Good advice needed!

Discussion in 'Sexual Foreplay and Techniques' started by nametaken, Feb 1, 2007.

  1. nametaken

    nametaken New Member

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    Hi everyone, i am to be getting married soon , and i and my wife-to-be are both virgins. so i wanted to know a couple of things.

    1) what can i do to make our first time the best or least frightful experience for her?

    2) Is it possible/difficult to make her orgasm or climax or make her feel whatever makes a woman feel at least satisfied?

    3) If her being a virgin does not aid to her climax or whatever i mentioned above, what can i do involving intercourse alone?

    I think thats all of it. please keep in mind that we are not kinky, we dont use toys, we arent fond of anything like oral, we're really simple, and she obviously doesnt know im researching. since we are both freshly new to this, there may be some exploring, but it probably wont go past fingers, and at most, me giving her oral, but thats not really my concern now, i just want to stick to intercourse and as a later resort, fingers. i hope im not coming off as odd, and i hope yo uall can help. thank you very much in advance. please feel free to email me atiffarooqi@msn.com
     
  2. cbrmale

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    I don't know where to start, but I will give it a go. First up, a woman's first time is often - difficult, as in painful. I was very experienced with a lot of lovers when I first had sex with my now wife, who was a virgin at the time. What I did was relax her, kiss her, caress her, touch her, get her ready and then do it. It hurt her, but I did it because I had to. And even though the sex for her and me wasn't good (nobody wants to hurt their loved one), I knew from my experience that it would get better. So don't get unreasonable expectations, but more importantly do what you can to make your wife feel loved, and then do what you must do.

    Now from here on for you, sex is more complicated than it appears, so what you have to do is realise that you have to crawl a bit before you can walk. First up, I think you two should get comfortable with each other, and with making love, and then move onto more advanced things. Sex is lovely, and women get a lot of pleasure out of the kissing and the caressing and everything that goes with sharing a special gift, so just take it easy and enjoy.

    Women usually don't orgasm through intercourse, it can happen, but it is pretty rare. So experienced men usually help their partner to orgasm first, and then move to intercourse.

    There isn't a how-to guide on woman's orgasm, every woman is different in regards to how they want to be touched, and where they want to be touched and how hard. I learned by getting one of my partners to show me for a couple of minutes how she masturbated, and then I touched her the same way. And when I did it to her, it was so exciting, and it worked! I did that a couple of times, and then I moved onto something more special, I did oral on her by imitating what I learned from my fingers with my tongue. And then we reached true intimacy, even though she was just a friend. To do oral on a woman, to taste and feel that special place (l'origin du monde) is a delight beyond description. To feel the tension in her legs, to hear her when she comes is sublime. If you can master fingering her to orgasm, and if you are both comfortable with oral, then it is a delicious dish that makes intercourse even more special.

    I think if you read this and think some of my suggestions worthwhile, then talk it through with your wife before the night. I can set your expectations, and you should set hers. If she understands what I told my now wife (that is I have to do it, but it will be better next time), then no bad surprises for her. And if you BOTH realise that good sex and orgasm is more complicated that it appears, then you can both take your time learning and exploring, and maybe both of you agreeing to change boundaries as you gain confidence.

    I hope this helps. I personally believe everyone should lose their virginity to an experienced partner (me with an older woman, my wife with me). But if you don't set unreasonable expecatations at first, and you take it one step at a time, and you open yourselves to explore and experience other delights, and you both communicate, then I hope it works out for you two.
     
  3. Emart

    Emart New Member

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    I've got half that equation down....now just to find a loving wife that's a virgin! :eyes
     
  4. Dreama

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    Yeah, I don't know about that. What about all the fun, experimental sex unexperienced partners have? My fiance and I both know how to push each other's buttons, but we wouldn't have had so much fun, if one of us was more experienced. I know if he was the experienced one, I would have had doubts about my own sexual ability. Sometimes, unexperienced is fun. But, I do think that being with someone who 'knows what they're doing' is quite fun, too. And, it could help ease nervousness.
     
  5. HerHubby

    HerHubby The SF Poet Laureate
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    Well, first, if your fiancee's hymen is intact, it might be a good idea for her to go to a good gynecologist and let her (if I was a woman, I would only go to a female gynacologist - I've always thought it to be weird that a guy would try to deal with female medical needs in that area) open the hymen. They can do it painlessly and greatly lessen the emotional trauma of it. On the wedding night, don't worry about achieving penetration. If you do, fine, but don't worry about it, it will eventually happen and, until then, you can make her cum by doing things like sucking her nipples while you rub her clit with your finger after you get her heated up or you two can do oral sex on each other or "69" where you are sucking and licking each other at the same time. Let HER be the one to decide how and when penetration happens. If I was newly married to a virgin woman, I'd just tell her, "sweetheart, I will be glad to make love to you and make you cum using my tongue and/or fingers, however, YOU need to be the one to decide when you want me in you and how you want us to do it!" Letting her be on top might be the best way to do that if that's how she wants it. Whatever you do, your first sex needs to be very loving, very gentle and she needs to have an equal say in whatever you do. When my wife and I first made love, she was the one to say "I want you in me!" and then I was very careful that it was gentle and loving and as good or better for her as it was for me! Always has been! I always make sure that she is satisfied before I cum in her vagina or mouth.
     
  6. SexyScorp

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    Ye guys are better than Dr. Ruth...I swear ye are!!!

    :)
     
  7. Elvis

    Elvis Member

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    It took me 2 whole laborious weeks to gain entry when I first married a virgin!
    I was sexually experienced and was willing to wait. It was worth it!!
    Patience is a virtue it's said.
    I later met a guy who basically raped his virgin wife on their wedding night and made her fridgid!
    Play it by ear, be gentle and loving, but don't go crazy if it won't go in if you want her to enjoy sex for the rest of your married life!

    There has been some good advice in the previous posts, but not all of it.
     
  8. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    If your woman does not have knowledge of her own erogenous zones, then you need to be patient and just enjoy the journey. You are both new, and seriously, i don't think she is going to go for oral sex right off the bat (though that method is quite condusive to orgasm).

    You sound like you are sensitive, and given that, couples down through the ages have taken time to grow in their sexual relationship. DO NOT go into your honeymoon feeling that you are a failure, should she not climax. A woman finds extreme pleasure in being enveloped with love, and being smothered with sexual overtones - even if orgasm does not happen. This sense of love builds, and in time, she is able to 'release' herself to the overwhelming sensation of orgasm. It may take time - but if you are in this for the long haul, "time" is all you have - so just enjoy it! :tup
     
  9. nametaken

    nametaken New Member

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    I actually talked to her a while back and we didnt talk in discrete terms as we are both bashful haha but we hinted at stuff and she bascially said on her own that she would pick top and honestyly, i feel she would have most control on top so i wouldnt have had it any other way. Rose, thatnk you for your input, i am thankful for all of your input but i knew a woman would give better, naturally haha, but i am very appreciative of you all. i had a couple of other questions but i think im over stressing this, i should just let it flow naturally. i think oral is completely out of the question b/c neither of us are looking forward to it, i personally dont want it done on me. i finally mustered up the courage today to somewhat talk bout it to her, and she was a little embarrased but she said to me, " look, dont worry about pleasing me like that, you do everythign else i could possibly want, so well see together, and if not then thats not the end of marriage, yo udo so many other things to give me pleasure." i didnt say that to brag but it made me appreciate this relationship sooo much more. but im the kind of person that if he fails at something he will drop in self esteem quickly. i am quick to call myself a failure, and i told her that this is a big thing because for me ive seen so many things about women being bored out their minds and i got the idea that she will always be bored w/o climax. so i got scared and i told her that this is so scary for me that im afraid to ever do it with her at all, which is when she told me that. and i need to change that about myself but im dreading being a selfish boring unstimulating husband. but i do understand that sex isnt the only thing. But from now until the day we die i want this to be nothing but romantic and something for her to always look forward to, even ask for. But the one question i will ask is this: aside from orgasm, does a woman still feel other things of great pleasure during this whole thing? Anyway, i dont mean to dump all of my life stroy onto you guys, thank you all for helping out.
     
  10. nametaken

    nametaken New Member

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    Also, i wanted to know how will i know ive hit a good spot or motion that will lead to orgasm and how do i know to keep going?
     
  11. Elvis

    Elvis Member

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    The web is jam packed full of information about sex, go surfing?
    Find out where the G spot is for future reference, in my day we'd never heard of it!
    One thing you can be sure of is that sex has been happening since the beginning of time, so it's nothing to get worked up about and akin to falling off a log, or at the most, riding a bike.
    There wasn't any sex instruction at school when I grew up, we just did what comes naturally, but with the enlightenment of today's society and the web and even books to guide you to all of the erogenous zones, you have nothing to worry about.
    Oral sex is something else, but you'll both be missing out if you don't try it!
     
  12. cbrmale

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    Yes, absoulutely, there is no question that women (and men) derive great pleasure from the intimacy and the closeness and the loving bond of sex. This is why you should not stress about her orgasm at first, it will come to her when you are both confident and experience, and if you both experiment as to what technique suits you.

    But really truly, women love sex with the man of their dreams, and orgasm is not necessary for sex to be pleasureable.

    I do not agree with HerHubby about not achieving penetration by the way. I read a posting where a couple did not achieve penetration for their entire honeymoon, and that concerned me. As you read in my post, I did it to my wife and then it was good for her from then on. So my recommendation is for both of you to be as relaxed and as comfortable and as aroused as you can be, and then do it.

    By the way, and I am not bragging, I have a very large penis in terms of width or diameter, so my wife had to take a lot. But we still did it on the first night we slept together, and then on sex was beautiful.
     
  13. The Mistress

    The Mistress New Member

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    I'm just gonna add one thing.....lubrication might help things go a bit smoother. :D
     
  14. FormerFreak

    FormerFreak New Member

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    HerHubby, I'm more inclined to agree with you over Cbrmale in that I think you guys should be fingering FIRST. A large penis is NOT FUN for a first-timer! NOT FUN AT ALL! Even a small penis isn't fun; it's a puncture wound with a blunt object, just smaller. So fingers first!

    I think the two of you need to know that God won't smite thee down if you start off with fingers on the weekends before you get hitched--you're about to me married after all, let it get hot and heavy in the days preceding. But PLEASE! don't just shove that thing in her! And lubrication is tantamount to pleasurable sex, right on point, Mistress! Go to CVS and buy some Astroglide or KY Jelly or whatever else you find on the net as being a good lubricant (but please, not petroleum jelly).

    And as an aside, I get the both of you being nervous and reluctant to do adventurous things like maybe nipple stuff, oral, anal--that's fine; I think a lot of us start of that way. Fortunately, you guys will be loving and sharing your bodies together for (hopefully) the rest of your lives, so you have time to get to those points if need be. If Christian dogma has you a bit inclined to feel ashamed about your bodies, that's okay, too. All in due time. Allow me to suggest a glance through your local Good Book--if you look, you'll find several passages that would indicate that you are ALLOWED to find pleasure in carnal pleasure--so long as it's with your life-long partner. I think the book of Solomon has several passages where intimacy is addressed, so why not take that to the bedroom on you kinky nights if you're an uber-Christian but feeling freaky? Heh, heh--kind of like the Kama-Sutra of Christianity, LOL! :D

    No, really, no offense intended! I'm going off topic with that. What I wanted to stress was that you should go finger first to lessen the possibility of pain, for her or you. Sex really starts to getting stimulating for a woman after a few encounters which dull the pain. Especially after you get to know what parts of her genitalia are "orgasmic". The clitoris (I know you may know this, but just in case) is very reactive to touch, so even when your abdomen rubs up against it when your bodies are joined in sexual union it finds stimulation. I suggest that after she starts to 'get into the groove' of what you're doing, you can start to rub/massage that area, gently, and with lubrication (artificial or natural). THAT is pleasurable to a woman (most women). And when the sexual act stops being painful, the in and out of the act will also stimulate her. And when you guys are REALLY sexperienced (i.e. around your 25th time or so), you can try the "doggie-style" position, and you'll both finally find out why people rave about sex so much!

    L'Chaim!
     
  15. cbrmale

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    I think we are overdoing the pain thing here. I am not an expert on deflowering virgins, just did it the once with someone who was very nervous. Even though she was tight with anxiety, and her hymen was intact, it really was just a short sharp jab. We did it missionary, because it is a looser position (good move given my size) than a woman on top. Woman on top, tight position, not good for first time!

    I spoke to my wife before I posted, and she said she didn't enjoy it, but it wasn't that bad.

    The trick (if there was one) was to get my wife aroused and hot and as ready as she was ever going to be. And we did it and we had an entertaining honeymoon from there on.
     
  16. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    I had been 'fingered' many times, before doing "the Big Dirty" :lol

    However, when I lost my virginity, it was with someone who didn't care, and it was a sort of "Slam-Bam- Thank you, Ma'am" kind of thing.

    And it hurt - real bad.

    So fingering doesn't really do the trick to loosen a woman for penetration later. I think cbrmales' input is important. It MUST be an erotic experience - she needs to be excited and hot and ready. Otherwise, it may be a painful experience, which CAN be overcome, but why risk it.

    Making it a loving moment will definitely reap benefits in the long run.
     
  17. nametaken

    nametaken New Member

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    To formerfreak, im not christian i am muslim, but our book says that the spouse is closer than a garment to each of you so approach each other as you will (so long as in the vagina and not during the period) but enoug hbout religion, we just dont like oral, and i have a really good feeling that we have no desire to perform it but later is later.

    no offense taken. We both decided to take it as it comes. And i told her that no matter what its only for her pleasure. i will definitely do a lot of foreplay and caressing and al lthe body stuff etc, make her feel liek she is the most important and loved person in the world (since she is) and i will be as gentle as a human could be. everything will be by her command. and i will never do anything until she tells me to, ever. I think after al lthis, the only thing i really needed was ther comfort from my wife to say we will see together, but you all helped a great deal. I also realized that...ITS MARRIAGE! our bodies are each others and no one elses so we can explore and neither of us can say that it sucked since we have no background and im also assuming shewill feel everything more and quicker since shes untouched, and the bottom line is...
    this stuff isnt the end all be all fo the relationship so its ok. But i do appreciate all youve put in.
     
  18. Elvis

    Elvis Member

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    Nice to see that there's a bit of sense written here by an older lady Rose!
    I'll reiterate what I said earler and hope that cbrmale realises that no two bodies are the same and we don't all have monster cocks, I'm average.

    It took two weeks of patience for me and my ex wife to copulate due to her tiny, hymen covered entrance. She wanted it as much as me and was 'hot and ready' but it wasn't possible. We did all the fingering and wet probing before we were able to manage the first full entry and from then on it was wonderful.

    I'd like to say here that we'd known each other for 5 years before we got married, so waiting another 2 weeks to have full sex was no problem.
     
  19. cbrmale

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    My comment on my big cock is pertinent, because I got my lady in the mood the first time we slept together, and I only hurt her a little. So the woman with a man who is average is certainly going to have it easier, as long as his partner is fully aroused, which is they key.

    Even today, arousal is a factor, quickies avoided! She has to be quite aroused to take me, and if it has to be a quick one I work her up as much as I can and then penetrate REALLY SLOWLY.

    It is good to see the couple have decided to do it their way, it may be first night like me or it may be something else. And it is also good to see that they are not expecting orgasmic fireworks on the first night, and they know that will come with time, patience, practice, communication and love.