going to teach her about Heaven! The goal of every good Christian! Now sister, the Father asked, how do we get to Heaven? The shy nun was speachless! I don't know Father! "Well, I'll explain it to you" he said. He unbottoned her habit, pulled down her undies, and explained, "this my dear sister is the gate to Heaven!" And after pulling off his own priestly garments, and exposing his erect member, he said "and this is the key!" And he proceeded to make passionate love to the innocent young nun!

    Several weeks past, and sister Margaret would faithfully attend Father Flanegan's erudite teachings on "Heaven" every Tuesday afternoon in his private chambers. Although she enjoyed the classes, she began to worry! Is this really what a nun is supposed to do? And that great big "thing" of Father Flannegan's, was it really what he said it was? After much consternation, and soul searching Sister Margaret decided to had to know the truth! She called Sister Agnes, another young nun aside and tearfully confessed the whole story! Sister Agnes's eyes widdened with horror! "What! The key of Heavan! Father Flanegan told me it was Gabriel's Horn and he's had me blowing it for the past 3 weeks!" ::lol
     
  2. PhoenixRose

    PhoenixRose New Member

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  3. Bluesy

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    :rofl I think I need to lock up my vibrator for a while.

    Bruce, good one! ;)
     
  4. PhoenixRose

    PhoenixRose New Member

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    Who is Jack Schitt?

    For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

    Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

    In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

    Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

    After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

    Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

    Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

    :lol
     
  5. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    Phoenix your joke rocks! Congrats!

    Now here's another:

    Q: Why did the rubber fly across the room?


    A: It got pissed off!
     
  6. Hot Wheels

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    Come on Brucey, you can do better than that:D

    What did Danny La Rue and Mike Tyson have in common?
    A. The've both been punched around the ring.

    Plastic surgeons have decided that when Michael Jackson dies they are going to melt him down to make plastic toys so that children can play with him for a change.
     
  7. misty_gurrl

    misty_gurrl New Member

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    I got this one in my e-mail...

    ----------------------

    A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under "Escorts and Massages."

    He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erotique,a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair; long graceful legs
    all the way up. You know the kind . .. So he is in his room and figures, what the hell, he gives her a call.

    "Hello?" the woman says. Wow! She sounded sexy!

    "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want
    it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky, the whole night long.
    You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want,
    baby. Now, how does that sound?"

    She says, "That sounds fantastic; but for an outside line you need to press 9."
     
  8. Bella

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    Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
    Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
    "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
    Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
    His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
    But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
    Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"
     
  9. AnonymousOne

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    I'm coughing I'm laughing so hard.

    So a priest is manning his place at confession when he realizes that he absolutely has to go pee or he might explode. Seeing the Janitor buffing the marble floors he waves the middle-aged guy over.

    Priest: "Listen, I have to go pee, can you cover for me?"
    Janitor:"Well I don't know what to tell people."
    P: " It's right here on this sheet, just go with it."
    J: "Okay."

    A young man comes to confession after the priest has left and confesses to having an affair. The Janitor looks down the sheet and assigns him the proper number of "Our Father's" and "Hail Mary's" and sends him on his way. After several minutes a young woman walks up and confesses to having had anal sex with her boyfriend. The Janitor can't find the listing for "Anal sex" . He sticks his head out and motions to one of the alterboys who is restocking candles over.
    Janitor: "What does the Priest usually give 'em for anal sex?"
    Boy: "Well he ususally gives us Hershey's Bars and $20."
     
  10. Bella

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    OMG, Ewwwie!! lol
    Here's another one for ya...

    A 17 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy test. The test is positive. Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

    The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

    He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

    Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account."

    He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000each.

    However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

    At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him "You fuck her again..."
     
  11. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    The Colombian Monkey from the Coast!
    In Colombia (I spent 2 yrs. there) the people of the coast are famous for wearing bright colors, prodcing racey music, and sexual wildness! The folks from cold, grey, solemn Bogotá like to say they dress like parrots. The cold, Andean capital is called the "Cathedral of South America" since it's so dark and the poeple are so serious! A monkey arrived at the Bogotá zoo, from tropical, flamboyant Barranquilla. To the horror of all the animals, the disgusting little creature began masturbating in public, and getting all the sex he could! Besides other monkeys, he'd go after parrots, ant-eaters, snakes, whatever! Anything that flew, crawled, climbed, or trotted, he would fuck it! Or try his damnedest to do so! Finally all the animals got fed up! They had a meeting and decided to talk to the monkey about his wayward ways! But he refused to meet with them! A screeching could be heard! Feathers were flying! He got another parrot! So all the animals united and cornered the monkey in a tree. He was trembling like a leaf! Terrified! At last his day had come! The jaguar was the spokesman. "Come on down! We only want to talk with you!" With a trembling, terrified voice the monkey answered "You're going to kill me! Especially you the jaguar! You are kow for eating monkeys!" Nonesense ansered the jaguar! I'm a man of word! Noble, just like the Lions! And to prove I mean you know harm, I'll have my paws tied! After the jaguar was tied up, the cowardly monkey continued to quake with fear! His trembling caused all the leaves in the tree to shake! At last he started his descent. With quavering hands and feet,he slowly came down from the tree. Why are you still afraid the jaguar asked? Obviously I can't hurt you. I'm tied up! The monkey answered "This is the first time I've ever fucked a jaguar!"
     
  12. Bella

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    Ok, one more. Got this in my email today! :lol

    A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms and a sales girl approached him...
    Sales girl: "Can I help you, Sir?"
    Young man: "Yes, I want to buy some condoms."
    Sales girl: "What size do you need, Sir?"
    Young man: "I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need."
    Sales girl: "May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need?"
    As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance:
    "Give me a SMALL one..."
    "Wait! Make it MEDIUM..."
    "Wait! Make it LARGE..."
    "Shit! Give me a TISSUE !!!"
     
  13. Dreama

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    This is the first dirty joke I ever heard

    Q What's the number one pickup line at a gay bar?
    A Excuse me sir, may I push up your stool?
     
  14. Hot Wheels

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    How do you fit 4 gays on a bar stool?
    Turn it upside down.
     
  15. AnonymousOne

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    *dies lauging*

    And Dreama, your's was pretty good too. :lol
     
  16. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    Once there was a Jewish lady, Hanna, who was married to a doctor. She was well known for her frugality, and for her keen eye for business. Her husband, the doctor was a specialist at circumcisions. Hanna explained to her friend how she asked her husband to save the forskins for her. She collected the foreskins at home, and sewed them into nice wallets which she would sell! Eager to make a sale, she told her friend, " ... and that's not all! If you rub it, it turns into a suitcase!"
     
  17. Bella

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    These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.

    The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

    The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

    The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!

    She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"
    :lol
     
  18. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    Good one Bella! And I like your picture !
     
  19. Hot Wheels

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    If the answer to the riddle is "Cock Robin" then what is the riddle?
    A: Whats up my ass Batman?
     
  20. misty_gurrl

    misty_gurrl New Member

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    #20 misty_gurrl, Nov 11, 2006
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2006