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Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Donm, Oct 30, 2017.
Great question. Are you slightly turned on by her promiscuity?
What is the latest about that with OP?
It's one of those things I'm just not sure about. Yeah I have self esteem issues but that doesn't mean I'd just put up with it. But I brought this up and the future and she said she didn't want anyone else. I also finally told her very point blank I'm confused and conflicted about everything.
She told me it's not bad that a part of me doesn't mind it or finds it attractive. She said it would be a win win situation. It's just that whenever I seem to give an inch she takes a mile. Like last night she invited me to hang out with her friends. She was super flirtatious again, she was getting hit on a lot and I couldn't say anything cause everything was so intense. She didn't seem to care that I don't want to move forward quickly.
I'm glad she finally opened up and was honest. I just worry she might not be understanding that this is new territory.
Now she comes and tells me at the party she sucked this guy off after i passed out and that they're hanging out on the weekend. She says this is what she wants and it could work. Now I regret talking to her about this. She says she loves attention and has this side she needs to satisfy. I don't know why it's necessary. Is it normal for someone to have a ridiculous sex drive like this?
For her. The operative phrase is "it could work for her". It obviously isn't working for you. Forget about why it's necessary, forget about her level of sex drive. You need to ask yourself if the price of staying with the only girl you want, is that she gets to fuck every guy she wants. There's nothing inherently positive or negative about what either of you wants from your relationship, only that, as evidenced by your posts, that they may not be compatible....
OK man, here’s another thought. I’m thinking g she’s basically just using you as a static object. Like a vacuum cleaner or toaster, she obviously has deep cuckolding fantasies that she values above her feelings for you. You serve s purpose for her as an emotional anchor and a static object that plays the part of her boyfriend to fu k in front of. After 2 years of commitment, I know it’s hard but... cut and run hard. Theses people out there who are black holes and when you stand to close their vortex of bullshit will pull you in and destroy you, walk now! I hope you d told her your displeasure? If not, she thinks you’re down with it.
My advice would be that this situation will never resolve and that the OP will eventually be replaced anyway so he should walk before his self esteem if further degraded to the point of despair.
Instead find another even perhaps less physically desirable lady but one with whom can make you happy long term. The present one will only cause you misery.
What should you do? Run like the wind!
This made me think of those who are found and the affairs are not tolerated.
They go home to find their stuff out at the curb.
We hear about guys having it done but one co-worker sort of did it to his GF when he found out she was fucking his friend.
Got her wheels, he took them back. Got her a nice cell phone, he took it back.
They were going to move anyway, he ended up moving alone, she had to find herself a place ..... HE was moving, not THEY anymore.
And he dropped his friend.
Those of you who say leave, you should realize everything else great. She is a great girlfriend otherwise. And even with this she reassures me that she loves me. She tells she needs to be fulfilled physically.
I have decided to stay. I just don't want to worry all the time. The whole thing actually turns me on but it also makes me feel weird. Especially in public. She pressures me to go out but makes it really weird when the whole night she'll be all over a guy. She will let them buy her drinks or put hands on her. She's also always out smoking with guys. But when I try to join she shuts me down. But then she's really nice when we leave. She just gets very weird with me around other guys and that's my issue.
Ok........well if you are ok with that shit then it it really your scene so enjoy the put downs then the highs afterwards.
Not many of us guys could/would not handle that but if you can then much kudos to you dude!
You realize you've basically submitted your file into the "Lost Cause" pile right? What level of physical fulfillment could be necessary that gives her free license to abuse and gaslight you as such? Why do you keep justifying her non consenting cuckolding of you by likening it to a polyamorous situation, which let me guess, you're not allowed or don't show any interest of poly fulfillment of your own? Be real with yourself. My money's still on a self esteem issue and you feel like this is the only way a woman of her "caliber" will tolerate you.
But a relationship wraught with obvious disrespect and deception is as "great" as a ticking time bomb, because this "minor sex thing" will creep into your finances, your household, child rearing and the like, until one day you look up and decide to do something about all the resentment built up, which, if you are a white American male between the ages of 18-55, probably doesn't bode well for the rest of us...
There are too many women out there that will respectfully sail the poly journey with you in a way that makes you feel good about yourself and the relationship for you to be stuck on this one..Find the blockage and clear it, for future @Donm 's sake.
Forums can be useful, but cases like this can prove really damaging. Everyone one has an opinion. And advice is really easy to give when you are not the person involved. Sure tell him to run like the wind, but whatever you say, maybe you ought to really hear what the OP says and how he feels, first.
1) He really loves her, loves being with her, loves the way she and he relate, including sexually. She is hot.
2) He doesn't really mind her fucking other guys, actually he kind of likes it. It turns him on, to be honest.
3) He does not love her humiliating him by flirting and making out with other guys in social situations, with him there.
3b) Twice he has mentioned passing out at those same situations
4) He does not love her being dishonest
5) When they talked it helped clear the air, but the results were incomplete to say the least.
So when we think about who he and she are, let's offer some advice that can be followed and does't involve walking out or kicking someone to the curb.
1) Talk to her, having really thought through your feelings and having come to grips with who she really is. Require honesty from her, and be totally honest yourself. You are not gong to get her to become someone else but maybe she can learn to behave in a way so that you both can be happy.
2) Tell her that when she flirts and disregards you at parties you are humiliated. Talk with her and figure out what it is she wants when she does that. Does she want to seduce a guy to play with? Or does she want that kind of social attention from guys, and likes it when it goes "too far."
3) Remember, you drink too much and crash. That can't be all that fun. Work with her to see if you find a way to get what you both want. Do it positively instead of presenting grievances.Maybe she can find a more discrete way to meet men to play with and to fuck.
4) This is a bit touchy. Talk to her calmly and see what it is she wants from her extra men -- The attention? The variation? Feeling attractive and powerful? More sexual satisfaction than you give her? It the answer is the last, you will need to follow it further and see if it is something you can remedy, like learning to last longer; or if it is something like cock-size, which she may not be able to resolve without other partners.
5) You say you do like sharing her somewhat, see if you can be with her some of the time and watch. She obviously is ok with that.
What I am trying to say is that if you really love her and want to be with her, it is worth spending some time working on finding ways for both of you to be happy/
@uncutpete what you say is sanguine, most of us including myself have been guilty of projecting ourselves onto this situation and commented accordingly.
I feel you @uncutpete , but everything about this story speaks to an abusive relationship that he is trying to normalize. Just for arguments' sake I want you to reverse the genders in this story and make the writer your daughter/niece/cousin/aunt/etc and ask yourself if you'd be offering the same advice about how she should deal with her lusty boyfriend.
The lengths by which those with self esteem issues will appease their partners is a well documented path, and men recently, perhaps in a misguided bid to maintain some sense of self worth, seem to be more and more willing to accept certain behaviors and transgressions from an SO in lieu of having to let them go and presumably not be able to find another. Men have done this for millenia, forcing women to accept their "extracurricular activities" in exchange for refuge, income, and just an overall sense of security. Women, this woman in particular have since responded by measuring access to sex and emotional fulfillment as a form of behavior modification.
OP may very well be into cuckoldry, polyamory, whatever, and perhaps he should do some soul searching to see if that is what he wants out of a relationship, but he deserves to do that with someone willing to walk that journey along with him, not drag him along because that's whats most comfortable for her.
I understand your argument, but I think things are more nuanced than you do. First of all, one simply can't flip the binary of the genders. It is not the same for a man and for a woman. An attractive woman can flirt with much more immediate success than a man. On the other hand, she has much less cultural cover for doing it (maybe that is changing), as you admit when you say
She may be doing forcing him to accept her behavior by controlling access to sex, but nothing that he has said indicates this. In fact, he says that he is excited by her having other partners, just that she is humiliating him by the way she acts at parties (has conking out at parties must not be fun for her either). I think the key to this situation is whether or not they can compromise with their behavior. She has to find a less humiliating way to find other men and for her to take care of him better emotionally as well. He needs to control his drinking, and really talk to her clearly about what he needs. If they can't do this, he should protect himself and disconnect.
I wasn't asking to consider the overarching cultural connotations of a gender flip, just simply the facts. A disrespectful SO is measured by the attempts to usurp a relationship via their actions/intentions not by their probable success rate.
Lots of things have the capability to excite\arouse us that are not necessarily healthy for us. It's long been proven there is a biological component to gynocentric cuckoldry and polyamory that facilitates additional bloodflow to the penis(to inflate the glans) and that results in larger ejaculate volumes, both intended to overcome a competitor's sperm presumably already in the vagina. Don't you think it's easy for a man to have his judgement clouded by a libido driven into overdrive by a primal sense of competition?
To assume these biological functions are indications of personal desire being fulfilled is as fallacious as assuming all women whom have self lubricated and orgasmed from rape were asking for it. Just because something excites you or feels good does not make it good for you.
Dude, who are you to decide for this guy what is good for him or what is not. Are you really presuming to tell him not to do what he wants to because YOU know better what is good for him? And please check yourself! This guy is not a woman being raped. You are trivializing rape and sexual abuse by using it at all in this argument.
So back to reality. He LIKES the fact that she has other partners. Whatever anatomical reasons you pose for the roots of our enjoyment of polyamory or cuckoldry, they are guesses and incomplete. He has his own individual drives and desires. People are complex and so are their sexual drives. I have been the outside man, a "bull" for couples, my entire life since I was a teenager, dozens of regular couples over the years. They are all different. The vast majority would tell you that their life style IS good for them In fact, they have loved it enough to stay with me for long periods. What you like, what stimulates your blood flow, is your individual experience. My point is, let this couple talk honestly and try to adjust their behavior so that they both can enjoy each other and stay together as long as it is "good for them" ...which may be for a week, or a lifetime.
I am a human being responding to a forum post that he put out there expressing his discontent. I'm a part of this forum which is full of men who proudly proclaim their desire to watch their woman get fucked and to clean up afterwards, seeing a man who isn't posting with anywhere near the same enthusiasm.
Im a guy that has an ear for abusive and coercive behavior that is saddened every day by blowback from men who either can't or are so invested in the moral pedestal they've created for women they simply choose to deny its existience.
Im a contrary opinion for the majority of guys here who seem more invested in some other guys semen on their chin than forming a healthy and happy relationship.
And admittedly Im a guy with no interest in sharing my wife which makes me just as biased as the self proclaimed long time "bull" that seems more invested in protecting his market.