Girlfriend has some sex "issues". plz advise

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by sandmander, Oct 26, 2006.

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  1. sandmander

    sandmander New Member

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    I need and would appreciate some help here.

    My girlfriend of 3 months has some very real issues with sexual activity that I am just starting to see surface as we are getting more involved. She was basically raped at a very young age (13 or so) and recently got out of a 3 year relationship that consisted of constant verbal abuse, and more important to the topic at hand, a very mediocre, to unsatisfying sex life. She has told me that she rarely enjoyed sex with her former partner, as it was "all about him" and she became used to him asking for things (blowjobs, sex, etc etc).

    That said, I am not the kind of man to ask her outright for a blowjob or anything else. I will and have hinted that I desire these things, and even encourage her when she touches me and takes charge. She rarely, if ever, actually initiates anything sexual, however, and when she has it has on both occasions ended quite awkwardly with her kind of smiling shyly and even kind of laughing a little in a very timid, and nearly scared way. She has described the feeling of wanting badly to just do certain things, but says she encounters a wall of sorts and she just freezes up.

    We've not has intercourse, as I both feel she is not ready mentally, even if she physically desires this (as she says she does), and also because I am planning to wait until marriage to have sex, although I am quite confident with her in bed, and could see myself making an exception for her if the circumstances were great.

    I have gone down on her a handful of times, nearly always giving her an orgasm, once giving her two. She often cannot believe that I am genuine in my outlook on sex as she has never had a lover (the one man she dated for 3 yrs) who had any real concern for her satisfaction. And I am extremely sincere in my desire for her complete and utter sexual satisfaction. I've gone 21 years without sexual contact of any real kind (as a personal choice) and honestly have great willpower and take a good deal of enjoyment out of seeing my girl orgasm.

    We care a great deal about each other and get more comfortable with each other every day, but I am a man and since things have been a bit physical, I do have my own needs (I have not orgasmed in her presence yet.) That is not even to say I need to get off. What I need is a receptive and open partner who WANTS to please me as much as I want to please her. I have no interest in an emotionless bj/hj and if she is not into it, I can simply go without. She is trying to get to that point and is very unhappy that she reaches the barrior she describes, but it seems that she is betting on time to get her there.

    It sounds to me like sex had become mechanic to her in her previous relationship, which in time had made her apprehension give way to complacency. Having a terrible, selfish lover probably only helped make sex that much more of a deluded experience for her, as opposed to the beautiful, satisfying, emotionally fulfilling experience it has the potential to be. I am set on achieving that place with her and helping her finally find sex as it was meant to be in her and my own life, but I am no psychologist, and on top of that have very little knowledge of sexual abuse, as has occured in her youth.

    For the record I have known her, and saw her very very frequently, for nearly two years before we started dating.

    I love this girl very much and need advice on how to help in whatever way I can in the healing process regarding her traumatizing first time and current position towards sex.

    Please ask any questions you have, and thank you very much for reading this.
     
  2. Joe

    Joe
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    It sounds to me like you're going at it in the best way by not pressing for anything she doesn't want. But what you're asking is, if she wants to have sex, should I?

    If you have loving and mutually fulfilling sex, I don't think it would hurt anyone. It's natural for young lovers (or old ones) to do it. I'd say just go with the flow, so to speak. Have a little talk with her (outside of the bed), and tell her exactly how you feel. Ask her how she feels about sex and what it should mean. Then listen. Good communication is essential.

    I think you have the right attitude. Good luck.
     
  3. AnonymousOne

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    You're doing well lad.

    One word: Patience.

    That's what it is going to take. Very few people can just hop in bed with someone and be completely comfortable. I wish you the best of luck. *tips hat*
     
  4. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    Sounds like you're on the right track. Rape victims, or any S.A. (sex abuse) vicitim to get over it, they have to want to. If you're going down on her, and she's getting off as you say, it sounds like well on her way to getting healed. But she should be willing to take intentional steps of her own to get over it and put it behind her. These would include going down on you, and finding a joy in pleasing!
     
  5. Bluesy

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    Ooh, that would be frustrating :ugh I think what you have to keep in mind is that this is a very real psychological problem for her. What she really needs is therapy...Do you think it's possible to broach the subject during a heart-to-heart? Otherwise, you should know that these things can't always be overcome with time and familiarity, and if you don't want her to just go through the motions, this could become a real point of contention later on. Her SA issues are a part of her, they presently define her attitude towards sex, and that's something you may have to accept or decide that it's just more than you can handle. If you can gently encourage her to seek help, that would be great. These things don't just go away by themselves.
     
  6. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    Bluesy is right. A round of therapy may be a very good idea. Nonetheless, the person has to agree and want the therapy, and believe that it's a wothwhile step.
     
  7. Bluesy

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    Yeah, I think that's the most frustrating thing of all, when you know someone is in dire need of professional help and just won't, for whatever reason, get it. I hope this guy's gf is amenable to getting it.
     
  8. sandmander

    sandmander New Member

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    Some things about me:

    I was raised in a Christian home, and after a period of time spent not being sure what I believed, I have come to have a real belief in Christ, yada yada, but also have some very huge guffs with organized religion. I said personal reasons because although some of the reason I had waited was due to this Christian upbringing, the better part of my decisions have been made for my own interests.

    Speaking of my girlfriend directly, I have conciously made the decision to allow oral, and manual sex to be a part of my pre-marital life. Don't tell me I'm a hypocrite, because this is counter-productive to the point at hand. If my girlfriend is having concerning emotional roadblocks when it comes to oral/mutual masturbation, then she is frankly not ready for sex. Sure she might let me put it in and we might even both cum, but I need her to be comfortable enough to touch me sexually without shame, or hesitancy of any sort before I engage in intercourse with her.

    Of note, I have zero hangups in regards to physical things, it is just the timing of these things that I am in control of. I have made a clear mental decision for myself that once I commit to something sexual I free myself of any apprehension. It has worked well for oral sex, which, since the first time I experienced it has been nothing but wonderfully enjoyable for me. If I were to decide tomorrow that her and I were ready for the whole sexual package including intercourse, then I would leave my celibate self in the dust and enjoy sex.

    I'm not the one who is pushing sex, and then backing away, becoming shy, and running into emotional barriers. I have made it clear verbally that I am 100% more than okay with everything and anything sexual aside from intercourse at the moment, and have shown this by giving her oral more than once. She respects my decision, but there are clearly hangups on her end more than mine, ie she can barely caress my body without almost blushing and getting timid. I see no reason to put intercouse on the menu when the simple things are still uncomfortable for her.

    I would like to help her enjoy her sexuality, but at the same time I would like to hold off on having intercourse for a while longer. Maybe not entirely until marriage, but at least until we have been together for more than 3 months. I don't really see a downside in her case to me not pursuing intercouse, but it might be kind of hard to seek sex therapy if I draw the line at oral. Hrm. Not really sure how I would even begin to approach the subject of getting professional help. Yellow pages?

    Thanks for the replies, I appreciate it immensely.
     
  9. Bluesy

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    I don't think anyone is going to call you a hypocrite. We all have to work these things out for ourselves. Having come from a conservative Christian background, I understand your POV completely.

    That makes sense to me.

    That's actually more of an apt description of what she's dealing with than you probably realize. Or you could think of it as a mental tug-of-war. On the one hand, her hormones are pushing her to engage in sexual activities, and you're there to light her fire, so to speak, so she's physically and emotionally ready to go...but then the SA issues rear their ugly head and pull her back in their direction, away from you and sex. That would be more than a little mentally torturous, not to mention physically with all those hormones yelling, "Go, go, go!" when she quite literally can't.

    I'm thinking that an organization like RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) would be a wonderful starting point. I don't think Ryan will mind if post a link: http://www.rainn.org/

    The best approach is one that comes from a loving, compassionate place. "I care about you and I'm concerned that ______ is affecting the quality of your life. I want you to be happy and able to experience life to the fullest, and that's why I want to talk to you about the possibility of speaking with someone who can help." Just an example. It has to come from that part of you that wants to be supportive and see her get better--that's where all the right words will come from.

    But ultimately she has to be ready and willing to seek help. It can take people a long time to mentally prepare themselves to actually get help, and that requires a lot of acceptance and patience on the part of the person who wants their loved one to seek help. That's hard work. Not everyone is willing to hang in there and that's OK. You have to decide what your limits are and you have the right to respect that part of you that says, Hey, I didn't sign up for this; this is more than I'd bargained for.

    Best of luck to you; to both of you! Let us know how things go, OK?
     
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